[One-Shot] Soldier - Epilogue
Title: Soldier
Pairing: JunDa (Main Pairing), Kazuko / Koki (Side Pairing), Kazuko / Nakamaru (Several mentions; One-sided)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU; This fiction doesn’t follow any historical timeline / Romance & Angst
Summary: When war rages, it is the civilians who suffer.
Warning: Un-beta-ed; my atrocious grammar reveals itself. I don't want to spoiler the story unnecessarily, but it's angst for a reason.
Disclaimer: I don’t own anybody.
Author’s Note: Here is the epilogue that I’ve promised. Hopefully, it provides a suitable closure. Sorry that it took longer than expected :<
Side Notes: I would also like to add that this fict is dedicated to my sister who is a closet JunDa fan (come on, just admit it already!).
Originally posted here.
Soldier: Epilogue
I stop in my tracks; afraid to walk on
Will this help prevent the tragedy from unfolding?
The letter of departure which you have penned
Why am I unable to reject it?
We didn't cherish the times we had together
Now I start to harbour unrealistic dreams
Hoping that you'll look back at me again
The scent of Magnolia flowers is unable to numb the pain
Ueda huddled closer to his shawl as the chilly winds hit him. This year was no different from the last; the winter was deathly cold. From where he was sitting at, he could sniff the faint smell of burning cinder. Evening had arrived, and Ueda was hesitant to conclude that it was yet another day without Taguchi.
It had been many years since Taguchi’s departure, and Ueda wondered how time just passed so swiftly and silently. Ueda pondered at the mystery as to how he could still remember the memories they once shared together vividly. Just how deeply were they etched in his heart?
Sighing, Ueda lamented to himself how the freezing season weren't doing his hollow and empty heart a favour. It just made him yearn and crave for the warmth he once felt in Taguchi's embrace badly...
***
Four years ago…
After the men left, Kazuko had moved in with Ueda for fear of loneliness. When Ueda finally confessed he wasn’t a lady and it might not be convenient, Kazuko didn’t sound a least bit shock. In fact, she took it pretty easily. She said that Koki could always tell ‘a real woman from a fake one’, and that she knew all along.
It was difficult seeing how a strong iron lady like Kazuko slowly crumbled with each passing day. She cried herself to sleep every night, and fell sick within a week after Koki had left. Kazuko had given Ueda so much - hope, acceptance, and kindness. As a man, Ueda decided to provide his shoulder for her to lean on. It might not feel as nice as Koki's, but at least it provided some form of comfort. Even if his heart hurt terribly, he knew he had to hang on and put on a strong front. Ueda knew that continuing on bravely with life would have been Taguchi’s wish as well, if Taguchi had ever bothered to voice it out.
Food resources dwindled at an all time low without the men out at the fields, and pesky children turned thieves were always on the prowl. It was dangerous for Ueda to wander out and fetch medicine or forage for food, for he made a good target for those little rats. He could neither retaliate nor run quickly enough. For the first time after Taguchi left, Ueda really despised himself for being disabled.
They survived on sweet potatoes and some grains Taguchi had previously stored in case of emergency. To Ueda, Kazuko was now his family, and her health came before his own. Leaving most of the food for Kazuko in hopes of her speedy recovery, Ueda finally understood how Taguchi felt. How the times of war had truly changed him; Ueda didn’t remember being so selfless.
Holding Kazuko's hands as she rested on the bed, Ueda could feel the bones jutting out from her skin. He was indeed a failure as a brother, just like he was previously when his real sister was still alive. Sometimes, Ueda doubted the need for his existence; why did useless bums like him get to survive, while people who truly deserved to be alive get sent to war? Ueda let out a silent cry and choked back his tears when Kazuko requested feebly for some water. There were more things to be concerned other than self-pity.
How did you think I got you here? I certainly did not waste my time crying!
Ueda forced a smile when he recalled Taguchi's words, but quickly banished such thoughts. Ueda knew he ought to be careful when thinking of Taguchi; he couldn't afford to be an emotional wreck. Getting up to fetch some water, Ueda assured Kazuko that everything was going to be okay.
***
A week later, Kazuko recovered, seemingly putting everything behind her and focusing all her attention on gathering food (Kazuko exclaimed she was mortified at what Ueda was surviving on and how skinny he had became). She seemed a little too overzealous of her new found goal. There wasn't something quite right about Kazuko after her recovery.
