(no subject)
my dreams lately are so.. real. like real nightmares, and it scares me. when people are dying and it feels real. and im in my dreams crying and screaming. and then i wake up and thank the lord it wasn't real. but then i get in this state and go.. hmmm dreams are suppose to mean something, or de ja vu or something like that. and then i go in this ahhh place and have my dad pick me up an ice cap at 6 in the morning to calm my nerves and watch sexy girl and some other make over show, because thats how cool my mornings are basically on a 5 day basis. my pants are in the drier, they probably shrunk and wont fit me. but my dads driving me to school, because hes not going to work, because he came home way after i went to bed last night. and couldnt wake up this morning. so though his pph's started on monday,he has already took 2 days off work, becuase of the same thing. so that means he has 5 more left to last the rest of the year. real smart ass. the fact that you came home drunk at 6 the day before wasn't enough of a lifter to my spirits. oh and the day before that, i wonder what would have happened if i hadn't see your van at shooters during my run. how long would it have taken you to come home. its been over a week of everyday. and last night was me sleeping the whole day because i couldn't sit up and think about it. and stupid me and my stress factor being so high that i yelled at max, but really i was just mad at everything else, though it does bug me and i ddo think its disgusting to do that. but i guess i give him a hard time when hes given up alot. i have to do somehting for him to show him how much it actually means to me. but it has to be perfect, i know how much not showing someone that what they are doing affects the reasons to why they are doing it. if that makes sense. i just needed to talk to him, more than he knows, more than ive needed to in awhile, i just needed him so bad but he wasn't there. so last night as i laid in bed for 7 hours with my dog licking my face and me wrappped in 5 blankets becuase i couldn't get warm. i thought to myself. what am i doing. what is going on with me, inside and outside of this place that i have put myself in. and the truth is i just want out of it. i want out of this place where i can't stop to stay awake because i can't stand to see his face. i can't stand hoping for something and not getting it. i cant stand letting all my emotions build up from something else and taking it out on someone else. im just tired. i can't stay in this house. i can't its like im suffocating everytime im here. everynight, i can't get to sleep, i hate it and i hate him so much. i never thought it would get this way, never. but i guess im proven wrong, and i realised that i can't handle it and i need out, i really do, and im going to get out becuase any longer in here, who knows what may happen.