Entry: The Thirty-Ninth-- Accomplishments, a Compilation
Here’s a neat little statistic for you: since Winter Break began, I’ve produced 3614 words worth of LiveJournal entries. That’s a helluva lot, I do have to say. Imagine how much time all that carefully constructed writing must’ve taken me. Quite a substantial amount indeed. Makes you think, to do so much LiveJournaling, I probably didn’t do much else over this break...or did I? I bet you don’t really know, do you? You’re almost entirely clueless. For you see, as much as I’ve written these past few weeks, I’ve barely mentioned my own personal exploits. You’ve heard me discuss pretentious paleontologists, fraudulent wizards, and faded rappers, but nothing of my own spectacular accomplishments. Today, however, I return to this recently abandoned subject that is ever so well worth returning to: the subject of myself. Specifically, I’d like to share you with you a list of my recent successes, a few of the many things I’ve accomplished over this amazingly productive winter break:
- Increased my book-reading rate, as compared to my rate from the previous year, by a staggering 3600 PERCENT*!!! Yes, that’s right, 3600 PERCENT!!! Here’s a list, just to prove it:
Full House by Stephen Jay Gould
The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R Tolkien
Moneyball by Michael Lewis
Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel by Scott Adams
Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot by Al Franken
Flatland by Edwin Abbott
Impressive, no? Six books, each read from start to finish. And real books, too. I’m past all that Berenstain Bears nonsense, let me tell you. (I’m a big kid reader now). I guess only time will tell whether this last month was a total fluke, the start of a personal renaissance, or maybe perhaps something somewhere in between.
- Learned to make a tuna melt. Or, more to the point, learned to use a can opener (which was the only real sticking point for me in the past). In the interest of helping others with similar issues, let me make this public-service announcement: the serrated wheel thing that looks like all sharp and pointy and perfect for opening a can with? It’s not. It’s really bad at doing that, actually. You can spend twenty minutes trying to cut open a can with it, and you won’t succeed. It’s only supposed to be a gear, not a cutter. Please, please, please don’t be fooled.
- Got promoted. For the summer of 2004, I will be neither a Wizard nor a Cotton Candy King, but a Program Director**. I know the title might not sound impressive, but believe me, I will have far more power in this role than I ever did before: usually working on spreadsheets, and only occasionally doling out sweet sugary confections. I will be perfectly happy to cede my duties, cotton candy making and all, to the new wizard, whom I will now be able to order around as I see fit. As long as I get to keep my Commander-In-Chief clipboard and special blue spinny chair, it’s a win-win situation as far as I see it. Power, money, and an actual job title. What more could a guy working at a summer camp ask for?
- Learned to tie a tie. I couldn’t believe how easy this turned out to be. I thought I’d have dozens of hilarious near-strangulations to report on, but this wasn’t the case at all. Turns out there are some life skills so simple to acquire that even I can’t botch them up too badly. Whoulda thunk it?
- Graduated from my orthodontist after six-and-a-half years of regular visits and check-ups. It seems my smile is as dazzling now as it’s ever going to be, so please, next time you’re in my presence, do take a moment to marvel at my flawlessly aligned pearly whites and enjoy their geometric precision. That way, even if I do end up with a periodontal condition, gum disease, or some other awful ailment, I’ll still know some good came from these thousands of dollars of treatment.
- Learned far, far more about labor disputes and their resolution than I ever intended to know. And while mostly I spent my externship watching, observing, listening, experiencing, and doing other similarly passive thing, occasionally I tallied up an actual accomplishment. Foremost among these was the time I cracked up a roomful of new arbitrators attending a training seminar with the following hilarious exchange:
Presenting Arbitrator (after finishing her presentation): So, Alex, do you think you’re interested in becoming an arbitrator?
Me: I’m not really sure yet. Can I get back to you sometime in the next thirty days?
The joke of course being that arbitrators have exactly thirty days after a hearing to render their award. (Hey, everyone in the room at the time found it funny!) This was the singular occasion on which I found the knowledge gained from my externship to have practical application.
And a few more quickies for good measure:
- Went on my annual King of Prussia shopping trip and increased my collection of long-sleeve shirts by a whopping fifty percent.
- Gained a rudimentary knowledge of Philadelphia geography. (Or at least a knowledge of the area surrounding Suburban and Market East stations).
- Took naps in four different rooms over four consecutive days.
- Watched the absolute best football game ever. (Eagles 20, Packers 17, in OT)
- Bothered to look up the lyrics of not one, but two different songs online! (So that entire choruses, rather than just single lines, could run repeatedly through my head)
- Learned to scrunch up the right side of my nose independently from the left side, rather than only the left side independently from the right.
Whew. Like I said, I’ve been busy. I can only hope Swarthmore will provide some welcome relief from these crazy-hectic adventures of mine. I have such high hopes for the semester ahead. But right now I need sleep, so I can be well-rested for my triumphant return tomorrow. See all you fellow Swatties soon!