I guess everyone has their own way of numbing their pain…
With Kazuko around, there was slightly more food to go around. She was an expert when it came to wild plants, fruits, and fungi, easily picking out the edible ones from the inedible ones.
"Koki and I used to explore the wilderness together… You see, we were orphans who grew up together."
Ueda gave Kazuko an awkward hug. He knew where this conversation will go.
"I understand what you’re thinking; he'll come back."
"I remember how he said he’ll never leave me alone again,” Kazuko started sobbing uncontrollably out of the blue. “Why do I feel like I’ve been abandoned?”
So Kazuko was only trying to hold on bravely as I’ve expected.
"You're not on your own…" Ueda comforted her, as he fought with his own emotions of losing his family, and Taguchi. “I’m around.”
“Don’t you ever miss Taguchi?” Kazuko whimpered. “I really tried overcoming the fact that Koki has left for war… I really did my best, but I just couldn’t hold back my emotions…”
“I do miss him,” Ueda could feel tears welling up in his eyes. “I don’t even have something to remember him by, except for the words he once said to me. But having those short memories we shared is better than having none at all. I’ll think fondly of him every night, awaiting his return. Till then, I will continue moving forward towards that fated day when we will meet again. I wouldn’t fall apart; I want to be there to welcome him with open arms when he comes home.”
“You’re oddly tough…”
“I am a man,” Ueda laughed bitterly. “And I had experienced many things before. Keep the faith; there is always light at the end of the tunnel.”
Ueda thought of the chortle Taguchi always gave in the face of any difficult situations, and tried his best to imitate it. Kazuko gave a tiny giggle in response.
***
There were times when Ueda wondered if he could have made a difference if he had attempted to stop Taguchi from leaving that night.
It would just make everything a lot more painful. Nothing would have changed.
***
In a blink of an eye, it had been three months since the men left the town. Shortly after their departure, a man known as General Nakamaru moved into the town to maintain peace and order. When they heard that he came from the opposing warring state, the women of the town knew that there was going to be a change of power in the country soon.
Initially, the women attempted to rebel against the new general, but Kazuko managed to dissuade them.
“Think about your children! If the rebellion fails, what would happen to your children?”
It took many more words before the women were convinced that it would be futile to fight against a general.
“Kazuko, you were great,” Ueda praised Kazuko when they returned back home after addressing the crowd. “You prevented the women from doing anything silly. Hopefully the general wouldn’t catch wind of such an event and spare everyone.”
“I wished I could think and say the same for myself,” Kazuko muttered as she collapsed onto the ground. “At least they had children with their husbands… Koki and I were married for two years, yet…”
“You can have five if you want when he returns,” Ueda comforted.
“If he returns…” Kazuko sighed. “If he returns…”
Ueda wondered if time could truly heal all wounds.
If it could, why hasn’t the ache in my heart yet to subside?
***
On a stormy night, Ueda and Kazuko were hurrying back to their residences (they work in the fields after Boss Tackey left; Kazuko sort out the different farm produces while Ueda watered the crops. Ueda didn’t find memorising the fields easy at all) when somebody offered them an umbrella.
“It’s late, you shouldn’t be out on the streets,” a soothing voice greeted them.
“We work in the fields,” Ueda replied as he thanked the stranger for his kind offer. “It’s a long way back here, especially with a bad leg.”
Ueda noticed something was wrong when Kazuko went onto her knees.
“Ueda, down!” Kazuko tugged on his yukata. Ueda did as he was told to.
“General Nakamaru, please forgive my friend’s rudeness,” Kazuko sounded frantic. “She’s blind and she didn’t notice your presence! Please forgive her and let us go!”
“Disperse with the formalities,” the general answered. “I wouldn’t hold it against you or your friend. You don’t have to remain on your knees.”
When neither of them budged, the general tried again.
“It’s really fine… I’m just making rounds and observing the town to see if there can be any improvements which can prevent water logging on such a stormy night. I would also like to thank you for preventing a fruitless rebellion from taking place.”
“Really?” Kazuko asked, sounding both sceptical and terrified. “You knew the women were going to rebel? Why didn’t you take action and punish us all?”
