Sam
I have been sick for a few days now with a majority of my time spent awkward, tired, and ummm did i mention awkward. So yesterday I picked up Sam from the airport dressed in my hot little dress I got for my birthday and we talked about his trip all the way home. I told him my stories of what happened while he was away and he told his. I suprised him with my bouncing bunny rabbit ball and bounced on it in the airport parking lot. We went back to his house and visited more. He showered while I slept (or tried to) sleep in his bed. We wrestled and tickled and flirted for a little bit than got up to go get food. I wanted to take him to Jollies but it was closed...bastards. Oh it was funny because there I was dressed super stylish and he came out in super ugly shorts he got in china and an old shirt that didn't match. LOL. We decided to walk down to get tacos. As we were walking I had an entire table, as he put it, eye fuck me over twice. It felt pretty good but noticed that Sam REALLY notices the guys that checks me out than immediately looks at me to see if I noticed which he assumes I think that I don't because i just don't care so give no reaction. I bought him tacos and we sat outside eating them as I starred off into space and felt awkward. I think I felt awkward because I didn't feel like myself being sick and because I had hyped this guy up so much while he was gone to China... and I missed him but couldn't tell him because of social lines and graces... fucking hell! Afterwards we walked along the beach and talked. I asked him questions about his past hoping that at some point I could warn him that mine was fucked up and because of it I too am a little fucked... it never happened. than we sat on a giant rock and watched the sun set over the mountains and looked at the downtown core. When we started walking I almost pissed myself as he told an overly ethusiastic story about how he brought 'bump' basketball to band camp. tee hee. I love when he tells me stories of band camp...it's so precious. Than we went back to my house and for some reason I wound up showing him my sex drawer and going through a sex position book. Fucking hell Aleah... how do I do it.. I think I have actually come to realize it's out of nervousness and not knowing how to crack it more ummmm socially acceptably. After, as he claims I didn't, scaring him I put some Sjuvan Stevens on. God I love that band right now and wolf parade. mmmmm. We laid in my bed with the lights off except my blue firefly lights in our underwear (I forget how that happened) laying in silence. He drew all over me and I snuggled close to him. He would occasionally comment on how movie-esc the whole night was and would point out how cute we looked in the mirrors at the end of my bed. Occasionally we would talk but either way I felt like we were saying tons. Sam eventually leaned down to kiss me and things just progressed to passionate long kisses. He griped me close and in between kisses I would catch him smiling as I giggled and smiled myself. We would look into eachother's eyes and there I found that he was fully happy in the moment. Each time I kissed him I could feel myself feel for him a little more...than my brain would take over and I would run away a little. But when I let it just flow I felt a tingle that I hadn't felt since I first started dating Curtis. I have soo much fear it shocks me. We kissed for hours taking turns curessing eachother. Than we wound up naked... I gave him a hand job that I think shocked him...because he said he had NEVER had something like that before...weird. I am seriously wondering how experienced this boy is...though he still knows how to touch me right even though the whole time I was shutting down because i am so scarred. Sam told me several times how much he missed me while he was gone which made me feel releaved that I wasn't the only one. He tried his finger again but it's still too big. I really like how tiny I feel beside him. I like how big he is even though he is self conscious of his weight. Than came the time where we contemplated sex. To be honest the thought scared me because of the volunerablility that would come with it. I told him that I have to things with sex. Sex where I don't talk to the guy much before and don't talk to him after and just get sex, than the other is where I have sex and get attached. He followed by asking me, "so than what happens if you are already attached?". In which I replied, "than, ummm, sex follows". I wish i would have said..."I run screaming". After that I felt a little better about having sex knowing that he knew where I would be after...or would he?! So we wound up having sex. It was really good, though didn't last super long considering I gave a shit load of head before hand and he said it was one of the tightest things he has ever tried to put it into (giggle and smile). I am fully liking this guy and it's REALLY scary! I am freaking out but at the same time am really excited. I am so torn I want to spend lots of time with him but at the same time I don't want to because I am freaking out when I do because of the volunerability I feel.
