(no subject)
i sometimes wish that the thoughts i believe and the things that i feel are able to be said in words the same way as i can express them on paper. but more often then not what it is i am feeling somewhere inbetween the collision of words issueing out of my mouth. and none of it makes sense, and none of it gives the affect of the seriousness, or the meaning behind what it all means to me. i so i sit in silence, without the ability to express myself through words, and i carry off in thought of how to grace the page in my mind. and i hear it and i feel it and once i start it all makes sense.
my pepe died the other night. at first thought, i could care less. he was that mean old man who yelled at me for not visiting when i was younger. he was the father of a mother i barely know and the father of a mother he nearly abandoned. but the thoughts of it couldnt leave my mind. and for days i couldnt understand why it was sorrow i was feeling. i knew that it would be coming, i knew it was only a matter of time. but to feel that way, i never expected. no one in my family has past away, and i figured that that feeling was occurring because of the sensation that i never experienced before was becoming a reality. but the more i wanted to believe that, the more it didnt fit in to place. because it wasnt the reaction that someone would have in that situation. what i was feeling wasn't about the death of a man i barely knew but about the offspring he produced, the mother that i hang up on ten times throughout the day. and what i felt, was abondonment towards her. the pity that i felt was for her. its not that i hate that side of my family. its that they remind me of her, of the piece of my life that i try to erase. its selfish, and i am selfish for trying to forget, for wanting to forget. i love her. i really do, but i can't help what it is i feel inside. a fear that is my future. a fear of realising who my mother is. a fear of seeing the things that scare me the most. that the person i love more than anyone is this way. a person i never knew. i will never know who she was, who this person is that my father married. i will never know the person who gave birth to me, my mother. she is a stranger. she hasn't been through anythign with me. the important mildstones in my life, because i was too embarassed, because i didnt let it. she missed out on the most important years of my life, the hardest times that i will ever have to deal with, the incidents that made me who i am. and its my fault, and so how am i suppose to be there. when she needs me the most. more than i realise. how am i suppose to change it all. becuase everything i live with now is regret. and no one will understand. and everyone may see me in my slefish ways, but the truth is i dont know how to deal with it, i have no idea where to begin. and i think about her, and i remember the past, before i knew there was something wrong, before there was something wrong. and the memories are so vague. there falling behind. and its hard to see the carefreeness of everythign that was before. but something has to change. i need to change, but i dont know how and i dont know where this feeling would go. who is my mother, well shes someone i will never know, and thats a feeling i will never get over.
my dad graduated today. the way i seen him. the way that i felt inside as i watched him describe it all to a room full of people. it was almost as if i was watchhing a movie of someone elses life unravelling and it was the core that i was being shown. it was a side of vulnerability, of realness that i never seen before, never knew exsisted. it was pure, it was happiness, it was the me seeing the change not only in him but in the poeple around him. and as he spoke, they where words of wisdom and love and life. they were delicate and beautiful and they were spoken through someone i thougth was long gone. it was truth. and it was love. and as i sat there, i never have been more proud of the man before me. i never felt the change to be real. that place did something to him that i never could. it gave him a second chance. it taught him what most people spend there lives looking to achieve. it taught him what life was, what embracing it was. how to let go and be open. to see life, see it through his own eyes and the eyes of others. see how good he has it, how much he has missed out on. it gave him hope, it gave him lifelong friends and memories. it made him appreciate it all, and it made him find out what emotion is. and i see the change. and i know how bad he wants it. and i know that he can do it. hes back, the man i forgot exsisted, the man i missed more than anythign in this world. that place not only gave him his life back, but it also gave it back to me.
the purpose of things. the way that it all fits together. sometimes is a scary thought. im moving on, and im growing up. by this time next month i should be out of this house and into an apartment in Tecumseh. by this time next month i will be driving my own car. by this time next month i will have saved almost two thousand dollars. by this time next month my life wil be different. everything will be different. and im scared and im excited, and i know that it may end up not all fitting together. but i have hope. things happen for a reason. just like today when out neighbour came to the door. said it was strange to ask, but if ever we felt like selling our house, her mother would buy it. its strange to think that that wasnt just a coincedence to the day my dad gets home. i hope it all works out. not for me, but for him. becuase he finally deserves it, deserves to knows that true happiness can be a constant.
the funerals on monday
and the showings tomorrow
im going to see my mom
and i dont know if i can handle it