(no subject)
Well, I had a real realisation.
Then I tried to make Dima understand it, and he thinks he does know what I am saying, but he does not. Rather he has twisted it all somehow and so we argue pointlessly, and I exhaustedly decided to leave off it and write instead.
Funny how some things right in front of you can be a problem for a very long time until one moment it all clarifies and you have an urgent Need to correct it or act in some way.
Things have been going rather nicely with Dima and I. For the most part we have worked well on changing what was needed or at least talk very thoroughly about the other problems. Nothing was perfect, but a sense of progress and hope is good.
My realisation is that Dima's personality has changed hugely since we met. It is a laughable thing to finally note so strongly, but I guess sometimes even if you see "notice" something the scope of it takes a long time to strike your thoughts?
So, I knew he had changed due to stress, his job, and the sense of duty he has. I can even admire and be amazed by his ability to focus on things he may not enjoy at all but must do. Not everyone can work and study quite like that. Not everyone can stand to be married to the person who has that ability either.
It seems harsh of me to be so fundamentally unhappy with him for something derived from his desire to provide for us so well. It is harsh. It is also okay to see a problem and call it one, I believe.
Everyone changes. Sometimes it is more drastic?
There are "two" Dimas I know (not referring to the actual other Dimas we have as friends.)
The first Dima is whom I met and fell in love with. He has many aspects of the second Dima, but mainly I would call him thoughtful, persistant, careful, sweet, endearing, romantic, fun, practical, hardworking, focused, balanced, and open.
Some of the traits have taken over with time and a stressful career.
Now he is almost always: Hardworking, focused, rigid, cold, distant...
Daily. At supper or any time I try to enjoy things I normally find it so hard to feel like he is there. I speak, and his answers are delayed and without much emotion. He fixes his gaze on the adverts (not the show, but the Adverts) while I tell him some small thing. He laughs and smiles far more at Malish than at me. He only acts affectionate when he remembers and therefore makes an effort. He must make an effort to even remember to make conversation.
I always end up feeling rebuffed, underappreciated, inconsequential, nervous, needy, and just plain sad.
Sometimes, when he has eaten well and has a little free time, or if we go someplace on a weekend with a light workload, or on the yearly holiday the first Dima emerges for a little while.
I actually enjoy being around Dima1. Even with silence. Dima1 holds my hand, smiles, talks easily, and relaxes.
Dima2 and I just don't get along well, and I don't want to try.
So, I have noticed finally that this is the case. I do not see any reasonable need to live all of my life with a majority of Dima2. When I am around him my own worst traits tend to emerge with the frustration, and right off the bat I simply do not enjoy life at all with Dima2. And he is the one around most of the time.
Simple.
You have to know what you want, eh, and that involves the details of the matter.
So, now I know what I suspect is the prime aspect of my marital woes. To bad Dima does not seem to quite absorb it. I think he might be feeling attacked for the aspects he expects to be most valued for.
He believes that the most important role he has in our marriage is to provide stable, sufficient income and insurance. It *is* important, no doubt. However it should not suck the joy out of life should it?
blah, blah, blah.
Then I tried to make Dima understand it, and he thinks he does know what I am saying, but he does not. Rather he has twisted it all somehow and so we argue pointlessly, and I exhaustedly decided to leave off it and write instead.
Funny how some things right in front of you can be a problem for a very long time until one moment it all clarifies and you have an urgent Need to correct it or act in some way.
Things have been going rather nicely with Dima and I. For the most part we have worked well on changing what was needed or at least talk very thoroughly about the other problems. Nothing was perfect, but a sense of progress and hope is good.
My realisation is that Dima's personality has changed hugely since we met. It is a laughable thing to finally note so strongly, but I guess sometimes even if you see "notice" something the scope of it takes a long time to strike your thoughts?
So, I knew he had changed due to stress, his job, and the sense of duty he has. I can even admire and be amazed by his ability to focus on things he may not enjoy at all but must do. Not everyone can work and study quite like that. Not everyone can stand to be married to the person who has that ability either.
It seems harsh of me to be so fundamentally unhappy with him for something derived from his desire to provide for us so well. It is harsh. It is also okay to see a problem and call it one, I believe.
Everyone changes. Sometimes it is more drastic?
There are "two" Dimas I know (not referring to the actual other Dimas we have as friends.)
The first Dima is whom I met and fell in love with. He has many aspects of the second Dima, but mainly I would call him thoughtful, persistant, careful, sweet, endearing, romantic, fun, practical, hardworking, focused, balanced, and open.
Some of the traits have taken over with time and a stressful career.
Now he is almost always: Hardworking, focused, rigid, cold, distant...
Daily. At supper or any time I try to enjoy things I normally find it so hard to feel like he is there. I speak, and his answers are delayed and without much emotion. He fixes his gaze on the adverts (not the show, but the Adverts) while I tell him some small thing. He laughs and smiles far more at Malish than at me. He only acts affectionate when he remembers and therefore makes an effort. He must make an effort to even remember to make conversation.
I always end up feeling rebuffed, underappreciated, inconsequential, nervous, needy, and just plain sad.
Sometimes, when he has eaten well and has a little free time, or if we go someplace on a weekend with a light workload, or on the yearly holiday the first Dima emerges for a little while.
I actually enjoy being around Dima1. Even with silence. Dima1 holds my hand, smiles, talks easily, and relaxes.
Dima2 and I just don't get along well, and I don't want to try.
So, I have noticed finally that this is the case. I do not see any reasonable need to live all of my life with a majority of Dima2. When I am around him my own worst traits tend to emerge with the frustration, and right off the bat I simply do not enjoy life at all with Dima2. And he is the one around most of the time.
Simple.
You have to know what you want, eh, and that involves the details of the matter.
So, now I know what I suspect is the prime aspect of my marital woes. To bad Dima does not seem to quite absorb it. I think he might be feeling attacked for the aspects he expects to be most valued for.
He believes that the most important role he has in our marriage is to provide stable, sufficient income and insurance. It *is* important, no doubt. However it should not suck the joy out of life should it?
blah, blah, blah.