[fic] Nino and Pan-chan (2/2)
Nino spends the next two days moping around, both trying to decide what he should do with Pan-chan and trying not to think about it at all. Sho gives him his space and doesn’t bring the subject up again, but he makes a habit of giving Nino encouraging smiles whenever Nino seems noticeably down. Deep down Nino knows what he should do, but he doesn’t know if he can bring himself to the make the decision, or what he’d do afterwards. He’s very confused.
They finish a magazine interview early in the afternoon on that Thursday. Ohno spent the whole interview squashed in Nino’s personal space and acting clingy and mushy enough to keep the interviewer constantly blushing. This is also confusing, not only because Ohno usually never initiates this sort of fan service without it being planned ahead of time, but also because Nino doesn’t feel himself react the way he normally would to the other man’s close proximity. He reasons that he’s just too distracted by his internal dilemma.
Jun and Nino are the last to leave when it’s over, and Jun insists they go grab lunch together instead of going their separate ways.
“I haven’t talked to you much lately, just the two of us.” Is his explanation, and Nino agrees because he doesn’t feel like being rude and Pan-chan won’t be that anxious to see him anyway.
Jun drives them to a café he apparently frequents, and over a well-prepared lunch they talk about the usual topics. The conversation mostly revolves around work, but occasionally touches on different drinking excursions Jun has gone on recently with his friends or new and recommended restaurants and stores that are getting attention lately, or deserve to be. Jun offers to pick up the check without Nino even needing to ask, which is weird, and then suggests they go for a walk and get some ice cream from a vendor near the park. Jun gets strawberry and Nino gets vanilla, and they sit on a bench in the shade while they eat them.
“You’re being awfully nice to me today.” Nino observes, since Jun has paid for the ice creams too. “What’s the occasion?” To his surprise, Jun looks uncomfortable. He turns away and refuses to meet his eyes. “…What?” Nino prods, frowning curiously now.
“Nino,” Jun starts solemnly, dropping his half-finished ice cream in the trash to his left and then folding his hands. “There’s something I have to tell you, and you’re not going to like it.”
Nino stares at him for a long moment, feeling dread well up in the pit of his stomach. “… Tell me.”
Jun takes a deep breath and then turns to face him. “I know about the panda.”
Nino feels his blood run cold. There is something about the way Jun is staring at him that he really doesn’t like. He looks apologetic. “Why are we here?” He chokes out.
“Nino, I’m sorry-“
Nino stands up. The ice cream falls to the gravel path by his feet. “Take me home, Jun.” He demands, voice strained. “Now.”
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Nino sprints from the car to his front door, digging around in his pocket for his keys. The keys are there, but his house key isn’t. “What-?!” He exclaims under his breath, checking again.
Jun reaches past him and turns the handle. It opens.
Nino bounds in and rushes from room to room, but he knows before he’s even checked them all that the house is empty. It feels empty. Pan-chan is gone, and all that’s left is his house key and a note in Aiba’s handwriting. Both are taped to the front of his fridge, and the note says “I’m sorry”.
Nino stands in the kitchen and stares for a long time. He hears Jun come in and stop somewhere behind him.
“…It’s better this way.” Jun says gently. “Masaki has his connections, and he was able to clear this up quietly. Your panda’s where she belongs now.” He pauses like he expects Nino to tell him he’s wrong or lash out.
Nino doesn’t know how to react. He’s angry that this happened behind his back, and that he didn’t get to say goodbye, and that he didn’t make the decision himself. “Please, just go.” Is what he says, and his voice shakes because he feels like he’s barely holding himself together right now.
“…Okay.” Jun says, and he goes.
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The days pass by in a blur. Nino takes on more projects just so he doesn’t have the energy to feel lonely when he goes home. He does his job on camera like a good idol, but he can’t find it in himself to actually communicate with the other members. Aiba apologizes to him profusely on several occasions, and Nino tells him that he isn’t mad but he doesn’t feel like talking about it. Jun and Aiba give him space, almost tip-toeing around him as if he’s a time bomb waiting to go off. Sho doesn’t say a word to him off camera, though he frequently looks like he wants to. Nino is constantly aware of Sho’s eyes following him, expression pained, but he can’t bring himself to return his gaze. Nino always turns away.
