This is a whim
I'm not 100% what I will accomplish by posting here. I'm doing so on a whim, this is complete self edification, I imagine maybe the curious internet wanderer from my past will stumble upon this and take a moment to read it, that would be interesting, perhaps not though.
2006, the last time I posted... Hmm.
I actually read this entire journal tonight, from 19 to 24, everything I had written. I'm 27 now, in a few months I'll be 28. It's strange really, reading this all again. My first thought as I read through was "Dear God, I hate myself".. maybe just because that phrase was put into my head recently by a friend, apparently it's title of a new album by xiu xiu. That's far too self depricating, I thought it with a smirk really but, there is some pain attached to looking through the past, some wonderment, plenty of clear hindsight.
I was a pretty fucked up kid, as I look back... for a long while I tried to hard, I was always cryptic in this journal, I think I never actually told 90% of my friends the solid truth of what was going on in my life. I think a lot of the time I didn't tell myself the truth about what was going on in my life. I feel like I can firmly say that now at 27, where I'm at, I have grown a good share since the repetitive self pitying nature of my younger years.
I used to know a lot of great people, I think about them time to time, fondly usually, I wonder where they are now, how they are, what they did with my life, I wonder why I failed to keep up with them. I don't think I was ever a great friend to people in my youth, I don't think I could of been, I think I wanted to be, I definitely didn't know how. I talked a good deal about accountability, because I wanted myself to have more, I never took my own advice.
Because I doubt anyone will read this, and if they do well, it's only fair for them to know this, I do want to talk a little about what was going on in my life during all those years.
For one, I never talked about my parents divorcing when I was 18, I refused to ever let on that it bothered me, and it did. Furthermore, I don't think I ever mentioned that at 18 my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and I was told she would die by the time I was 20. Ironically, she's still alive, though a bit of a wreck of a human being, I love her very much and yet am completely unable to help her. When she learned she was dying, she relapsed into a very destructive alcoholism. When I talked in my past journals about being trapped in a cycle of self disappointment, or being trapped in circumstances. While a good deal of that was my own making, much of it stemmed from the fact that I was living with my mother, who was dying, drinking, and was a wreck, as well as my stepfather(who had the same disease) and my stepbrother, who was 12 when he moved in with us when I was 18, and who for a fair portion of the time in my life, I had to take on a great deal of responsibility for raising him.
In retrospect, I think I would of done myself a great service if I had left my family dynamic when I was much much younger... but loyalty, or guilt, and fear, apathy, complacency, whatever the mix of emotions was, lead me to let myself stay in that situation, even if it was draining and abusive. Some of you who might read this were close enough to me to see it, many of you weren't, pride often stops people from truly talking about their vulnerability, mine often did. I was very ashamed for whatever reason to admit then that I was damaged, now it's a fact I'm very aware of.
As of the beginning of this year for the first time ever, I am living on my own, away from my family, every last one of them. I am doing my best to repair the scattered parts of my mind, to develop better habits. It's just recently setting in that I am fully in control of my life, that something that's happening to someone else around me can't derail what I am doing, it's a nice feeling.
For any of you who gave me praise and support when I was younger, thank you. For those of you who gave me more than I could give back, I wish I could go back and make it up to you. Life is a strange journey, and I am still young yet in so many ways, but so much wiser now than I was then. RIP my misspent youth.
2006, the last time I posted... Hmm.
I actually read this entire journal tonight, from 19 to 24, everything I had written. I'm 27 now, in a few months I'll be 28. It's strange really, reading this all again. My first thought as I read through was "Dear God, I hate myself".. maybe just because that phrase was put into my head recently by a friend, apparently it's title of a new album by xiu xiu. That's far too self depricating, I thought it with a smirk really but, there is some pain attached to looking through the past, some wonderment, plenty of clear hindsight.
I was a pretty fucked up kid, as I look back... for a long while I tried to hard, I was always cryptic in this journal, I think I never actually told 90% of my friends the solid truth of what was going on in my life. I think a lot of the time I didn't tell myself the truth about what was going on in my life. I feel like I can firmly say that now at 27, where I'm at, I have grown a good share since the repetitive self pitying nature of my younger years.
I used to know a lot of great people, I think about them time to time, fondly usually, I wonder where they are now, how they are, what they did with my life, I wonder why I failed to keep up with them. I don't think I was ever a great friend to people in my youth, I don't think I could of been, I think I wanted to be, I definitely didn't know how. I talked a good deal about accountability, because I wanted myself to have more, I never took my own advice.
Because I doubt anyone will read this, and if they do well, it's only fair for them to know this, I do want to talk a little about what was going on in my life during all those years.
For one, I never talked about my parents divorcing when I was 18, I refused to ever let on that it bothered me, and it did. Furthermore, I don't think I ever mentioned that at 18 my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and I was told she would die by the time I was 20. Ironically, she's still alive, though a bit of a wreck of a human being, I love her very much and yet am completely unable to help her. When she learned she was dying, she relapsed into a very destructive alcoholism. When I talked in my past journals about being trapped in a cycle of self disappointment, or being trapped in circumstances. While a good deal of that was my own making, much of it stemmed from the fact that I was living with my mother, who was dying, drinking, and was a wreck, as well as my stepfather(who had the same disease) and my stepbrother, who was 12 when he moved in with us when I was 18, and who for a fair portion of the time in my life, I had to take on a great deal of responsibility for raising him.
In retrospect, I think I would of done myself a great service if I had left my family dynamic when I was much much younger... but loyalty, or guilt, and fear, apathy, complacency, whatever the mix of emotions was, lead me to let myself stay in that situation, even if it was draining and abusive. Some of you who might read this were close enough to me to see it, many of you weren't, pride often stops people from truly talking about their vulnerability, mine often did. I was very ashamed for whatever reason to admit then that I was damaged, now it's a fact I'm very aware of.
As of the beginning of this year for the first time ever, I am living on my own, away from my family, every last one of them. I am doing my best to repair the scattered parts of my mind, to develop better habits. It's just recently setting in that I am fully in control of my life, that something that's happening to someone else around me can't derail what I am doing, it's a nice feeling.
For any of you who gave me praise and support when I was younger, thank you. For those of you who gave me more than I could give back, I wish I could go back and make it up to you. Life is a strange journey, and I am still young yet in so many ways, but so much wiser now than I was then. RIP my misspent youth.