Entry: The Forty-Sixth-- Trojan Horse
I can’t believe the following commercial hasn’t been made:
(Eric Bana as Hector and Orlando Bloom as Paris, stand in battle. They nonchalantly fend off swarms of attacking Greeks, while all around them fellow Trojans perish)
Hector: Hey, Paris, you gellin’?
Paris: We’re taking a shellin’, but I’m still gellin’.
(A soldier limps by with large spear sticking out of a massive chest wound)
Hector: That guy ain’t gellin’
Soldier: *AARRRGH!*
Paris: The wound is quite tellin’
(A messenger runs up to Hector)
Messenger: THE TROOPS ARE REBELLIN’!
Paris: Hey, man, quit yellin’
Hector: The troops are rebellin’?
Messenger: The death toll is swellin’
Hector: My death they’re foretellin’, yet I’M not rebellin’
Paris: That’s cause you’re gellin’ (*exchange high-five*)
(Suddenly, Brad Pitt as Achilles runs by, carrying a screaming Diana Kruger in his arms)
Paris: Achilles has Helen!
Hector: (*shrugs*) No sweat
Paris and Hector, smiling at camera: We’re gellin’
(Cut to announcer talking about comfortable shoes and all that nonsense)
I know the budget would be a bit high for your average TV commercial, but I think the result would be worth it, both from an artistic perspective, and a marketing one. I mean, who can resist the combination of Homeric literature, Brad Pitt, and gel ball foot cushions*?
(Shoot, I need a good segue to something entirely unrelated... um, take your pick out of these three)
I. I think this idea came to mind because Dr. Scholl’s inserts go in shoes, and I bought new shoes yesterday. It’s become something of a tradition for me to make my annual sneakers purchase at the outlet malls in Rehoboth Beach, DE, where Factory Brand Shoes outlet can provide a year’s worth of footwear for only $39.99 (and no sales tax!). It’s good deals like this have led me to include Rehoboth twice on my Summer 2004 travel itinerary, which now reads:
Rehoboth Beach, DE (twice)
Boston, MA and Providence, RI (same trip)
Seattle, WA
Some ramshackle cabin in “Upstate, NY”
New York, NY
(all in the span of 50 days)
Unfortunately, familial pressures are calling a couple of these items into question.
II. It's this sort of marketing brilliance that strikes a person too focused on TV over a long weekend. Rehoboth Beach, DE provides only so much innate entertainment when the weather is cold, then Phillies baseball, GSN, and assorted commercials need do the rest. Of course, this makes me even less comfortable with the fact that
III. In many ways, the plight of the great warrior-king Agamemnon reminds me of my own. Agamemnon rounded up legions of allied kings (think Swatties) from all over the Greek peninsula (think East Coast) and organized a great expedition to Troy (think New York). However, the fates (Temporus, god of scheduling conflicts) forbade him to go unless he sacrificed his daughter (disappointed his family). In other words, what's happening is
my parents are requesting that I spend more time down at the beach with them, which would mean skipping either Mary’s cabin or the July New York trip. So organizers of these excursions (Mary and Victoria, I guess?), please, assure me they’re going to happen, tell me how cool they’re going to be, list all the fun things we’re going to do, so I can be convinced to come. Thanks much!
*If you’re confused, then clearly you don’t watch enough TV. Go here to check out one of the relevant commercials.
(Eric Bana as Hector and Orlando Bloom as Paris, stand in battle. They nonchalantly fend off swarms of attacking Greeks, while all around them fellow Trojans perish)
Hector: Hey, Paris, you gellin’?
Paris: We’re taking a shellin’, but I’m still gellin’.
(A soldier limps by with large spear sticking out of a massive chest wound)
Hector: That guy ain’t gellin’
Soldier: *AARRRGH!*
Paris: The wound is quite tellin’
(A messenger runs up to Hector)
Messenger: THE TROOPS ARE REBELLIN’!
Paris: Hey, man, quit yellin’
Hector: The troops are rebellin’?
Messenger: The death toll is swellin’
Hector: My death they’re foretellin’, yet I’M not rebellin’
Paris: That’s cause you’re gellin’ (*exchange high-five*)
(Suddenly, Brad Pitt as Achilles runs by, carrying a screaming Diana Kruger in his arms)
Paris: Achilles has Helen!
Hector: (*shrugs*) No sweat
Paris and Hector, smiling at camera: We’re gellin’
(Cut to announcer talking about comfortable shoes and all that nonsense)
I know the budget would be a bit high for your average TV commercial, but I think the result would be worth it, both from an artistic perspective, and a marketing one. I mean, who can resist the combination of Homeric literature, Brad Pitt, and gel ball foot cushions*?
(Shoot, I need a good segue to something entirely unrelated... um, take your pick out of these three)
I. I think this idea came to mind because Dr. Scholl’s inserts go in shoes, and I bought new shoes yesterday. It’s become something of a tradition for me to make my annual sneakers purchase at the outlet malls in Rehoboth Beach, DE, where Factory Brand Shoes outlet can provide a year’s worth of footwear for only $39.99 (and no sales tax!). It’s good deals like this have led me to include Rehoboth twice on my Summer 2004 travel itinerary, which now reads:
Rehoboth Beach, DE (twice)
Boston, MA and Providence, RI (same trip)
Seattle, WA
Some ramshackle cabin in “Upstate, NY”
New York, NY
(all in the span of 50 days)
Unfortunately, familial pressures are calling a couple of these items into question.
II. It's this sort of marketing brilliance that strikes a person too focused on TV over a long weekend. Rehoboth Beach, DE provides only so much innate entertainment when the weather is cold, then Phillies baseball, GSN, and assorted commercials need do the rest. Of course, this makes me even less comfortable with the fact that
III. In many ways, the plight of the great warrior-king Agamemnon reminds me of my own. Agamemnon rounded up legions of allied kings (think Swatties) from all over the Greek peninsula (think East Coast) and organized a great expedition to Troy (think New York). However, the fates (Temporus, god of scheduling conflicts) forbade him to go unless he sacrificed his daughter (disappointed his family). In other words, what's happening is
my parents are requesting that I spend more time down at the beach with them, which would mean skipping either Mary’s cabin or the July New York trip. So organizers of these excursions (Mary and Victoria, I guess?), please, assure me they’re going to happen, tell me how cool they’re going to be, list all the fun things we’re going to do, so I can be convinced to come. Thanks much!
*If you’re confused, then clearly you don’t watch enough TV. Go here to check out one of the relevant commercials.