From the Diary of Elizabeth Jackson Date: _____________
_________________________
Better today ...
Oh I was angry last night. I re-read my words when I woke up and I can barely remember my thoughts, though I know they are mine. The fight with Adam prompted so many emotions, he poked and prodded (like he always does) and I ... it's been a long time since I felt such rage. This is why I have this journal. I cannot imagine taking it out on the people I love. And I would have. God I would have.
But this morning under cloudy spring skies, I am better. The anger at Adam still lingers, but not in the blinding rage from last night. I'm upset, but can face it.
Last night was all about being lonely within being alone, about recognizing something I hated to recognize. How they love me, but it would be so much better if I fit into their lives. I do not. And so Jenny makes what concessions she can and Adam will, eventually. The ironic thing is that if I lived in DC, I'd have never met Jenny and Adam and I would have probably torn each other to pieces. I am not angry. At time frustrated.
So yes, the rage is gone.
I am up earlier than planned, but it is not for lack of trying to sleep. Something woke me around 6, and then around 7:30, and so I gave in and rose to make coffee. There was no brilliant sunrise to welcome the day, there are low hanging clouds that seem to fit my lingering mood. But it is still a beautiful morning.
I am keeping the horses penned until the chill falls from the sky. Some of the seedlings the kids potted are sprouting. I cannot complain about my world, a world that, amusingly enough in my ranting last night, I kept talking about my life and how I love it. At least I am content in it.
But my house is quiet this morning. John is settling into his home on the property and the dogs are as calm as the skies. This is when I love things the most, when it is quiet and I can relax into that and think.
I write this mostly because after reading last night's lashing out, I needed an addendum, something to counteract the anger and lashing out at the people I care most for. There are reasons that they will never read these words.
Better today ...
Oh I was angry last night. I re-read my words when I woke up and I can barely remember my thoughts, though I know they are mine. The fight with Adam prompted so many emotions, he poked and prodded (like he always does) and I ... it's been a long time since I felt such rage. This is why I have this journal. I cannot imagine taking it out on the people I love. And I would have. God I would have.
But this morning under cloudy spring skies, I am better. The anger at Adam still lingers, but not in the blinding rage from last night. I'm upset, but can face it.
Last night was all about being lonely within being alone, about recognizing something I hated to recognize. How they love me, but it would be so much better if I fit into their lives. I do not. And so Jenny makes what concessions she can and Adam will, eventually. The ironic thing is that if I lived in DC, I'd have never met Jenny and Adam and I would have probably torn each other to pieces. I am not angry. At time frustrated.
So yes, the rage is gone.
I am up earlier than planned, but it is not for lack of trying to sleep. Something woke me around 6, and then around 7:30, and so I gave in and rose to make coffee. There was no brilliant sunrise to welcome the day, there are low hanging clouds that seem to fit my lingering mood. But it is still a beautiful morning.
I am keeping the horses penned until the chill falls from the sky. Some of the seedlings the kids potted are sprouting. I cannot complain about my world, a world that, amusingly enough in my ranting last night, I kept talking about my life and how I love it. At least I am content in it.
But my house is quiet this morning. John is settling into his home on the property and the dogs are as calm as the skies. This is when I love things the most, when it is quiet and I can relax into that and think.
I write this mostly because after reading last night's lashing out, I needed an addendum, something to counteract the anger and lashing out at the people I care most for. There are reasons that they will never read these words.