[fic] My Lie For You - gacktxhyde {oneshot}
Gackt wiped his palms on his shirt; his heart was pounding and his throat felt terribly dry. On a normal day, what he was about to do would be a plan that was only briefly considered before tossed aside, but with such quantities of alcohol poisoning his veins and clouding his judgment…
He was going to confess to Hyde.
Like a schoolgirl telling her long time crush how she felt, he was going to finally release all the pent up emotion he’d been holding for the older singer. Admiration that had met friendship and morphed into what he could only describe as love. He’d bottled this up for so long, afraid of letting it out and chasing Hyde away for good, but now he finally had the courage. Somehow, he found the bravery inside himself to put his feelings out there and let the chips fall… though, his ego told him they’d undoubtedly land in his favor anyhow.
He jumped, slightly startled, when Hyde wrapped an arm around his middle as he spun around him, swooping into Gackt’s thoughts and bringing the sound of the party back to his ears.
“Gacchan!” He grinned, downing another mouthful of whatever alcohol he’d been served. He was drunk too, but not nearly as bad as the younger singer was. Gackt downed two more gulps, urging his courage back into action as he gave the shorter man a nervous smile.
“Hey, Haido…” Glancing around, he decided a quieter place was necessary and set their drinks aside before he reached for Hyde’s elbow, pulling him gently into the hall.
It was dark out there, though light from the living room seeped in well enough that they could keep from tripping and bumping into each other and the walls. Gackt let Hyde go, nervously chewing his lip as he paced shortly, looking for words to express himself appropriately and hopefully with some semblance of his usual eloquence.
He stopped momentarily as You came out into the hall, helping a completely wasted Ju-Ken past and off towards one of the guest bedrooms at the other end of the house. Once he’d turned the corner, Gackt immediately began his pacing again, half wondering if this was a bad idea from the start, now that he was just drawing blanks and panicking in his head.
“Gacchan?” Hyde sounded concerned as he observed his behavior. “What’s wrong? Did you drink too much?”
Gackt shook his head. “No. Well, probably…” He was certainly having trouble thinking and speaking clearly. “… but that’s not the problem.”
Hyde cocked his head to the side, and though Gackt couldn’t really see his expression, he was sure he’d have one curious eyebrow raised. “Then… what is?”
Tired of the strain of thinking, Gackt sighed -exasperated with his own sluggish mind- and blurted the first answer on his tongue. “You are.”
Hyde blinked; looking surprised and then confused. “Me? I don’t understand… Did I say something I shouldn’t h-?”
“No! No, it’s just I-…” Gackt trailed off, licking his lips as his mouth went dry. “I just-…” Sighing again, he stepped closer to Hyde, raising his gaze from the floor to the older man’s face.
That confused expression was too much. Those doe eyes shone in the dim light, looking both concerned for the taller man in front of him and afraid that he was the cause of his obvious torment. His lips were parted as though he wanted to further question him, but was going to wait for Gackt to say what he needed to first. Everything about him looked perfect, he was fucking gorgeous, and it was way too much to handle.
Gackt’s heart swelled painfully, and he lost the last bit of rational thought to the inebriated haze settled over his cognitive abilities.
His hands closed around Hyde’s upper arms, pushing him against the wall to his back and he leaned in swiftly, cutting off a confused protest as his lips pressed firmly against the other’s.
“Mmph!” Hyde exclaimed, unable to move or twist out of his larger, stronger, friend’s hold.
Gackt’s mind was whirling at the feeling of Hyde’s lips beneath his own, soft, smooth and… pressed into a firm line. He almost frowned… That wasn’t right.
Hyde wasn’t responding at all to his kiss. In fact, he wasn’t even moving. His body was completely tense, and though he hadn’t yet attempted to throw him off, he certainly wasn’t kissing back. Gackt opened his eyes upon this realization, finding Hyde’s -so close to his own- were screwed shut, tightly blocking out any image of the man who was kissing him with decreasing fervor.
There was a sick, sinking, feeling in his stomach as Gackt became aware of all this. His motions stilled against Hyde’s mouth. This wasn’t how he’d imagined it. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go…
Slowly, like stepping into a bad dream, Gackt pulled away from still man beneath him. “Haido…?” He said softly, his voice slightly hoarse. He released his grip on the vocalist’s arms, letting his own fall until his hands were loosely looking to clasp with Hyde’s. He could only pray that the other man was simply too pleasantly surprised to respond.
