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I am annoyed right now.
Mostly because my stupid Open Office (who the FUCK invents shitty word rip offs like that? I WANT MY MICROSOFT WORD BACK) refuses to indent paragraphs. I try hitting tab, it indents everything. GRAH. I thought I had my muse back and it is totally ruined by this dumb ass program not working.
Yes, I am cursing a lot. I'm ( Read more... )
Mostly because my stupid Open Office (who the FUCK invents shitty word rip offs like that? I WANT MY MICROSOFT WORD BACK) refuses to indent paragraphs. I try hitting tab, it indents everything. GRAH. I thought I had my muse back and it is totally ruined by this dumb ass program not working.
Yes, I am cursing a lot. I'm ( Read more... )
Okay... You asked for my oppinion, so I'll give it to you. I really like "Eulogy for a Broken Backyard." It has a very malencholy feel, and the words flow really nicely. I personally like the ending, but I think you need to change the first line in the second stanza. "The deck is losing too" rhymes too much with the previous two lines and has a rather cheesy sound. Maybe change "too" to "as well?" I get the feeling it's not supposed to rhyme much anyway. Other than that, I think it's definitely a good candidate for submission.
The prologue is also really well written. I have a question though: "...the young girls' final resting place was..." Is it supposed to be "girls'" or "girl's?" Just making sure you meant to write that. If you're going to submit this, though, I suggest you look at some of the later paragraphs and revise the structure. You started out great, but after a while, it pretty much turned into "I did this, she did that, etc." And if you really want me to go further, I'd chop off everything after "Chicago," except for the last sentence after the break. That stuff doesn't really add anything that can't be assumed, and I think you're overkilling the "numbness" thing with the extra descriptions. If he felt numb and lost, he probably wouldn't talk about it in so much detail. (Plus, it would keep the readers' attention away from the fact that he just conveniently happened to have a US visa at the time.)
Oh, and "He waved as I drove off and I returned it" isn't gramatically correct, as "it" isn't refering to anything, but that's just a minor thing I caught.
I would definitely send "Only Slightly Lost." It's written well and just very good altogether. I don't really know what else to say about it.
"The Six Levels of Flannel Blanket Happiness" and "Just a Walk" are both original in a risky way. Since you have nothing to lose, you can try submitting them. It's just that the latter goes off on irrelevent tangents, and even though that's part of the point, it might be misinterpreted as bad technique.
I'm not speaking without bias when I say this, but you probably shouldn't send "Tender Kisses" or "He was my prince." While they're both cute, that whole theme of true love and all has been overkilled to death by everyone ever. That's just my oppinion though. ^^'
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I changed that line in Eulogy. Suprisingly nobody in my class caught that, even though it's one of the parts I was kind of meh about. Glad you think the ending is okay- I think it is too. I'm going to keep it. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'll send that one in.
Aw thanks. XD Girls'... girl's... damn, I forget the difference. I'll talk to you about that one tommorow. And visas? Hah, minor detail. Very true. I think I might cut off that stuff and then send that one in. I'll probably get rid of the waving line in question as well, since I can't think of how to fix it right now.
And you think I should send 'Only Slightly Lost'? Heh. You don't think that they'll be all over me for... uh, some of the content?
Okays. True love is so overdone, I agree. And since I'm trying to make myself seem like an indivdual and not another lame emo girl, I probably will take your advice and not send them.
Thanks. *snugs* If you ever need any help from me, just holler. xD
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"Just a Walk"
Oh! And the one without a name. ^_^
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Content? There's a difference between admitting to being a drunk in a narrative college essay and writing about what is a true fact of life for some people. They're looking for good writers, not innocently ignorant angels. x.x It's the same as the time you got told off for spilt-coffe thing. (Of course that's just the way I see it.) So I don't think that'll be a problem. On the other hand, if you're really worried, you might want to get a more legitimate opinion from, say, Ms. Leese or Mr. Siderio.
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XD
That's very true. Considering that it can't really hurt me.... well, I might take it in and show it to Kemery.
And I think I'm going to send Eulogy and the prolouge, definitly, and maybe 'Only Slightly Lost'.
Thanks so much again for your input. ^_^
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