Denial - 02 Fading Times (Part B)
Warnings: NSFW - Adult content, violence, sexual references, partial nudity.
[DE*NI*AL: Psychology. An unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable]
DENIAL (Nothing is what it seems)
Chapter 02: Fading Times (Part B)
"So, you'll be moving to the Specter's old house, now."
Loki spoke with a light wondering tone, but sounding almost sure.
"Not exactly" Nervous replied low.
That had been the plan, initially. Upon reaching adulthood, Nervous would move, with his mother and cousin, to the old household at the other end of town, where Loki could easily visit him. But when the time came, and had to consider his options, the young man had silently changed his mind.
Loki didn't reply immediately. He stood immobile for a while, probably waiting to hear an explanation or something else from him, but Nervous simply focused on his luggage, trying not to remind himself that he would, most probably, never see Loki again, because regardless of how much the thought could hurt, Nervous was sure that he would eventually regret staying even more.
"Where are you going then?" The blond man broke the silence
"I'm... leaving town, Loki." He answered awkwardly.
There was a longer pause then. For a moment Loki seemed actually confused, like he couldn't understand the words, but when Nervous attempted to move around and continue packing, the other man blocked his way frowning concerned.
"You can't leave, Nervous, you need to be ... under observation" Loki said, stammering lightly at the end.
"No, I don't" Nervous barely muttered in return. "And I'm old enough now, Loki, you can't keep me here"
Deep down, both knew there was no legal or medical reason for him to remain at the Beakers; only a personal one. And it had been like that for long, in matter of facts.
Technically, Nervous' health wasn't maybe perfect, but not really a cause of concern either, and neither was his mental state, as he had proved to be more than able of doing all kind of basic chores. He was certainly capable of living by himself, and as such he could had declared himself emancipated way beyond reaching adulthood, but back then, leaving Loki was the last thing on his mind.
It had been only time, and the slow process of reaching maturity, what made him finally realize the future he was destined to have by staying at that household; and placing pros and cons on the balance, everything he had to endure just to stay to close to Loki, wasn't worthy considering how little he had gained in return.
Nervous had accepted that his relationship with Loki would never be what he wished it to be, and it was better to face the reality as an adult for once, than continue dreaming like a delusional youngster.
"Please don't leave, Ner" Loki got Nervous by surprise, lightly reaching his hand while whispering.
He felt his legs trembling with the contact, and though Nervous' first thought was to let go and step away,
feeling Loki's proximity and the intensity of his stare, as he was moving slowly closer and closer, was quickly making him loose all common sense,
until the temptation of the other man's lips was stronger than any reasoning.
But as he moved, so did Loki avoiding his kiss to only hug him back intensely.
And there, holding the man he had silently loved since teen, but feeling cold and rejected once more, Nervous easily remembered why he had decided to leave in first place,
but as he tried to pull back, Loki only restrained him tighter.
"Why...?" He asked sadly.
"Because I can't stand this any longer, Loki," Nervous answered heavily "Watching you with her, at distance, hoping you'd come to me, sometime."
And once more Nervous tried to pull free,
and once again Loki stopped him,
this time pulling him into a strong, but silent embrace.
After a while, in which nothing but their own breathing could be heard, Nervous slowly moved back, hoping Loki had finally understood, and was quietly saying goodbye. He should be relieved that it seemed to be so, but a part of him couldn't avoid to feel the sour sensation of being let go, and was secretly wishing for the other man to fight more, or at least...
"Kiss me, Loki, kiss me good bye" The words came out almost moved by its own will.
"I"ll do better than that" The other replied.
And with that, Loki pulled him by one hand violently,
forcing him to turn around while taking off his pullover impetuously.
Nervous had dreamed with that moment for so long, he didn't resist or even attempted to stop him this time,
instead he simply let go feeling Loki's desire growing at his back, while their cloths were slowing coming off piece by piece.
"Don't leave me, Ner..." Loki started whispering to his ear,
as his lips were lightly brushing the back of his neck,
and every word felt like a drug blinding his senses.
"I can't let you go..."
"... I wont!"
Loki didn't give Nervous time to react, before injecting him with a strong dose of sedatives.
Allowing the young man to fantasize a bit was one thing, but letting him leave the house by himself was completely unacceptable. His mental state had become unstable and unpredictable to the point in which Loki found the need of carrying a loaded syringe constantly at hand. Of course, he would only use in very extreme cases, but certainly stopping a mad man from endangering himself, and others, by running wild on the streets, was one of them.
The young man probably didn't even realized what had just happened, when his body was already falling in Loki's arms, weightless,
and, although with time he had undoubtedly grown, the black haired was still considerably thin, so carrying him to the bed, had always been an easy task
but he needed to be kept warm and covered to protect his weak health, because, regardless of the surrounding desert, their house was constantly cold inside.
