ok ok people let's get this show on the road!
i kno i said i was gonna break up w/ matt but i havent done it yet. danny showed up so i began clinging to matt for fear of going back into an abusive relationship. for those who missed the drama last year, danny was my abusive, alcoholic ex-boyfriend whom i found hanging from a ceiling fan last spring. after that he moved to kentucky but his bro andrew moved back to monroe & danny came to visit last week & decided to look me up. i met up w/ him behind the old monroe high school but i didnt go alone. we talked for hours & i told him i had a new boyfriend & he said if i really loved him i would come back to him. but the thing is danny's HIV+ & i dont wanna run the risk of being +, so i said 'no i dont love you' (so untrue) & left. he called me today during 4th period. (how he got my cell# i will never know) i called him back at lunch & he said he'd be here when i got home cuz we needed to talk. well instead he grabbed & i ended up kicking him out into the driveway & locking all the doors & windows. the sad thing is i think he really loves me. he completely changed for me. he cut & dyed his hair to match a character i liked from an old tv show. he quit drinking, he's on meds for the HIV & he's still taking anger management & intervention programs plus he was going to church for a few months. he seems like he's really tried to turn himself around but i dont know why cuz even though i will always love him in my own way, i will never be in love with him again. i cant get teh thought of him slamming me into a coffee table or the sight of him hanging from that fan out of my head & it scares me to be in the same room with him. matt is jealous & it's so obvious. oh well i told him me & danny are over but he knows hwo much danny means to me so he will completely trust me on that. i still aint spending time with joe like i wanna but i really cant help that rite now. i miss talking to him. we talk for like 5 minutes at school but i miss staying after on tuesday & seeing him & walking up & down the halls talking about any random thing. the scary thing is i can have serious conversation with him that i could never have with anyone else. i just really hate the way things are going rite now. i know in my heart that i need to break it off with matt but i just dont wanna lose that feeling of desire. although i ahve survived without for a long time. i need to think. bye bye guys