(no subject)
Title: Fantasy
Characters: Maya/Gabriel
Rating: R (bit smutty)
Word count: 3, 180
Disclaimer: Do not own.
Summery: Morning after...
Note: Gift!fic for
razycrandomgirl, hope you like it ;)
I pull the dress over my head and wriggle it down my body, bra nowhere to be found. But I don't care, just want to be gone from this place. The light coming through the blinds offer little illumination and the large open planned area is still and silent, but for the occasional car passing below.
But I stiffen and gasp when I hear him yawn, the squeak-squeak of plastic against bare skin. There's another silence before he groans aloud in pain and I can just see him bend over in the armchair, hand buried in his messy hair. I had run my fingers through it and tugged as I straddled him the night before. Gingerly sitting on his bed to strap on the sandals with hasty fingers I keep my gaze on him, waiting for the moment to escape if he should rise.
Belly in knots I tread as quietly as I can past him, giving him a once over. His head is thrown back and he has a strange pleasant look on his face, like he's day dreaming even with his aching head grasped in his hands. He's naked from the waist down. Very pale and my heart thunders in my chest. I race to the door and try to open it but I can't, it won't budge. Noting movement he becomes absolutely still and stops breathing. I stare transfixed as his eyes become wider and wider and then he suddenly tilts his face to me. His mouth falls open and his white skin becomes crimson is an instant.
"...I - I thought it was a dream..."
"I've got to go, I should never have come here." I stand awkwardly, not looking at him as he pulls up his trousers with a humiliated gasp and rises. The plastic makes a sucking noise and I look back to see him all but shaking with shame.
"Maya, I eh, I..."
But I don't want to hear what he's got to say, just want to be home and away from him. He makes me feel awful, his rumpled - fucked - state makes me feel sick with guilt. "Don't talk to me Gabriel, just open the door!" I look down at the small kitchen table, at the birthday cake I had made him and feel tears rising, my throat clogging up. He becomes still, breathing heavy before he nods and reaches down for his glasses. I turn on my heel when I think I detect a wet gleam over his confused eyes and grab my bag off the table and wait impatiently.
"Did I do something wrong?" His fingers make nervous contact with my arm and I move forward despite myself, hand pressed to the door and the other to his chest.
"No Gabriel, don't think that! I just can't look at you right now." Such a cruel thing to say to him but it's the truth; I look away, can't stand the pain welling up in his eyes. I hear a hurt intake of breath and his shaking hand turns the lock and opens the door.
I'm gone in a blur and flutter of red fabric and long dark hair.
*
I stand there for a long moment, face just as red and my breathing increasingly laboured until the door slams shut and I lean back against it. I close my eyes, feel the interlocking of wet lashes and try to regain some calmness. I open them after awhile - hours, I think - and look down at the table and what is spread out there. Think of that, not what just happened.
A big, half eaten birthday cake is on the kitchen table, next to it an empty bottle of wine. We had drunk all of it, to celebrate my 29th birthday. Maya had made the cake just for me, it was beautiful and had taken her hours and it felt a sacrilege to destroy it. She had hand fed me, in the end, to stop my complaining.
Well, that had come later.
I thought I was dreaming, really. I mean no way did that just happen to me. I can hardly remember the details and the parts I can...
Teetering and tittering through my door, Maya laying the cake down and making that ribald laugh. She had worn a red dress, her breasts half visible and it had been wonderful. She hardly attired herself like that but for me she had. My special day she had said, she had to dress up nice for me.
Drinking wine from the bottle, drinking all of it. Never been so inebriated, never been so uninhibited! God, she was beautiful, she had pushed me down on the chair and sat on the arm. I hooked my hand around her waist so she wouldn't fall off the slippy surface again. She had taken me home from the restaurant. She said it had made her feel sad that I had no one to go home to. She had invited herself along, she had taken my hand.