And so, finally Loki laid with him, to keep the young man company,
while making sure he would remain asleep and calmed.
You'll stay with me now...
"I will, if you promise to visit me every night." The back haired man replied giggling while relaxing in bed.
And as said, he had.
Nervous staid at the Beakers household after all.
Even rearranged his room and changed his hair to something he thought to be more appropriate for his age,
but Loki never came back to his bed.
Until, one night...
"Ner, wake up" Loki had lighten up one of the lamps and was staring over him looking slightly worried
"What happened?" He asked sitting up, more concerned than hopeful just by looking at his face.
"Remember how you wanted to leave town after your birthday?" Loki spoke softly, sitting by his side while placing one arm around his shoulder.
"Yes" Nervous muttered bitterly "and you promised to come if I staid instead, but you never did"
"I'm sorry. That was selfish of me, and wrong" Loki sighed sadly "but you must go now, as soon as possible"
Nervous immediately attempted to refute shaking his head effusively, but Loki pulled him closer.
"You have to..." He hesitated shortly, and continued staring directly into his eyes "I think she suspects. You're not safe here"
Loki seemed seriously worried, and Nervous knew exaclty why. Circe could be extremely dangerous, even worse if mad. No one was safe.
"Leave with me, then" Nervous said briskly "We can go far, where she would never found us."
"No, she'd hunt me down, hunts us down." Loki replied holding him tighter "You'll be never be in peace with me. I'm the one who's tied to her, you deserve to be free."
"I rather be forever locked in here, than a day outside alone, without you" Nervous clutched into Loki arms sobbing.
"But I don't...." Loki spoke softly to his ear "I can't take care of you like I want, or love like you deserve"
"But you do." Nervous insisted between sobs "You do take care of me, you..."
He wanted to tell Loki how much he had secretly learned during his life with Beakers. Tell him of all the times he had heard them arguing in their room about him, and then watched Loki paying the consequences of confronting Circe about her treatments and abuse.
Nervous had lived in that household long enough to understand how things worked indoors. Circe didn't scream or argue loudly, neither she was violent or aggressive, but she retaliate. She sought for a vengeance, usually in the most subtly, but cold hearted way possible.
She would poison Loki's food to make him sick, and then keep him sick for days after every argument, so he would feel nauseous and weak,
often barely able to stand out of bed by himself. ... And all because of him.
" You do love me" Nervous murmured softly, feeling guilty for the pain he had caused him, and ashamed of his own selfishness.
"I do..." Loki gasped, pushing him tenderly toward the bed, until they were laying on the pillow "And I don't want this for you. I want you to have a life, a better life, Ner, away from here."
Loki was right. He had go, as soon as possible. Regardless of his own wishes or hopes, staying at the Beaker any longer would only condemn Loki to more undeserved and unnecessary suffering.
And so, Nervous nodded back, understanding and, with that, he welcomed the blond man on his arm for the last time, but gladly and thankfully taking in every minute they had left together, until the early sun started lightening the room, and warned them of the beginning of another day.
"Can I cook lunch today?" Nervous asked suddenly, after they had just finished getting dressed.
Loki looked him back puzzled, but before he could say anything Nervous continued
"I just would like to do lunch before leaving" He explained, shyly adding at the end "... if that's ok to you, of course"
Loki kept quiet thoughtful for a while, but then nodded moving towards and wrapped him with his arms once more.
"Just be careful causing a fire." He whispered with a peculiar smirk on his face "Someone could get hurt."
"I will" Nervous gasped in response.
But blinded by his own desires burning again, he was barely paying any attention to the words at first; until, he suddenly he found himself entangled by arms and lips, in the kiss he always dreamed of, but never got before; not even during the intimate times they had expend together.
Every time Nervous had reached for his mouth, Loki had found a subtly way to avoid him before, and for a moment he accepted the kiss as their final goodbye, but then, observing as the blond man sat seriously on the edge of the bed once again, Nervous understood exactly what he had meant...
I must get ready for work now.
"Yeah ... work" Nervous snorted sarcastically "You haven't work a day in months!"
Loki ignored the comment as he picked up his bag. He knew that the delusional man was only trying to provoke him, knowing how much he missed his job now, when he needed to spend such a big part of his time at home, caring for the young man.
"Oh, so you are gonna work to play doctor today, eh??" Nervous continued his incoherent blather, as Loki took out a stethoscope and set up some implements on the bed.
"No, I just need to give a physical before leaving" He answered patiently, while keeping in mind that the other man was, in fact, only trying to aggravate him, but as the doctor in charge he couldn't let himself affected by the nonsensical grumble of a mental patient.
