(no subject)
And here we are again
That moment between the darkness of early morning and dawn when I know the sun is racing to reach the mountains that block it's light from my valley.
Four out of my seven days a week this is around the time I'm cleaning up my tools at work and preparing to take my last break of the night if I can squeeze it in.
I enjoy my new job...well it's still new I think. I think It'll keep being new to me for at least a year. We're going through alot of changes at work which I'm only barely aware of because of my inexperience with how things used to be. However there is the constant looming threat of a particularly difficult task no one on my floor crew wants to do but we know sooner or later we'll have to start doing it again. The main floor of the hospital is done in a sort of fake marble or something and we need to strip all the wax off it and replace it with stone protector. While this will make the floors shinier then ever and last longer it is a ridiculous amount of effort and none of us really want to do it.
I should call my stepfather sometime soon...arrange a dinner with him. He was calling me over the summer desperate to see me again before Christmas because I haven't seen him since then. The issues tend to be that he lives very far away (Several hours of driving) and also I've just been busy...or so I tell myself.
I guess I'm not that motivated to see him which is sad because he's a very nice man and he's never done wrong by me after all these years. I will see him at least once before Christmas this I keep telling myself hoping to make it true.
I spent the night with some friends, we went to see a movie "Attack the Block" It was very good but I couldn't help like for the first time feeling like a third wheel. These friends have been a couple for a few months now, and they've been my friends for years...but lately they've been "Playing house" living in the boy's sisters house while she's out of town.
It's rare for me to feel like a third wheel and never with my friends. Partially because I'm such an attention whore that I chatter away and am constantly trying to engage them in the never ending rambling tales of my day to day life to satisfy my own ego.
I just got back from Kumoricon in Vancouver Washington and it left me feeling...I don't know listless. Drifting, like I'm just waiting for the next gathering of geeks so I can get lost in a crowd and feel like I belong even when I'm silent and alone. I had my best friend with me this year and that made things different. I had someone to muse with, to discuss things, to worry about, to fret over and constantly hope he was having a good time.
It's strange becoming aware of character flaws you've probably always had but never noticed before, and my friends have become either numb to them or love me despite them, it's a fine line I suppose. One to be constantly muddled over like a child walking on the painted bike lane line on a road pretending one false step will send the tightrope walker to his doom.
Am I still making sense? Yes? I'll try harder to be incoherent.
My brother has come full circle, where he was once the "Good son" because he passed his classes and was very little trouble, now he's been revealed as a self centered prick who is so into himself he can't be bothered to consider if he's being a burden to others. He's an intern at a hospital right now as a Medical Technician, but he's reached the end of his classes at the community college so unless he screwed them up somehow (and it looks like he might have) he'll have the credentials to be a professional.
But in the process he becomes more and more surly, constantly demanding money to repair his car or cover the costs of his schooling because his job at the local minigolf/gokart/arcade place doesn't pay alot. My parents are at their limit with him I feel. And he just can't understand why. He has told me he feels picked on, alone, like no one understands him and that his friends are all gone. When I tried to explain to him everyone feels that way and I went through those things too he blew me off because I couldn't understand. And really how could I? It's not like I've ever done anything difficult.
Like you know...the West Virginia saga.
OR my various manual labor jobs
So that's my brother, my sister is as she always is. Stubborn, emotional, loving but loud and...let's say passionate about the things she wants.
I splurged on a whole bunch of comic books...I'm going to try my best to get through them all before my next convention, and then I should focus on beating all the video games I own. So many of them were left half finished.
The continuing theme in my comic book buying seems to be strong women characters, including Batgirl, Batwoman, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Zatanna, the girls of Higurashi, some series called Hyper dolls, and then some other things like Soul eater, Highschool of the dead, and Boilerplate
I also spend alot of my time hiding from my thoughts by listening to podcasts. Radio From Hell, Geek Show, Cort and Fatboy, The Mediocre Show, and all the different Podcasts Big Shiny Robot and G4 put out serve as an excellent way to keep my mind occupied as I continue the dull tedious work I am paid for four nights out of the week.
