(no subject)
It's been a long week and i pretty much just want to cry. I don't know how much of it is because i have been sick or how much of it is just everything piling up.
I am really kind of frustrated with school. It's not like last year, i don't hate going to school, so i guess that's better. I just don't feel like i belong on my team or like i am being useful. With the exception of the math teacher, the teachers on my team are pretty lousy, but there is no real way to help my kids. The social studies teacher just lectures and tells them how exciting the content is while putting them to sleep. Unfortunately, he never knows the day before what he is going to do, so i can't have anything prepared for them to help them through it. The English teacher reads to them or has them read silently. While they are reading silently, i will pull my kids to work with them. The science teacher doesn't teach. The math teacher is fabulous, but pitches everything so that everyone in the room can get it, and so there is little for me to do there either. Because i go from classroom to classroom, i don't actually get to team teach with any of them to make it better. On top of that, Friday when i told one of the kids to put his cell phone away, he said "I don't have to." I told him that it is a school rule that he is not allowed to have it out. He shouts "You're not my f***ing teacher, you're not even a teacher. You're just an aide, or at least that's what Ms. Wolf says!" Perhaps if i had had more than 4 hours of sleep that night, it wouldn't have stung so badly, but the worst part is, that i kind of feel that way too. In all the other schools where i have been, there has been a total of one student who i didn't like. One and only one, and he was in Stillwater. This year, there are at least three in a class of 25. I feel guilty that i feel that way which doesn't help anything either.
In case school and all the extras i am doing right now aren't wearing on me enough, my pet virus seems to be acting up. In December i talked with my doctor about switching my birth control pills. I told him about why my previous doctor had put me on the one i was taking and that it was working to control the side pain, but that i was hoping for something that would help with serious cramping and tenderness that i had been having recently. He gave me a new one and told me to try it for three months before i could tell if it would work or not. I started it on New Year's Day. January the pain in my side was back, though not consistently. This month, it seems to be more in the lower back which is where it had started originally, back in college. It has been so bad. Two weeks ago, when i was in Akeido class, my back started killing me and i had to sit out. I went to the chiropractor on Friday, but that didn't really help because it is the inside pain. It had kind of gotten better, and i hadn't been able to get to the gym all this last week. Today i went to the gym, and did my usual routine and this afternoon my back inside is in agony again. Now, i don't know if it is all just coincidence, or what i should do. I don't know if i should just go back to my other birth control, making the virus thing happy, but the cramps and tenderness bad, or if i should go through the whole doctor insanity all over again with so many of them telling me it is nothing, and maybe still not find out what is wrong inside me. That was really frustrating the first time, i am sure it would be so much more fun the second time around.
I don't know what i should do.
I am really kind of frustrated with school. It's not like last year, i don't hate going to school, so i guess that's better. I just don't feel like i belong on my team or like i am being useful. With the exception of the math teacher, the teachers on my team are pretty lousy, but there is no real way to help my kids. The social studies teacher just lectures and tells them how exciting the content is while putting them to sleep. Unfortunately, he never knows the day before what he is going to do, so i can't have anything prepared for them to help them through it. The English teacher reads to them or has them read silently. While they are reading silently, i will pull my kids to work with them. The science teacher doesn't teach. The math teacher is fabulous, but pitches everything so that everyone in the room can get it, and so there is little for me to do there either. Because i go from classroom to classroom, i don't actually get to team teach with any of them to make it better. On top of that, Friday when i told one of the kids to put his cell phone away, he said "I don't have to." I told him that it is a school rule that he is not allowed to have it out. He shouts "You're not my f***ing teacher, you're not even a teacher. You're just an aide, or at least that's what Ms. Wolf says!" Perhaps if i had had more than 4 hours of sleep that night, it wouldn't have stung so badly, but the worst part is, that i kind of feel that way too. In all the other schools where i have been, there has been a total of one student who i didn't like. One and only one, and he was in Stillwater. This year, there are at least three in a class of 25. I feel guilty that i feel that way which doesn't help anything either.
In case school and all the extras i am doing right now aren't wearing on me enough, my pet virus seems to be acting up. In December i talked with my doctor about switching my birth control pills. I told him about why my previous doctor had put me on the one i was taking and that it was working to control the side pain, but that i was hoping for something that would help with serious cramping and tenderness that i had been having recently. He gave me a new one and told me to try it for three months before i could tell if it would work or not. I started it on New Year's Day. January the pain in my side was back, though not consistently. This month, it seems to be more in the lower back which is where it had started originally, back in college. It has been so bad. Two weeks ago, when i was in Akeido class, my back started killing me and i had to sit out. I went to the chiropractor on Friday, but that didn't really help because it is the inside pain. It had kind of gotten better, and i hadn't been able to get to the gym all this last week. Today i went to the gym, and did my usual routine and this afternoon my back inside is in agony again. Now, i don't know if it is all just coincidence, or what i should do. I don't know if i should just go back to my other birth control, making the virus thing happy, but the cramps and tenderness bad, or if i should go through the whole doctor insanity all over again with so many of them telling me it is nothing, and maybe still not find out what is wrong inside me. That was really frustrating the first time, i am sure it would be so much more fun the second time around.
I don't know what i should do.