More than a week has passed when Ohno pulls him aside after the filming for an episode of VS Arashi. The hall Ohno leads him to is far from the business of the studio. There are plenty of storage rooms, but nobody else is around. Ohno turns to him with a gentle expression. “You’re still upset about what happened.” He says, and it’s an observation, not a question.
Nino looks down at his feet. Ohno had given no indication that he knew about what went down, but obviously he hasn’t been left out of the loop. He never is as oblivious as he appears to be.
“That’s okay.” Ohno continues, and before Nino realizes what’s happening, Ohno has wrapped him up in a warm hug. Ohno rests his chin on Nino’s shoulder, and Nino presses his nose into the crook of Ohno’s neck. He can feel Ohno’s heartbeat thumping steady in his chest, and he’s surprised to realize that his own pulse isn’t even accelerating. He just feels calm, and content.
“… I miss having her around.” He says quietly.
He feels Ohno nod. “How long will you be angry with MatsuJun and Aiba-chan?” He asks calmly, not sounding the slightest bit accusing.
Nino wraps his arms a little tighter around Ohno’s back. “I’m not angry… I just don’t know why this happened the way it did. I wish they’d talked to me first.”
“They thought you’d try to stop them. They were worried about you, so they acted a little rashly.”
“I know they meant well.”
“…Are you mad at Sho-kun?” Ohno asks.
Nino takes a long moment to answer. “Maybe.”
“He meant well too.”
“Maybe, but he said he’d let me make the decision and then went behind my back and made one for me.”
“Aiba mentioned to Jun that you had a bite mark on your arm that didn’t look like it was from a domestic animal. Jun got worried and told Sho. I don’t think Sho would have said anything otherwise.”
Nino sighs. “…She wasn’t vicious, you know.”
“Sho told us that she was friendly, but Jun said we couldn’t risk you getting more badly hurt or getting into any legal trouble. Aiba-chan made the arrangements for everything and Jun, as you know, distracted you long enough to take her away. They didn’t tell Sho they were doing it, because he would have tried to warn you.” Ohno pauses, his hand rubs up and down Nino’s back reassuringly. “He wanted them to let you decide, but they were afraid you’d make the wrong decision.”
“I wanted to let her go, but I didn’t know how to do it myself.” Nino sighs. “I just… didn’t want this to happen the way it did. You know?”
“Yeah.” Ohno nods, holding him a little tighter. “Things will get better, but you should talk to Sho. He feels really guilty.”
“Yeah… I will.”
Ohno starts humming something that sounds suspiciously like a song from The Little Mermaid, and rocks them back and forth to the rhythm.
Nino grins and allows himself to be led for a minute. “Hey,” he says after a while, “what part did you play in this whole scheme?”
Ohno chuckles a little sheepishly. “I stole your key…”
“You did?” Nino frowns. “When? I had it with me the whole time…”
“During the interview. Aiba-chan said I was probably the only one who could stick his hand in your pants without it being suspicious…”
Nino laughs hard enough that he cries, but it feels good. It feels a lot like letting go.
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It takes him three days to find the courage to contact Sho. In the end, it’s because he has a day off and spending it alone in his house is daunting. He asks Sho to meet him at the park Jun took him to that day. Sho replies almost immediately and says he can be there by four.
Nino spends the afternoon napping, waking up in time to change his clothes and tidy himself up. He drives to the park in silence and gets there at quarter to. Sho is already waiting for him.
“Hey.” Sho says, standing up awkwardly from the bench where he was sitting. He’s wearing a black ball cap and an old Keio sweater with the hood bunched up around his neck. It’s a little chilly, and Nino wonders how long he was waiting.
“Hi.” Nino responds, stopping a few steps away from him. Suddenly he doesn’t know what to say and there’s an awkward silence.
“About what happened…” Sho starts apprehensively.
Nino shakes his head. “Oh-chan told me everything. Don’t worry, I-… I don’t blame you.”
Sho considers this. “…I’m still sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut.”
Nino shrugs. “Whatever. It’s over now anyway.”
Sho nods, shuffling his feet uncomfortably.