Have I mentioned I love having four ten hour days and three days off? Well that might change along with all the other changes but I'm hoping not.
It's becoming impossible for me to sleep properly even on the weekends. I suppose so many years of night shifts has finally set it in my mind that the brain must be turned on between the hours of 7 P.M and 6 A.M I sleep from about 6 A.M till 1 P.M and then force myself to wake up because there is a friend on AIM I like to talk to at least once a day...even if most of what we do is Roleplay.
All this money spent on vacations...costume things, comic books. I know what I need to start saving it for and spending it on. To get out from under the scrutiny of the IRS. It will just take time. But with this job it can be done. Time...time and determination and some of that ever dwindling willpower I have.
And then...what then? College? Maybe. If I go back to college...when I go back to college it's not because I know what I want to do...I just want to study the things I enjoy. In the department of what I want to do...I don't know still. I'm in love with the idea of Voice Acting lately but again it feels like the sort of thing I'll need to wait to do after the IRS is dealt with.
That really seems to be the thing about the future...it's always easier to wait for it to come to you. I was kind of hoping the more time I spent musing on it the more enlightened I would be as to what to do about it. If I had a passion, something I could pursue and throw caution to the winds that would be an excellent driving force. Something I loved with the kind of love a manga hero feels for his particular passion. I want to feel the same way about my job that some characters feel about sports, or others feel about their hobbies.
I have hobbies I love, things I care about, as I've proven on more then one occasion I can talk and ramble and babble and muse to great lengths about the things that matter to me...and for some reason people listen.
Is it in the presentation? The subject matter? The tone?
Why was it so easy for me to stand in front of an audience of strangers at Kumoricon and crack jokes and bare my soul on the subject of RPGs? Is it because I crave the attention? Yes of coarse but what else?
What makes me spectacular?
Or even just above average.
I don't want to be a janitor all my life...it's not a bad life but it's not the one I want. I don't want to always work night shifts.
I want to be happy with whatever I do, happy in a way I haven't known yet.
I think I've gotten it out of my system...I don't know if I can sleep yet but at least this is something.
That moment between the darkness of early morning and dawn when I know the sun is racing to reach the mountains that block it's light from my valley.
Four out of my seven days a week this is around the time I'm cleaning up my tools at work and preparing to take my last break of the night if I can squeeze it in.
I enjoy my new job...well it's still new I think. I think It'll keep being new to me for at least a year. We're going through alot of changes at work which I'm only barely aware of because of my inexperience with how things used to be. However there is the constant looming threat of a particularly difficult task no one on my floor crew wants to do but we know sooner or later we'll have to start doing it again. The main floor of the hospital is done in a sort of fake marble or something and we need to strip all the wax off it and replace it with stone protector. While this will make the floors shinier then ever and last longer it is a ridiculous amount of effort and none of us really want to do it.
I should call my stepfather sometime soon...arrange a dinner with him. He was calling me over the summer desperate to see me again before Christmas because I haven't seen him since then. The issues tend to be that he lives very far away (Several hours of driving) and also I've just been busy...or so I tell myself.
I guess I'm not that motivated to see him which is sad because he's a very nice man and he's never done wrong by me after all these years. I will see him at least once before Christmas this I keep telling myself hoping to make it true.
I spent the night with some friends, we went to see a movie "Attack the Block" It was very good but I couldn't help like for the first time feeling like a third wheel. These friends have been a couple for a few months now, and they've been my friends for years...but lately they've been "Playing house" living in the boy's sisters house while she's out of town.
It's rare for me to feel like a third wheel and never with my friends. Partially because I'm such an attention whore that I chatter away and am constantly trying to engage them in the never ending rambling tales of my day to day life to satisfy my own ego.
I just got back from Kumoricon in Vancouver Washington and it left me feeling...I don't know listless. Drifting, like I'm just waiting for the next gathering of geeks so I can get lost in a crowd and feel like I belong even when I'm silent and alone. I had my best friend with me this year and that made things different. I had someone to muse with, to discuss things, to worry about, to fret over and constantly hope he was having a good time.
