Change of Attitude
I was going to write about paranoia. Working in forensics for twenty years can certainly have that affect on a person. But with conscious effort the feeling can pass; old attitudes can and do change.
I cannot imagine any of my family passing. And yet I do. Funny how imagination can sometimes do that. The one thing you don't want to think about fills your mind with nightmarish scenarios with horrible outcomes.
But this is what we live with, those of us from the field.
I am feeling much better about things since leaving that world behind, but the remnants still remain, like seeds ready to grow.
I only recently stopped cringing while watching the evening news. It took a year before I became somewhat removed from those tragedies. That is not to say I am not moved by tragic events - I am. Only now I won't be talking to the grieving families of the people on the boat that sank or the house that burned or the plane that crashed.
Except that my friend was on that plane.
I've seen a lot of death in my time. It is tragic and unreal so we adjust. But when it strikes close to home everything changes. Everything.
Those seeds of paranoia germinate quickly, blossoming with those old familiar feelings of dread and despair. Some unforeseen tragic event is coming.
However, with this realization comes peace. When I understand that there are some things that I cannot control, cannot prevent, no matter how cautious my actions, I realize I should not dwell on them. Live carefully, yes, but think about life not death. Live joyfully, for sooner or later we are all going to the Dead Man's Party, so we must make the most of this life.
We may not be able change what happens, but we can change our attitude.
I cannot imagine any of my family passing. And yet I do. Funny how imagination can sometimes do that. The one thing you don't want to think about fills your mind with nightmarish scenarios with horrible outcomes.
But this is what we live with, those of us from the field.
I am feeling much better about things since leaving that world behind, but the remnants still remain, like seeds ready to grow.
I only recently stopped cringing while watching the evening news. It took a year before I became somewhat removed from those tragedies. That is not to say I am not moved by tragic events - I am. Only now I won't be talking to the grieving families of the people on the boat that sank or the house that burned or the plane that crashed.
Except that my friend was on that plane.
I've seen a lot of death in my time. It is tragic and unreal so we adjust. But when it strikes close to home everything changes. Everything.
Those seeds of paranoia germinate quickly, blossoming with those old familiar feelings of dread and despair. Some unforeseen tragic event is coming.
However, with this realization comes peace. When I understand that there are some things that I cannot control, cannot prevent, no matter how cautious my actions, I realize I should not dwell on them. Live carefully, yes, but think about life not death. Live joyfully, for sooner or later we are all going to the Dead Man's Party, so we must make the most of this life.
We may not be able change what happens, but we can change our attitude.