“It’ll be useless and cause much unhappiness. As long as they no longer harbour such a thought, I see no need to pursue the matter. You were very brave to speak up.”
Ueda heard Kazuko take in a deep breath sharply. He knew that Kazuko must be scared stiff by the general’s remarks.
“Erm, how long do you intend to kneel in the rain? It’s bad for the knees… Just take the umbrella and go.”
“But we shouldn’t be taking advantage of your kindness. Your men need the spare umbrella.”
“Just take it,” Nakamaru sighed. “I really mean no harm. And we have sufficient umbrellas.”
Ueda had no idea why, but his gut feeling told him that the meeting with the general wasn’t a mere coincidence. Seeing how the general spoke with admiration when addressing to Kazuko, Ueda knew there must be something more.
From that day onwards, it was suspicious how both Kazuko and Ueda managed to land a job at General Nakamaru’s mansion as a maid and a laundry lady respectively. Ueda always wondered if General Nakamaru was charmed by Kazuko’s personality at first sight when she persuaded the women against the rebellion (the general or his men must have been around; they seemed well-informed).
The general’s crush on Kazuko made Ueda contemplate over the reasons how Taguchi could have possibly fell for him. Since Taguchi had stressed that it wasn’t out of guilt or pity, Ueda had thought hard of his other possible attractive charms, but came to a conclusion there was none. He wasn’t extremely gutsy, brave, or optimistic. In fact, he was whiny, dependent, and weak.
I must ask him for a definite answer when he returns.
***
Ueda awoke in the middle of the night drenched in sweat; he had an ominous dream of Taguchi bidding him an eternal farewell. He recalled how he could hear the haunting chimes of bells vaguely. The darkness that surrounded him in reality didn’t help a least bit to calm his throbbing heart.
Hobbling his way out of the house, the silence that greeted him convinced Ueda that it was nothing but a nightmare. Taguchi wasn’t around.
Ueda prayed that dreams weren’t a reflection of reality.
***
Many more months flew by. Ueda had lost count.
Thankfully, General Nakamaru wasn’t an obnoxious leader. The citizens realized that he left the townsfolk largely alone, restarted much business (previously owned by the men), and ensured there was sufficient jobs and food to go around. He wasn’t a tyrant, and was an impartial judge whenever the citizens had a clash with the soldiers.
By then, it was also obvious to everyone that General Nakamaru had definitely taken a liking for Kazuko. A general does not drop by his servant’s house and inquire about her wellbeing, and a general certainly does not go around asking her friends’ about her preferences and liking. A general also does not ban his men from speaking ill of a mere servant girl.
When Ueda told Kazuko about it, Kazuko merely snorted and vowed she’ll never go with anyone whose state had robbed Koki and her happiness away.
Ueda deliberated on Kazuko's declaration; did she truly mean what she said? Was her heart still waiting for Koki's return, or was it because she couldn't fathom the thought of marrying a general she could possibly lose in another battle? Ueda thought it was the latter; Kazuko has changed after the war. It was as though her heart has shattered into pieces and nothing could mend it back whole again. Even if she did have feelings for Nakamaru, Ueda was certain she would just withhold them and keep to herself. Kazuko feared loneliness, and going through a second heartbreak should be the last thing on her mind.
***
Nasty rumours had been floating around town on how Kazuko was just a vixen out to seduce the general. Although the general put a hasty stop to all the gossips, Ueda knew the damage was done when he found Kazuko crying herself to sleep again, begging for Koki's return.
So I was wrong about Kazuko having feelings for the general… Ueda reprimanded himself. She hasn’t forgotten, and neither have I.
***
Some time passed again, and according to Kazuko, it had been four years since the men of the town had left for war. The children had all grown up, and many have taken their father’s position.
It had also been four years since General Nakamaru had started governing the town. The town began to flourish and many travellers started settling in. There were rumours that the other towns and cities were being oppressed, but Ueda certainly did not feel that way under Nakamaru’s ruling.
It had also been four years since the general had actively tried to woo Kazuko, and failed. He had never stopped trying even when his soldiers had advised him to give up and move on, stating that there were ‘plenty of fishes in the sea’.
