Fortunately Alan's penis is accustomed to offending people.
Okay, disclaimer: Alan can be a harsh critic! He's not really all that fond of himself, so...don't take any of this personally.
Alan has...kind of given up on JP at this point. He honestly believes that with Hudson calling the shots JP's going to wind up dead within the next six months, so he's reluctant to involve himself with JP at anything beyond a superficial level (yeah, he still argues with JP, but he's a lawyer--he can argue all day and remain emotionally detached). He thinks JP's too scatterbrained (he can't even remember where Lorna lives!) and emotional to make a good superhero, and that his success or failure will depend on the quality of the team's leadership. Which...Hudson.
He thinks JP's a bad friend. Or rather, he thinks JP doesn't understand friendship (which, given what JP's said about not really having friends up to this point, would make sense). In conversation JP often comes off as inattentive, distracted, and overextended--which is fine if you're Alan, because his self-worth isn't tied up in how much attention JP pays to him. He finds JP's habit of buying expensive shit for people whenever he thinks he's upset them truly distasteful--it cheapens friendship, which Alan values above almost everything else. He thinks JP is careless with his friends and that, no matter how much he insists he wants free and open discourse, he's really looking for people to agree with him. He occasionally wonders if JP's interest in polyamory stems from the fact that he seems much more comfortable with relationships if they're sexualized.
He does think JP's a wonderful brother, and that he and Jeanne-Marie are lucky to have each other. If he were younger he'd probably envy their relationship.
The threesome kind of disturbs him. Not because it's a threesome, but because JP doesn't seem to see it simply as a relationship--it's as though it's something he has to prove. Getting a tattoo of John's lighter, the endless posts about how much he loves "his boys" (hahahaha, Alan's not comfortable with proclaiming his feelings to one person, much less the entire internet), the Polyamory 101 lectures, the talk about anniversaries and marriage and kids...he thinks JP's invested so much in the idea of the relationship and what it stands for that he fails to realize a) it's relatively new, b) he and his partners are all very young and will likely change a great deal in the coming years. In short, he thinks JP takes it much too seriously and that consequently it's likely to end very, very badly.
On a related note, he always has himself a good laugh whenever JP talks about the importance of honesty, since JP routinely tells himself the most transparent (to Alan, anyway) lies: I'm not an idealist, I don't need people, I'm not crying--it's just raining on my face, etc. If JP were older, it would piss him off and he'd call him on it, but Alan figures when you're 21 you're entitled to a little hypocrisy. He does not, however, consider JP a particularly honest individual.
Finally, he thinks JP needs a mentor. Not a psychologist, not a life coach, not Senator Kelly--who Alan regards as a total moron--but someone with life experience who JP can turn to when he has doubts or questions or if he's just feeling like crap and doesn't want to burden his friends. (Also, someone who can call him on his bullshit without occasioning a tantrum.) JP is surrounded by--and closest to--really young people (whenever Alan checks the comments to JP's posts it's like a slumber party--squealing teenage girls everywhere), most of whom rarely disagree with him, and it warps his perspective. That's the one way in which college might benefit JP--he'd be exposed to a (hopefully) more diverse body of people, and maybe he'd meet a professor who would take him under his or her wing.
All that being said, he admires JP's passion and his dedication to his causes. He thinks JP's achieved a great deal more--and, more importantly, done more good--than not only most people his age, but most people. He thinks JP has the potential to do truly great things. Shame Hudson's going to get him killed.
I didn't think you would, but I didn't want you looking at that and thinking, "Holy crap, Alan hates JP!"
Alan says, yes, it's awfully unfair of him to conclude one team is better than another based on a completely arbitrary measure like the number of goals scored.
Ha! (If it wasn't already clear, Alan has an extremely low opinion of Hudson. He thinks she talks about her dead husband all the time just to elicit sympathy from people. Because if your spouse dies, obviously you should NEVER TALK ABOUT THEM EVER AGAIN.)
