Looking back....
I don't know why but lately I have been looking back on what all has happened and where I have been in the past year. I am very proud of myself for what I have accomplished and what I have eliminated from my life, but yet I look back and have to wonder could there of been an easier way of dealing with things? I am not proud of myself for somethings, but yet I am for finally realizing that I am better off without these relationships and circumstances that I went threw hell for. But still I wonder, why did I let it all happen? Why do I still get upset over these thoughts? what can i do to finally get them out of my head?
I have been focusing very hard on my career and what I need to do to be competitive again, but in turn I have been using that as an excuse as well. I keep telling myself that my job needs to come before any personal relationships can even begin to start. Am I trying to make myself believe this so I don't get hurt again, or do I trully not want something right now? I am wondering what is my heart really feeling? I keep trying to open up, but as soon as i do, I close myself back up! Why do i keep doing this to myself, is it really helping? am i letting myself really heal from everything? I don't know which is the most confusing part of all!
I catch myself thinking of being with someone, and then I think about how much I am enjoying my space, my time, and being independent! I love knowing that I can depend on myself and no one else, but yet I miss having someone to hold, be with, and have long talks with! Maybe it is the holiday season that is bringing up all of these feelings, and maybe it is my heart saying something else! I don't know anymore, what I do know is that I feel more confused than ever!
I have been focusing very hard on my career and what I need to do to be competitive again, but in turn I have been using that as an excuse as well. I keep telling myself that my job needs to come before any personal relationships can even begin to start. Am I trying to make myself believe this so I don't get hurt again, or do I trully not want something right now? I am wondering what is my heart really feeling? I keep trying to open up, but as soon as i do, I close myself back up! Why do i keep doing this to myself, is it really helping? am i letting myself really heal from everything? I don't know which is the most confusing part of all!
I catch myself thinking of being with someone, and then I think about how much I am enjoying my space, my time, and being independent! I love knowing that I can depend on myself and no one else, but yet I miss having someone to hold, be with, and have long talks with! Maybe it is the holiday season that is bringing up all of these feelings, and maybe it is my heart saying something else! I don't know anymore, what I do know is that I feel more confused than ever!