Apr 27, 2007 17:45
For some reason both of these things clung to me on the ride home today. Still kind of clinging to me. Leftovers are in the oven. Got the news on. All is quiet. Willow is looking at me. I get nervous with her in the window (it is open) that she will push on the screen (POS) and fall out. Now Raven is looking out. They are pretty smart but you have to account for ghetto ass construction. But I think they will be o.k. They like it when I open the windows.
Despite how I hate my commute and really hate living so close to ___; I really have come to like my apartment. I like where I live. There is "life" here. Kids playing and people coming and going. Most people are polite and nice. In some ways, I really have a great living situation. I'm on my own, I have my kitties. My apartment is just the right size for me to roll around in. I have just about everything I need.
...
I'm missing something. I'm missing having someone in my life. Not so much someone to co-habitate with and share day to day stuff. I enjoy my "aloneness". But... the weekend is here and I have no plans. No one to go out on a date with. No one to just even hang out with . No one to curl up and watch a DVD with. It seems so stupid that with everything else that seems to be in place that this one thing has gotten the best of me. I know that is partly b/c I have had someone in my life for the past year and now that is gone. I'm still grieving. Realizations of things we will not do or movies and places we will not see or go to. I know this is grief. I went through it with David. Movies we weren't going to see. Anniversaries we were never going to celebrate again. It still gets to me at times. I miss David very much. I know he is happy and seems content. I don't really begruge that, more like i envy that and feel a twinge of sadness that I'm not the one who makes him feel that way anymore. Someone else lits his fire and shares with him now. *sigh*
So here i sit, eating my dinner. The T.V. on to keep me company. An empty email box and the "internal" knowledge that ppl that I wish I were with are not alone.
It just is hitting home tonight. Sucking serious ass and making me really depressed, loney and for part of the ride home (slighty suicidal).
I really wish my best friend weren't in another country. But he should have a life that doesn't involve me whiney about my non-existant one.
*sigh*
loneliness,
sad,
depression