*As best as I can recall, I read two books between December 21st 2002 and December 20th 2003. Thus, my present rate of six books a month is a 3600% percent increase over my previous rate of one-sixth book per month.
**In the interest of compete disclosure, I should note that the job title in full on my contract is: “Program Director, Stalwart Right-Hand Man, and Master of the Universe.” But I’m pretty sure the latter two titles are merely honorary.
- Increased my book-reading rate, as compared to my rate from the previous year, by a staggering 3600 PERCENT*!!! Yes, that’s right, 3600 PERCENT!!! Here’s a list, just to prove it:
Full House by Stephen Jay Gould
The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R Tolkien
Moneyball by Michael Lewis
Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel by Scott Adams
Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot by Al Franken
Flatland by Edwin Abbott
Impressive, no? Six books, each read from start to finish. And real books, too. I’m past all that Berenstain Bears nonsense, let me tell you. (I’m a big kid reader now). I guess only time will tell whether this last month was a total fluke, the start of a personal renaissance, or maybe perhaps something somewhere in between.
- Learned to make a tuna melt. Or, more to the point, learned to use a can opener (which was the only real sticking point for me in the past). In the interest of helping others with similar issues, let me make this public-service announcement: the serrated wheel thing that looks like all sharp and pointy and perfect for opening a can with? It’s not. It’s really bad at doing that, actually. You can spend twenty minutes trying to cut open a can with it, and you won’t succeed. It’s only supposed to be a gear, not a cutter. Please, please, please don’t be fooled.
- Got promoted. For the summer of 2004, I will be neither a Wizard nor a Cotton Candy King, but a Program Director**. I know the title might not sound impressive, but believe me, I will have far more power in this role than I ever did before: usually working on spreadsheets, and only occasionally doling out sweet sugary confections. I will be perfectly happy to cede my duties, cotton candy making and all, to the new wizard, whom I will now be able to order around as I see fit. As long as I get to keep my Commander-In-Chief clipboard and special blue spinny chair, it’s a win-win situation as far as I see it. Power, money, and an actual job title. What more could a guy working at a summer camp ask for?
- Learned to tie a tie. I couldn’t believe how easy this turned out to be. I thought I’d have dozens of hilarious near-strangulations to report on, but this wasn’t the case at all. Turns out there are some life skills so simple to acquire that even I can’t botch them up too badly. Whoulda thunk it?
- Graduated from my orthodontist after six-and-a-half years of regular visits and check-ups. It seems my smile is as dazzling now as it’s ever going to be, so please, next time you’re in my presence, do take a moment to marvel at my flawlessly aligned pearly whites and enjoy their geometric precision. That way, even if I do end up with a periodontal condition, gum disease, or some other awful ailment, I’ll still know some good came from these thousands of dollars of treatment.
- Learned far, far more about labor disputes and their resolution than I ever intended to know. And while mostly I spent my externship watching, observing, listening, experiencing, and doing other similarly passive thing, occasionally I tallied up an actual accomplishment. Foremost among these was the time I cracked up a roomful of new arbitrators attending a training seminar with the following hilarious exchange:
Presenting Arbitrator (after finishing her presentation): So, Alex, do you think you’re interested in becoming an arbitrator?
Me: I’m not really sure yet. Can I get back to you sometime in the next thirty days?
The joke of course being that arbitrators have exactly thirty days after a hearing to render their award. (Hey, everyone in the room at the time found it funny!) This was the singular occasion on which I found the knowledge gained from my externship to have practical application.
And a few more quickies for good measure:
- Went on my annual King of Prussia shopping trip and increased my collection of long-sleeve shirts by a whopping fifty percent.
- Gained a rudimentary knowledge of Philadelphia geography. (Or at least a knowledge of the area surrounding Suburban and Market East stations).
- Took naps in four different rooms over four consecutive days.
- Watched the absolute best football game ever. (Eagles 20, Packers 17, in OT)
- Bothered to look up the lyrics of not one, but two different songs online! (So that entire choruses, rather than just single lines, could run repeatedly through my head)
- Learned to scrunch up the right side of my nose independently from the left side, rather than only the left side independently from the right.
Whew. Like I said, I’ve been busy. I can only hope Swarthmore will provide some welcome relief from these crazy-hectic adventures of mine. I have such high hopes for the semester ahead. But right now I need sleep, so I can be well-rested for my triumphant return tomorrow. See all you fellow Swatties soon!
*As best as I can recall, I read two books between December 21st 2002 and December 20th 2003. Thus, my present rate of six books a month is a 3600% percent increase over my previous rate of one-sixth book per month.
**In the interest of compete disclosure, I should note that the job title in full on my contract is: “Program Director, Stalwart Right-Hand Man, and Master of the Universe.” But I’m pretty sure the latter two titles are merely honorary.