She had laid it on my face, gently taken my glasses off. She had fallen silent then - Maya could talk until she couldn't breathe sometimes - and peered into my eyes. Both hazy, both so very drunk and kissed my mouth. Taken my hand and laid it on her breast. I remember squeezing it and then moving my hand up to her hair and burying it there with a feeling of finally! This is what I wanted.
The rest is a blur, completely dreamlike with small flares of vibrant clarity. The straps of her dress around her elbows, the smooth skin where her throat dips under my fingers. Her fingers touching me there, her mouth ringing my penis and then me grabbing her up and holding her tight, so tight until she enfolded me, submerged me inside her. I'm glad I was drunk otherwise I certainly wouldn't have lasted that long. Which still wasn't enough, she had rode me wildly, her hands gripping my shoulders or the back of the armchair as her groin bucked and she slicked me up and down. It was to much. I think I told Maya I loved her when I emptied deep inside and she had kept moving on me, even as I became soft.
I stand looking at my unkempt bed, a glint drawing me closer. She must have climbed off me during the night and slept on this. I don't remember. I bend down and with shaking fingers pick up the ring. The small diamond glitters in the light. Maybe she took it off? I glare at it suddenly, that old envy climbing up from my gut and around my head. I close my fist over it until it cuts into my skin.
*
She likes me because I'm boring. Not that she had said it in those words but she seemed to like that I was "normal." She had travelled so far to be in this country and she craves to be still and settled.
I'm still not sure what to think of that. Normal but a special kind, to her.
Maya Herrera, twenty-six from the Caribbean and of mixed ethnicity. The first time I had saw her I was struck by how exotic she appeared, bustling around the new Dominican restaurant that she and her twin brother had opened. It was something new and different. Not many people came at first, me one of them. But I was drawn like a moth, to many fantasies, day after day that I was driving myself crazy with not going.
At first it was just to try the food and then watch, tucked away in a corner but still able to view her. It made the world I created for us more real, with her there in tactile range. I would sit with my soup and coffee, hand on my cheek and just sink into it.
My wife, my almost wife. See her engagement ring winking in the light? She shouldn't cook with it on but she can't take it off. It's to precious to her. I had got it from a flee market in France. Maya had avoided the necklaces with jewels as big as pigeons eggs, she was modest, and chosen that ring. Something quite simple and it had cost nothing until we had taken it to get evaluated. It was old and greatly sort after - some ancient Queen's - but it was my gift to her. Only the best and we can have everything we wish...
No one knows I do this, not even my mother. I think everyone has fantasies of course, if they have imaginations. But not like mine, no one has my inner life because no one is quite like me.
*
How can you love another, give yourself up first without knowing they love you back?
Dreams it's acceptable but in reality? Madness.
I'm insane.
*
Lots of men would stare at her, at her chest particularly and I would glare at them before watching her myself. I felt I had her attention then and I don't know if I imagined it or not but I think she would give me quick glances. Maybe because she knew I wasn't like them. If there was one thing I did have a liking for it was her hair. It's long and dark brown, thick and hangs waving down her back. I love imagining Maya with her arms flung out and spinning and spinning like a top, her hair floating around her head and her smile half visible. It was untamed and free, something so very different from me and I guess a side she doesn't acknowledge in herself.
She just didn't really care.
One day, after I had been coming for a few weeks, Maya had her hair very curly and it hung thick around her shoulders. She had been bent over, hands hooked into claws as she roared at the little boy like a lion and shook her hair out around his small head like a mane. Both me and the boy had laughed and that had been when she had looked at me and smiled. Taken a seat at my table with a sigh.
She had asked for my name and Jesus Christ her face had shinned like the sun coming out from behind a cloud when I told her. She had straightened in her seat and started singing - a hymn - in Spanish about the angel Gabriel with a huge grin on her face the whole time, the little boy clapping behind her and trying to sing along. She had taken him in her lap and she had explained he was her brother's son.
That was the first time I had spoken to her and all I said was my name.