Okay, disclaimer: Alan can be a harsh critic! He's not really all that fond of himself, so...don't take any of this personally.
Alan has...kind of given up on JP at this point. He honestly believes that with Hudson calling the shots JP's going to wind up dead within the next six months, so he's reluctant to involve himself with JP at anything beyond a superficial level (yeah, he still argues with JP, but he's a lawyer--he can argue all day and remain emotionally detached). He thinks JP's too scatterbrained (he can't even remember where Lorna lives!) and emotional to make a good superhero, and that his success or failure will depend on the quality of the team's leadership. Which...Hudson.
He thinks JP's a bad friend. Or rather, he thinks JP doesn't understand friendship (which, given what JP's said about not really having friends up to this point, would make sense). In conversation JP often comes off as inattentive, distracted, and overextended--which is fine if you're Alan, because his self-worth isn't tied up in how much attention JP pays to him. He finds JP's habit of buying expensive shit for people whenever he thinks he's upset them truly distasteful--it cheapens friendship, which Alan values above almost everything else. He thinks JP is careless with his friends and that, no matter how much he insists he wants free and open discourse, he's really looking for people to agree with him. He occasionally wonders if JP's interest in polyamory stems from the fact that he seems much more comfortable with relationships if they're sexualized.
He does think JP's a wonderful brother, and that he and Jeanne-Marie are lucky to have each other. If he were younger he'd probably envy their relationship.
The threesome kind of disturbs him. Not because it's a threesome, but because JP doesn't seem to see it simply as a relationship--it's as though it's something he has to prove. Getting a tattoo of John's lighter, the endless posts about how much he loves "his boys" (hahahaha, Alan's not comfortable with proclaiming his feelings to one person, much less the entire internet), the Polyamory 101 lectures, the talk about anniversaries and marriage and kids...he thinks JP's invested so much in the idea of the relationship and what it stands for that he fails to realize a) it's relatively new, b) he and his partners are all very young and will likely change a great deal in the coming years. In short, he thinks JP takes it much too seriously and that consequently it's likely to end very, very badly.
On a related note, he always has himself a good laugh whenever JP talks about the importance of honesty, since JP routinely tells himself the most transparent (to Alan, anyway) lies: I'm not an idealist, I don't need people, I'm not crying--it's just raining on my face, etc. If JP were older, it would piss him off and he'd call him on it, but Alan figures when you're 21 you're entitled to a little hypocrisy. He does not, however, consider JP a particularly honest individual.
Finally, he thinks JP needs a mentor. Not a psychologist, not a life coach, not Senator Kelly--who Alan regards as a total moron--but someone with life experience who JP can turn to when he has doubts or questions or if he's just feeling like crap and doesn't want to burden his friends. (Also, someone who can call him on his bullshit without occasioning a tantrum.) JP is surrounded by--and closest to--really young people (whenever Alan checks the comments to JP's posts it's like a slumber party--squealing teenage girls everywhere), most of whom rarely disagree with him, and it warps his perspective. That's the one way in which college might benefit JP--he'd be exposed to a (hopefully) more diverse body of people, and maybe he'd meet a professor who would take him under his or her wing.
All that being said, he admires JP's passion and his dedication to his causes. He thinks JP's achieved a great deal more--and, more importantly, done more good--than not only most people his age, but most people. He thinks JP has the potential to do truly great things. Shame Hudson's going to get him killed.
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I didn't think you would, but I didn't want you looking at that and thinking, "Holy crap, Alan hates JP!"
Alan says, yes, it's awfully unfair of him to conclude one team is better than another based on a completely arbitrary measure like the number of goals scored.
Ha! (If it wasn't already clear, Alan has an extremely low opinion of Hudson. He thinks she talks about her dead husband all the time just to elicit sympathy from people. Because if your spouse dies, obviously you should NEVER TALK ABOUT THEM EVER AGAIN.)
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