Another Fight...
but this time I think we actually "talked" to each other. I finally told my husband that I was growing to hate him. I explained to him, rather loudly, that he was turning into my father and that was making me hate him. I told him that I wanted a divorce or separation or something, because things had to change. I told him about a quote I got from troupatour. "If you want to make a new cake, you got to change the ingredients. If you keep using the same ingredients you're making the same cake." I told him that our cake was getting stale and I wanted something new. That meant that something had to change and that something was him. I think I may have finally gotten through to him. He cried. He admitted that he is afraid of the future and that he is depressed. He said that he loves me and wants me to be happy and that maybe I am right, I would be happier without him. The thing is, I do still love him, I just don't like the person he has become.
I told him that I was still in love with the man I married. I told him that the man I am married to, is not the man I married. I loved the man I married. I would have gone to hell and back for that man. I explained to him that I wanted to be happy with him again. I used to be so happy just to be with him. It didn't matter that we had no money. I didn't care that we were homeless and lived with my sister for two months. I didn't even care that we ate the exact same dinner every single night for an entire month because it was all we had. Granted, I have never eaten a ground chicken patty since, but that is beside the point. The point was that I didn't care about any of those things as long as we were together. I was happy. I told him that I wanted that again. I wanted to be excited about coming home and spending time with my husband, not dreading it. We both cried a lot. He kept saying that he just didn't understand how time got away from him. He had intended to call a therapist and set up therapy for us, it just never happened. He always thought to himself "I will do it tomorrow" but tomorrow never seemed to happen. He told me that he wants us to give it some more time, to really try to save our marriage. That he knows something is wrong with him. It was the first time that I can think of where he admitted that there is something wrong and that he needs help.
I told him that I will help him get the help he needs. I will help him find a doctor and I will go to therapy with him. I am willing to try one last time. I told him that our lease is up in May. I will give him until then to show some real improvement, but this is the last time. I cannot continue to live like this. I told him that as much as I love him, I cannot love him enough for the both of us. I cannot love him enough to fulfill my needs. I need him to be the man I married or I need to move on with my life. I told him that I want to end things while I still love him rather than wait until I hate him. I told him that my mental health is at stake. I am frustrated to the point that I get headaches more often than not. I am stressed out to the point that my stomach hurts all the time. I am unhappy to the point that I desperately want to be with him and at the same time I do not want to spend time with him. I told him that I think I am going crazy and that I cannot live like this. I was brutally honest with him.
I know it hurt him and it hurt me to say these things to one another, but for once I think we really got some things out into the open. I want to be optimistic about things but I am scared too. I don't want to be disappointed yet again. I know that part of me wants to believe that he is sincere and really wants to fix things. The other part of me thinks that this is just another ploy to keep me here and that in the end we will be having this argument again in three months.
I am going to start therapy with my church. I need the help and I need the "God" approach to it. I also want to start going back to church. I miss the spiritual support that I get from my fellow sisters in Christ. I need that special peace that one gets from their faith. I need to have God in my life again. He gives me peace when nothing else does. I wish that my husband could understand that, but he doesn't. That is ok, because a person's walk with God is personal. I just hope that my husband really does work on himself and on saving our marriage. I am going to spend the next three months preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I have had so many disappointment with my husband that I just have to protect myself. I cannot blindly spend the next three months believing 100% that things are going to get better. I have to set plans in motion to protect myself and my son.
I told him that I was still in love with the man I married. I told him that the man I am married to, is not the man I married. I loved the man I married. I would have gone to hell and back for that man. I explained to him that I wanted to be happy with him again. I used to be so happy just to be with him. It didn't matter that we had no money. I didn't care that we were homeless and lived with my sister for two months. I didn't even care that we ate the exact same dinner every single night for an entire month because it was all we had. Granted, I have never eaten a ground chicken patty since, but that is beside the point. The point was that I didn't care about any of those things as long as we were together. I was happy. I told him that I wanted that again. I wanted to be excited about coming home and spending time with my husband, not dreading it. We both cried a lot. He kept saying that he just didn't understand how time got away from him. He had intended to call a therapist and set up therapy for us, it just never happened. He always thought to himself "I will do it tomorrow" but tomorrow never seemed to happen. He told me that he wants us to give it some more time, to really try to save our marriage. That he knows something is wrong with him. It was the first time that I can think of where he admitted that there is something wrong and that he needs help.
I told him that I will help him get the help he needs. I will help him find a doctor and I will go to therapy with him. I am willing to try one last time. I told him that our lease is up in May. I will give him until then to show some real improvement, but this is the last time. I cannot continue to live like this. I told him that as much as I love him, I cannot love him enough for the both of us. I cannot love him enough to fulfill my needs. I need him to be the man I married or I need to move on with my life. I told him that I want to end things while I still love him rather than wait until I hate him. I told him that my mental health is at stake. I am frustrated to the point that I get headaches more often than not. I am stressed out to the point that my stomach hurts all the time. I am unhappy to the point that I desperately want to be with him and at the same time I do not want to spend time with him. I told him that I think I am going crazy and that I cannot live like this. I was brutally honest with him.
I know it hurt him and it hurt me to say these things to one another, but for once I think we really got some things out into the open. I want to be optimistic about things but I am scared too. I don't want to be disappointed yet again. I know that part of me wants to believe that he is sincere and really wants to fix things. The other part of me thinks that this is just another ploy to keep me here and that in the end we will be having this argument again in three months.
I am going to start therapy with my church. I need the help and I need the "God" approach to it. I also want to start going back to church. I miss the spiritual support that I get from my fellow sisters in Christ. I need that special peace that one gets from their faith. I need to have God in my life again. He gives me peace when nothing else does. I wish that my husband could understand that, but he doesn't. That is ok, because a person's walk with God is personal. I just hope that my husband really does work on himself and on saving our marriage. I am going to spend the next three months preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I have had so many disappointment with my husband that I just have to protect myself. I cannot blindly spend the next three months believing 100% that things are going to get better. I have to set plans in motion to protect myself and my son.