*
She loved saying it, that became clear. She said I'd blush and she would draw it out purposefully, rolling it around her tongue before uttering it.
"Gabrrieeel is here! I knew you would! I kicked some rich people out for you!"
"You did not!?" Sitting down, taking my scarf off as she nodded vigorously. She was quite childlike at times and at others like a mother hen.
"He-hum. I made your soup especially Gabriel!" She had winked and weaved her way through the tables to the kitchen to get my usual. She had brought it to me and laid it down, waiting for my verdict. Truth be told the vegetables could be rotting and I'd eat all of it just to see that smile on her face when I said I liked it. She was so, so beautiful.
And of course she was not unattached, how could someone like her be? I don't know his name, don't want to. I tried so hard not to let it bother me, I know I have problems sometimes but I couldn't hold the envy down. He would hook his arm around her waist and make her sit in his lap despite her gentle protests. Only for her to end up kissing him, stroke his face so lovingly and soft. It made my face burn, it made me want to be sick.
But right from the start I could tell things weren't right. He would stay, grope Maya and then his cell would ring and he would rush away. Maya had tried to hide her disappointment and sadness but couldn't, sometimes she'd cry and dissapear. I didn't want to see her unhappy but a big part really did because I hoped very single time they'd break up, wished for it with all my soul.
He bought her an engagement ring instead.
*
I should have got it back from Gabreil but I couldn't do it. I hadn't seen him for almost three months and I was worried. I didn't want to snoop, maybe he hates me and I wouldn't blame him after what happened. But I needed the stupid ring. And the other thing, I needed to tell him that...
I had come to his door once, was prepared to tell him but my clenched fist had frozen as I prepared to knock. Fear had suffocated me and the tears had started. My brother calls me a leaky tap, as in I'm not quite turned off but I can't help it, it's just the way I am.
So I had run away like a coward. But not for long, it wasn't very brave of me but I needed to show him that things were ok, on my part at least.
I would settle the Styrofoam cup full of soup down on his doormat, knock and then run away, like a child, waiting to watch him answer the door. My heart bled for him, he looked so miserable and skinny and I almost went to him. He picked up the soup, saw the restaurant name printed on the side and gasped audibly. He had swiveled his eyes around before looking down at it with wonder and then smiled beatifically.
I left and the rest of the week did the same thing until he had appeared, very nervous on the threshold of my door.
*
"We broke up months ago and I have to give the ring back. Well I don't have to but I don't feel right keeping it."
I'm sitting at Maya's kitchen table, the ring laying between us and at her confession that she was now single my belly had erupted with delight even as she looked down at the ring with regret. Seeing this I swallow my pleasure down and tentatively touch the back of her hand and she looks up at me with a weak smile which grows stronger by the second. We just sit looking at each other until her eyes start to tear up and I clear my throat.
"About before. I'm sorry that I made you upset Maya, I was so ashamed. I - I thought you hated me." My cheeks burn as she makes a noise of dissent and gets to her feet, coming to me. She gets down on her hunches by my side and takes my hands.
"No no no, don't think that Gabriel. I was ashamed at myself, for what I did."
"Because it was with me?"
"No! Gabriel...if there's one thing I hate above all it's broken trust, I despised people that cheat and I thought myself above that. What I did disgusted me, not because of you" she adds quickly as my face still shines with hurt. "Do you understand? You never shame me..." she reaches out and pushes hair off the frame of my glasses and then strokes her fingertips down my cheek and then up. I've stopped breathing, heart pounding. "There is..." she trails off, licking her lips and continues with difficulty. "I don't know how to say this..."
"Is it bad?"
She hesitates before nodding, tears rolling down her cheeks. I breathe in deep and brush the tracks away from her skin with my thumbs.
"Just tell me when you're ready. Maya I want, I want..." I trail off, hoping what I'm trying to say is clear to read. She smiles, still with those tears on her cheek and stands up, bending over me. She settles her lips on my forehead and after a few seconds I grip her waist in my hands, pushing her down. She goes with me, and lowers her lips to mine. I can't stop making moaning noises in my throat, trying to breathe. She pulls back with the first bright smile on her face.