There’s a vendor selling fries and burgers from a stall on the bend in the path ahead. The smell of grease and salt is carried towards them on a cold breeze and Nino immediately craves something hot and unhealthy. “Let’s get something to eat.” He says, shoving his hands deep in his coat pockets and trudging down the path. Sho follows, keeping step beside him. The leaves above them rustle and the gravel crunches beneath their feet. Nino orders for them both, even going so far as to shove Sho’s hand away and pay for both meals himself as a token of good will. He flashes Sho a smile while their food is handed over, and then reaches out and shoves a fry in his mouth. When Sho laughs and shoves him, he knows things are going back to normal.
They walk as they eat, talking about safe topic like work and their mutual friends. By the time they’ve made a loop of the park the sun has set and Nino has almost forgotten about the earlier tension. He feels lighter, almost drunk on the humorous conversation they’ve been having. “Well,” he says with a pleased sigh as they slow to a stop. Cars pass by on the street above but the park is softly lit and quiet, like it is worlds away from the rest of the city around them.
“Thanks for inviting me out.” Sho says earnestly, he looks so relieved that it’s almost comical.
“No problem.” Nino says casually, shoving his hands in his pockets and watching the red glow of taillights pass them by. “I’m glad we’re okay.”
“Me too.” Sho agrees. Three teenage girls come around the bend in the path and the two of them duck their heads until they’ve passed. “…I missed hanging out like this. It’s been awhile.”
“It has.” Nino nods. “A week and five days.” He observes for the second time in several months.
A grin spreads slow and lopsided on Sho’s face. “You’ve been counting?” He asks.
Nino smiles back. “Yeah, I have.” Is what he says this time.
Sho pauses as if he has something more to say, and then drops his gaze with an awkward chuckle. “Nino…” He starts, and takes a deep breath before lifting his head again. He pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket and holds it out. “Here.”
Nino takes the paper tentatively. “What’s this?” He asks as he unfolds it. Inside is a name and an address scrawled in a messy jumble of characters.
Sho watches nervously as his eyes scan the paper. “I convinced Aiba to write down where Pan-chan is living now. It’s a new panda conservation group at Ueno Zoo, they’ve been trying to breed pandas and raise the offspring in captivity, with surrogate mothers. Aiba said that’s where your Pan-chan came from. A couple of the babies got away from the facility and wandered off while the keepers weren’t looking. They found one, but the other went missing.”
“But… my place is nowhere near Ueno Zoo… Pan-chan was so tiny back then, she could never have gone all that way on her own.” Nino frowns. “And there was a tag around her neck that said ‘a gift for you’…”
Sho shrugs. “Maybe a crazy fan found her and thought she’d make a nice present?”
Nino blinks. “…Maybe I should change my address…”
“In any case, Aiba said a friend of his who wanted to remain anonymous found her in the woods and asked Aiba for advice about what he should do with her. The conservationists were more than happy to take her back without any fuss, particularly because they’d tried to avoid a scandalous media investigation by being quiet about the fact that she’d gone missing in the first place.” Sho continues, fidgeting with the worn cuffs of his sweater. “So you don’t have to worry about getting into any trouble.”
Nino nods and folds the paper again. “Thanks, Sho.”
Sho waves him off as Nino shoves the paper into his jeans pocket and they both begin walking up to the street. “Aiba made all the arrangements; I just bothered him into telling me the details.”
Nino chuckles as they part ways on the sidewalk. “Then thank you for being so annoying for my sake.”
Sho’s smile is pleased and lit up brilliantly by the headlights of a passing van as he watches Nino go. “Any time!” He calls.
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At about 3 am, Nino dials Sho’s cell number.
“Is everything okay?” Is how Sho answers, sounding groggy with sleep but notably concerned.
Nino feels bad for waking him, but he can’t sleep until the question that’s been plaguing him since he got home is answered. The paper containing Aiba’s crude handwriting is clutched tight in his hand. “Everything’s fine. Sorry I’m calling so late…”
Sho waits patiently for him to continue.
“Um, I have a question.” Nino folds and unfolds the paper again. “That Panda Conservation thing… can people visit that?”
