Sensible Heart_Part 2
Title: Sensible Heart
Chapter: 2/4
Pairing: Tora x Shou, implied Tora x Saga
Rating: R to NC-17, for this one, NC-17
Genre: AU sorta, angst
Warnings: male x male, gore, sorta AU, foul language, sex, angst, character death.
Summary: What happens after all that you've ever known is gone? You try to move on, with every fibre of your being.
Comments: Angsty Aleksiina is still angsty…I did my best to write some of Vital Signs, but still nothing satisfying. Looks like I'm in an angsty phase, I'm gonna have to wait until it dies down I guess. I added a chapter to this since this chapter ended up boiling over into the next, it just made more sense to me to write more overall. I'm still listening to City and Colour as I write this, and OMG did I cry writing some parts…you will see which ones I don't want to give it away. I recommend listening to "Coming Home" and especially "Day Old Hate", that song…that song had me sobbing uncontrollably as I wrote this. My sweetest thanks to everyone who commented, you guys are angels, I wouldn't be writing if it wasn't for you guys…
***
"How did you find me?"
Shou was sitting at the small kitchen table, still looking a mess, voraciously eating everything that Tora had put in front of him like a man who hadn't eaten anything in a while. Judging from the scrawny figure he cut, it probably was the case. Rice, grilled fish, black beans, some home-made rice bran pickles. Nothing fancy, but he ate it all nonetheless, gulping his tea between bites, not caring if it burned his tongue. Tora sat across from him, still too shocked to even touch his food, not quite sure if it would stay down. He looked at Shou, bewildered, incapable of processing the thought that his old friend, bandmate was there. Living. Breathing.
He repeated the question. Shou looked up from his plate, a little smile quirking that beautiful mouth.
"I followed a rumour."
"Huh?"
Shou took another sip of tea as he nodded.
"I was in Sapporo, filling up my bike at a service station. There was a bunch of russians there, filling up their truck. They had come down to trade. One of them spoke japanese, an old sailor, with bright blue eyes. He told me that there was another boy with a pretty face like mine up north. I thought he was making a joke, talking about some girl. I asked him to describe that pretty boy for me. He said: Tall, taller than you even, hair like a raven's wing, eyes like amber gems in the sunlight, skin like fallen snow, with the noble features of a prince. Beautiful like a fallen angel."
Tora couldn't help but chuckle. He knew that Ivan had a way with words, but he hadn't expected such poetry coming out of that old sailor's mouth. He was the only person he knew who called him the fallen angel, he'd have to thank him for his poetic descriptions when the old rascal came back up north.
"That was Ivan, a friend of mine. He's been teaching me russian. He could've been talking about a girl for all you knew. It wasn't much to go on."
Shou shrugged.
"It was enough. In my mind, it couldn't have been anyone but you. What did I have to lose? He gave me directions. I found Wakkanai, talked to a young man there this morning. He told me about your place here. And here I am."
Shou looked thoughtful for an instant. And Tora started expecting the question, preparing himself mentally for it, knowing that he probably wouldn't be able to finish the discussion with dry eyes. Or a sane mind.
"You know, last I talked to you, you were with Saga. Where is he? What happened?"
Tora took a deep breath, closing his eyes, willing his heart to slow down. He remembered it all so clearly now. The blood. So much blood.
"Saga." he hadn't said his name out loud, not for three years, "He's dead. I had to kill him."
***
They had found a small town, completely deserted.
They had been on the run for a bit more than a year, going from town to town, only encountering ruin and despair, and far too many of the undead for their taste. They travelled light, with only a few clothes, but plenty of ammo, trusted guns at their sides. Saga was much better at using it than Tora, oddly enough, but the tall one didn't mind it. It felt good not to be in charge of everything sometimes, letting the slender, tawny haired bassist handle their safety.