"You're very excited Gabrieel!" she says teasingly, a glint in her eye.
"Yeah, well I've imagined and waited for this moment for months. It was just a daydream I liked to create."
She hums, tilting her head at me. "Live in your head do you?" I don't answer her, can't, and she just smiles with a strange look before kissing the top of my head.
*
With his body around me I had told him, not looking at him until I had got the words out. Gabriel's such a still man, like nothing really effects him but his face had crumpled like paper and he had cried into my hair. I held him tight as I told him that I felt like losing it was god's punishment for being unfaithful. He had risen quickly, sniffing and his eyes had blazed with anger. He says I shouldn't think like that, I sounded like his mother and she was - he stopped himself before saying what, his face going red. After a few minutes he had settled down and now he stares up at the ceiling, thinking. He opens his mouth, wanting to speak.
"I'm not normal Maya, I'm not a good person."
I scoff at him and he turns to look at me, so serious.
"I mean it. You...you're so full up and can pick and choose what to feel. I can't. I can't feel bad about things sometimes, I'm aware of it but I can't do anything about it and it makes me feel hollow. It's not like I don't have any empathy, that should be clear," he adds quickly, pain flashing over his face, "it's just it has to be something huge to really hit. If it's not happening to me..."
I frown at him, knowing that this was important but I couldn't really believe it. He was quiet and he appeared so caring, extremely sensative and considerate. I bend down over him, framing my hair over his face "Not feeling it and not being able to express it are two different things."
"I know. It's just watching you, I get jealous sometimes."
I smile at him, rolling my eyes. "Strange man...I have enough for both of us I think." I kiss him deeply, my hand framing his cheek as he rolls me onto my back and rises up on his hands, looking down at me with a soft expression, his lips gently quirked. I wonder what's going on in that mind of his.
Characters: Maya/Gabriel
Rating: R (bit smutty)
Word count: 3, 180
Disclaimer: Do not own.
Summery: Morning after...
Note: Gift!fic for
razycrandomgirl, hope you like it ;)
I pull the dress over my head and wriggle it down my body, bra nowhere to be found. But I don't care, just want to be gone from this place. The light coming through the blinds offer little illumination and the large open planned area is still and silent, but for the occasional car passing below.
But I stiffen and gasp when I hear him yawn, the squeak-squeak of plastic against bare skin. There's another silence before he groans aloud in pain and I can just see him bend over in the armchair, hand buried in his messy hair. I had run my fingers through it and tugged as I straddled him the night before. Gingerly sitting on his bed to strap on the sandals with hasty fingers I keep my gaze on him, waiting for the moment to escape if he should rise.
Belly in knots I tread as quietly as I can past him, giving him a once over. His head is thrown back and he has a strange pleasant look on his face, like he's day dreaming even with his aching head grasped in his hands. He's naked from the waist down. Very pale and my heart thunders in my chest. I race to the door and try to open it but I can't, it won't budge. Noting movement he becomes absolutely still and stops breathing. I stare transfixed as his eyes become wider and wider and then he suddenly tilts his face to me. His mouth falls open and his white skin becomes crimson is an instant.
"...I - I thought it was a dream..."
"I've got to go, I should never have come here." I stand awkwardly, not looking at him as he pulls up his trousers with a humiliated gasp and rises. The plastic makes a sucking noise and I look back to see him all but shaking with shame.
"Maya, I eh, I..."
But I don't want to hear what he's got to say, just want to be home and away from him. He makes me feel awful, his rumpled - fucked - state makes me feel sick with guilt. "Don't talk to me Gabriel, just open the door!" I look down at the small kitchen table, at the birthday cake I had made him and feel tears rising, my throat clogging up. He becomes still, breathing heavy before he nods and reaches down for his glasses. I turn on my heel when I think I detect a wet gleam over his confused eyes and grab my bag off the table and wait impatiently.