Sho hums thoughtfully, probably not awake enough to come up with an immediate answer. “I don’t think people normally can, but Aiba has connections there because of TSD. And they owe him for bringing Pan-chan back… If you called him he could probably get you in to visit her.”
“…Cool. That’d be great.”
“Yeah.” They fall silent for another moment before Sho speaks up again, voice distorted at first by a yawn. “You should get some sleep.” He says. “You’ve got to be up early to film that Shiyagare segment, don’t you?”
He does. His alarm is set to go off at 5:30. “…Hey, Sho-kun?”
“Hm?”
“…Would you come with me, if Aiba says I can go visit her?” He bites his lip, waiting a moment that feels like forever for Sho to answer.
When he does, Sho sounds like he might be smiling. “Sure. I’ll come with you.”
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Nino calls Aiba as soon as he’s done shooting for Shiyagare. He gets his voicemail and decides to leave a panicked message claiming that a Junba sex tape has been leaked to the media and that Aiba should thus call him back immediately to explain himself.
Jun calls him within the hour, and he doesn’t sound very amused. “Very funny, Kazunari.”
“Wasn’t it?”
“No.” Jun deadpans. “That idiot believed you.”
“So you are sleeping with him?”
“Cut it out.” Jun says stuffily. “He assumed they must be look-a-likes in the video, or something.”
Nino cackles.
“He called me, freaking out. I told him you were probably just messing with him, but you’d better tell him yourself before he gets all tied up in a knot over this.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will.” Nino says, and does call Aiba as soon as Jun hangs up. “Yo,” he greets, “you’re way too gullible.”
Aiba makes a noise somewhere between scandalized, distressed, and relieved. “That’s mean, Nino! I almost called Johnny, you know?!”
Nino has to bite his fist to keep from roaring. “Sorry.” He chokes out. “I wanted to ask you for a favor, actually.”
“You’re a little warped if you think that was a way to get on my good side…”Aiba grumbles, but he sounds amused despite himself. Aiba almost always gets a kick out of being pranked, it’s a weird quirk of his and also part of the reason they’ve been such good friends for so long.
“Sorry,” Nino apologizes again anyway, “I was hoping you’d call me back sooner if you were freaking out a little.” He chuckles.
“A little? MatsuJun thought I was going to have a stroke.” Aiba complains, but he’s already laughing about it. “What did you want from me?”
“Actually, Sho-kun and I met up yesterday…”
“Oh…” Aiba drawls suggestively. “You’re looking for advice.”
“Um, no. Why would I want advice from you?”
“Because, I am an expert in matters of the heart!” He exclaims half-seriously. Nino chokes a little. “My expertise is really only with women, but I’ve always thought Sho-chan was a bit of a girl when it came to these things anyway so my knowledge is probably still applicable.”
“…You’re kidding right? I’m not looking for love advice!” Nino exclaims, and then reels himself in because he knows he sounds too flustered. “I’m not looking for advice at all, you idiot.” He hisses.
Aiba laughs long and hard at his expense, and Nino refrains from hurling insults because he probably deserves to be teased a bit after his earlier prank.
“All right, enough.” He snaps after a moment or two. “As I was saying, Sho-kun told me about where Pan-chan is staying.”
“Oh,” Aiba sobers a bit. “Did he? It’s a nice place. She’ll be well cared for and everything. And she can be with other pandas.”
“Yeah, it sounds great.” Nino agrees. “Do you think I could… go there? Sometime?”
“Oh yeah! I figured you would. I’m not mean enough to separate you from her totally, you know.” Aiba chuckles, and Nino smiles too because there’s really no doubt about Aiba’s good intentions. “Just give me a couple days, okay? Um, Saturday morning I can meet you there if you want.”
“Okay.” Nino answers, a little surprised that Aiba’s coming though that should probably have been a given. “Um, Sho-kun is coming too, if that’s fine.”
“Course he can.” Aiba says, and Nino can hear the irritatingly huge grin in his voice. “You sure you don’t want any advice?”
“Shut up.” Nino growls, and then on second thought adds a clipped “Thank you” before hanging up. He texts Sho to tell him the date and time of their excursion.
Sho texts back and says he’ll make sure he’s free.
