*Sigh*
So, I'm back to being my old self again. Yay!
Tonight isn't really going well. I have come to a conclusion...and it's a painful one. I fucked up, folks. I had something wonderful, and I threw it away...because I didn't think I was worthy enough to have it. What did my self-loathing get me? Lonelyness, and the loss of a wonderful friend.
I don't know what it is...why I care so much...but...I do.
I'm sitting here, thinking about my life...and all i can think about is how completly fucked up i've made it. "I wanna be a writer...." but I diliberatly fail my english classes because I believe that they are below me... "I will get off my ass and get my licens this week" yet I end up throwing everything away to game... Dice are fucking up my life... I spend too much time worring about my next adventrue than I do worring about how i'm going to fix my fucked up existance.
It's not worth trying anymore... I mean, I just keep messing everything up. I fail at everything i try to do. And if i don't fail imeadeatly then I end up doing it later on.
Getting away from all of that...I'm going to try to think rationaly.
I have a feeling what really messed things up for me. I started seeing Sarah. At that time Wendy was still talking to me. However, a few times I ended up talking to Sarah instead of Wendy. Because, well, I was seeing Sarah at the time. See where I'm going folks? Because I ignroed the one person that ever truely came across as caring about me...karamah bit me in the ass. I lost big time. Not only did I end up stick with someone (even though it was 2 weeks) that really only cared when she needed something...by that I mean, I was last resort by the end of everything...which is why the friendship didn't work...and is why I previously wrote "I feel used" when refearding to her.
Thing is, I never really stopped caring for Wendy...I just dindn't want the wound to continusly get deeper, ya know? So, I figured that if I tried to find someone else...and patched up the hole, it would all be ok...i was wrong.
You can't just walk away from a relationship that lasted that long. 4 years, almost 5... And now...she doesn't even talk to me anymore.
Thanks forces of the universe. HAVEN'T I FUCKING LEARNED MY LESSON YET!? Everything I do is doomed to fail. I fuck up once, and everything is shot to hell for the rest of my life. "Everything I touch I break...", to quote lyrics...
Oh well... You get what you give, i guess... I didn't put enough into the relationship...so...I get nothing now. Everythign happens for a reason. I don'tlike the reason. But It has to happen.
I'm finished...
Tonight isn't really going well. I have come to a conclusion...and it's a painful one. I fucked up, folks. I had something wonderful, and I threw it away...because I didn't think I was worthy enough to have it. What did my self-loathing get me? Lonelyness, and the loss of a wonderful friend.
I don't know what it is...why I care so much...but...I do.
I'm sitting here, thinking about my life...and all i can think about is how completly fucked up i've made it. "I wanna be a writer...." but I diliberatly fail my english classes because I believe that they are below me... "I will get off my ass and get my licens this week" yet I end up throwing everything away to game... Dice are fucking up my life... I spend too much time worring about my next adventrue than I do worring about how i'm going to fix my fucked up existance.
It's not worth trying anymore... I mean, I just keep messing everything up. I fail at everything i try to do. And if i don't fail imeadeatly then I end up doing it later on.
Getting away from all of that...I'm going to try to think rationaly.
I have a feeling what really messed things up for me. I started seeing Sarah. At that time Wendy was still talking to me. However, a few times I ended up talking to Sarah instead of Wendy. Because, well, I was seeing Sarah at the time. See where I'm going folks? Because I ignroed the one person that ever truely came across as caring about me...karamah bit me in the ass. I lost big time. Not only did I end up stick with someone (even though it was 2 weeks) that really only cared when she needed something...by that I mean, I was last resort by the end of everything...which is why the friendship didn't work...and is why I previously wrote "I feel used" when refearding to her.
Thing is, I never really stopped caring for Wendy...I just dindn't want the wound to continusly get deeper, ya know? So, I figured that if I tried to find someone else...and patched up the hole, it would all be ok...i was wrong.
You can't just walk away from a relationship that lasted that long. 4 years, almost 5... And now...she doesn't even talk to me anymore.
Thanks forces of the universe. HAVEN'T I FUCKING LEARNED MY LESSON YET!? Everything I do is doomed to fail. I fuck up once, and everything is shot to hell for the rest of my life. "Everything I touch I break...", to quote lyrics...
Oh well... You get what you give, i guess... I didn't put enough into the relationship...so...I get nothing now. Everythign happens for a reason. I don'tlike the reason. But It has to happen.
I'm finished...