"Did I do something wrong?" His fingers make nervous contact with my arm and I move forward despite myself, hand pressed to the door and the other to his chest.
"No Gabriel, don't think that! I just can't look at you right now." Such a cruel thing to say to him but it's the truth; I look away, can't stand the pain welling up in his eyes. I hear a hurt intake of breath and his shaking hand turns the lock and opens the door.
I'm gone in a blur and flutter of red fabric and long dark hair.
*
I stand there for a long moment, face just as red and my breathing increasingly laboured until the door slams shut and I lean back against it. I close my eyes, feel the interlocking of wet lashes and try to regain some calmness. I open them after awhile - hours, I think - and look down at the table and what is spread out there. Think of that, not what just happened.
A big, half eaten birthday cake is on the kitchen table, next to it an empty bottle of wine. We had drunk all of it, to celebrate my 29th birthday. Maya had made the cake just for me, it was beautiful and had taken her hours and it felt a sacrilege to destroy it. She had hand fed me, in the end, to stop my complaining.
Well, that had come later.
I thought I was dreaming, really. I mean no way did that just happen to me. I can hardly remember the details and the parts I can...
Teetering and tittering through my door, Maya laying the cake down and making that ribald laugh. She had worn a red dress, her breasts half visible and it had been wonderful. She hardly attired herself like that but for me she had. My special day she had said, she had to dress up nice for me.
Drinking wine from the bottle, drinking all of it. Never been so inebriated, never been so uninhibited! God, she was beautiful, she had pushed me down on the chair and sat on the arm. I hooked my hand around her waist so she wouldn't fall off the slippy surface again. She had taken me home from the restaurant. She said it had made her feel sad that I had no one to go home to. She had invited herself along, she had taken my hand.
She had laid it on my face, gently taken my glasses off. She had fallen silent then - Maya could talk until she couldn't breathe sometimes - and peered into my eyes. Both hazy, both so very drunk and kissed my mouth. Taken my hand and laid it on her breast. I remember squeezing it and then moving my hand up to her hair and burying it there with a feeling of finally! This is what I wanted.
The rest is a blur, completely dreamlike with small flares of vibrant clarity. The straps of her dress around her elbows, the smooth skin where her throat dips under my fingers. Her fingers touching me there, her mouth ringing my penis and then me grabbing her up and holding her tight, so tight until she enfolded me, submerged me inside her. I'm glad I was drunk otherwise I certainly wouldn't have lasted that long. Which still wasn't enough, she had rode me wildly, her hands gripping my shoulders or the back of the armchair as her groin bucked and she slicked me up and down. It was to much. I think I told Maya I loved her when I emptied deep inside and she had kept moving on me, even as I became soft.
I stand looking at my unkempt bed, a glint drawing me closer. She must have climbed off me during the night and slept on this. I don't remember. I bend down and with shaking fingers pick up the ring. The small diamond glitters in the light. Maybe she took it off? I glare at it suddenly, that old envy climbing up from my gut and around my head. I close my fist over it until it cuts into my skin.
*
She likes me because I'm boring. Not that she had said it in those words but she seemed to like that I was "normal." She had travelled so far to be in this country and she craves to be still and settled.
I'm still not sure what to think of that. Normal but a special kind, to her.
Maya Herrera, twenty-six from the Caribbean and of mixed ethnicity. The first time I had saw her I was struck by how exotic she appeared, bustling around the new Dominican restaurant that she and her twin brother had opened. It was something new and different. Not many people came at first, me one of them. But I was drawn like a moth, to many fantasies, day after day that I was driving myself crazy with not going.
At first it was just to try the food and then watch, tucked away in a corner but still able to view her. It made the world I created for us more real, with her there in tactile range. I would sit with my soup and coffee, hand on my cheek and just sink into it.