They started moving north, knowing that the scarcity of people there made for far lower rates of infected. They'd heard of the settlements far into Hokkaido, and made plans to get there. Until they reached the abandoned town. It clearly had been deserted for a long time, and in a fit of inspired, if stupid, spontaneity, they'd made it their kingdom. They'd chosen a house, in a secluded part of town, setting up camp in it, stockpiling all they needed to live comfortably in their situation.
They should've kept going north. But instead they stayed in their house, through the winter, spending their days lounging around all day, reading all the books they could find, making up for a lifetime of being too busy to educate themselves. They drank tea, had snowball fights in the yard, talked for hours.
They made love, again and again, in that large bed they had pulled through the house, cursing and struggling, to bring it into the living room where the fireplace was, even though the heat they created between their bodies every night could have melted icebergs. They delighted in each other's skin, the both of them lean and pale, entangled in moonlight, moans and breaths entwined. They shared orgasm after orgasm, falling back sweaty and sated in the sheets, smiling bright, eyes sparkling. Life was as good as it could get. They were warm, safe, and so in love.
They had confessed to each other after their famed tour finale at the Budokkan, giving in when they were left alone backstage by well meaning staff and bandmates. There hadn't been many words exchanged. But there had been many kisses, and hungry caresses, bated breaths and stifled moans, when Tora took Saga right there against the wall, the both of them still in stage clothes. They had been a couple after that, kept secret from everyone but their closest friends. Bandmates. Brothers.
They worried about their friends, every day, wishing that they could get a hold of them, see if they were safe. But the phone lines had been dead for a long time, there was no way to contact anyone except to find them. And they weren't going back south, not when they were so comfortable up here.
Too comfortable. Enough to make them careless.
They made love the night that Saga died. For the last time.
They lay there in bed, bodies entwined, Saga's seed cooling on their joined lower bellies, his mouth tracing the angle of Tora's jaw lovingly as the guitarist's hands roamed his back. He paused when his stomach emitted a loud rumble.
"I'm hungry, I have such a craving for instant noodles…" Saga had grumbled, patting his flat stomach.
"The kind that come in a plastic cup and you add water to?"
"Precisely."
Tora eyed him with a quirked eyebrow.
"Are you pregnant?"
They both snorted.
"Well if I was a girl, I definitely would be with you coming inside me twice a day like that…"
"Are you complaining?"
Saga chuckled.
"Never. Actually, after I get my noodles, I'll probably be hungry for you again…" he purred, mouth tracing the hollow of Tora's throat, making the taller man hiss.
"Hmm…You know I'm always hungry for you babe." Tora replied, grabbing a hold of Saga's face, tilting it up towards his to claim his mouth in a searing kiss, that left them both breathless and eager.
But Saga shrugged him off, chuckling, untangling himself from the tight embrace of both Tora's arms and the sheets.
"You'll get fed later, tiger…" he teased, shrugging on his jeans and socks, stepping into his boots.
Tora's eyebrow quirked.
"Are you going out to get it?"
Saga nodded as he shrugged on a sweater, and then his jacket.
"I ate the last of it last week, but I'm sure there's a case lying around at the store around the corner."
Tora started getting up too but Saga pushed on his shoulder to lie him flat, hopping on the bed to straddle him with a grin.
"I should go with you." Tora stated, running his hands up Saga's slim legs, to the firm curve of his rear, squeezing the tight flesh there.
Saga's back arched, hands clenching on Tora's broad shoulders, making the raven-haired bite his lower lip.
"Keep the bed warm, I won't take long…" Saga murmured, leaning down to kiss his lover, mouth soft and loving, tongues meeting in an intimate dance.
They both parted from the kiss flushed and breathless, filled with desire. Saga placed another kiss on Tora's mouth, gentle, before hopping off, making his way over to the door.
"Be careful my love," Tora admonished, sitting up in the sheets as his lover shouldered his shotgun, prompting Saga to walk over to the bed once more, leaning down to kiss Tora again, lovingly.