It had also been four years since the war had been lost; General Nakamaru’s state had been victorious. There were vast changes within the nation. The new governing body used the prisoners of war to build a large number of infrastructures for the nation and Ueda wondered if Taguchi were among the builders. If Taguchi finished constructing what he was forced to, will he be able to return? However, Kazuko labelled his thinking as juvenile; Ueda reckoned she had already accepted the harsh reality that the men were never coming back.
***
In the span of four years, there were occasions when Ueda would make his way to the nearby river. It was a place where Taguchi loved to bring him to enjoy the cool evening breeze. Walking along the river, he would reminisce about the past; the wonderful times they have shared, holding hands together as they sat by the river.
At the portion of the river where the flow was intense, Ueda would stop and stand by the edge. He dwelled on the possibility of meeting Taguchi if he took a step forward. Whenever he tried, Kazuko would always rush out from nowhere and stop him.
“You’ve waited for him without fail every evening by the door step ever since he left. It has already been four years, so why don’t you wait a little more? Five could be a magical number. He might come back.”
Ueda knew they were lies; what are the chances that Taguchi were coming back? Ueda wasn’t stupid and he knew that it was impossible for Taguchi to return. Wars of prisoners were forced to work till they are rendered useless, wasn’t it? Ueda’s heart would break whenever he thought about it, and when he was sobbing on the floor, Kazuko would quickly bring him back home.
***
Sometimes, Ueda pondered if there was a potion that could make him forget about his past.
The memories made moving on difficult, for Ueda knew the times they spent were blissful, yet such moments were never going to happen again.
***
When winter approached again, it marked the start of the fifth year Ueda had lived without Taguchi. On one particular evening when Ueda was waiting by the door steps again, he questioned himself if he truly anticipated Taguchi’s return. Even if Taguchi came home, Ueda knew that war and long years of torture would break and change a person. Would the person stepping into the house again still be ‘Taguchi’?
Although all the time passed hadn’t made his love for Taguchi falter, despair had overshadowed the strong and optimistic feelings he once had. Ueda so badly wanted Taguchi to remain as the angel he once knew, that a selfish thought crossed his mind.
Maybe it would be for the best that he only lives on in my heart.
Ueda took a deep breath and shook his head. He shouldn’t be thinking that way.
Maybe Kazuko is right... Ueda tried to delude himself. Maybe Taguchi will return in the fifth year.
***
“Sitting here by the door again, Tatsuya?” Kazuko asked as she returned home from work. Ueda smiled and nodded.
“You shouldn’t be doing such things,” Kazuko continued. “Your condition would worsen! I’ll bring you to the doctor again tomorrow.”
Down with a bad cough that many doctors have failed to treat, Ueda wondered if he would last till spring. This was indeed one of the coldest winters he had ever experienced and it wasn’t doing his frail body any good.
Perhaps the fifth year is indeed magical. I can possibly be meeting Taguchi in heaven, or hell, instead.
“I’ll stay here for a little while more,” Ueda replied after much contemplation as he pulled the shawl closer to himself. “You encouraged me to anyway; you shouldn’t dissuade me now. I will always hold on blindly for his return…”
At least for as long as I can…
“That’s a lousy pun,” Kazuko laughed dryly. “Blindly indeed.”
“I used to be a lot more humorous before meeting him.”
Names were no longer mentioned for it only evoked sadness.
Ueda smiled wryly to himself as he continued leaning on the door frame, hoping to hear the once-familiar footsteps again.
I'm no longer looking at the sun rays
As they penetrate through the translucent rainbows
I'm no longer searching and finding
For we've already made a promise in Heaven
I'm no longer mourning over the stories you tell
Of fleeting lovers being torn apart
For I'm no longer able to bask in
The warmth of your embrace
~ The End ~
The Main Story
Other Notes: Song lyrics a rough translation of the Chinese song 三寸天堂 by 嚴藝丹 - my inspiration for writing this story (it was on loop all the time I was writing). If anyone can understand Chinese, please check it out cause the song is beautiful. Can I also conveniently blame the song for being the cause of writing this into a tragedy?
Author’s Note (again): I’m sorry that the ending isn’t what many of you had hoped for; so please feel free to stone me. I shall withdraw into hiding for now. I might still write angst in the future and continue to be hated, lol.
Before I enter reclusion, I would still like to thank everyone that read this till the end. Thank you!