"Ooohh!!! A physical! How exciting!" Nervous continued sarcastically "Do I get naked now, then? Or do you wanna do that part yourself...?"
"Stop talking nonsense, Nervous!" Loki replied annoyed, but still fighting to keep his temper "I'll just take your blood pressure and give you some medicines!"
"You stop calling me nervous!" The black haired grunted loudly, and then continued uttering madly about his name, like he did often.
But used to his behavior, and more than familiarized with his aggressive and sudden reactions, Loki stepped away subtly, taking his bag to the farther counter to separate a few utensils, and kept the rest its content at a safe distance.
"What are you gonna do now?" Nervous asked, apparently more concerned than angry this time "Are you gonna drug me again? I don't wanna take more medicines, they make feel all dizzy ... and... " He paused shortly, and his tone turned violent again "You like that, don't you!? Making me weak so I can't fight back when you ... get all physical on me, don't you!!??"
"That's enough!!" Loki faced him madly "You are a sick man who have lost all connexion with reality. Your hallucinations amuse me, but I'm a man of science, who takes your precarious mental state very seriously."
"You were a man of science, Loki!! But you were fired several months ago. MONTHS!! You are the one who lost all connexion with reality. You are the one hallucinating here! When are you going to end this charade? For how long are you gonna keep doing this, Loki!??"
"As long it takes to cure your problem, of course" Loki replied frustrated "but unfortunately we are not doing any progress here, are we?"
"No, we aren't." Nervous sighed deeply "No progress at all"
"Circe is going to be so disappointed when she gets back..." Loki continued shaking his head, and turned around to check on his bag again, so couldn't see Nervous jumping out of bed.
"CIRCE!? CIRCE!?" Nervous hollered at his back "ARE YOU STILL WAITING FOR HER, YOU PSYCHOPATH!?"
"NERVOUS, WHAT THE...!?" The assault cough Loki completely off guard. He thought to reach one of the loaded syringes, but only managed to move a couple of feet away, as the other man started getting dangerously close to him.
"DON'T CALL ME NERVOUS!" The black haired man continued yelling and reaching towards, with a frenzied look in his eyes.
"STOP IT! DON'T...!" Loki couldn't escape from the madman's grasp on time twice.
"CIRCE'S DEAD! SHE'S DIED IN THE FIRE!" Nervous cried enraged, as he held him tightly by one arm."SHE'S DEAD!"
But after patiently hearing the same, and sometimes even worse, claims over and over again, Loki simply refused to tolerated anymore. He was done. Done of patiently bear with his insane accusations, and certainly done with wasting his life and career for such a hopeless case.
And so, with all his might Loki fought back, until finally he grabbed hold of the delusional man, and spoke to him acutely, like he had done so many occasions before, but making sure that his words wold be clear and direct enough this time, so he wouldn't have to repeat them ever again.
"CIRCE ...
IS ...
NOT ...
DEAD!
"NOT..
DEAD!!
"SHE'S ...
NOT ...
DEAD!
NOT...DEAD!"
The words continued echoing in Loki's mind even after he had ran out of strength, and stood immobile observing the unconscious body laying on the floor,
while waiting for Nervous to stand up protesting and cursing like he normally did, but instead the room only became colder and quieter with every minute, until the only thing that could be heard was is own gasping.
"Nervous...?" Loki stepped closer uttering softly.
"Nervous!? ... answer me"
But there seemed to be nothing coming from him. Not a sound, or a moan; not even a breath, or a heart bit ... nothing.
He was gone.
"No!... don't leave me!" A tight knot was forming on Loki throat, making him feel like running out of life himself.
"Please, answer me... NERUS!!"
"Loki..." A low voice was heard, as Nervous started breathing weakly "You remember ... my name"
"Ner..." Loki held his hand carefully, and probably for the time on his life, he could feel tears coming down his face.
Denial
))<"
to be continued
---------------------------
I apologize for the delay with this part, its been pretty much done for a while, but I had two different alternatives for the end of the chapter and took me a while to decide for one. Also I'm aware that my writing is weaker than usual here. :/ Just hope its ok enough.(A could continue working and rewriting this for ever, but doubt it'd end up any better, tbh)
JIC, Nervous is actually an adult at the beginning of the chapter, but I made him look very young on purpose using a look that's very similar to the one he had as teen. And 'Nerus' means NOTHING! Its just based on how the word 'nervous' sounds in my head :P (tho, there's a similar name of an old 'god' of something, and a rather appropriate, but highly questionable definition in the urban dictionary LOL!!)
Thanks for reading :)
Cheers! <3