(no subject)
To follow up on CMZ's most recent entry . . .
I'm not going to sugar-coat things - I'm an arrogant person, always have been, and in any situation where I feel confident I tend to take charge as a matter of course. I'm open to the possibility that I'm wrong, but typically only in a very theoretical sense. I think democracy is a crock, that your average human being only barely qualifies as sentient, and that the best form of government is some form of benevolent autocracy.
That said, I've always believed (in theory at least) that a romantic relationship should be between equals and that neither party (or 'any party' if that's what you're into =P) should be in charge (at least in regards to the direction of the relationship - allowing room variance according to each individual's strengths in lesser matters is, of course, a different matter). In practice, I've actually tended to put the woman into a dominant position, because while I view myself as an expert in a number of fields, the convoluted dance that is the human mating ritual definitely isn't one of them. -_-; Of course, now that I'm a fair bit older I'd like to believe that I've got a better handle on such matters. Naturally, I'm probably entirely mistaken. =P
Now contrast with my one and only real long-term relationship - anyone who really knew my ex could be forgiven for adopting the belief that I've got a bad case of the White Knights, or that what I'm looking for is someone to dominate. What they really need to keep in mind is that at the time I was every bit as messed up as she was. =P
Anyway, I guess really the point of this long-winded explanation is to say one thing: "It's not really that simple." There are a lot of guys - and I mean A LOT - that are looking for a solid, equal relationship with a female of the species, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they instinctively know how to make it happen, even when they've actually got the female in question at hand. A human being is a work in progress, and there are a ton of things - from personal issues to the basic socialization of a semi-patriarchal society - that can get between a man's good intentions and actual practice. Even the most well-meaning guy is going to end up crossing some type of boundary that you're not happy with - let him know he did it in a manner conducive to positive change, and help him to keep it from happening again. Don't blow it out of proportion, or let it slide and then store it away for later use as ammunition. If you want a relationship of equals, then you need to keep in mind that he's an imperfect individual, because chances are you aren't perfect either.
In conclusion, I'd say there are probably three critical things for women to remember when looking for the sort of guy that wants an equal relationship:
1. Women want an equal relationship. Men want relationships without petty game-playing. Don't hint, ASK. Don't test, CONFRONT. Don't expect, DEMAND. A relationship is a two-way street, and you can't foist on the blame on us males.
2. If you smell bullshit, get out. People are generally much better at detecting BS than they are at passing it off - if you really suspect that a guy isn't sincere about pretty much anything he tells you, get out of that relationship. No ifs, ands, or buts - don't let desperation, self-delusion, or simple raw lust get in the way of your better judgement. Just like there are lots of great guys out there, there are also lots of irredeemable jerks, and trying to turn one into the other isn't a viable relationship strategy.
3. If you don't smell BS, give him the benefit of the doubt. He screwed up, he took a liberty, crossed a line, made you feel like he's trying to run the show. So talk to him about it. In detail. With diagrams and pie charts, if that's what it takes. If he's sincere, he'll listen, and he'll make an effort. There are a lot of sincere guys out there, but sincerity doesn't always include all the pertinent details.
*looks down to see that he's sitting his horse pretty high* Well, I DID warn you at the start of the entry. =P
I'm not going to sugar-coat things - I'm an arrogant person, always have been, and in any situation where I feel confident I tend to take charge as a matter of course. I'm open to the possibility that I'm wrong, but typically only in a very theoretical sense. I think democracy is a crock, that your average human being only barely qualifies as sentient, and that the best form of government is some form of benevolent autocracy.
That said, I've always believed (in theory at least) that a romantic relationship should be between equals and that neither party (or 'any party' if that's what you're into =P) should be in charge (at least in regards to the direction of the relationship - allowing room variance according to each individual's strengths in lesser matters is, of course, a different matter). In practice, I've actually tended to put the woman into a dominant position, because while I view myself as an expert in a number of fields, the convoluted dance that is the human mating ritual definitely isn't one of them. -_-; Of course, now that I'm a fair bit older I'd like to believe that I've got a better handle on such matters. Naturally, I'm probably entirely mistaken. =P
Now contrast with my one and only real long-term relationship - anyone who really knew my ex could be forgiven for adopting the belief that I've got a bad case of the White Knights, or that what I'm looking for is someone to dominate. What they really need to keep in mind is that at the time I was every bit as messed up as she was. =P
Anyway, I guess really the point of this long-winded explanation is to say one thing: "It's not really that simple." There are a lot of guys - and I mean A LOT - that are looking for a solid, equal relationship with a female of the species, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they instinctively know how to make it happen, even when they've actually got the female in question at hand. A human being is a work in progress, and there are a ton of things - from personal issues to the basic socialization of a semi-patriarchal society - that can get between a man's good intentions and actual practice. Even the most well-meaning guy is going to end up crossing some type of boundary that you're not happy with - let him know he did it in a manner conducive to positive change, and help him to keep it from happening again. Don't blow it out of proportion, or let it slide and then store it away for later use as ammunition. If you want a relationship of equals, then you need to keep in mind that he's an imperfect individual, because chances are you aren't perfect either.
In conclusion, I'd say there are probably three critical things for women to remember when looking for the sort of guy that wants an equal relationship:
1. Women want an equal relationship. Men want relationships without petty game-playing. Don't hint, ASK. Don't test, CONFRONT. Don't expect, DEMAND. A relationship is a two-way street, and you can't foist on the blame on us males.
2. If you smell bullshit, get out. People are generally much better at detecting BS than they are at passing it off - if you really suspect that a guy isn't sincere about pretty much anything he tells you, get out of that relationship. No ifs, ands, or buts - don't let desperation, self-delusion, or simple raw lust get in the way of your better judgement. Just like there are lots of great guys out there, there are also lots of irredeemable jerks, and trying to turn one into the other isn't a viable relationship strategy.
3. If you don't smell BS, give him the benefit of the doubt. He screwed up, he took a liberty, crossed a line, made you feel like he's trying to run the show. So talk to him about it. In detail. With diagrams and pie charts, if that's what it takes. If he's sincere, he'll listen, and he'll make an effort. There are a lot of sincere guys out there, but sincerity doesn't always include all the pertinent details.
*looks down to see that he's sitting his horse pretty high* Well, I DID warn you at the start of the entry. =P