Fic: They Can Always Hurt You More (Hawaii Five-0, G)
Title: They can always hurt you more
Author: Alassenya
Fandom: H50 (AU)
Genre: crack!fic, comment fic
Pairing: none really
Rating: G (good grief, what is the world coming to?)
Warnings: chemical weapons, medical countermeasures
Beta: none
Words: 1085
Author's Notes: A few days ago leupagus issued a challenge for people to come up with AUs featuring the most obscure and unusual occupations for our favourite shows. Check out the post - there are some amazing fics in the comments. This is my contribution - if the jargon is too much,try the hyperlinked version at AO3
Summary: The team is marking exams when LtCol Williams makes a terrifying discovery.
As a doctor, Lt Col Williams should have remembered rule #8 of The House of God: THEY CAN ALWAYS HURT YOU MORE.
"Oh my God," he groaned, looking in horror at the exam paper in front of him. "I don't believe it."
"What's that?"
"This ... this cretin has actually listed VX as one of the treatments for BZ exposure."
Major Kelly frowned and scanned the paper he held. "Hmm. So has this one."
Williams looked at Lieutenant Kalakaua, who nodded. "Same here."
He felt a sense of doom settling in his gut, and slowly turned his head. Kelly and Kalakaua followed his gaze to the fourth member of the exam-marking team, who was gazing at the ceiling, his chair tilted back precariously, sucking on the end of his pen.
"Lieutenant Commander McGarrett."
"Mmm?" McGarrett answered, somewhat absently.
"Have you been ... extemporising on the lesson plans again?"
"No, sir." The chair settled back on all four legs and McGarrett looked earnestly at his boss.
"Are you quite sure? Because if I recall correctly, you gave the talk on incapacitating agents this year."
"That's right."
"So, did you take any detours from the straight and narrow path set down for you in the notes?"
"Umm ... not exactly."
"Not exactly," Williams mimicked. "That means yes, doesn't it."
"Errm... "
He sighed. "I don't believe it. No, actually I do believe it, I just don't want to. Tell me you did not teach them this ... Please tell me that you did not instruct twenty six health professionals - including medical officers from five foreign militaries - to use a lethal nerve agent to treat an incapacitating benzilate agent."
McGarrett looked slightly uncomfortable, like a puppy who was just starting to realise that those leather slippers might not have been specially-designed chew-toys. "I might have just ... mentioned it. As a theoretical concept."
Williams glared at him and pleaded with the vengeful gods to grant him laser powers for just three seconds.
McGarrett swallowed. "They have antagonistic actions, after all. BZ is an anti-cholinergic, VX is an acetylcholinesterase inhibitor. It makes sense. Theoretically. As a concept." He cleared his throat.
Williams took a deep, deep breath and counted to ten in his head. "McGarrett, I am quite well aware of the pharmacodynamics of nerve agents in general and VX in particular. I have, after all, been senior instructor on this course for the last three years. What I am not aware of is how your bubbleheaded brain could have thought, for one moment, that this was a good idea, even as a joke. You know how these imbeciles think - everything we tell them is treated as gospel truth. Next thing you know one of them is going to do it for real, and then you, my friend, are going to be explaining yourself to a board of inquiry. And don't think for one second I will back you up because my lesson plans do not, anywhere, say you can use VX as a countermeasure."
McGarrett just gave one his goofy smiles, as if he'd been reassured by Williams' rant. "Relax, colonel, where would they get their hands on VX anyway?"
"You mean, apart from over there?" Kelly noted with a gesture across the road to the Medical Countermeasures Research Laboratory.
"Don't even think about it," growled Williams. His headache was getting worse.
Kalakaua pushed the packet of Oreos towards him. "Have a cookie, boss. You need to keep your blood sugar up at times like this."
Williams took one and bit into it. He knew he shouldn't - his blood pressure was already a matter of concern - but on days like this it was medicinal. Even his ex-wife had admitted that.
"I wouldn't worry about it too much, sir," said Kelly, in that calm, soothing voice he reserved for the really bad days. "VX has never been easy to get on the black market."
"Oh, that makes me feel so much better. Let's hope none of them thinks to substitute sarin or soman instead."
"They'd be a better choice, actually, shorter acting -"
"Shut up, McGarrett."