Hyde cracked his eyes open slowly, his gaze was cast downward, not meeting Gackt’s, and the only discernable emotion in their depths was confusion.
Gackt held onto his small shred of hope, thinking maybe a real confession would wake Hyde from his trance. He leaned in closer, his hope and probable desperation showing in his expression and tone of voice. “Haido, I lo-“
“Gackt…” Hyde spoke suddenly, still not meeting his gaze but lips twisting to look a little pained. “Don’t.”
Gackt’s heart stopped with his words, and he couldn’t say anything else as Hyde carefully slipped his hands out of his loose hold and brought them to the taller man’s chest. They pushed him back gently, and Gackt leant away as a result before stumbling backwards on his own, as though he’d been shoved. His back hit the opposite wall and he could only gape, feeling his heart crumble as Hyde’s eyes met his.
The confusion was definitely there, but there was also disappointment, and pity, and a myriad of other emotions that only made Gackt’s heart break faster.
“I’m sorry… Gackt, listen. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same way.” He stepped forward, watching the painful emotions painted on his friend’s shocked and distraught features. “I can’t love you. I love women, one woman -my wife. But even if I wasn’t married, I still couldn’t think of you as more than a really good friend.” His pity stung worse than his rejection. “Despite what the media and the fans like to think… and all the fanservice… I’m just… I’m not gay.” He finished, looking up into Gackt’s averted features. “I’m really sorr-“
“No,” Gackt cut him off suddenly, quickly masking most of his hurt with the same façade he used while working with the media. “I know that.” He paused for a split second, during which Hyde’s confusion doubled. “N-neither am I…”
Again, he was sure by the ensuing silence that Hyde was raising the eyebrow.
“It’s true. I like women, not guys… And you’re my friend anyway, so…”
“So why did you just…” Hyde lowered his voice, hearing footsteps approach them from around the bend in the hall. “…kiss me?”
“Oh, that? That’s… how I greet all of my friends.” He lied, wincing at how stupid it sounded but not stopping stupider words from following it. “It’s… to show you all how much I love being really good friends with you. It’s like… trust. A show of trust…. And tight bonds… and…. Yes.”
“Uh huh…”
You passed them, nodding apologetically for cutting through their conversation.
“It’s true!” Gackt assured him urgently, shifting uncomfortably for a second before turning towards the violinist. “You!” He called his name, and the tall blonde man turned around, looking surprised as Gackt reached out to catch his hands, and even more surprised when the singer pulled him into a kiss.
Of course, this kiss was awkward -lacking any passion- and it was too short and You was too surprised to respond before it was over, and he was left blushing bright red while Gackt cleared his throat and settled back on his feet.
“Err, yes. Nice to see you, You.” Gackt attempted to sound casual, gently nudging You through the doorway to the living room while the violinist raised a hand to his lips, still in a daze. Gackt turned back to Hyde, shoving his hands in his pockets. “See? That’s totally normal behavior for me… It doesn’t mean I love you or anything.”
“Because it’s a show of friendship.”
“Exactly!”
“And we are friends.”
“The best of. Yes.”
Hyde considered this before stepping closer to him, into the light cast into the hall from the living room. He was smiling almost sadly, but spoke as though he hadn’t a care or suspicion in the world. “Well, if that’s all this was about…” He laughed quietly, trailing off. “I’m glad we’re friends, Gacchan, but -if you don’t mind-, I’m gonna go- uh…” He cleared his throat. “Well, I think I’m in the mood for another drink.”
Gackt nodded quickly, steering him into the room. “Good idea… Um, enjoy the party, Haido. I’m going to… check up on Ju-ken… to see how he’s feeling…”
Hyde nodded, smiling that reassuring smile before turning and rubbing his temple as he approached the bar.
Gackt watched him go, jaw clenched, before turning and hurrying down the hall and into the dark of the rest of his house. He sat on the floor in his bedroom, in the small space between his bed and the wall. He could barely see a foot in front of him in the pitch-blackness.
Gackt was fairly certain that Hyde knew how he really felt and had simply played along to preserve their friendship, but shedding a tear in front of him would have ruined the lie…
… And then neither of them could have pretended to believe it.
A/N: Hmmm... This came to me in the middle of the night... during exam week... and so I typed it up, spur of the moment style. Haha, I'm not sure how I feel about it. The end is kinda weird, to me...
