Attempt # 3
Title: Attempt # 3
Characters/Pairing: Gabriel Gray
Rating: R
Word count: 1,019
Disclaimer: Do not own.
Summery: Gabriel tries to write his suicide note
Note: Written in a handwriting font. heroes_contest
prompt "Psychology"
"I feel certain that I am going mad again"
That was a good one. I've become obsessed with death. I used to fantasize about doing this, writing one of these things. There's something romantic about it, in a morbid way. It's the last thing of you, your last communication with the outside world. That has a lot of weight. No one wants to be remembered for a boring suicide note, do they?
And that was my problem before, I had nothing worthy enough to write and even if I did I didn't really mean it. Someone would find me before it was too late, someone would save me and I'd tell them that it was an accident because I wouldn't really do something like that, not me. It was all pretend. I never understood before, the reasons why those people did it but now I do. I wish I didn't, god I wish with all my soul.
I'm spectacular very good at fooling people, even mom. I know they look at me and see some milquetoast type man, just some harmless weirdo and then forget me. That's fine, that's all part of my plan, my fancy dress and act up. They don't see the real me, no one does because I don't think there is a real me. My mom is disappointed that I didn't reach to the heights she wanted for me, she only wants the best for me but what she didn't understand was that her highest aspirations were never high enough.
Is that really true? I've got to be truthful here. Jesus if I can't do that now then there's no hope for me and I should just get on with it.
I don't think I have a soul. I'm an empty person, hollow and so completely shallow but no on can see it because I don't want them to. Not because I think I'm better then them, not really. No because I'm so full of shame and I dread anyone knowing the truth about me. I have sinned, most awfully and I feel so completely guilty. This feeling, this pain is the most intense emotion I have ever felt and I kind of like it. the hollowness inside is my incapacity to feel for someone, to care and love them because deep down I don't think I can and that's fucking awful to face and makes me feel so hopeless and miserable.
I can't stop thinking about him, what I did to that poor man. he just wanted help -
It's a mortal sin and I'm frightened, I'm soulless but I still think I'll end up there, that place. I want someone, anyone to forgive me but I know it's impossible, not me. i'm a monster inside, I'm like a wolf under here and I'm hungry all the time.
i dumped his body in the river and they found it this morning, I read it in the papers. they'll come for me soon, i'm convinced. i left a message on his answer machine, they must have found it by now
there's two places I like to be: my shop and the antique bookstore. but there's some pretty new girl working there now and she looks at me with her big brown eyes. just won't stop staring and i didn't want to stop going there but she's -
i'm going out of my mind. Jesus i think i have been for a very long time.
i went to the library, instead of the police station though that came close, very close. i wanted to know what was wrong with me - psychology - because mom wouldn't say, she thinks i'm perfect. I thought it would help but i didn't find anything there but i did find some postcards at the shop. Virgin Mary and the Angel Gabriel. i pray to them, pray and pray and pray for hours and i sometimes feel a little better for doing so but now it's not working. I went a mad for a time, in the back room.
We all go a little mad sometimes, right Norman?
this problem in me is not like anyone else's. i'm not like some dirty crazy person out on the street, their problem is in the mind, a mental illness. some can be cured with the right treatment, i can't. it's me, i'm the problem and the only way i can be saved stopped is to unravel myself apart. It's a scary process but i think a Peace will come at the end when I'm no more. There won't be Hell, there won't be Heaven. Just nothing, like going to sleep forever and all this hurt and shame will be gone.
I'm sincerely sorry for what I did but I know it would be easy for me to pretend that I don't care and maybe one day I'll fool myself and not feel anything. Indifference is Evil and it's Insatiable. They're Others out there with these Gifts and I can get them, fill this abyss in me but i don't think it will work. it hasn't worked and he died for nothing.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT "DR" SURESH, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW!!!!
Things could be different if he had only given me a chance and I will never forgive him for doing this to me. He was meant to help me, instead he's turned me into a monster. I pray now you never find another person, build their hopes and dreams only to crush them with your indifference. I thought i was Special, i thought i was -
if there's one thing, one piece of advice id' give it would be to not trust anyone because you'll only get hurt. I wish I had just stayed alone, working on my timepieces. I can't believe i ever thought it was boring and futile. I was an idiot, a fool for thinking that something good could happen to me. Special? What a joke!!!
I'm so sorry mom, i hope that you'll be ok without me. I hope that you go out and see places, don't just sit your life away staring at those snowglobes. I do love you.
I know what I am now. I'm Narcissus looking into the pool but not trapped by what I look like on the surface, no I can see what’s underneath the surface and it's filthy and polluted and I just can't look away. any minute now I'll slip, I'm already half submerged and if I fall? No more stopping me. No one will be safe and that is why I have to do this, it's my one act of heroism, in a way.
Full Moon is out tonight. I'm gonna go Howling.
I wish someone could have helped me but I know it's just a delusion. Goodbye and I'm sorry Brian.
God, what a mess. I'm going to rip it up and start again.