My wife, my almost wife. See her engagement ring winking in the light? She shouldn't cook with it on but she can't take it off. It's to precious to her. I had got it from a flee market in France. Maya had avoided the necklaces with jewels as big as pigeons eggs, she was modest, and chosen that ring. Something quite simple and it had cost nothing until we had taken it to get evaluated. It was old and greatly sort after - some ancient Queen's - but it was my gift to her. Only the best and we can have everything we wish...
No one knows I do this, not even my mother. I think everyone has fantasies of course, if they have imaginations. But not like mine, no one has my inner life because no one is quite like me.
*
How can you love another, give yourself up first without knowing they love you back?
Dreams it's acceptable but in reality? Madness.
I'm insane.
*
Lots of men would stare at her, at her chest particularly and I would glare at them before watching her myself. I felt I had her attention then and I don't know if I imagined it or not but I think she would give me quick glances. Maybe because she knew I wasn't like them. If there was one thing I did have a liking for it was her hair. It's long and dark brown, thick and hangs waving down her back. I love imagining Maya with her arms flung out and spinning and spinning like a top, her hair floating around her head and her smile half visible. It was untamed and free, something so very different from me and I guess a side she doesn't acknowledge in herself.
She just didn't really care.
One day, after I had been coming for a few weeks, Maya had her hair very curly and it hung thick around her shoulders. She had been bent over, hands hooked into claws as she roared at the little boy like a lion and shook her hair out around his small head like a mane. Both me and the boy had laughed and that had been when she had looked at me and smiled. Taken a seat at my table with a sigh.
She had asked for my name and Jesus Christ her face had shinned like the sun coming out from behind a cloud when I told her. She had straightened in her seat and started singing - a hymn - in Spanish about the angel Gabriel with a huge grin on her face the whole time, the little boy clapping behind her and trying to sing along. She had taken him in her lap and she had explained he was her brother's son.
That was the first time I had spoken to her and all I said was my name.
*
She loved saying it, that became clear. She said I'd blush and she would draw it out purposefully, rolling it around her tongue before uttering it.
"Gabrrieeel is here! I knew you would! I kicked some rich people out for you!"
"You did not!?" Sitting down, taking my scarf off as she nodded vigorously. She was quite childlike at times and at others like a mother hen.
"He-hum. I made your soup especially Gabriel!" She had winked and weaved her way through the tables to the kitchen to get my usual. She had brought it to me and laid it down, waiting for my verdict. Truth be told the vegetables could be rotting and I'd eat all of it just to see that smile on her face when I said I liked it. She was so, so beautiful.
And of course she was not unattached, how could someone like her be? I don't know his name, don't want to. I tried so hard not to let it bother me, I know I have problems sometimes but I couldn't hold the envy down. He would hook his arm around her waist and make her sit in his lap despite her gentle protests. Only for her to end up kissing him, stroke his face so lovingly and soft. It made my face burn, it made me want to be sick.
But right from the start I could tell things weren't right. He would stay, grope Maya and then his cell would ring and he would rush away. Maya had tried to hide her disappointment and sadness but couldn't, sometimes she'd cry and dissapear. I didn't want to see her unhappy but a big part really did because I hoped very single time they'd break up, wished for it with all my soul.
He bought her an engagement ring instead.
*
I should have got it back from Gabreil but I couldn't do it. I hadn't seen him for almost three months and I was worried. I didn't want to snoop, maybe he hates me and I wouldn't blame him after what happened. But I needed the stupid ring. And the other thing, I needed to tell him that...
I had come to his door once, was prepared to tell him but my clenched fist had frozen as I prepared to knock. Fear had suffocated me and the tears had started. My brother calls me a leaky tap, as in I'm not quite turned off but I can't help it, it's just the way I am.
So I had run away like a coward. But not for long, it wasn't very brave of me but I needed to show him that things were ok, on my part at least.