Pairing: JunDa (Main Pairing), Kazuko / Koki (Side Pairing), Kazuko / Nakamaru (Several mentions; One-sided)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU; This fiction doesn’t follow any historical timeline / Romance & Angst
Summary: When war rages, it is the civilians who suffer.
Warning: Un-beta-ed; my atrocious grammar reveals itself. I don't want to spoiler the story unnecessarily, but it's angst for a reason.
Disclaimer: I don’t own anybody.
Author’s Note: Here is the epilogue that I’ve promised. Hopefully, it provides a suitable closure. Sorry that it took longer than expected :<
Side Notes: I would also like to add that this fict is dedicated to my sister who is a closet JunDa fan (come on, just admit it already!).
Originally posted here.
Soldier: Epilogue
I stop in my tracks; afraid to walk on
Will this help prevent the tragedy from unfolding?
The letter of departure which you have penned
Why am I unable to reject it?
We didn't cherish the times we had together
Now I start to harbour unrealistic dreams
Hoping that you'll look back at me again
The scent of Magnolia flowers is unable to numb the pain
Ueda huddled closer to his shawl as the chilly winds hit him. This year was no different from the last; the winter was deathly cold. From where he was sitting at, he could sniff the faint smell of burning cinder. Evening had arrived, and Ueda was hesitant to conclude that it was yet another day without Taguchi.
It had been many years since Taguchi’s departure, and Ueda wondered how time just passed so swiftly and silently. Ueda pondered at the mystery as to how he could still remember the memories they once shared together vividly. Just how deeply were they etched in his heart?
Sighing, Ueda lamented to himself how the freezing season weren't doing his hollow and empty heart a favour. It just made him yearn and crave for the warmth he once felt in Taguchi's embrace badly...
***
Four years ago…
After the men left, Kazuko had moved in with Ueda for fear of loneliness. When Ueda finally confessed he wasn’t a lady and it might not be convenient, Kazuko didn’t sound a least bit shock. In fact, she took it pretty easily. She said that Koki could always tell ‘a real woman from a fake one’, and that she knew all along.
It was difficult seeing how a strong iron lady like Kazuko slowly crumbled with each passing day. She cried herself to sleep every night, and fell sick within a week after Koki had left. Kazuko had given Ueda so much - hope, acceptance, and kindness. As a man, Ueda decided to provide his shoulder for her to lean on. It might not feel as nice as Koki's, but at least it provided some form of comfort. Even if his heart hurt terribly, he knew he had to hang on and put on a strong front. Ueda knew that continuing on bravely with life would have been Taguchi’s wish as well, if Taguchi had ever bothered to voice it out.
Food resources dwindled at an all time low without the men out at the fields, and pesky children turned thieves were always on the prowl. It was dangerous for Ueda to wander out and fetch medicine or forage for food, for he made a good target for those little rats. He could neither retaliate nor run quickly enough. For the first time after Taguchi left, Ueda really despised himself for being disabled.
They survived on sweet potatoes and some grains Taguchi had previously stored in case of emergency. To Ueda, Kazuko was now his family, and her health came before his own. Leaving most of the food for Kazuko in hopes of her speedy recovery, Ueda finally understood how Taguchi felt. How the times of war had truly changed him; Ueda didn’t remember being so selfless.
Holding Kazuko's hands as she rested on the bed, Ueda could feel the bones jutting out from her skin. He was indeed a failure as a brother, just like he was previously when his real sister was still alive. Sometimes, Ueda doubted the need for his existence; why did useless bums like him get to survive, while people who truly deserved to be alive get sent to war? Ueda let out a silent cry and choked back his tears when Kazuko requested feebly for some water. There were more things to be concerned other than self-pity.
How did you think I got you here? I certainly did not waste my time crying!
Ueda forced a smile when he recalled Taguchi's words, but quickly banished such thoughts. Ueda knew he ought to be careful when thinking of Taguchi; he couldn't afford to be an emotional wreck. Getting up to fetch some water, Ueda assured Kazuko that everything was going to be okay.
***
A week later, Kazuko recovered, seemingly putting everything behind her and focusing all her attention on gathering food (Kazuko exclaimed she was mortified at what Ueda was surviving on and how skinny he had became). She seemed a little too overzealous of her new found goal. There wasn't something quite right about Kazuko after her recovery.