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It’s just past nine when they arrive at the centre. Aiba is waiting outside and he greets them both as excitedly as if he hadn’t just seen them the day before. It’s a fairly plain building, inside and out. Aiba introduces them to all the keepers that work there and they’re taken on a tour to see all six of the young pandas being raised at the centre. It’s a nice as Aiba said it would be. The pandas are playing in an enclosure that looks like something out of the forest, clambering over logs and rocks and each other. They’ve all been given Chinese names, but Aiba quietly points out which one is his Pan-chan while their tour guide is busy explaining the daily care schedule to Sho.
“Can we play with them?” Aiba asks, because Nino doesn’t have the guts to.
The tour guide looks a little wary, but Aiba’s grin is persuasive and he can be sensible when he’s dealing with animals. He lets them into the room after they’ve changed into the same white jumpers that the keepers wear and have thoroughly washed their hands.
Nino is suddenly struck by a case of nerves as the keeper shuts the door behind them. Pan-chan looks so happy roughhousing with the other pandas. He’s excited to see her again, but afraid that she won’t even care that he came. Sho catches his eye and gives him an encouraging half-smile, and the group of them crouch down on the dirt floor.
The keeper calls out and the pandas, noticing their presence, all come waddling and tumbling over. Pan is snuffling around the keeper, and Nino tries his hardest to act like he’s giving the other animals his full attention, and not only focusing on one in particular.
He’s just starting to feel discouraged (only mildly cheered up by how stiff and nervous Sho gets when the biggest of the pandas starts sniffing his ear) when a furry head shoves its way under his arm from behind him, forcing him to stop petting one of the babies that Aiba is fawning over. He looks down in surprise and immediately recognizes the eyes staring up at him from a black mask. A grin spreads on his face. “Hi, Pan-chan.” He whispers, and is immediately bowled over by her trying to lick his face and paw at him. He can’t stop laughing, there are tears in his eyes and the keeper probably thinks he’s crazy, but he doesn’t even care. “I missed you.” He says, wrapping his arms around her strong frame and burying his face in her fur.
Pan-chan hugs him back.
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There’s only so long they can stay at the centre before they overstay their welcome. Aiba has work to do elsewhere in the afternoon, but Nino and Sho decide to make their way to the zoo and walk around for a bit. A bit turns into multiple hours of going exhibit to exhibit. Nino doesn’t think he’s felt so light in ages, and he suspects he might not have stopped smiling since the reunion with Pan. His face certainly feels like he hasn’t; the muscles are stiff and sore, but he’s still so damn cheerful that he doesn’t have the heart to care.
When the zoo closes at five they walk to a soba stall to eat, slurping noodles and sake until the sun has set over the trees of Ueno Park and they’re both full and pleasantly buzzed. Nino heaves a content sigh, stretching on the sidewalk while Sho pays for their meals. “Ready to go?” Sho says as he turns around, pocketing his wallet, and Nino nods.
They walk side by side down the sidewalk, making small talk as they go. It isn’t that late, but the street they’re on is surprisingly quiet. “Thanks for coming with me today.” Nino says. The bright lights of a train station are visible a couple blocks ahead and they continue ambling towards them.
Sho smiles. “No problem. I’m glad you invited me.” He slows down, watching the street light above them flicker. It burns out as they pass below it, throwing their section of the sidewalk into darkness. “You should invite me again sometime.”
“Why?” He questions. Sho stops walking entirely and Nino turns to face him. “I thought big animals made you uncomfortable?”
“But I had fun today.” Sho says, taking off his cap and ruffling his fingers through his hair in an attempt to get rid of his hat head. It doesn’t really work, but the dorkiness of it is endearing and it’s so dark where they are that even if someone passed they’d be unlikely to recognize either of them.
Nino laughs quietly. “Sho-kun having fun playing with bears. That’s surprising.”
Sho smiles almost nervously. “I think I could get used to the bears, eventually.” He says, inching closer. “I just-… I like spending time with you. I really like it.”