"I saw a listing for sarin on eBay last week," piped up Kalakaua. "Some guy in Michigan. Was only there a couple of hours though, the feds must have shut it down pretty fast."
"Yeah, they're getting real good at that," McGarrett sighed.
Williams ate the rest of his cookie. He really, really didn't want to think about the implications of that note of regret in McGarrett's voice.
"You sure it was sarin?" asked Kelly.
"Last I looked, O-isopropyl methylphosphonofluoridate still meant sarin," she said, with a grin.
"Nice pronunciation."
"Hey, chemist here. Polysyllables are my bread and butter."
"Do you know if you can still buy uranium ore on Amazon?" asked McGarrett.
"No, it was listed as unavailable last time I checked," Kalakaua reached for the Oreos. "The comments are still funny, though."
Williams wondered, with a sense of desperation, which vengeful god he had annoyed in a previous life, because honestly, he didn't think he'd done anything in this one to deserve being landed with the psycho twins. Not even Kelly's infallible zen aura could make up for this.
He stood up, not caring that his chair fell backwards. "Kelly, Kalakaua, finish marking the exams. Any deviation from the official answers is to be marked down, and I don't care if they complain. McGarrett, come with me. I think it's about time I searched your office again."
McGarrett looked mildly alarmed, and Williams gloated inwardly as they headed into the corridor. "Am I going to find any contraband?" he asked.
"No, sir."
"Are you sure? Because the last time I glanced in there, I saw something that looked distinctly like a castor oil plant."
"Plants are good for offices. They maintain a healthy atmosphere in air-conditioned spaces."
"Ferns and lilies, maybe. Ricinus communis, not so much."
"Aww, come on boss, you took away my aquarium, I need something to brighten the place up."
"I took away your aquarium because you had three blue-ringed octopuses in it."
"They were cute."
"McGarrett, they're poisonous."
"Only a little bit."
"A little bit? Only you could describe a creature that can paralyse a grown man for twelve hours as 'a little bit poisonous'."
McGarrett shrugged. "They were still cute."
Williams shut his eyes and told himself that all he had to do was plead self-defence. It was self-defence, wasn't it, when you killed a subordinate to preserve your own sanity?
This entry was originally posted at http://alassenya.dreamwidth.org/92840.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
Author: Alassenya
Fandom: H50 (AU)
Genre: crack!fic, comment fic
Pairing: none really
Rating: G (good grief, what is the world coming to?)
Warnings: chemical weapons, medical countermeasures
Beta: none
Words: 1085
Author's Notes: A few days ago leupagus issued a challenge for people to come up with AUs featuring the most obscure and unusual occupations for our favourite shows. Check out the post - there are some amazing fics in the comments. This is my contribution - if the jargon is too much,try the hyperlinked version at AO3
Summary: The team is marking exams when LtCol Williams makes a terrifying discovery.
As a doctor, Lt Col Williams should have remembered rule #8 of The House of God: THEY CAN ALWAYS HURT YOU MORE.
"Oh my God," he groaned, looking in horror at the exam paper in front of him. "I don't believe it."
"What's that?"
"This ... this cretin has actually listed VX as one of the treatments for BZ exposure."
Major Kelly frowned and scanned the paper he held. "Hmm. So has this one."
Williams looked at Lieutenant Kalakaua, who nodded. "Same here."
He felt a sense of doom settling in his gut, and slowly turned his head. Kelly and Kalakaua followed his gaze to the fourth member of the exam-marking team, who was gazing at the ceiling, his chair tilted back precariously, sucking on the end of his pen.
"Lieutenant Commander McGarrett."
"Mmm?" McGarrett answered, somewhat absently.
"Have you been ... extemporising on the lesson plans again?"
"No, sir." The chair settled back on all four legs and McGarrett looked earnestly at his boss.
"Are you quite sure? Because if I recall correctly, you gave the talk on incapacitating agents this year."
"That's right."
"So, did you take any detours from the straight and narrow path set down for you in the notes?"
"Umm ... not exactly."
"Not exactly," Williams mimicked. "That means yes, doesn't it."
"Errm... "
He sighed. "I don't believe it. No, actually I do believe it, I just don't want to. Tell me you did not teach them this ... Please tell me that you did not instruct twenty six health professionals - including medical officers from five foreign militaries - to use a lethal nerve agent to treat an incapacitating benzilate agent."