"Don't you worry, I'll be back before you know it. I love you." Saga murmured, pressing his mouth to Tora's for the last time.
"I love you too babe…"
He was out of the door with a last wink, making his tall lover smile.
They had grown careless.
Tora heard the shotgun go off, twice.
He was up in a flash, shrugging on jeans and boots and sweater, without even thinking of putting on a coat he was out the door, clutching his rifle. He ran, as fast as his long legs would take him, heart nearly coming out his chest as the adrenalin rushed through him, with only one thought overwhelming everything else.
Saga.
He turned the corner, where the small abandoned grocery store was, and saw his lover, slumped against the wall. Holding his shotgun in one hand, cupping his neck with the other, blood flowing through the cracks of his fingers, soaking his sweater. The still smoking corpse of the undead lay a few meters away, head exploded, steam erupting from the gaping holes Saga's shotgun had pierced through the rotting body. But he had gotten to Saga first.
Tora rushed to him, only to be stopped abruptly a pace away by Saga himself as he put up the shotgun, aiming at Tora with a shaking grip.
"Stay the fuck away." Saga hissed, panting at the effort, ink black eyes huge and glittering in his milk white face, lips and cheeks drained of all colour, making the crimson blood running down his neck and chest look so vivid.
Tora stared at him, wide eyed, obeying nonetheless.
"What the fuck Saga, you're draining of your fucking lifeblood! I need to take you back home."
Saga's eyes filled with tears, but his grip on the shotgun never wavered.
"Its too late babe. Look."
He moved his hand, showing Tora that a chunk of his flesh was missing, his jugular vein torn. He would die. He was bleeding to death already. Tora felt ill, swallowing the bile that had rushed up to his throat with a strangled cough. Tears poured down his face, and he made a move to get close again but Saga raised the gun, hissing with pain. The tall raven haired fell to his knees in the snow, burying his face in his hands as deep sobs shook his entire frame, making Saga's eyes overflow as his own mouth quivered. Tora took a deep breath, trying to speak through the tears.
"Please…please let me hold you…" he begged, voice so small and broken that Saga almost, just almost gave in.
"The fucker bit me. I don't want you to get infected…" he rasped, making his lover cry out in frustration, his amber eyes so full of pain and rage.
"I don't fucking care Saga! I can't go on if you're not with me…I can't…"
Saga's eyes hardened.
"I don't want you to give up. You keep going on north, and live goddamnit!" he hissed, "we didn't get this far for you to give up like this…Promise me. Promise your fucking dying lover that you're gonna keep going…"
Tora mumbled something, and Saga rasped in frustration, a wracking cough shaking his entire body, blood spilling from his mouth.
"Fucking look at me and promise!" Saga sobbed, tears flowing down his face, feeling that he only had minutes left to do what had to be done, his thoughts getting slow and hazy already.
Tora looked up, looking so lost and distraught. He swallowed and coughed, trying to get the bile to stay down.
"Okay." he croaked, "I promise you I'll keep going."
"Promise you'll survive."
"I promise…Saga, babe, I love you so fucking much…I just want to die with you…"
Saga smiled, weakly, teeth tinted red with blood.
"I've always been selfish, you know that…"
They chuckled through their tears. It was tainted with desperation, but it was a laugh nonetheless.
"There's another, selfish demand I have to make. The last one."
Dread invaded the pit of Tora's stomach. He knew what Saga would ask, and wondered if he had it in him to do it.
"You have to kill me." Saga murmured.
Tora sniffled, fresh tears pouring from his eyes, nodding his head.
"I…I don't want to come back…as one of them. And I will if you don't kill me first…so please, my love…"
Tora's eyes were so full of despair as he grabbed on to his rifle, trying so hard to be strong, and failing as sobs shook him, leaving him trembling and panting.
"I can't…" he rasped, trying to get his panicked breathing under control, eyes closed.