I guess everyone has their own way of numbing their pain…
With Kazuko around, there was slightly more food to go around. She was an expert when it came to wild plants, fruits, and fungi, easily picking out the edible ones from the inedible ones.
"Koki and I used to explore the wilderness together… You see, we were orphans who grew up together."
Ueda gave Kazuko an awkward hug. He knew where this conversation will go.
"I understand what you’re thinking; he'll come back."
"I remember how he said he’ll never leave me alone again,” Kazuko started sobbing uncontrollably out of the blue. “Why do I feel like I’ve been abandoned?”
So Kazuko was only trying to hold on bravely as I’ve expected.
"You're not on your own…" Ueda comforted her, as he fought with his own emotions of losing his family, and Taguchi. “I’m around.”
“Don’t you ever miss Taguchi?” Kazuko whimpered. “I really tried overcoming the fact that Koki has left for war… I really did my best, but I just couldn’t hold back my emotions…”
“I do miss him,” Ueda could feel tears welling up in his eyes. “I don’t even have something to remember him by, except for the words he once said to me. But having those short memories we shared is better than having none at all. I’ll think fondly of him every night, awaiting his return. Till then, I will continue moving forward towards that fated day when we will meet again. I wouldn’t fall apart; I want to be there to welcome him with open arms when he comes home.”
“You’re oddly tough…”
“I am a man,” Ueda laughed bitterly. “And I had experienced many things before. Keep the faith; there is always light at the end of the tunnel.”
Ueda thought of the chortle Taguchi always gave in the face of any difficult situations, and tried his best to imitate it. Kazuko gave a tiny giggle in response.
***
There were times when Ueda wondered if he could have made a difference if he had attempted to stop Taguchi from leaving that night.
It would just make everything a lot more painful. Nothing would have changed.
***
In a blink of an eye, it had been three months since the men left the town. Shortly after their departure, a man known as General Nakamaru moved into the town to maintain peace and order. When they heard that he came from the opposing warring state, the women of the town knew that there was going to be a change of power in the country soon.
Initially, the women attempted to rebel against the new general, but Kazuko managed to dissuade them.
“Think about your children! If the rebellion fails, what would happen to your children?”
It took many more words before the women were convinced that it would be futile to fight against a general.
“Kazuko, you were great,” Ueda praised Kazuko when they returned back home after addressing the crowd. “You prevented the women from doing anything silly. Hopefully the general wouldn’t catch wind of such an event and spare everyone.”
“I wished I could think and say the same for myself,” Kazuko muttered as she collapsed onto the ground. “At least they had children with their husbands… Koki and I were married for two years, yet…”
“You can have five if you want when he returns,” Ueda comforted.
“If he returns…” Kazuko sighed. “If he returns…”
Ueda wondered if time could truly heal all wounds.
If it could, why hasn’t the ache in my heart yet to subside?
***
On a stormy night, Ueda and Kazuko were hurrying back to their residences (they work in the fields after Boss Tackey left; Kazuko sort out the different farm produces while Ueda watered the crops. Ueda didn’t find memorising the fields easy at all) when somebody offered them an umbrella.
“It’s late, you shouldn’t be out on the streets,” a soothing voice greeted them.
“We work in the fields,” Ueda replied as he thanked the stranger for his kind offer. “It’s a long way back here, especially with a bad leg.”
Ueda noticed something was wrong when Kazuko went onto her knees.
“Ueda, down!” Kazuko tugged on his yukata. Ueda did as he was told to.
“General Nakamaru, please forgive my friend’s rudeness,” Kazuko sounded frantic. “She’s blind and she didn’t notice your presence! Please forgive her and let us go!”
“Disperse with the formalities,” the general answered. “I wouldn’t hold it against you or your friend. You don’t have to remain on your knees.”
When neither of them budged, the general tried again.
“It’s really fine… I’m just making rounds and observing the town to see if there can be any improvements which can prevent water logging on such a stormy night. I would also like to thank you for preventing a fruitless rebellion from taking place.”
“Really?” Kazuko asked, sounding both sceptical and terrified. “You knew the women were going to rebel? Why didn’t you take action and punish us all?”
