I think about your face and how I fall into your eyes...
I am so angry right now. I don't even think that I can feel. It just feels like I will never be ok and that I can never be right, I will always be wrong. I want to rebel and I want to go away. I hate listening to what my mom and sister think because they seriously don't know me. I hate everything right now...everything. I am so pissed. I don't know how to be. I don't know if I should be mad at my dad...i don't even know if I know how to be. I really can't deal with all this shit. I don't understand it. I sit here all the time and wish i weren't me and wish I could show someone else how much this shit hurts. I hate people who say whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...well what if it does kill me. What if I can't handle this anymore? What if I give up on all this and let these pieces that I have been holding onto fall and break? I give in...I lose. I can't stand strong and I can't pretend that I am ok anymore. I can't pretend that this will all get better when I have been saying that for 6 years and jack shit happened. I hate sitting here and watch my mom get trashed...everytime I need her she isn't there. I am just so pissed how this whole cycle works. My dad drags mymom to court, mymom stresses and get trashed, yells at me, I get pissed. Why do they have to fight...why are they so angry? Why did they get married? Why doesn't my dad want me? Why doesn't he care that he doesn't see me everyday,week,or even month? I don't understand what I did to push him so far away. I just want him to come here and tellmy mom he loves her and tell us he is sorry. I want him to come back. I want a dad everyday not just once every two months. I am so sick of people telling what I am or what I am not...they don't know. Seriosly it has been forever since I have smiled just out of happiness. I question if I know what that is like anymore. I am so done with this shit. I give in completely. I don't care anymore...it hurts too much. Fuck this.