"Babe…look at me…we don't have much time…" Saga murmured.
He looked at his lover, who had let go of the shotgun, his face peaceful, looking at him with eyes so full of love he just wanted to damn everything to hell and go to him. Hold him in his arms, kiss that mouth one last time before it exhaled its final breath. But he remembered the promise he had made. It pained him so much to hold on to that promise.
"Babe…I love you…please…I…I'm almost gone…" he murmured, soothingly almost, mouth twisting in a pained smile when Tora shouldered the rifle, tears pouring down his face.
"This is the hardest thing I've ever done…" Tora breathed, aiming for Saga's weakly beating heart, "I love you…" he murmured, fingers settling on the trigger.
"I love you too babe…I love you so much…I'm gonna count down to three okay?"
"Okay…"
"One…two…three…"
"Oh god I love you…" Tora whispered as he pulled the trigger.
Bang.
***
Shou's eyes were overflowing.
But not nearly as much as Tora's.
"I…I never even had the chance to kiss him goodbye…" he whispered, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, trying to regain some sort of composure.
"Tora…Tora I…" Shou was fumbling, trying to find something comforting to say, failing.
Tora nodded, reaching over the table to pat Shou's forearm reassuringly with a little smile.
"Its okay. No one ever knows what to say, its fine…there's nothing to say. Its been three and a half years, I'm doing alright."
They both knew it wasn't entirely true, but neither wanted to broach the subject any further, knowing that it was dangerous grounds not quite ready to be explored. They were quiet for what seemed like hours, drinking their tea before Tora cleared his throat, looking up to Shou again.
"How about you? How the hell did you survive staying down south? And what happened to Pon, and Nao? Do you know?"
A wry smile twisted Shou's mouth.
"And we were just done crying…" he teased, half-heartedly, "Nao, Pon and I escaped Tokyo together. We went further south. Nao confessed to Pon one night. You know how much he's yearned for him in secret all those years…"
Tora smiled fondly. It was sad that it had required the end of the world to occur for Nao to finally reveal his feelings, but he was still glad it had happened.
"Did Pon reciprocate?"
Shou chuckled. That low, throaty laugh that warmed Tora's insides with its familiarity.
"According to you? So it was me driving, and effectively third wheeling while the two of them made out and snuggled in the back of the car, all the way to Kagoshima."
"You drove all the way to Kagoshima? How was it?"
Shou shrugged, having another sip of tea.
"Probably the same as going north. Desolation, ghost towns, fucking undead everywhere. We learned how to use guns pretty quickly. "
He parted the flap of his worn leather jacket, showing the handle of a handgun protruding from the holster strapped across his shoulders, Tora nodding in agreement. Your level of skill with a gun could be the thin line between life and death back then.
"We reached Kagoshima, there was a settlement there. We found a little house, moved all we owned in it. Three months into it, there was an attack. A bunch of undead breached the walls we had built around town. We managed to fend them off as a group effort, with only a few casualties. But Hiroto got infected. Just a small scratch. He noticed right away and quarantined himself in the spare room, not wanting to infect us."
Tora's mouth pressed in a tight line, fresh tears slipping down his cheeks. Tiny, energetic, positive Hiroto, so full of good natured laughter, and unbelievable talent. He could feel his heart breaking all over again.
"What happened?" he made himself ask, knowing that the answer would hurt them both, fingers reaching for Shou's forearm to squeeze it gently, reassuringly.
"We spoke through the door. He got worse and worse, I could hear him coughing and wheezing at night. But there was nothing we could do. Nao…Nao was so distraught. He stopped eating, and sleeping, spending his days in front of the door, reassuring Hiroto on the other side. It hurt so much Tora. To see them both hurting so much and not be able to do anything at all…"
Shou's arm slipped of his grip gently, only to be replaced by his warm hand, letting their fingers entwine.