“It’ll be useless and cause much unhappiness. As long as they no longer harbour such a thought, I see no need to pursue the matter. You were very brave to speak up.”
Ueda heard Kazuko take in a deep breath sharply. He knew that Kazuko must be scared stiff by the general’s remarks.
“Erm, how long do you intend to kneel in the rain? It’s bad for the knees… Just take the umbrella and go.”
“But we shouldn’t be taking advantage of your kindness. Your men need the spare umbrella.”
“Just take it,” Nakamaru sighed. “I really mean no harm. And we have sufficient umbrellas.”
Ueda had no idea why, but his gut feeling told him that the meeting with the general wasn’t a mere coincidence. Seeing how the general spoke with admiration when addressing to Kazuko, Ueda knew there must be something more.
From that day onwards, it was suspicious how both Kazuko and Ueda managed to land a job at General Nakamaru’s mansion as a maid and a laundry lady respectively. Ueda always wondered if General Nakamaru was charmed by Kazuko’s personality at first sight when she persuaded the women against the rebellion (the general or his men must have been around; they seemed well-informed).
The general’s crush on Kazuko made Ueda contemplate over the reasons how Taguchi could have possibly fell for him. Since Taguchi had stressed that it wasn’t out of guilt or pity, Ueda had thought hard of his other possible attractive charms, but came to a conclusion there was none. He wasn’t extremely gutsy, brave, or optimistic. In fact, he was whiny, dependent, and weak.
I must ask him for a definite answer when he returns.
***
Ueda awoke in the middle of the night drenched in sweat; he had an ominous dream of Taguchi bidding him an eternal farewell. He recalled how he could hear the haunting chimes of bells vaguely. The darkness that surrounded him in reality didn’t help a least bit to calm his throbbing heart.
Hobbling his way out of the house, the silence that greeted him convinced Ueda that it was nothing but a nightmare. Taguchi wasn’t around.
Ueda prayed that dreams weren’t a reflection of reality.
***
Many more months flew by. Ueda had lost count.
Thankfully, General Nakamaru wasn’t an obnoxious leader. The citizens realized that he left the townsfolk largely alone, restarted much business (previously owned by the men), and ensured there was sufficient jobs and food to go around. He wasn’t a tyrant, and was an impartial judge whenever the citizens had a clash with the soldiers.
By then, it was also obvious to everyone that General Nakamaru had definitely taken a liking for Kazuko. A general does not drop by his servant’s house and inquire about her wellbeing, and a general certainly does not go around asking her friends’ about her preferences and liking. A general also does not ban his men from speaking ill of a mere servant girl.
When Ueda told Kazuko about it, Kazuko merely snorted and vowed she’ll never go with anyone whose state had robbed Koki and her happiness away.
Ueda deliberated on Kazuko's declaration; did she truly mean what she said? Was her heart still waiting for Koki's return, or was it because she couldn't fathom the thought of marrying a general she could possibly lose in another battle? Ueda thought it was the latter; Kazuko has changed after the war. It was as though her heart has shattered into pieces and nothing could mend it back whole again. Even if she did have feelings for Nakamaru, Ueda was certain she would just withhold them and keep to herself. Kazuko feared loneliness, and going through a second heartbreak should be the last thing on her mind.
***
Nasty rumours had been floating around town on how Kazuko was just a vixen out to seduce the general. Although the general put a hasty stop to all the gossips, Ueda knew the damage was done when he found Kazuko crying herself to sleep again, begging for Koki's return.
So I was wrong about Kazuko having feelings for the general… Ueda reprimanded himself. She hasn’t forgotten, and neither have I.
***
Some time passed again, and according to Kazuko, it had been four years since the men of the town had left for war. The children had all grown up, and many have taken their father’s position.
It had also been four years since General Nakamaru had started governing the town. The town began to flourish and many travellers started settling in. There were rumours that the other towns and cities were being oppressed, but Ueda certainly did not feel that way under Nakamaru’s ruling.
It had also been four years since the general had actively tried to woo Kazuko, and failed. He had never stopped trying even when his soldiers had advised him to give up and move on, stating that there were ‘plenty of fishes in the sea’.
