Holy Mindfuck.
So in new news, my sister is in maryland and having another baby.
!! I feel like she is very whole right now. happy and all, and while happiness is a fleeting feeling, I feel like she is enlightened from the way shes been acting.I don't know, is it her aura or some shit?
I love her immensely, and am very proud, Matthew is an actual for real teacher.
Maryland... I think our life just continues going full circle and circling and circling...
I just looked back on a couple of old entries...
One of them was the one where Bush was being re elected..
one of my friends stated something interesting like- "and I'm gonna have to hear about what an asss bush is in a year and see license plate stickers that say bush sucks"
and that was really very true and intelligent.. I was just thinking that because in the school parking lot today I saw about 20 anti bush stickers... and some of them are duplicates of the one my friend vicky has "don't blame me I didn't vote for his daddy either"
people are hypocrites..
anyway..
I feel like life is one extensive movie and foreshadowing is the most important theme...
I also read a diary entry of mine from july 2003 where I went into great detail about how I should break up with my now ex boyfriend because "I really am uncomfortable with the way he fights"
I need to trust my instincts, damn...
this was maybe 2 months into the relationship, our first fight, and maybe 5 months before all hell began to break loose.
Enough about him though, he's done enough consuming and destroying of my life and my sketchbooks and journals... and my potential "relationships" too..
Whether serious or not, I feel like he had a huge hand in making sure what might have happened in this past month would just fall apart and become merely a month of loneliness. At least this is what I feel The Olsen is thinking.. but maybe I'm jumping to conclusions...
It could have been really fun. Someone I have loads in common with, that was there the whole time, who I thought of, but never REALLY considered in that way.. and there wasn't even a chance to SEE what might have happened.
And I can't wait around, I REFUSE to compete with history, especially since I of all people understand the strong hold it could have on you. Its not about giving up on something I truly very much want, its about having respect for myself. I'm a good friend and I'll be there as O is miserable, but not everyday, and not like I was... unlesss...
well anyway this brings me to the topic of power. Exes. HAVE soooo much . power.
Anybody could tell you you are terrible and worthless and not what they thought you were "disappointing" and etc etc, but no one will truly make you feel it like your ex.
No one will truly make you question yourself, but what we need to remember is who we were before they were around, the good they brought out of us and the bad they brought out of us. Obviously we gotta leave the bad, but if this bad is soooo bad then maybe its their fault that it got that bad? Is this making any sense? no... I can't put into words what I'm thinking..
Everything runs its course, some things are over before they start, and some things end way too late- ahemexampledomahem-
AS i so wisely and pretentiously once said to smush while stuck in my sliding closet in my old room "shouldn't I go forward? there would be no sense in taking backward steps.." or some such shit.
I wish I could get what I want for once (who i want for once). I wish that it wouldn't be either I have no emotional attachment, or they are pulled away. I wish I could choose to like the ones who are easily available instead of crushing them brutally and finding REAL connections with ones who are just like me, so much so that they make similar mistakes and wind up in similar situations. But I'm only going to complain about it in this entry, and now I'm gonna move forward.
I will never be real, and nothing worthwhile will never come easy. But its okay.
!! I feel like she is very whole right now. happy and all, and while happiness is a fleeting feeling, I feel like she is enlightened from the way shes been acting.I don't know, is it her aura or some shit?
I love her immensely, and am very proud, Matthew is an actual for real teacher.
Maryland... I think our life just continues going full circle and circling and circling...
I just looked back on a couple of old entries...
One of them was the one where Bush was being re elected..
one of my friends stated something interesting like- "and I'm gonna have to hear about what an asss bush is in a year and see license plate stickers that say bush sucks"
and that was really very true and intelligent.. I was just thinking that because in the school parking lot today I saw about 20 anti bush stickers... and some of them are duplicates of the one my friend vicky has "don't blame me I didn't vote for his daddy either"
people are hypocrites..
anyway..
I feel like life is one extensive movie and foreshadowing is the most important theme...
I also read a diary entry of mine from july 2003 where I went into great detail about how I should break up with my now ex boyfriend because "I really am uncomfortable with the way he fights"
I need to trust my instincts, damn...
this was maybe 2 months into the relationship, our first fight, and maybe 5 months before all hell began to break loose.
Enough about him though, he's done enough consuming and destroying of my life and my sketchbooks and journals... and my potential "relationships" too..
Whether serious or not, I feel like he had a huge hand in making sure what might have happened in this past month would just fall apart and become merely a month of loneliness. At least this is what I feel The Olsen is thinking.. but maybe I'm jumping to conclusions...
It could have been really fun. Someone I have loads in common with, that was there the whole time, who I thought of, but never REALLY considered in that way.. and there wasn't even a chance to SEE what might have happened.
And I can't wait around, I REFUSE to compete with history, especially since I of all people understand the strong hold it could have on you. Its not about giving up on something I truly very much want, its about having respect for myself. I'm a good friend and I'll be there as O is miserable, but not everyday, and not like I was... unlesss...
well anyway this brings me to the topic of power. Exes. HAVE soooo much . power.
Anybody could tell you you are terrible and worthless and not what they thought you were "disappointing" and etc etc, but no one will truly make you feel it like your ex.
No one will truly make you question yourself, but what we need to remember is who we were before they were around, the good they brought out of us and the bad they brought out of us. Obviously we gotta leave the bad, but if this bad is soooo bad then maybe its their fault that it got that bad? Is this making any sense? no... I can't put into words what I'm thinking..
Everything runs its course, some things are over before they start, and some things end way too late- ahemexampledomahem-
AS i so wisely and pretentiously once said to smush while stuck in my sliding closet in my old room "shouldn't I go forward? there would be no sense in taking backward steps.." or some such shit.
I wish I could get what I want for once (who i want for once). I wish that it wouldn't be either I have no emotional attachment, or they are pulled away. I wish I could choose to like the ones who are easily available instead of crushing them brutally and finding REAL connections with ones who are just like me, so much so that they make similar mistakes and wind up in similar situations. But I'm only going to complain about it in this entry, and now I'm gonna move forward.
I will never be real, and nothing worthwhile will never come easy. But its okay.