"One night, Nao told me of his plan to give Hiroto a peaceful death with a heavy dose of sleeping pills. All three of us agreed it was the most humane way to go about it, to end his suffering, and to prevent him turning into one of the undead. We found a pharmacy that hadn't been raided yet in the neighbouring town, stashed a fuck load of medications and went back home. I…" Shou's voice broke, his fingers tightening, eyes full of water, "I went out one night, to trade a bit of medicine for some rice, since we were running low. When I came back home, and found a note in Nao's writing on the table…" he sucked in a breath, "I knew what to expect. He was apologizing, for giving in, for being too weak to go on without Hiroto. He thanked me. For giving him the best years of his life with our band. Told me not to give up, to be strong, that he loved me…" he sniffed loudly, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, "I found them in the bedroom. They were so beautiful, it broke my heart. They'd made love before dying, I could tell…They were naked, and entwined, so tightly, lying face to face in that huge bed. They looked like they were sleeping. I…I envied them…I wanted to join them. But something, I don't know what it is, but I'm guessing it's hope, made me stop before I could swallow the handful of pills…"
"Oh Shou…"Tora whispered, getting up from his chair to come around the table, pulling Shou up from his own to enfold him in a crushing embrace, letting the former vocalist bury his face in his neck as he sobbed.
Tora's broad hands caressed the length of his back, Shou clinging to him desperately.
"It hurt…so fucking much…" Shou sobbed in his chest, hands fisting in Tora's cotton shirt.
"I know…I know…" Tora murmured soothingly, caressing the slender man softly, until his breath slowed down, and quieted, but he didn't let go.
"Where did you go?"
"I exchanged a stash of morphine for a ferry ride to Okinawa. I made my way to Kumejima. It was a smart choice, the population there had already been through the virus, no more infected to be found. I moved into a little house, I made some friends. It was a nice community, and we all helped each other rebuild the little town. I started working in the rice plantations, and then harvested sugar cane. When they saw that I had some skill with writing, they had me teach the youngest children to read and write, since most of the teachers had left the island or died in the first wave. I stayed there a little more than three years."
Tora's hands painted slow strokes in his back, making him relax against the taller man.
"Did any of your students have crushes on you?" Tora teased, feeling deep contentment when Shou chuckled in response.
"All the little girls of course…"
"Thats my boy. What made you leave?"
"When I heard that most of the virus had been eradicated, I had this urge to come back to Tokyo. See if anyone I knew was still around. I packed up my things and left on foot, ferried back to the mainland. What I found when I got back…" Shou shuddered, "Utter desolation. It made me want to turn around and get back to Okinawa as soon as humanly possible. But I kept going. I had this urge to keep going. Most small towns were entirely wiped out, larger cities turned into dog-eat-dog wastelands. It took me about six months to get to Kyoto. I found the dirt bike there, in the garage of some deserted house I stayed into for a few days waiting for rain to stop. It took me another two weeks to get to Tokyo. Tokyo was the worst. An absolute wasteland, where people with a semblance of power used it to take advantage of others. I had to avoid some parts of town for fear of my own safety."
Tora sighed. It was sad to hear, but it didn't surprise him, not one bit.
"Desperation makes most human beings revert back to being just animals, obeying their instincts."
"Well, that's definitely what happened in Tokyo. I didn't linger very long, I didn't like the idea of staying there on my own. It took me another six months to get to Aomori prefecture, and then a month and a half to get to Ôma. It was late spring when I got there, and I had gotten pretty sick crossing the mountains. A little family of fishermen took me in, took care of me, nursed me back to health. Their eldest daughter had a thing for me I think…"
Tora chuckled, moving back a pace, crossing his arms on his chest.
"You think? Look at you, you still have that cute boyish face that made fangirls cry."
Shou blushed, a hint of pink tinting that sickly pale skin.
