If life were ot change for the better, how hard would you work to change it back?
Well..I feel bad because I never write in here anymore unless I need to pity myself...so yeah. Lately things have been going pretty good. I have been on a diet for about a month and I work out five times a week. I have successfully lost a total of 10 pounds and counting. It has really evened out my emotions. Me and my mom are getting along pretty well. Ali and I are good. I am going to visit Alexis in colorado next weekend and i go to michael's basketball games at least once a week. Ava has been on a hot sunny beach for like the past year and a half but she comes home tonight. Danny left tonight to go up to Fort Wilderness...(no clue) and so I am all alone this weekend...I have the ACT tomorrow at OHS and then I MUST MUST MUST MUST do my history project!!! and the rest of my homework. Speaking of school...my report card was all A's except gym...I got a B+! A very big change from my days back at OHS. I am getting my wisdom teeth out on the 27th of this month!! I am very nervous! Things are busy as usual but I find my time to get my stuff done. Life in general is going well but what girl doen't have drama. mostyly is has to do with boys but there are some girl issues. But thats not important.
NOw that I have the surface stuff done I can talk. Lately I have been reflecting back on my life to when I used drugs. I compare myself now to myself then all the time. Yes i have made big changes but im not perfect.i have been looking for perfection this whole time and its such a slap in the face to realize how far i am from it. So my life has changed...but i sometimes see myself working overtime to be a dirty pothead not caring and just wanting to get high...well not that extreme but to try to be as tough as i used to be. And peter was there thruogh all of this. Its like I met him in 8th grade and he never stopped caring about me. this boy saw me get arrested, use drugs, drink, yell at my family, go through a rehab twice, get sent to a different state, and throw my life away over and over again...and all i did was slap him back and forth across the face because i didn't want him to care about me. it has been bugging me so much...i guess the saying if i had only known then what i know now is so true...if i knew i would be here now after going through a level of hell...would i have changed something along the way? Would i have put my pipe down and shown peter some appreciation...or what about my family? what about all the shit i did to them. its crazy to count the times i was so close to death...and i was too high to realize i was in any sort of danger. So what do i do now? i can never apologize enough for all the pain i caused and i can never make it up. my fmaily loves me unconditionally...but i think that in the last few weeks i have seriously realized the gigantic scar i have left over peters heart and the pain i cause him...i have finally realized that i am so lucky to be alive and for my family to be alive... not that religious school has changed me but my life really makes me belive that God watched over me and held me in his arms everytime i drove under the influence or everytime i passed out with boys around. It brings me to tears what kind of things God thought while he was watching me go through this phase of my life. If you think about it...God is referred to as father...and if HE is anything like the way my dad used to be...i can't belive God forgives me over and over again. I can't bring myself to face all the changes i need to make to be a real christian...its seomthing that takes time but all i know is that i would give my own life to go back and change all the pain i caused. If i could start at 6th grade and take back every wrong thing from then until now i would gladly die tomorrow knowing that i did not scar these people that held me though my "screw up stage." Its so carzy that i say this now. So to sum my emotional outburst...I apologize, Peter, for all the pain and if you still care about me I am ready to care about you back. I apologize to my family and i think them at the same time for working so hard to turn me away from the dark path but understanding you couldn't save me. And last but not least I ask God's forgiveness for my carelessness and for my hatred.
WHOA!! IT feels good to get that out.well i am going to help Ali try on clothes so i will write soem other time. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!
Love always,
Alana Leah
NOw that I have the surface stuff done I can talk. Lately I have been reflecting back on my life to when I used drugs. I compare myself now to myself then all the time. Yes i have made big changes but im not perfect.i have been looking for perfection this whole time and its such a slap in the face to realize how far i am from it. So my life has changed...but i sometimes see myself working overtime to be a dirty pothead not caring and just wanting to get high...well not that extreme but to try to be as tough as i used to be. And peter was there thruogh all of this. Its like I met him in 8th grade and he never stopped caring about me. this boy saw me get arrested, use drugs, drink, yell at my family, go through a rehab twice, get sent to a different state, and throw my life away over and over again...and all i did was slap him back and forth across the face because i didn't want him to care about me. it has been bugging me so much...i guess the saying if i had only known then what i know now is so true...if i knew i would be here now after going through a level of hell...would i have changed something along the way? Would i have put my pipe down and shown peter some appreciation...or what about my family? what about all the shit i did to them. its crazy to count the times i was so close to death...and i was too high to realize i was in any sort of danger. So what do i do now? i can never apologize enough for all the pain i caused and i can never make it up. my fmaily loves me unconditionally...but i think that in the last few weeks i have seriously realized the gigantic scar i have left over peters heart and the pain i cause him...i have finally realized that i am so lucky to be alive and for my family to be alive... not that religious school has changed me but my life really makes me belive that God watched over me and held me in his arms everytime i drove under the influence or everytime i passed out with boys around. It brings me to tears what kind of things God thought while he was watching me go through this phase of my life. If you think about it...God is referred to as father...and if HE is anything like the way my dad used to be...i can't belive God forgives me over and over again. I can't bring myself to face all the changes i need to make to be a real christian...its seomthing that takes time but all i know is that i would give my own life to go back and change all the pain i caused. If i could start at 6th grade and take back every wrong thing from then until now i would gladly die tomorrow knowing that i did not scar these people that held me though my "screw up stage." Its so carzy that i say this now. So to sum my emotional outburst...I apologize, Peter, for all the pain and if you still care about me I am ready to care about you back. I apologize to my family and i think them at the same time for working so hard to turn me away from the dark path but understanding you couldn't save me. And last but not least I ask God's forgiveness for my carelessness and for my hatred.
WHOA!! IT feels good to get that out.well i am going to help Ali try on clothes so i will write soem other time. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!
Love always,
Alana Leah