But whatever. One thing I do know, is that I have apparently written nothing that is both Gakuhai and happy... so I may have to get on that. Hehe~
Comments please!!
It's been awhile since I posted anything....
He was going to confess to Hyde.
Like a schoolgirl telling her long time crush how she felt, he was going to finally release all the pent up emotion he’d been holding for the older singer. Admiration that had met friendship and morphed into what he could only describe as love. He’d bottled this up for so long, afraid of letting it out and chasing Hyde away for good, but now he finally had the courage. Somehow, he found the bravery inside himself to put his feelings out there and let the chips fall… though, his ego told him they’d undoubtedly land in his favor anyhow.
He jumped, slightly startled, when Hyde wrapped an arm around his middle as he spun around him, swooping into Gackt’s thoughts and bringing the sound of the party back to his ears.
“Gacchan!” He grinned, downing another mouthful of whatever alcohol he’d been served. He was drunk too, but not nearly as bad as the younger singer was. Gackt downed two more gulps, urging his courage back into action as he gave the shorter man a nervous smile.
“Hey, Haido…” Glancing around, he decided a quieter place was necessary and set their drinks aside before he reached for Hyde’s elbow, pulling him gently into the hall.
It was dark out there, though light from the living room seeped in well enough that they could keep from tripping and bumping into each other and the walls. Gackt let Hyde go, nervously chewing his lip as he paced shortly, looking for words to express himself appropriately and hopefully with some semblance of his usual eloquence.
He stopped momentarily as You came out into the hall, helping a completely wasted Ju-Ken past and off towards one of the guest bedrooms at the other end of the house. Once he’d turned the corner, Gackt immediately began his pacing again, half wondering if this was a bad idea from the start, now that he was just drawing blanks and panicking in his head.
“Gacchan?” Hyde sounded concerned as he observed his behavior. “What’s wrong? Did you drink too much?”
Gackt shook his head. “No. Well, probably…” He was certainly having trouble thinking and speaking clearly. “… but that’s not the problem.”
Hyde cocked his head to the side, and though Gackt couldn’t really see his expression, he was sure he’d have one curious eyebrow raised. “Then… what is?”
Tired of the strain of thinking, Gackt sighed -exasperated with his own sluggish mind- and blurted the first answer on his tongue. “You are.”
Hyde blinked; looking surprised and then confused. “Me? I don’t understand… Did I say something I shouldn’t h-?”
“No! No, it’s just I-…” Gackt trailed off, licking his lips as his mouth went dry. “I just-…” Sighing again, he stepped closer to Hyde, raising his gaze from the floor to the older man’s face.
That confused expression was too much. Those doe eyes shone in the dim light, looking both concerned for the taller man in front of him and afraid that he was the cause of his obvious torment. His lips were parted as though he wanted to further question him, but was going to wait for Gackt to say what he needed to first. Everything about him looked perfect, he was fucking gorgeous, and it was way too much to handle.
Gackt’s heart swelled painfully, and he lost the last bit of rational thought to the inebriated haze settled over his cognitive abilities.
His hands closed around Hyde’s upper arms, pushing him against the wall to his back and he leaned in swiftly, cutting off a confused protest as his lips pressed firmly against the other’s.
“Mmph!” Hyde exclaimed, unable to move or twist out of his larger, stronger, friend’s hold.
Gackt’s mind was whirling at the feeling of Hyde’s lips beneath his own, soft, smooth and… pressed into a firm line. He almost frowned… That wasn’t right.
Hyde wasn’t responding at all to his kiss. In fact, he wasn’t even moving. His body was completely tense, and though he hadn’t yet attempted to throw him off, he certainly wasn’t kissing back. Gackt opened his eyes upon this realization, finding Hyde’s -so close to his own- were screwed shut, tightly blocking out any image of the man who was kissing him with decreasing fervor.
There was a sick, sinking, feeling in his stomach as Gackt became aware of all this. His motions stilled against Hyde’s mouth. This wasn’t how he’d imagined it. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go…
Slowly, like stepping into a bad dream, Gackt pulled away from still man beneath him. “Haido…?” He said softly, his voice slightly hoarse. He released his grip on the vocalist’s arms, letting his own fall until his hands were loosely looking to clasp with Hyde’s. He could only pray that the other man was simply too pleasantly surprised to respond.
Hyde cracked his eyes open slowly, his gaze was cast downward, not meeting Gackt’s, and the only discernable emotion in their depths was confusion.
