some thoughts: an exercise in free(ing) association(s)
*deep sigh*
One thing about me is that I tend to be at one extreme or the other. Either I'm uber sweet, nice, caring and giving to you. Or... I'm uber on defense, on guard and waiting to be bit in the emotional ass again. I haven't figured out how to protect and stick up for myself without coming off a bit strong. yeah...
Another thing about me. I get tired of being up into a box. The box of manic-depressed, psycho, always having some "drama" ladden crisis, whiney, depressed person box. That the expectation is if I am slighty defensive or pissy that it is just ... well me being overly emotional or upset about nothing, or me being upset in general. I'm not a generalization. I'm a human being. Believe it or not, I actually am happy sometimes. I know, scary. Not every snarky comment that comes out of my mouth is me having a bad emotional hair day or creating some form of drama to make myself... amused. I'm much more than some high-strung, drama ladden person. I've especially changed a lot over the past two years to in the last 3 months.
And yet another thing about me. You hurt me and I forgive you but it takes time. You can't go on like nothing didn't happen. Like, there weren't some emotional scars given and received. The natural reaction to being burned emotionally is to not want to get close to the fire. I'm really good and being nice, sweet, caring, giving and the like until I preceive that my niceness, sweetness, caring and giving nature has been or is being abused. I have to shut off that aspect of myself (to said person who has hurt me) b/c if I don't.... well, I can't heal and it just leads me right back to original problem/behavior.
To expect me to be sweetness and light all the time is unreasonable. To then blame it on "me being me" is even more unreasonable and unfair. To be surprised after all the water under the bridge... well that is just naiveity (sp). Oh, and to make it into some j/k. Well, it's not funny. I find it disrespectful, insulting and a backward way of saying what you really think of me.
You see... I'm hardwired to want to trust. To keep coming back for more mental abuse. To keep trying, trying and trying some more at a mental cost to myself. I just can't be that person anymore. B/c ultimately... you get the best of me and I lose myself. It sucks. B/c there is a tiny part of me that still loves and cares for you. It would be easier if I didn't.
One thing about me is that I tend to be at one extreme or the other. Either I'm uber sweet, nice, caring and giving to you. Or... I'm uber on defense, on guard and waiting to be bit in the emotional ass again. I haven't figured out how to protect and stick up for myself without coming off a bit strong. yeah...
Another thing about me. I get tired of being up into a box. The box of manic-depressed, psycho, always having some "drama" ladden crisis, whiney, depressed person box. That the expectation is if I am slighty defensive or pissy that it is just ... well me being overly emotional or upset about nothing, or me being upset in general. I'm not a generalization. I'm a human being. Believe it or not, I actually am happy sometimes. I know, scary. Not every snarky comment that comes out of my mouth is me having a bad emotional hair day or creating some form of drama to make myself... amused. I'm much more than some high-strung, drama ladden person. I've especially changed a lot over the past two years to in the last 3 months.
And yet another thing about me. You hurt me and I forgive you but it takes time. You can't go on like nothing didn't happen. Like, there weren't some emotional scars given and received. The natural reaction to being burned emotionally is to not want to get close to the fire. I'm really good and being nice, sweet, caring, giving and the like until I preceive that my niceness, sweetness, caring and giving nature has been or is being abused. I have to shut off that aspect of myself (to said person who has hurt me) b/c if I don't.... well, I can't heal and it just leads me right back to original problem/behavior.
To expect me to be sweetness and light all the time is unreasonable. To then blame it on "me being me" is even more unreasonable and unfair. To be surprised after all the water under the bridge... well that is just naiveity (sp). Oh, and to make it into some j/k. Well, it's not funny. I find it disrespectful, insulting and a backward way of saying what you really think of me.
You see... I'm hardwired to want to trust. To keep coming back for more mental abuse. To keep trying, trying and trying some more at a mental cost to myself. I just can't be that person anymore. B/c ultimately... you get the best of me and I lose myself. It sucks. B/c there is a tiny part of me that still loves and cares for you. It would be easier if I didn't.