Frustrated
Every time I think I finally have part of my life figured out he goes and changes things on me. We're suppose to be the ones buying the house and then we rent out the rooms. Not him, because then he gets to make the rules, and I don't want to live in those conditions. I want to be able to make the rules, I don't want to be around that stuff, and now you're telling me you want to go live in a house with it? Just becuase you're comfortable with it doesn't mean that I am, and you know it. So why do this? Are you trying to drive me away? I want my degree, I want to pay off my student loans. I want a house, I want to think about getting married, and every time I come close to figuring out a way to get all of these, you go and change it all on my yet again. How long do you think i'm going to sit here and just wait? I'm not going to be like Michelle was with Chad, I won't be that girl. I can only wait so much longer. I've been played before by sitting around waiting and I got hurt really bad by it. I'm not going to let that happen again. So either figure out what you want from me or i'm gone. I'll figure out how to get what I want without you.
I don't know if i'm pushing him away, or if we're just growing apart, but I feel so distant from him. Something feels off, somethings not right, and that scares me so much. I don't want to be hurt, and while he constantly re-assures me I won't be, there's just something. Maybe it's because i've been dating him for a year and i'm just now finding out important stuff that I should have known in the beginning. Things that would have made me re-think a lot of things I did. Like going out on a boat in the middle of no where with him. I guess i've just grown up in such a dysfunctional life that i'm trying to distance myself from it now. I want to go towards some form of normality, and every time I get close I feel it slide right through my fingers. I want the control, I want to be able to say no, I want the rules, and I don't want to be around that.
I hate being cryptic, but if he knew that I was writing this in here, it wouldn't be good. And since we've been fighting a lot more lately, i'm trying to avoid the fighting. I wonder though. How much longer can I go leading this life? Maybe this isn't how it should be. I sometimes get lost in memories that I shouldn't then I wonder if i'm the only one, or if they are getting lost as well. If they even care or wonder.
I'm an aunt, Florida was fun. I need to clear my head.
I don't know if i'm pushing him away, or if we're just growing apart, but I feel so distant from him. Something feels off, somethings not right, and that scares me so much. I don't want to be hurt, and while he constantly re-assures me I won't be, there's just something. Maybe it's because i've been dating him for a year and i'm just now finding out important stuff that I should have known in the beginning. Things that would have made me re-think a lot of things I did. Like going out on a boat in the middle of no where with him. I guess i've just grown up in such a dysfunctional life that i'm trying to distance myself from it now. I want to go towards some form of normality, and every time I get close I feel it slide right through my fingers. I want the control, I want to be able to say no, I want the rules, and I don't want to be around that.
I hate being cryptic, but if he knew that I was writing this in here, it wouldn't be good. And since we've been fighting a lot more lately, i'm trying to avoid the fighting. I wonder though. How much longer can I go leading this life? Maybe this isn't how it should be. I sometimes get lost in memories that I shouldn't then I wonder if i'm the only one, or if they are getting lost as well. If they even care or wonder.
I'm an aunt, Florida was fun. I need to clear my head.