From the Diary of Elizabeth Jackson - Date __________________
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Yesterday was odd ... but not in a bad way. It was actually one of those things I had to tell my best friend about before I could even write it down.
There is a woman who works with the veterans group that comes to the stables. She's my age and has been working with horses and vets for most of her professional career. She's tall. A brunette. More androgynous than I prefer my women, but she's still got this sense of lovely to her. She asked me out a couple of months ago, right after I broke up with Adam. Yesterday, she did it again and our conversation lasted for almost an hour and ended with her kissing me. I can't say it was a terrible thing. I just wish it was something I was ready for.
It isn't like I worry about any kind of betrayal of Jenny. In fact, I was very open about my relationship status yesterday (leaving out a few details like who my lover is) and Susan understood. She isn't looking for anything serious and she said it is clear that I am in love with someone. But if there can be openness in our relationship, she said she's willing to work with that. I just wish it was something I was ready for.
No, it isn't Jenny. Honestly, it's Adam. It's ... being wrapped up in reality right now. My one who got away was actually one who should have stayed away. We're good friends. We aren't meant to be lovers. Well, not committed to each other lovers. He needs someone who will care for him, who will be the good little wife. He loves independence, loves smart, loves idealistic. He doesn't love people like me. He loves to be in love with the ideas of people like me and I just wish it hadn't taken all of this to make us realize it. As for Jenny, she would never expect me to be solely devoted to her. If things were different with us, then, this conversation would be moot. This entry would be moot. Hell, all of my rantings at the world would be moot. But Jenny and I aren't that right now. Whatever we are, we are. But I can't open my heart, or my legs, right now. I am still rebuilding me.
But it felt nice to be wanted like that, in the moment. I can't deny that.
Yesterday was odd ... but not in a bad way. It was actually one of those things I had to tell my best friend about before I could even write it down.
There is a woman who works with the veterans group that comes to the stables. She's my age and has been working with horses and vets for most of her professional career. She's tall. A brunette. More androgynous than I prefer my women, but she's still got this sense of lovely to her. She asked me out a couple of months ago, right after I broke up with Adam. Yesterday, she did it again and our conversation lasted for almost an hour and ended with her kissing me. I can't say it was a terrible thing. I just wish it was something I was ready for.
It isn't like I worry about any kind of betrayal of Jenny. In fact, I was very open about my relationship status yesterday (leaving out a few details like who my lover is) and Susan understood. She isn't looking for anything serious and she said it is clear that I am in love with someone. But if there can be openness in our relationship, she said she's willing to work with that. I just wish it was something I was ready for.
No, it isn't Jenny. Honestly, it's Adam. It's ... being wrapped up in reality right now. My one who got away was actually one who should have stayed away. We're good friends. We aren't meant to be lovers. Well, not committed to each other lovers. He needs someone who will care for him, who will be the good little wife. He loves independence, loves smart, loves idealistic. He doesn't love people like me. He loves to be in love with the ideas of people like me and I just wish it hadn't taken all of this to make us realize it. As for Jenny, she would never expect me to be solely devoted to her. If things were different with us, then, this conversation would be moot. This entry would be moot. Hell, all of my rantings at the world would be moot. But Jenny and I aren't that right now. Whatever we are, we are. But I can't open my heart, or my legs, right now. I am still rebuilding me.
But it felt nice to be wanted like that, in the moment. I can't deny that.