(no subject)
I don't know whats going on, but I'm not enjoying it. I've been rather ill these past three days, and in many ways this has been the worst case of sickness I've ever experienced, not because of the physical ailments my body has been experiencing, but the subconcious beating my mind and emotions have taken these past few days. I'm not entirely sure if an illness naturally causes one to experience bad dreams, but in my case it seems to be the only possible explanation.
Three nights ago I experienced a dream in which I was "volunteering" at my old high school. Basically, I was in charge of assisting the monitoring for the new, high tech computer lab at this school, and my duties were essentially to overlook the facility and keep things running smooth, and at closing time, I was required to turn off the lights in the room. On my first day on the job, I reach for the lightswitch and somehow accidentally hit the emergency fire sprinkler switch, which causes a waterfall to drench the entire room. Computers and other delicate electronics are ruined. Students' textbooks and class projects are destroyed, and I remember specifically watching one teen's acoustic guitar literally dissintegrate in the rain. The staff looked at me like I was an idiot, the school was angry I had destroyed their new equipment, and the students screamed to me about how I had ruined their lives. I didn't know what to do, and I stood there too guilty to just say sorry, knowing nothing I could say to these people could make things any less worse than they already were. I woke up and couldn't get back to bed for an hour.
The next night is actually a complete blur, but I do remember it being a far from pleasant dream. I should've written it down when I woke up, but it's too late now.
Last night, though, was definitely the worst of the bunch. The night was broken up into three different dreams, each one just as bad as the next.
1. Dream One started at the T-Lounge. My band had shown up extremely late to the bar, and many of the people who came out to see us were waiting there, becoming more and more impatient as we set up the equipment. The majority of the audience was new to me, and the last time this crowd had seen one of our shows was before Ray of I had joined, when the band was known as Stardrift. We finally set up, play our set, and notice the crowd is angry. They're telling the us how much they hate the new songs, how much they miss the old material, how much they hate the new band name, and how much cooler the former members were than the new ones. They blame Ray and I for the changes, and they hate us for it. I don't know what to tell these people, but I feel just horrible for ruining their favorite group, and they all just walk out of the bar silent and irritated.
2. Dream Two is somewhat blurry, but many of my friends are present, except for one. That one close friend has apparently died of cancer, and noone knew he had it until it was too late. Not only has one of my best friends died so unexpectedly, but with him dies the dreams of the rest of the band. We all cry for him, and we all feel without him our lives are over. This dream proves to be so horrifying I tell myself it must be a lie, and force myself to wake up, which I do for about 2 seconds, only to begin....
3. Dream Three starts at a party. The kind of party where someone with an empty house decides to buy a few kegs, fill a punchbowl with Kool-Aid and Everclear, and invites as many people as possible. Noone is dead in this dream, and we all go to this mystery house to have a great time. I see a lot of old faces at the party, people I hadn't seen since high school, and I'm thinking this is going to be a blast. Somehow I end up talking to a current friend of mine, and she reveals to me how much she hates hanging around me, and what a fuckin loser I am. Another friend standing close by agrees with her, and tells me that her first impression of me was of how much of an unfunny idiot I was. Suddenly everyone at the party seems to agree with these two friends, and everyone stops talking to me. My bandmates leave the party without telling me they've gone, and I'm left wandering from group to group, like that new kid at school walking the playground trying to find a group of kids who will accept him but keeps getting shunned by everyone he approaches. I'm surrounded by familiar faces, but am completely alone with a plastic cup of alcoholic punch in my hand and a look of complete self-pitty on my face. The dream ends as I'm walking back to my truck to go home.
I know they're just dreams, but for some reason they've left me feeling extremely self concious. I like to think it's just the fever or the medication I'm taking to fight off the common cold thats warping my subconcious, but these dreams seemed too real to me at the time, and in a way they represented genuine fears and concerns in my life. I know it's silly to dwell on what others think of you, but sometimes many of us just can't help ourselves. I'm a little hesistant to get to sleep tonight.
Three nights ago I experienced a dream in which I was "volunteering" at my old high school. Basically, I was in charge of assisting the monitoring for the new, high tech computer lab at this school, and my duties were essentially to overlook the facility and keep things running smooth, and at closing time, I was required to turn off the lights in the room. On my first day on the job, I reach for the lightswitch and somehow accidentally hit the emergency fire sprinkler switch, which causes a waterfall to drench the entire room. Computers and other delicate electronics are ruined. Students' textbooks and class projects are destroyed, and I remember specifically watching one teen's acoustic guitar literally dissintegrate in the rain. The staff looked at me like I was an idiot, the school was angry I had destroyed their new equipment, and the students screamed to me about how I had ruined their lives. I didn't know what to do, and I stood there too guilty to just say sorry, knowing nothing I could say to these people could make things any less worse than they already were. I woke up and couldn't get back to bed for an hour.
The next night is actually a complete blur, but I do remember it being a far from pleasant dream. I should've written it down when I woke up, but it's too late now.
Last night, though, was definitely the worst of the bunch. The night was broken up into three different dreams, each one just as bad as the next.
1. Dream One started at the T-Lounge. My band had shown up extremely late to the bar, and many of the people who came out to see us were waiting there, becoming more and more impatient as we set up the equipment. The majority of the audience was new to me, and the last time this crowd had seen one of our shows was before Ray of I had joined, when the band was known as Stardrift. We finally set up, play our set, and notice the crowd is angry. They're telling the us how much they hate the new songs, how much they miss the old material, how much they hate the new band name, and how much cooler the former members were than the new ones. They blame Ray and I for the changes, and they hate us for it. I don't know what to tell these people, but I feel just horrible for ruining their favorite group, and they all just walk out of the bar silent and irritated.
2. Dream Two is somewhat blurry, but many of my friends are present, except for one. That one close friend has apparently died of cancer, and noone knew he had it until it was too late. Not only has one of my best friends died so unexpectedly, but with him dies the dreams of the rest of the band. We all cry for him, and we all feel without him our lives are over. This dream proves to be so horrifying I tell myself it must be a lie, and force myself to wake up, which I do for about 2 seconds, only to begin....
3. Dream Three starts at a party. The kind of party where someone with an empty house decides to buy a few kegs, fill a punchbowl with Kool-Aid and Everclear, and invites as many people as possible. Noone is dead in this dream, and we all go to this mystery house to have a great time. I see a lot of old faces at the party, people I hadn't seen since high school, and I'm thinking this is going to be a blast. Somehow I end up talking to a current friend of mine, and she reveals to me how much she hates hanging around me, and what a fuckin loser I am. Another friend standing close by agrees with her, and tells me that her first impression of me was of how much of an unfunny idiot I was. Suddenly everyone at the party seems to agree with these two friends, and everyone stops talking to me. My bandmates leave the party without telling me they've gone, and I'm left wandering from group to group, like that new kid at school walking the playground trying to find a group of kids who will accept him but keeps getting shunned by everyone he approaches. I'm surrounded by familiar faces, but am completely alone with a plastic cup of alcoholic punch in my hand and a look of complete self-pitty on my face. The dream ends as I'm walking back to my truck to go home.
I know they're just dreams, but for some reason they've left me feeling extremely self concious. I like to think it's just the fever or the medication I'm taking to fight off the common cold thats warping my subconcious, but these dreams seemed too real to me at the time, and in a way they represented genuine fears and concerns in my life. I know it's silly to dwell on what others think of you, but sometimes many of us just can't help ourselves. I'm a little hesistant to get to sleep tonight.