From the Diary of Elizabeth Jackson - Date __________________
______________________
And so the days come together.
I don't know where I am right now - emotionally or physically. So I'll start with the physically.
I've put on a stable pound since coming back from DC. It isn't water weight or the natural changes, but a stable pound. So, I'm at 104. Which is better than 103. I had another bone density test that came back better than the last one, which is good. My white blood cell count is still elevated, but my doctor says the tests are irrelevant until my wrist heals. The tremors are visibly down though, which is good. My writing is almost legible.
Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I've acknowledged this. Between Adam's idiocy and Jen ... I'm a wreck. Adam is Adam and I can't do anything about him, but I also don't have to submit to being his bond girl anymore. It's a cliche, but it's how I feel. As for Jenny, I'm not going anywhere but I think I need to take a small step back. Just a little. Mostly because the more I think about how Jethro is reacting to this, the more it bothers me. It doesn't feel like his ultimatums have changed and because of that, I'm assuming I understand what he's thinking. I don't. I don't have a damned clue. So I have to back off because all I want to do is say I love you in every language I know and in the same breath, tell him to fuck off. That? Is not productive. I've made my choice and that includes dealing with Jethro's feelings. So I need to take a breath and remind myself that I'm the secondary one and also the best friend. By letting myself get sucked into the drama that seems to exist only in my head (because Jenny is going to make it work for herself no matter what), I turn into something I don't want.
So, I'm here. Wishing things were different, but only in a way that says how much peace I crave. As hard as it was for me to move forward from my own life, I've found peace. Hell, the more I think about it, the more I don't even want a funeral. I just want to fade away. Let who I was be remembered in memorials. Let who I am now be remembered in what I leave behind.
And so the days come together.
I don't know where I am right now - emotionally or physically. So I'll start with the physically.
I've put on a stable pound since coming back from DC. It isn't water weight or the natural changes, but a stable pound. So, I'm at 104. Which is better than 103. I had another bone density test that came back better than the last one, which is good. My white blood cell count is still elevated, but my doctor says the tests are irrelevant until my wrist heals. The tremors are visibly down though, which is good. My writing is almost legible.
Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I've acknowledged this. Between Adam's idiocy and Jen ... I'm a wreck. Adam is Adam and I can't do anything about him, but I also don't have to submit to being his bond girl anymore. It's a cliche, but it's how I feel. As for Jenny, I'm not going anywhere but I think I need to take a small step back. Just a little. Mostly because the more I think about how Jethro is reacting to this, the more it bothers me. It doesn't feel like his ultimatums have changed and because of that, I'm assuming I understand what he's thinking. I don't. I don't have a damned clue. So I have to back off because all I want to do is say I love you in every language I know and in the same breath, tell him to fuck off. That? Is not productive. I've made my choice and that includes dealing with Jethro's feelings. So I need to take a breath and remind myself that I'm the secondary one and also the best friend. By letting myself get sucked into the drama that seems to exist only in my head (because Jenny is going to make it work for herself no matter what), I turn into something I don't want.
So, I'm here. Wishing things were different, but only in a way that says how much peace I crave. As hard as it was for me to move forward from my own life, I've found peace. Hell, the more I think about it, the more I don't even want a funeral. I just want to fade away. Let who I was be remembered in memorials. Let who I am now be remembered in what I leave behind.