the usual
I feel off today.
I keep feeling resentful and frustrated that I don't have a routine to my days and weeks...but then I realize the frustration comes from being stuck in the routine I have developed. I have developed. I've set these habits, become lazy or inefficient in certain areas, and I wish so badly that it would change that I only succeed in convincing myself that it's not my real routine. It's not how I would choose to live if only... Ah, the if-only qualifier.
Last weekend I was in Seattle, so I did not make time during the previous week (during which I worked longer days that I am used to) to do online chores or other tasks which somehow require me to get online to find something out. This past week was filled with last-minute work items and miracles, and more than ever I am convinced that I simply cannot use internet for personal things during work. Sure, I could check an email here and there, but I can't look up low-income housing or balance my budget or shop for a replacement for my broken phone. And because my boss (God bless him!) just doesn't get the concept that at 3:30pm, I need to be done working because I am only paid for 6 hours each day...it's futile to try to explain this to him when he rushes in urgently with 12 things he needs done before the day closes.
So I often don't leave until 4pm, then the next bus might come 15 minutes later, which means I won't get home until after 5pm. Sometimes I have to stop by the library or grocery store, which takes longer. By then I am tired and hungry and since the weather is cold and rainy every day, I don't really want to go outside again until I absolutely must do. The Crutch closes at 6:30pm on weekdays, so I don't get home, get fed, get changed (usually my pants and shoes are soaked), get my computer and get out until after closing time. And I'm not ever in the mood to haul my heavy computer in the rain somewhere 20 or 30 minutes away.
So I knit a lot. I read a lot. I listen to Bible messages from Shoreline and First Baptist and Mars Hill. I cook for myself and bake my own bread. Paul and I talk on the phone for about an hour every night. Usually.
This past week was just intense, and it started first thing Monday morning after getting back into town from Seattle Sunday night. Tuesday night Michal and I hung out, then at about the time I'd normally get changed for bed, she convinced me to go out. I haven't been "out" in quite awhile. We shared some deep-fried food and sweet, dark beers. She got the chocolate stout and I got the cherry stout. Yum. Then we craved donuts. I crawled into bed at 11:30pm and woke up before 7am. Maybe for you this is enough sleep, but when I don't get 9 solid hours of rest each night, my body rebels and gets sick.
Wednesday night I hung out with Mo for half an hour, then Rob came home and we chatted and ate dinner until it was time for me to go to Home Group. Thursday night I had already told John Ross that I'd go see him play. After all, it's only once a month, right? But I was already tired when Michal called me at 8:30pm to see if I was ready to go. If it wasn't for John and Charlie, who are amazing musicians, and Michal, a sweet, fun, new girlfriend (incidentally, also a musician), I would not have gone. I was exhausted! But it was worth it. Getting to know a new friend is priceless, and listening to your friends play music in front of a crowd is special. Besides, I hadn't gone to support John for the last few months. And I had given my word. I feel sad that fatigue makes me want to break my word, but there it is.
During the last couple of weeks, I've been chipping away at autumn benefit dinner preparations. I've been talking to venues and getting proposals and reading every sheet of paper in our files about the past 2 banquets. So this will be the 3rd annual dinner ever for New Wine. Exciting! And I get to help put it together! What an honor! I had asked Aaron, who runs the annual fundraising banquet for the whole college, on Thursday afternoon if we could meet next week and chat about the system he uses and what we could tweak for New Wine's dinner. His response was, "Well, how about this: what are you doing tomorrow night?" Uhmmm. "Uhhh..." ..that's weird and you're...married?! "Our banquet is tomorrow night, so if you want to come, I could show you what we do and explain why we do it and when stuff doesn't work, I can tell you how it's supposed to go." Good deal!
The banquet was beautiful last night!! I admit, the video featuring the students was a little cheesy, especially the barbie-and-ken-like couple. Jonas from my church was on it. I didn't know he did martial arts! Anyway, I learned a lot more about the school and the student body, had a lovely dinner and enjoyed hearing the testimonies from the speakers. Aaron came to my table regularly and pointed out things that went wrong and how it should be, gave me tons of tips, and offered to meet this next week to recap. I'm so excited about event planning, it could be easy to forget that it's only 1/2 of my job.
Today I woke up rested, refreshed, eager to start the day. Crutch opens at 9am, so I listened to a couple messages on Galations and started knitting my sweater (which I wish was done already!!! I'm COLD! 3 sweaters is NOT enough to build a wardrobe on!). I walked down to Crutch at 10am and gasped--the lights were off and the door was locked. Where is Ryan today? I gave it 10 minutes, stopped by the library to see if my inter-library loan book had come in yet, then caught the streetcar to Vivace. For the first time since moving here, a TriMet rep checked for tickets. Also, some passengers brought on their big, black great dane. Onnnnnn the streetcar. He kept sniffing my pants. I was like, I know, I haven't done laundry in awhile! Sheesh! but then I remembered that Elise has a dog and cat, and I was just at her house Wednesday night.
So this week has been weird. I've been feeling some doubts and questioning a lot of things in my life. Some things are impervious to doubt because they are simple truths, and I just have to be reminded of what's true. Other things, like my routine and other choices, are relative, and I have to constantly judge whether my time and attention is being used wisely.
I went out twice this week. I drank both times.
Paul and I only talked one evening since last weekend.
Work has been very busy and mentally exhausting.
I miss Amy, myspacing and wearing jeans every day.
God is teaching me profound things about His Truth.
My to-do list is infinity long.
Aaaand I'm pretty certain I put back on some of that weight I recently lost. Grr.