"So yeah, they ferried me to Hokkaido two months later. I got to to Sapporo, stayed there three weeks, thinking that my trip across the country had been in vain. But then I got to that deserted service station, and talked to your friend."
"And here you are…"
Shou's eyes filled with tears again, for what felt like the hundredth time that day, but he didn't care one bit as he plastered himself to Tora once more, burying his face in the taller man's neck, delighting in that clean scent that only belonged to him.
"I'm happy I found you…I'm deliriously happy that I followed that hunch and found you. Good god." Shou whispered, his tone so thankful that it brought tears to Tora's eyes again.
They held on to each other tightly, for what seemed like hours until the crackling static of the radio interrupted them. Shou made a puzzled face as they parted, Tora smiling at him as he walked over to a semi-transparent silk partition, crossing it. Shou could see the tall man's silhouette leaning over the windowsill and picking something up.
"Good afternoon Tora-san!"
A cheery girl's voice came through the static, and Shou walked over to the opening in the curtain, peering in.
"How are you today, Shizuka-chan?"
"I haven't been sick at all today! Full of energy!"
Tora smiled fondly, that soft expression on his solemn face making Shou's heart beat harder in his chest.
"That's really good to hear. I don't think you should be sick very often anymore, but still, take it easy, don't eat too fast ne?"
"I will be careful…I meant to ask you, Tora-san, that stranger that came this morning, has he found you?"
Tora turned to Shou, winking at him with a little grin.
"He has. He's a very old friend of mine."
"Thats amazing news! You will bring him for dinner tonight, ne? I insist."
"Okay, I will. Tell your daddy I got six trouts, make sure to rub it in ne?"
There was a happy giggle on the other end of the waves.
"Still having that silly contest I see…I will tell him. See you later. Over."
"Later. Over."
He turned to Shou with a little smile.
"Well, looks like were expected in town for dinner. Here."
He grabbed onto Shou's arm and walked him over to the table again.
"Finish eating," he ordered, brewing him a fresh cup of tea, "I'm gonna get some water ready for your bath."
Shou's eager smile was priceless.
"A bath! Awesome! Do you have any idea when I last took a bath?" he asked, sitting down to finish his rice.
"From the look of you, far too long ago…" Tora teased, rolling his eyes when Shou pulled out his tongue at him.
Shou studied the tall man as he went about preparing his bath, easily lifting two heavy kettles filled with water to hang them onto hooks over the fire, feeding more wood to the crackling flames. He couldn't help but notice how beautiful the former guitarist looked, the years holding no sway whatsoever on his beauty. He had that same pale skin, the same fine, exotic features that had made him so attractive the very first time he had laid eyes on him. He even loved the long hair, cascading in silky smooth strands across his brow, down to his chest. It suited him beautifully. He stood tall, graceful, with an ease of motion that he hadn't had before. He had matured, in a good may, the years only making him more attractive. It made Shou painfully aware of his own matted hair and filthy clothes. Hopefully a good bath would make him a little more comfortable in his skin. Tora grabbed onto the handle of the heavy axe that lay by the fireplace and made his way to the entrance.
"I'm gonna go out for five minutes to split more wood for tonight, I'll be right back."
Shou caught sight of him through the window, pinning the long strands back before balancing a log on the chopping block, making it look easy as he split the wood with a graceful stroke. He put down the axe, undoing his checkered shirt before shrugging out of it, revealing his buff, lean muscled chest and stomach, broad shoulders, strong arms. The sight made Shou blush uncontrollably, even more so when Tora picked up another log, muscles flexing and gliding underneath that smooth, fine skin. He had gotten so buff. Back in their band days, he would've been scrawny in comparison.
He was so lost in his study that his fresh tea went cold, untouched.
***
Good god, the Saga part made me die inside. Its so beautiful and tragic in my mind, I don't think the words did it enough justice, but holy shit it was sad. I hope it made you guys feel that anguish as sharply as I did. Let me know if I keep going…Love you all xoxo