I would settle the Styrofoam cup full of soup down on his doormat, knock and then run away, like a child, waiting to watch him answer the door. My heart bled for him, he looked so miserable and skinny and I almost went to him. He picked up the soup, saw the restaurant name printed on the side and gasped audibly. He had swiveled his eyes around before looking down at it with wonder and then smiled beatifically.
I left and the rest of the week did the same thing until he had appeared, very nervous on the threshold of my door.
*
"We broke up months ago and I have to give the ring back. Well I don't have to but I don't feel right keeping it."
I'm sitting at Maya's kitchen table, the ring laying between us and at her confession that she was now single my belly had erupted with delight even as she looked down at the ring with regret. Seeing this I swallow my pleasure down and tentatively touch the back of her hand and she looks up at me with a weak smile which grows stronger by the second. We just sit looking at each other until her eyes start to tear up and I clear my throat.
"About before. I'm sorry that I made you upset Maya, I was so ashamed. I - I thought you hated me." My cheeks burn as she makes a noise of dissent and gets to her feet, coming to me. She gets down on her hunches by my side and takes my hands.
"No no no, don't think that Gabriel. I was ashamed at myself, for what I did."
"Because it was with me?"
"No! Gabriel...if there's one thing I hate above all it's broken trust, I despised people that cheat and I thought myself above that. What I did disgusted me, not because of you" she adds quickly as my face still shines with hurt. "Do you understand? You never shame me..." she reaches out and pushes hair off the frame of my glasses and then strokes her fingertips down my cheek and then up. I've stopped breathing, heart pounding. "There is..." she trails off, licking her lips and continues with difficulty. "I don't know how to say this..."
"Is it bad?"
She hesitates before nodding, tears rolling down her cheeks. I breathe in deep and brush the tracks away from her skin with my thumbs.
"Just tell me when you're ready. Maya I want, I want..." I trail off, hoping what I'm trying to say is clear to read. She smiles, still with those tears on her cheek and stands up, bending over me. She settles her lips on my forehead and after a few seconds I grip her waist in my hands, pushing her down. She goes with me, and lowers her lips to mine. I can't stop making moaning noises in my throat, trying to breathe. She pulls back with the first bright smile on her face.
"You're very excited Gabrieel!" she says teasingly, a glint in her eye.
"Yeah, well I've imagined and waited for this moment for months. It was just a daydream I liked to create."
She hums, tilting her head at me. "Live in your head do you?" I don't answer her, can't, and she just smiles with a strange look before kissing the top of my head.
*
With his body around me I had told him, not looking at him until I had got the words out. Gabriel's such a still man, like nothing really effects him but his face had crumpled like paper and he had cried into my hair. I held him tight as I told him that I felt like losing it was god's punishment for being unfaithful. He had risen quickly, sniffing and his eyes had blazed with anger. He says I shouldn't think like that, I sounded like his mother and she was - he stopped himself before saying what, his face going red. After a few minutes he had settled down and now he stares up at the ceiling, thinking. He opens his mouth, wanting to speak.
"I'm not normal Maya, I'm not a good person."
I scoff at him and he turns to look at me, so serious.
"I mean it. You...you're so full up and can pick and choose what to feel. I can't. I can't feel bad about things sometimes, I'm aware of it but I can't do anything about it and it makes me feel hollow. It's not like I don't have any empathy, that should be clear," he adds quickly, pain flashing over his face, "it's just it has to be something huge to really hit. If it's not happening to me..."
I frown at him, knowing that this was important but I couldn't really believe it. He was quiet and he appeared so caring, extremely sensative and considerate. I bend down over him, framing my hair over his face "Not feeling it and not being able to express it are two different things."
"I know. It's just watching you, I get jealous sometimes."
I smile at him, rolling my eyes. "Strange man...I have enough for both of us I think." I kiss him deeply, my hand framing his cheek as he rolls me onto my back and rises up on his hands, looking down at me with a soft expression, his lips gently quirked. I wonder what's going on in that mind of his.