The Triumph of a Heart
So, last weekend I tripped on mushrooms. I had an amazing experience, sobbing and reaching a state of understanding with the Tao, my ancestors, my family, my past, my religions (all of them) realizing I needed to communicate with and love the people around me, etc. etc. etc. It was the most powerful experience of my whole life, and I'm still reeling in the wake of it.
However, it was also terrible; I got home and felt massively depressed; I lay in bed and realized that, although all that stuff that happened before was true--that people are good, that life is meaningful--that the opposite is also sort of true. That people are terrible and life is meaningless. There's two halves to the coin.
The whole experience overall was so perfect I can't even think of regretting it--but at the same time, I feel like I cut into the sap of the tree of life and like put my hand into the wound and felt the pulse of the universe or something. It was huge. And like a near-death experience or something, I felt totally changed--baptized, born again, the whole nine yards.The whole week was different; I appreciate everything more. My compassion for people is completely reaffirmed--I've been so much more patient and understanding.
However, I can't shake the strange fear that it's possible, that it's completely possible, or maybe even PROBABLE
that I might die young.
That might be what will happen, that might be something that is meant to be. I almost feel like, after such a powerful revelation, such a powerful communion with the divine, that I've made my peace. It's really terrifying but for the first time in my life I had a thought: when I got out of the shower that night after crying because the water was so beautiful and my body was so perfect and familiar, when I was drying myself off and feeling like I was loved and protected by both the living and the dead, both heaven and earth, I looked in the mirror and realized that if I died that very night, I would be okay. That I had seen everything and experienced everything in life that is beautiful. Of course I could go to Peru or hike through Europe, I haven't had real sex (that I Wanted to have) ever before--but I've had the basics. I've had really beautiful experiences. And if I were to be done--if my time was up--I'd be okay with that.
But at the same time I'm so NOT okay with that. I'm afraid of dying, mostly because I feel like I've lived such a good life--that I'm so content--that I'm a prime candidate for facing the final unknown. But I don't want to be a martyr or a tragedy, I want to die old and simple and expectedly. But I'm really afraid right now that that might not happen. So obviously I'm not all that content and not all that ready to die...but the thought is still there.
this is about the most paranoid I've ever gotten about something so irrational.
P.S. THe new radiohead album probably isn't helping this whole situation. It's so fucking perfect but it hurts to listen to it. Music has rarely, if ever, torn me up inside like this before.
However, it was also terrible; I got home and felt massively depressed; I lay in bed and realized that, although all that stuff that happened before was true--that people are good, that life is meaningful--that the opposite is also sort of true. That people are terrible and life is meaningless. There's two halves to the coin.
The whole experience overall was so perfect I can't even think of regretting it--but at the same time, I feel like I cut into the sap of the tree of life and like put my hand into the wound and felt the pulse of the universe or something. It was huge. And like a near-death experience or something, I felt totally changed--baptized, born again, the whole nine yards.The whole week was different; I appreciate everything more. My compassion for people is completely reaffirmed--I've been so much more patient and understanding.
However, I can't shake the strange fear that it's possible, that it's completely possible, or maybe even PROBABLE
that I might die young.
That might be what will happen, that might be something that is meant to be. I almost feel like, after such a powerful revelation, such a powerful communion with the divine, that I've made my peace. It's really terrifying but for the first time in my life I had a thought: when I got out of the shower that night after crying because the water was so beautiful and my body was so perfect and familiar, when I was drying myself off and feeling like I was loved and protected by both the living and the dead, both heaven and earth, I looked in the mirror and realized that if I died that very night, I would be okay. That I had seen everything and experienced everything in life that is beautiful. Of course I could go to Peru or hike through Europe, I haven't had real sex (that I Wanted to have) ever before--but I've had the basics. I've had really beautiful experiences. And if I were to be done--if my time was up--I'd be okay with that.
But at the same time I'm so NOT okay with that. I'm afraid of dying, mostly because I feel like I've lived such a good life--that I'm so content--that I'm a prime candidate for facing the final unknown. But I don't want to be a martyr or a tragedy, I want to die old and simple and expectedly. But I'm really afraid right now that that might not happen. So obviously I'm not all that content and not all that ready to die...but the thought is still there.
this is about the most paranoid I've ever gotten about something so irrational.
P.S. THe new radiohead album probably isn't helping this whole situation. It's so fucking perfect but it hurts to listen to it. Music has rarely, if ever, torn me up inside like this before.