McGarrett looked slightly uncomfortable, like a puppy who was just starting to realise that those leather slippers might not have been specially-designed chew-toys. "I might have just ... mentioned it. As a theoretical concept."
Williams glared at him and pleaded with the vengeful gods to grant him laser powers for just three seconds.
McGarrett swallowed. "They have antagonistic actions, after all. BZ is an anti-cholinergic, VX is an acetylcholinesterase inhibitor. It makes sense. Theoretically. As a concept." He cleared his throat.
Williams took a deep, deep breath and counted to ten in his head. "McGarrett, I am quite well aware of the pharmacodynamics of nerve agents in general and VX in particular. I have, after all, been senior instructor on this course for the last three years. What I am not aware of is how your bubbleheaded brain could have thought, for one moment, that this was a good idea, even as a joke. You know how these imbeciles think - everything we tell them is treated as gospel truth. Next thing you know one of them is going to do it for real, and then you, my friend, are going to be explaining yourself to a board of inquiry. And don't think for one second I will back you up because my lesson plans do not, anywhere, say you can use VX as a countermeasure."
McGarrett just gave one his goofy smiles, as if he'd been reassured by Williams' rant. "Relax, colonel, where would they get their hands on VX anyway?"
"You mean, apart from over there?" Kelly noted with a gesture across the road to the Medical Countermeasures Research Laboratory.
"Don't even think about it," growled Williams. His headache was getting worse.
Kalakaua pushed the packet of Oreos towards him. "Have a cookie, boss. You need to keep your blood sugar up at times like this."
Williams took one and bit into it. He knew he shouldn't - his blood pressure was already a matter of concern - but on days like this it was medicinal. Even his ex-wife had admitted that.
"I wouldn't worry about it too much, sir," said Kelly, in that calm, soothing voice he reserved for the really bad days. "VX has never been easy to get on the black market."
"Oh, that makes me feel so much better. Let's hope none of them thinks to substitute sarin or soman instead."
"They'd be a better choice, actually, shorter acting -"
"Shut up, McGarrett."
"I saw a listing for sarin on eBay last week," piped up Kalakaua. "Some guy in Michigan. Was only there a couple of hours though, the feds must have shut it down pretty fast."
"Yeah, they're getting real good at that," McGarrett sighed.
Williams ate the rest of his cookie. He really, really didn't want to think about the implications of that note of regret in McGarrett's voice.
"You sure it was sarin?" asked Kelly.
"Last I looked, O-isopropyl methylphosphonofluoridate still meant sarin," she said, with a grin.
"Nice pronunciation."
"Hey, chemist here. Polysyllables are my bread and butter."
"Do you know if you can still buy uranium ore on Amazon?" asked McGarrett.
"No, it was listed as unavailable last time I checked," Kalakaua reached for the Oreos. "The comments are still funny, though."
Williams wondered, with a sense of desperation, which vengeful god he had annoyed in a previous life, because honestly, he didn't think he'd done anything in this one to deserve being landed with the psycho twins. Not even Kelly's infallible zen aura could make up for this.
He stood up, not caring that his chair fell backwards. "Kelly, Kalakaua, finish marking the exams. Any deviation from the official answers is to be marked down, and I don't care if they complain. McGarrett, come with me. I think it's about time I searched your office again."
McGarrett looked mildly alarmed, and Williams gloated inwardly as they headed into the corridor. "Am I going to find any contraband?" he asked.
"No, sir."
"Are you sure? Because the last time I glanced in there, I saw something that looked distinctly like a castor oil plant."
"Plants are good for offices. They maintain a healthy atmosphere in air-conditioned spaces."
"Ferns and lilies, maybe. Ricinus communis, not so much."
"Aww, come on boss, you took away my aquarium, I need something to brighten the place up."
"I took away your aquarium because you had three blue-ringed octopuses in it."
"They were cute."
"McGarrett, they're poisonous."
"Only a little bit."
"A little bit? Only you could describe a creature that can paralyse a grown man for twelve hours as 'a little bit poisonous'."
McGarrett shrugged. "They were still cute."
Williams shut his eyes and told himself that all he had to do was plead self-defence. It was self-defence, wasn't it, when you killed a subordinate to preserve your own sanity?
This entry was originally posted at http://alassenya.dreamwidth.org/92840.html. Please comment there using OpenID.