quiet now
An interesting observation from earlier this afternoon: I very rarely put myself in situations where there is little or no stimulus. To be in a room with one thing to do and no reason to leave is overwhelming, and so I encumber myself with myriad distractions and helpmeets. A portable speaker here, a notebook there, and before you know it I'm carrying lipstick and a set of allen wrenches and constantly having to take everything out of my bag and put it back in just to get comfortable.
I observed this and immediately stopped and sat down on the floor of my bedroom in front of the large floor mirror. If I can admit that this is happening, then I can allow it to happen without contributing my own labor to the process. As I sat still on the floor, my body naturally relaxed into the wakeful but resting postures of meditation - legs entwined in half-lotus (it's not like I'm actually practicing this enough to go all the way) and arms outstretched, middle finger and thumb touching atop my knee as my hips slowly sank and made room for my back to straighten, raising my shoulders and pulling them back in the same motion to resist where they connected to my knees.
As I did this, with eyes closed at first and then open, I was able to semi-methodically recall the central characters of The Wheel of Time, a series of novels on which I have spent perhaps too much of my awareness in this life. I was able to wander through and name a steadily-growing number of landmarks in what had only moments ago been a dim region of memory: Rand and Tam a;'Thor of the Two Rivers, Mattrim Cauthon, Perrin and Faile and Egwene and Nynaeve and al'Lan Mandragoran and the Aes Sedia and the Aiel and Asmodean and Toman Head and Pedron Niall and Elayne and Min and Far Madding and the White Tower and the Blight and ter'angreal and sa'angreal and all of these nonsense things I hadn't thought of in ages. It's all still there! Who knew?
I was also able to find more space to empathize with [redacted], Karen, and Mark - all prime antagonists at the moment. To feel things I hadn't had to - the way the muscles that have locked up in Mark's leg immobilize him, the way Karen's need not to be seen paralyzes her, the way [redacted]'s helplessness and abjection rob her of her agency and cause her to lash out. It all still hurts me, but I can understand it a little better, and perhaps aggravate their symptoms less in future interactions.
I observed this and immediately stopped and sat down on the floor of my bedroom in front of the large floor mirror. If I can admit that this is happening, then I can allow it to happen without contributing my own labor to the process. As I sat still on the floor, my body naturally relaxed into the wakeful but resting postures of meditation - legs entwined in half-lotus (it's not like I'm actually practicing this enough to go all the way) and arms outstretched, middle finger and thumb touching atop my knee as my hips slowly sank and made room for my back to straighten, raising my shoulders and pulling them back in the same motion to resist where they connected to my knees.
As I did this, with eyes closed at first and then open, I was able to semi-methodically recall the central characters of The Wheel of Time, a series of novels on which I have spent perhaps too much of my awareness in this life. I was able to wander through and name a steadily-growing number of landmarks in what had only moments ago been a dim region of memory: Rand and Tam a;'Thor of the Two Rivers, Mattrim Cauthon, Perrin and Faile and Egwene and Nynaeve and al'Lan Mandragoran and the Aes Sedia and the Aiel and Asmodean and Toman Head and Pedron Niall and Elayne and Min and Far Madding and the White Tower and the Blight and ter'angreal and sa'angreal and all of these nonsense things I hadn't thought of in ages. It's all still there! Who knew?
I was also able to find more space to empathize with [redacted], Karen, and Mark - all prime antagonists at the moment. To feel things I hadn't had to - the way the muscles that have locked up in Mark's leg immobilize him, the way Karen's need not to be seen paralyzes her, the way [redacted]'s helplessness and abjection rob her of her agency and cause her to lash out. It all still hurts me, but I can understand it a little better, and perhaps aggravate their symptoms less in future interactions.