I keep feeling resentful and frustrated that I don't have a routine to my days and weeks...but then I realize the frustration comes from being stuck in the routine I have developed. I have developed. I've set these habits, become lazy or inefficient in certain areas, and I wish so badly that it would change that I only succeed in convincing myself that it's not my real routine. It's not how I would choose to live if only... Ah, the if-only qualifier.
Last weekend I was in Seattle, so I did not make time during the previous week (during which I worked longer days that I am used to) to do online chores or other tasks which somehow require me to get online to find something out. This past week was filled with last-minute work items and miracles, and more than ever I am convinced that I simply cannot use internet for personal things during work. Sure, I could check an email here and there, but I can't look up low-income housing or balance my budget or shop for a replacement for my broken phone. And because my boss (God bless him!) just doesn't get the concept that at 3:30pm, I need to be done working because I am only paid for 6 hours each day...it's futile to try to explain this to him when he rushes in urgently with 12 things he needs done before the day closes.
So I often don't leave until 4pm, then the next bus might come 15 minutes later, which means I won't get home until after 5pm. Sometimes I have to stop by the library or grocery store, which takes longer. By then I am tired and hungry and since the weather is cold and rainy every day, I don't really want to go outside again until I absolutely must do. The Crutch closes at 6:30pm on weekdays, so I don't get home, get fed, get changed (usually my pants and shoes are soaked), get my computer and get out until after closing time. And I'm not ever in the mood to haul my heavy computer in the rain somewhere 20 or 30 minutes away.
So I knit a lot. I read a lot. I listen to Bible messages from Shoreline and First Baptist and Mars Hill. I cook for myself and bake my own bread. Paul and I talk on the phone for about an hour every night. Usually.
This past week was just intense, and it started first thing Monday morning after getting back into town from Seattle Sunday night. Tuesday night Michal and I hung out, then at about the time I'd normally get changed for bed, she convinced me to go out. I haven't been "out" in quite awhile. We shared some deep-fried food and sweet, dark beers. She got the chocolate stout and I got the cherry stout. Yum. Then we craved donuts. I crawled into bed at 11:30pm and woke up before 7am. Maybe for you this is enough sleep, but when I don't get 9 solid hours of rest each night, my body rebels and gets sick.
Wednesday night I hung out with Mo for half an hour, then Rob came home and we chatted and ate dinner until it was time for me to go to Home Group. Thursday night I had already told John Ross that I'd go see him play. After all, it's only once a month, right? But I was already tired when Michal called me at 8:30pm to see if I was ready to go. If it wasn't for John and Charlie, who are amazing musicians, and Michal, a sweet, fun, new girlfriend (incidentally, also a musician), I would not have gone. I was exhausted! But it was worth it. Getting to know a new friend is priceless, and listening to your friends play music in front of a crowd is special. Besides, I hadn't gone to support John for the last few months. And I had given my word. I feel sad that fatigue makes me want to break my word, but there it is.
During the last couple of weeks, I've been chipping away at autumn benefit dinner preparations. I've been talking to venues and getting proposals and reading every sheet of paper in our files about the past 2 banquets. So this will be the 3rd annual dinner ever for New Wine. Exciting! And I get to help put it together! What an honor! I had asked Aaron, who runs the annual fundraising banquet for the whole college, on Thursday afternoon if we could meet next week and chat about the system he uses and what we could tweak for New Wine's dinner. His response was, "Well, how about this: what are you doing tomorrow night?" Uhmmm. "Uhhh..." ..that's weird and you're...married?! "Our banquet is tomorrow night, so if you want to come, I could show you what we do and explain why we do it and when stuff doesn't work, I can tell you how it's supposed to go." Good deal!
The banquet was beautiful last night!! I admit, the video featuring the students was a little cheesy, especially the barbie-and-ken-like couple. Jonas from my church was on it. I didn't know he did martial arts! Anyway, I learned a lot more about the school and the student body, had a lovely dinner and enjoyed hearing the testimonies from the speakers. Aaron came to my table regularly and pointed out things that went wrong and how it should be, gave me tons of tips, and offered to meet this next week to recap. I'm so excited about event planning, it could be easy to forget that it's only 1/2 of my job.
Today I woke up rested, refreshed, eager to start the day. Crutch opens at 9am, so I listened to a couple messages on Galations and started knitting my sweater (which I wish was done already!!! I'm COLD! 3 sweaters is NOT enough to build a wardrobe on!). I walked down to Crutch at 10am and gasped--the lights were off and the door was locked. Where is Ryan today? I gave it 10 minutes, stopped by the library to see if my inter-library loan book had come in yet, then caught the streetcar to Vivace. For the first time since moving here, a TriMet rep checked for tickets. Also, some passengers brought on their big, black great dane. Onnnnnn the streetcar. He kept sniffing my pants. I was like, I know, I haven't done laundry in awhile! Sheesh! but then I remembered that Elise has a dog and cat, and I was just at her house Wednesday night.
So this week has been weird. I've been feeling some doubts and questioning a lot of things in my life. Some things are impervious to doubt because they are simple truths, and I just have to be reminded of what's true. Other things, like my routine and other choices, are relative, and I have to constantly judge whether my time and attention is being used wisely.
I went out twice this week. I drank both times.
Paul and I only talked one evening since last weekend.
Work has been very busy and mentally exhausting.
I miss Amy, myspacing and wearing jeans every day.
God is teaching me profound things about His Truth.
My to-do list is infinity long.
Aaaand I'm pretty certain I put back on some of that weight I recently lost. Grr.