Gackt held onto his small shred of hope, thinking maybe a real confession would wake Hyde from his trance. He leaned in closer, his hope and probable desperation showing in his expression and tone of voice. “Haido, I lo-“
“Gackt…” Hyde spoke suddenly, still not meeting his gaze but lips twisting to look a little pained. “Don’t.”
Gackt’s heart stopped with his words, and he couldn’t say anything else as Hyde carefully slipped his hands out of his loose hold and brought them to the taller man’s chest. They pushed him back gently, and Gackt leant away as a result before stumbling backwards on his own, as though he’d been shoved. His back hit the opposite wall and he could only gape, feeling his heart crumble as Hyde’s eyes met his.
The confusion was definitely there, but there was also disappointment, and pity, and a myriad of other emotions that only made Gackt’s heart break faster.
“I’m sorry… Gackt, listen. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same way.” He stepped forward, watching the painful emotions painted on his friend’s shocked and distraught features. “I can’t love you. I love women, one woman -my wife. But even if I wasn’t married, I still couldn’t think of you as more than a really good friend.” His pity stung worse than his rejection. “Despite what the media and the fans like to think… and all the fanservice… I’m just… I’m not gay.” He finished, looking up into Gackt’s averted features. “I’m really sorr-“
“No,” Gackt cut him off suddenly, quickly masking most of his hurt with the same façade he used while working with the media. “I know that.” He paused for a split second, during which Hyde’s confusion doubled. “N-neither am I…”
Again, he was sure by the ensuing silence that Hyde was raising the eyebrow.
“It’s true. I like women, not guys… And you’re my friend anyway, so…”
“So why did you just…” Hyde lowered his voice, hearing footsteps approach them from around the bend in the hall. “…kiss me?”
“Oh, that? That’s… how I greet all of my friends.” He lied, wincing at how stupid it sounded but not stopping stupider words from following it. “It’s… to show you all how much I love being really good friends with you. It’s like… trust. A show of trust…. And tight bonds… and…. Yes.”
“Uh huh…”
You passed them, nodding apologetically for cutting through their conversation.
“It’s true!” Gackt assured him urgently, shifting uncomfortably for a second before turning towards the violinist. “You!” He called his name, and the tall blonde man turned around, looking surprised as Gackt reached out to catch his hands, and even more surprised when the singer pulled him into a kiss.
Of course, this kiss was awkward -lacking any passion- and it was too short and You was too surprised to respond before it was over, and he was left blushing bright red while Gackt cleared his throat and settled back on his feet.
“Err, yes. Nice to see you, You.” Gackt attempted to sound casual, gently nudging You through the doorway to the living room while the violinist raised a hand to his lips, still in a daze. Gackt turned back to Hyde, shoving his hands in his pockets. “See? That’s totally normal behavior for me… It doesn’t mean I love you or anything.”
“Because it’s a show of friendship.”
“Exactly!”
“And we are friends.”
“The best of. Yes.”
Hyde considered this before stepping closer to him, into the light cast into the hall from the living room. He was smiling almost sadly, but spoke as though he hadn’t a care or suspicion in the world. “Well, if that’s all this was about…” He laughed quietly, trailing off. “I’m glad we’re friends, Gacchan, but -if you don’t mind-, I’m gonna go- uh…” He cleared his throat. “Well, I think I’m in the mood for another drink.”
Gackt nodded quickly, steering him into the room. “Good idea… Um, enjoy the party, Haido. I’m going to… check up on Ju-ken… to see how he’s feeling…”
Hyde nodded, smiling that reassuring smile before turning and rubbing his temple as he approached the bar.
Gackt watched him go, jaw clenched, before turning and hurrying down the hall and into the dark of the rest of his house. He sat on the floor in his bedroom, in the small space between his bed and the wall. He could barely see a foot in front of him in the pitch-blackness.
Gackt was fairly certain that Hyde knew how he really felt and had simply played along to preserve their friendship, but shedding a tear in front of him would have ruined the lie…
… And then neither of them could have pretended to believe it.
A/N: Hmmm... This came to me in the middle of the night... during exam week... and so I typed it up, spur of the moment style. Haha, I'm not sure how I feel about it. The end is kinda weird, to me...
But whatever. One thing I do know, is that I have apparently written nothing that is both Gakuhai and happy... so I may have to get on that. Hehe~
Comments please!!
It's been awhile since I posted anything....