It had also been four years since the war had been lost; General Nakamaru’s state had been victorious. There were vast changes within the nation. The new governing body used the prisoners of war to build a large number of infrastructures for the nation and Ueda wondered if Taguchi were among the builders. If Taguchi finished constructing what he was forced to, will he be able to return? However, Kazuko labelled his thinking as juvenile; Ueda reckoned she had already accepted the harsh reality that the men were never coming back.
***
In the span of four years, there were occasions when Ueda would make his way to the nearby river. It was a place where Taguchi loved to bring him to enjoy the cool evening breeze. Walking along the river, he would reminisce about the past; the wonderful times they have shared, holding hands together as they sat by the river.
At the portion of the river where the flow was intense, Ueda would stop and stand by the edge. He dwelled on the possibility of meeting Taguchi if he took a step forward. Whenever he tried, Kazuko would always rush out from nowhere and stop him.
“You’ve waited for him without fail every evening by the door step ever since he left. It has already been four years, so why don’t you wait a little more? Five could be a magical number. He might come back.”
Ueda knew they were lies; what are the chances that Taguchi were coming back? Ueda wasn’t stupid and he knew that it was impossible for Taguchi to return. Wars of prisoners were forced to work till they are rendered useless, wasn’t it? Ueda’s heart would break whenever he thought about it, and when he was sobbing on the floor, Kazuko would quickly bring him back home.
***
Sometimes, Ueda pondered if there was a potion that could make him forget about his past.
The memories made moving on difficult, for Ueda knew the times they spent were blissful, yet such moments were never going to happen again.
***
When winter approached again, it marked the start of the fifth year Ueda had lived without Taguchi. On one particular evening when Ueda was waiting by the door steps again, he questioned himself if he truly anticipated Taguchi’s return. Even if Taguchi came home, Ueda knew that war and long years of torture would break and change a person. Would the person stepping into the house again still be ‘Taguchi’?
Although all the time passed hadn’t made his love for Taguchi falter, despair had overshadowed the strong and optimistic feelings he once had. Ueda so badly wanted Taguchi to remain as the angel he once knew, that a selfish thought crossed his mind.
Maybe it would be for the best that he only lives on in my heart.
Ueda took a deep breath and shook his head. He shouldn’t be thinking that way.
Maybe Kazuko is right... Ueda tried to delude himself. Maybe Taguchi will return in the fifth year.
***
“Sitting here by the door again, Tatsuya?” Kazuko asked as she returned home from work. Ueda smiled and nodded.
“You shouldn’t be doing such things,” Kazuko continued. “Your condition would worsen! I’ll bring you to the doctor again tomorrow.”
Down with a bad cough that many doctors have failed to treat, Ueda wondered if he would last till spring. This was indeed one of the coldest winters he had ever experienced and it wasn’t doing his frail body any good.
Perhaps the fifth year is indeed magical. I can possibly be meeting Taguchi in heaven, or hell, instead.
“I’ll stay here for a little while more,” Ueda replied after much contemplation as he pulled the shawl closer to himself. “You encouraged me to anyway; you shouldn’t dissuade me now. I will always hold on blindly for his return…”
At least for as long as I can…
“That’s a lousy pun,” Kazuko laughed dryly. “Blindly indeed.”
“I used to be a lot more humorous before meeting him.”
Names were no longer mentioned for it only evoked sadness.
Ueda smiled wryly to himself as he continued leaning on the door frame, hoping to hear the once-familiar footsteps again.
I'm no longer looking at the sun rays
As they penetrate through the translucent rainbows
I'm no longer searching and finding
For we've already made a promise in Heaven
I'm no longer mourning over the stories you tell
Of fleeting lovers being torn apart
For I'm no longer able to bask in
The warmth of your embrace
~ The End ~
The Main Story
Other Notes: Song lyrics a rough translation of the Chinese song 三寸天堂 by 嚴藝丹 - my inspiration for writing this story (it was on loop all the time I was writing). If anyone can understand Chinese, please check it out cause the song is beautiful. Can I also conveniently blame the song for being the cause of writing this into a tragedy?
Author’s Note (again): I’m sorry that the ending isn’t what many of you had hoped for; so please feel free to stone me. I shall withdraw into hiding for now. I might still write angst in the future and continue to be hated, lol.
Before I enter reclusion, I would still like to thank everyone that read this till the end. Thank you!