the color of death
i talked to amanda and jessica tonight on the phone and i heard a few things taht make me very unhappy.
jessica told me that my mom yelled at some of the girls and blamed what i did on them. i hate my mom so much it's indescribable. she always blames things on people that aren't to blame. why can't she blame me? it's my fuckign fault. and even then, why does she have to be so indecent around my friends? always. she's a bitch, 100%.
i hate her. she's the color of death.
i realized tonight just how much i miss my friends. i miss the whole dorm so i can't just p ut down names. i really miss jessica though and i hate that i did this to myself.
i've also realized today that i'm falling for him again. i dont know why, maybe it's him or maybe it's' the fact that i'm completely isolated and need someone to fall on. either way, i don't want this. i want to be ...what? something, i don't know.
i love him terribly but i dont know why because it doesnt seem like he's yet prepared to love me back...i mean, yeah...i pushed him for a year and a half and what the hell, why not? but this isn't gonig to make things better. another thing that confuses me is that he doesn't want to make me his...i just realized none of you will understand this stupid rant. maybe jessica will.
why am i so fucking weak.
-- r
The Calling -Wherever You Will Go
So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go