Nino swallows, feeling his eyes go wide on their own as he realizes how close they’re standing. They’re standing on a sidewalk in the dark, just the two of them. Sho’s fingers brush against his arm, and close loosely around his elbow as if he thinks the bone will shatter with just the slightest pressure. “…Sho?” He forces out, his voice sounds faint in the closing space between them. We’ll miss the next train he thinks briefly, but he can’t bring himself to move or stop what he suspects is about to happen.
“Kazu, I-“ Sho starts in a voice that’s barely a whisper. He hesitates for a heart stopping moment, so close that Nino can’t focus on his features without going cross-eyed, and then -with a deep breath for courage- Sho kisses him.
It isn’t anything like Nino has imagined it would be if one day he was on the receiving end of a group member’s love, lust, or curiosity. And he has imagined it, yes, because fanfiction is out there, and most of it is slash, and he is often very bored. But Sho’s kiss is not overflowing with undying passion or barely restrained sexual frustration. In fact, it’s almost painfully normal. Nino might even say that the short and uneventful press of lips against his own is a bit anticlimactic after the shock he felt while Sho was leaning in.
Sho looks like he can tell Nino is unimpressed and, when Nino looks closer, he sees the older man’s hands shaking. As if following his gaze, Sho shoves his hands into his sweater pockets and proceeds to swallow awkwardly. Nino proceeds to feel bad.
“Sho…”
“I’m sorry.” Sho rushes, taking a step backwards.
“Hold on,” Nino frowns, “You don’t need to apologize.”
“Sorr-… ‘K.” Sho bites his lip.
Nino rolls his eyes. “Sho. …You kissed me?”
Sho nods, staring to the side, at the ground, anywhere but at Nino’s face. He seems to have fallen mute.
“Why?” Nino continues, figuring that is the most important point to get to.
Sho sighs heavily and scuffs his boot against the cement. His shoulders are sloping more than they usually do. “I… wanted to?”
“Are you asking me?” Nino snorts, and then nudges Sho’s boot with the toe of his own. “Hey, tell me why you wanted to.”
“…You’re going to make me say it?”
Nino rolls his eyes again. “You had the courage to kiss me, but not to confess? Don’t be a baby.”
“You figured it out anyway, without me saying anything about confessing…”
“Random kisses like that usually are accompanied by confessions, aren’t they?” Nino clicks his tongue. “It was the obvious conclusion, I just wanted to hear you say it.”
Sho bites his lip a moment longer before he finds the determination to look up from the pavement. “I love you.” He announces; voice quiet, and deep, and almost hoarse.
Nino blinks, caught off guard by the sincerity in Sho’s tone. Sho’s eyes are dark and bright all at once, and suddenly Nino is the one who feels uncomfortable meeting his gaze.
“I do. Probably for a few years now… but you were distracted so I didn’t want to say anything.”
“Distracted?”
Sho looks uncomfortable. “By Ohno-kun, right?”
“Oh-chan?” Nino blinks again, and then frowns. He thinks for a second before he speaks. “… I don’t think I love him.” He says honestly, only mildly surprised by this revelation. What he once felt for Ohno seems now like a boyhood crush that he has finally put behind him.
Sho steps closer and his hands leave his pockets. Nino’s heart starts dancing and Sho smiles crookedly. “Good.” Sho says quietly, one of his hands skittering up to the crook of Nino’s arm while the other fingers the short dark hairs at the nape of Nino’s neck. “I’m glad.”
The second time Sho kisses him is a lot more like he’s imagined, and maybe even better. They have to catch a later train, but neither of them honestly care.
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Nino goes to pester the staff at the Panda Conservation Centre every few months. They’ve grown to look forward to his visits, and while Nino loves visiting his Pan-chan, he’s okay with spending the months between visits without her. He’s never lonely anymore.
Aiba no longer bothers accompanying him on these visits (though he calls a lot and leaves voicemails full of ‘advice’), but Sho always tags along. He’s gotten more comfortable around the big black and white animals, and the biggest one has taken a particular liking to him -much to Sho’s initial distress. Sho and Nino usually make a day of these trips. They walk through the park or visit the museums, eat cheap food from the vendors and stalls along the way, and ride the train home together.
And sometimes, if the train isn’t busy, and nobody’s paying attention to them, they’ll call it a date and hold hands.
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THE END
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