Letter to a friend
It's funny. After everything i've been through, with so much to regret, I don't. I don't regret any of it. I feel my choices lead me places for a reason. Take the Chris situation for example. Had I not gone up to Fairbanks, I would have never known and would have always wondered. That year up there, after Josh, it proved to me that I could move on. I think the kiss is what finally did it, it's what showed me that I was stronger than I had given myself credit for being. I walked away, knowing I didn't want to go down that path, I didn't want to be that lost little puppy dog. For a while I then thought about well what if I had stayed down here. Maybe then Josh and I would have stayed together. But we were two people on two different paths. He opened up a side of me I didn't know existed, the side of me that wasn't afraid to take chances and live with the consequences. If it hadn't been for that who's to say I would have ever given Ben a shot??? I may have stayed in my shell so afraid to come out, but he showed me that I didn't have to be. My point is, that I went through so much pain. So many nights of crying so hard I couldn't move, I couldn't feel anything anymore. So many times it grew so hard to look at myself in the mirror. I regreted so many decisions, and while I did make some bad choices I finally allowed myself to move on. My happiest days have been since I stopped regreting my decisions. Every since I finally let my past choices lead me down the path I had chosen, i've become happier than ever before.
I know my few past entries may not show that, but that's something else going on. My dad has smoked about 3 packs a day since he was 15. Suddenly he has a cough that won't go away and he's looking up information about lung cancer. It killed me inside, because I couldn't deal with the fact that we were finally being like a family and I was angry that there was this possibility of it all being taken away from me. To finally know my father and then to loose him. But now I realize that instead of wallowing in self pity I should take this time I have with him and cherish it. Get to know more of the real man i've just now finally gotten to see. Even if he turns out to be fine, it's still opened my eyes. No one really realizes how short life can be until they are faced with something like this, till they have to face this death. It wakes you up, and shows you you can't live in the past forever. The past is the past, learn from it and move on. I know that one day we'll all look back and say hey that was a bad time for me, but I made it through and now look where I am. There is so much life and love to celebrate all around us. Let's let the past lie and enjoy every day, every breath, every vision, inspiration, thought, let's enjoy it all as if it was our life. Only then can we begin to understand why and how we've gotten where we are, and later on down the road we'll finally understand the whole bit picture. I just hope these thoughts and words reach the people they need to.
I know my few past entries may not show that, but that's something else going on. My dad has smoked about 3 packs a day since he was 15. Suddenly he has a cough that won't go away and he's looking up information about lung cancer. It killed me inside, because I couldn't deal with the fact that we were finally being like a family and I was angry that there was this possibility of it all being taken away from me. To finally know my father and then to loose him. But now I realize that instead of wallowing in self pity I should take this time I have with him and cherish it. Get to know more of the real man i've just now finally gotten to see. Even if he turns out to be fine, it's still opened my eyes. No one really realizes how short life can be until they are faced with something like this, till they have to face this death. It wakes you up, and shows you you can't live in the past forever. The past is the past, learn from it and move on. I know that one day we'll all look back and say hey that was a bad time for me, but I made it through and now look where I am. There is so much life and love to celebrate all around us. Let's let the past lie and enjoy every day, every breath, every vision, inspiration, thought, let's enjoy it all as if it was our life. Only then can we begin to understand why and how we've gotten where we are, and later on down the road we'll finally understand the whole bit picture. I just hope these thoughts and words reach the people they need to.