It's strange becoming aware of character flaws you've probably always had but never noticed before, and my friends have become either numb to them or love me despite them, it's a fine line I suppose. One to be constantly muddled over like a child walking on the painted bike lane line on a road pretending one false step will send the tightrope walker to his doom.
Am I still making sense? Yes? I'll try harder to be incoherent.
My brother has come full circle, where he was once the "Good son" because he passed his classes and was very little trouble, now he's been revealed as a self centered prick who is so into himself he can't be bothered to consider if he's being a burden to others. He's an intern at a hospital right now as a Medical Technician, but he's reached the end of his classes at the community college so unless he screwed them up somehow (and it looks like he might have) he'll have the credentials to be a professional.
But in the process he becomes more and more surly, constantly demanding money to repair his car or cover the costs of his schooling because his job at the local minigolf/gokart/arcade place doesn't pay alot. My parents are at their limit with him I feel. And he just can't understand why. He has told me he feels picked on, alone, like no one understands him and that his friends are all gone. When I tried to explain to him everyone feels that way and I went through those things too he blew me off because I couldn't understand. And really how could I? It's not like I've ever done anything difficult.
Like you know...the West Virginia saga.
OR my various manual labor jobs
So that's my brother, my sister is as she always is. Stubborn, emotional, loving but loud and...let's say passionate about the things she wants.
I splurged on a whole bunch of comic books...I'm going to try my best to get through them all before my next convention, and then I should focus on beating all the video games I own. So many of them were left half finished.
The continuing theme in my comic book buying seems to be strong women characters, including Batgirl, Batwoman, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Zatanna, the girls of Higurashi, some series called Hyper dolls, and then some other things like Soul eater, Highschool of the dead, and Boilerplate
I also spend alot of my time hiding from my thoughts by listening to podcasts. Radio From Hell, Geek Show, Cort and Fatboy, The Mediocre Show, and all the different Podcasts Big Shiny Robot and G4 put out serve as an excellent way to keep my mind occupied as I continue the dull tedious work I am paid for four nights out of the week.
Have I mentioned I love having four ten hour days and three days off? Well that might change along with all the other changes but I'm hoping not.
It's becoming impossible for me to sleep properly even on the weekends. I suppose so many years of night shifts has finally set it in my mind that the brain must be turned on between the hours of 7 P.M and 6 A.M I sleep from about 6 A.M till 1 P.M and then force myself to wake up because there is a friend on AIM I like to talk to at least once a day...even if most of what we do is Roleplay.
All this money spent on vacations...costume things, comic books. I know what I need to start saving it for and spending it on. To get out from under the scrutiny of the IRS. It will just take time. But with this job it can be done. Time...time and determination and some of that ever dwindling willpower I have.
And then...what then? College? Maybe. If I go back to college...when I go back to college it's not because I know what I want to do...I just want to study the things I enjoy. In the department of what I want to do...I don't know still. I'm in love with the idea of Voice Acting lately but again it feels like the sort of thing I'll need to wait to do after the IRS is dealt with.
That really seems to be the thing about the future...it's always easier to wait for it to come to you. I was kind of hoping the more time I spent musing on it the more enlightened I would be as to what to do about it. If I had a passion, something I could pursue and throw caution to the winds that would be an excellent driving force. Something I loved with the kind of love a manga hero feels for his particular passion. I want to feel the same way about my job that some characters feel about sports, or others feel about their hobbies.
I have hobbies I love, things I care about, as I've proven on more then one occasion I can talk and ramble and babble and muse to great lengths about the things that matter to me...and for some reason people listen.
Is it in the presentation? The subject matter? The tone?
Why was it so easy for me to stand in front of an audience of strangers at Kumoricon and crack jokes and bare my soul on the subject of RPGs? Is it because I crave the attention? Yes of coarse but what else?
What makes me spectacular?
Or even just above average.
I don't want to be a janitor all my life...it's not a bad life but it's not the one I want. I don't want to always work night shifts.
I want to be happy with whatever I do, happy in a way I haven't known yet.
I think I've gotten it out of my system...I don't know if I can sleep yet but at least this is something.