(no subject)
I have been thinking on things regarding my marriage. I seriously think that it is over. We starting going to couples therapy, but the last few days I have been so angry at my husband. He didn't do anything particular to warrant these feelings, I am just angry at him. As I contemplated these feelings I realize that I don't want to save my marriage. I am so tired of trying and failing.
While I realize that a defeatist attitude is not the best way to enter therapy, I realized that my attitude toward this attempt at therapy to save my marriage is a defeatist attitude. It may not be fair to my husband, but I entered therapy already believing that my marriage was over and that my husband would not do his part of any therapy. Why would I already believe that we are going to fail? Because history has a way of repeating itself. Why should I believe for one single minute that my husband is going to actually follow through and do his part in any therapy that we have? He does not follow through on about 98% of the things he claims he is going to do. He is always telling how is he is going to do this or do that and then he never does anything. So why would I believe that he would do what our therapist tells him to do?
How can a marriage survive when one partner no longer believes, trusts or relies on the other? Ok, so he is the sole support of our family at this time, but I am trying to find a job. I started applying last week to anything that offers 40 hours a week. I realized that if I want to be on my own and have my son, I have to have a job of some kind. I was stupid to ever believe that I could count on a man. No offense to men, but most have proved to be unreliable and untrustworthy in my experience. My husband is apparently no exception. I thought he was, but turns out I was wrong.
He is always telling me that he loves me, but actions speak so much louder than words. His actions towards me tell me that he no longer even wants me in his life. He just doesn't get it. I need to FEEL loved, not be told. I need to FEEL wanted, not have him tell me that he wants me. I am just so lonely that I can literally feel the loneliness like fog around me. It is so thick that sometimes I feel like I cannot breathe.
So here we are at a cross roads. I want to separate and see how that goes, but he doesn't want to separate. Of course not. He always makes promises any time that I am actually about to walk out the door and every time I have listened to him and believed him and stayed. And each time I have been disappointed and left more lonely and unhappy than the time before. I agreed to discuss this with our therapist on Tuesday. I do not believe any of the promises that he is making. He is nothing more than a liar to me at this time. I do not believe anything he has to say to me about our marriage.
I know my friends are praying for me and hope that things work out. I appreciate that, but I don't think it is going to work out. I think this marriage has been dead for a long time and I just wasn't ready to admit it. I think that my husband isn't ready to admit yet either. I got tired first. I got tired of pretending that things were going to be ok, when it was so obvious that they weren't going to be ok or work out. I think my husband and I just grew apart and want different things in a relationship. I keep telling myself that is ok, but it really hurts. I don't think people really understand how much it hurts to love someone and know that you have to walk away from them. I do love my husband, but at some point I have to love myself more. I think I am at that point.
While I realize that a defeatist attitude is not the best way to enter therapy, I realized that my attitude toward this attempt at therapy to save my marriage is a defeatist attitude. It may not be fair to my husband, but I entered therapy already believing that my marriage was over and that my husband would not do his part of any therapy. Why would I already believe that we are going to fail? Because history has a way of repeating itself. Why should I believe for one single minute that my husband is going to actually follow through and do his part in any therapy that we have? He does not follow through on about 98% of the things he claims he is going to do. He is always telling how is he is going to do this or do that and then he never does anything. So why would I believe that he would do what our therapist tells him to do?
How can a marriage survive when one partner no longer believes, trusts or relies on the other? Ok, so he is the sole support of our family at this time, but I am trying to find a job. I started applying last week to anything that offers 40 hours a week. I realized that if I want to be on my own and have my son, I have to have a job of some kind. I was stupid to ever believe that I could count on a man. No offense to men, but most have proved to be unreliable and untrustworthy in my experience. My husband is apparently no exception. I thought he was, but turns out I was wrong.
He is always telling me that he loves me, but actions speak so much louder than words. His actions towards me tell me that he no longer even wants me in his life. He just doesn't get it. I need to FEEL loved, not be told. I need to FEEL wanted, not have him tell me that he wants me. I am just so lonely that I can literally feel the loneliness like fog around me. It is so thick that sometimes I feel like I cannot breathe.
So here we are at a cross roads. I want to separate and see how that goes, but he doesn't want to separate. Of course not. He always makes promises any time that I am actually about to walk out the door and every time I have listened to him and believed him and stayed. And each time I have been disappointed and left more lonely and unhappy than the time before. I agreed to discuss this with our therapist on Tuesday. I do not believe any of the promises that he is making. He is nothing more than a liar to me at this time. I do not believe anything he has to say to me about our marriage.
I know my friends are praying for me and hope that things work out. I appreciate that, but I don't think it is going to work out. I think this marriage has been dead for a long time and I just wasn't ready to admit it. I think that my husband isn't ready to admit yet either. I got tired first. I got tired of pretending that things were going to be ok, when it was so obvious that they weren't going to be ok or work out. I think my husband and I just grew apart and want different things in a relationship. I keep telling myself that is ok, but it really hurts. I don't think people really understand how much it hurts to love someone and know that you have to walk away from them. I do love my husband, but at some point I have to love myself more. I think I am at that point.