Characters/Pairing: Gabriel Gray
Rating: R
Word count: 1,019
Disclaimer: Do not own.
Summery: Gabriel tries to write his suicide note
Note: Written in a handwriting font. heroes_contest
prompt "Psychology"
"I feel certain that I am going mad again"
That was a good one. I've become obsessed with death. I used to fantasize about doing this, writing one of these things. There's something romantic about it, in a morbid way. It's the last thing of you, your last communication with the outside world. That has a lot of weight. No one wants to be remembered for a boring suicide note, do they?
And that was my problem before, I had nothing worthy enough to write and even if I did I didn't really mean it. Someone would find me before it was too late, someone would save me and I'd tell them that it was an accident because I wouldn't really do something like that, not me. It was all pretend. I never understood before, the reasons why those people did it but now I do. I wish I didn't, god I wish with all my soul.
I'm spectacular very good at fooling people, even mom. I know they look at me and see some milquetoast type man, just some harmless weirdo and then forget me. That's fine, that's all part of my plan, my fancy dress and act up. They don't see the real me, no one does because I don't think there is a real me. My mom is disappointed that I didn't reach to the heights she wanted for me, she only wants the best for me but what she didn't understand was that her highest aspirations were never high enough.
Is that really true? I've got to be truthful here. Jesus if I can't do that now then there's no hope for me and I should just get on with it.
I don't think I have a soul. I'm an empty person, hollow and so completely shallow but no on can see it because I don't want them to. Not because I think I'm better then them, not really. No because I'm so full of shame and I dread anyone knowing the truth about me. I have sinned, most awfully and I feel so completely guilty. This feeling, this pain is the most intense emotion I have ever felt and I kind of like it. the hollowness inside is my incapacity to feel for someone, to care and love them because deep down I don't think I can and that's fucking awful to face and makes me feel so hopeless and miserable.
I can't stop thinking about him, what I did to that poor man. he just wanted help -
It's a mortal sin and I'm frightened, I'm soulless but I still think I'll end up there, that place. I want someone, anyone to forgive me but I know it's impossible, not me. i'm a monster inside, I'm like a wolf under here and I'm hungry all the time.
i dumped his body in the river and they found it this morning, I read it in the papers. they'll come for me soon, i'm convinced. i left a message on his answer machine, they must have found it by now
there's two places I like to be: my shop and the antique bookstore. but there's some pretty new girl working there now and she looks at me with her big brown eyes. just won't stop staring and i didn't want to stop going there but she's -
i'm going out of my mind. Jesus i think i have been for a very long time.
i went to the library, instead of the police station though that came close, very close. i wanted to know what was wrong with me - psychology - because mom wouldn't say, she thinks i'm perfect. I thought it would help but i didn't find anything there but i did find some postcards at the shop. Virgin Mary and the Angel Gabriel. i pray to them, pray and pray and pray for hours and i sometimes feel a little better for doing so but now it's not working. I went a mad for a time, in the back room.
We all go a little mad sometimes, right Norman?
this problem in me is not like anyone else's. i'm not like some dirty crazy person out on the street, their problem is in the mind, a mental illness. some can be cured with the right treatment, i can't. it's me, i'm the problem and the only way i can be saved stopped is to unravel myself apart. It's a scary process but i think a Peace will come at the end when I'm no more. There won't be Hell, there won't be Heaven. Just nothing, like going to sleep forever and all this hurt and shame will be gone.
I'm sincerely sorry for what I did but I know it would be easy for me to pretend that I don't care and maybe one day I'll fool myself and not feel anything. Indifference is Evil and it's Insatiable. They're Others out there with these Gifts and I can get them, fill this abyss in me but i don't think it will work. it hasn't worked and he died for nothing.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT "DR" SURESH, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW!!!!
Things could be different if he had only given me a chance and I will never forgive him for doing this to me. He was meant to help me, instead he's turned me into a monster. I pray now you never find another person, build their hopes and dreams only to crush them with your indifference. I thought i was Special, i thought i was -
if there's one thing, one piece of advice id' give it would be to not trust anyone because you'll only get hurt. I wish I had just stayed alone, working on my timepieces. I can't believe i ever thought it was boring and futile. I was an idiot, a fool for thinking that something good could happen to me. Special? What a joke!!!
I'm so sorry mom, i hope that you'll be ok without me. I hope that you go out and see places, don't just sit your life away staring at those snowglobes. I do love you.
I know what I am now. I'm Narcissus looking into the pool but not trapped by what I look like on the surface, no I can see what’s underneath the surface and it's filthy and polluted and I just can't look away. any minute now I'll slip, I'm already half submerged and if I fall? No more stopping me. No one will be safe and that is why I have to do this, it's my one act of heroism, in a way.
Full Moon is out tonight. I'm gonna go Howling.
I wish someone could have helped me but I know it's just a delusion. Goodbye and I'm sorry Brian.
God, what a mess. I'm going to rip it up and start again.