The One Without The Humorous Back Cover
A February Retrospective On January 2014.
“I have the record collection - I win!”
Les’s New Year’s Eve party was of modest size and enjoyable. Admittedly, it was not as exciting, adventurous or really wild as some parties of ZZ9 legend - the stains having mostly been removed by now - but the important ingredients were present. There was copious food, interesting booze, people I could talk to about things ranging from ZZ9 parties of yore to the present state of the music scene, via multi-cultural issues and a mellow atmosphere. With Les, John Philpott and Graham present, it even turned into a bit of a ZZ9 veterans re-union. Later on, there was music, merriment and party poppers. Sadly, due to seasonal ailments there was a dearth of Roberts, John Philpott had to leave early and Les began to succumb to the cold he had been heroically fighting all day, so things wound down a little sooner than expected. However, as I wandered off, dodging around the first vomit-pools of 2014, the skies over Blackheath were lit by occasional fireworks. In spite of the rain that had been dogging the day, I was in a really good mood. It had been an enjoyable New Year party.
“T-Day Minus 89 and Counting…”
Going back to work on the second day of 2014 was not easy. This was not made any easier by the fact that we knew when the office would be closing and how long we had left. We had all done our best to finish off as much as we could before the break, so there should not have been any problems. Naturally, several people who were supposed to have been back were conspicuous by their absence, so the rest of us had to pick up the slack. Finding that my line manager had been stockpiling the letters received added to my problems - and left me having to explain to the management why the response was outside the time limit of our Key Performance Indicator. It was a salutary reminder of how easily those of us who formed the backbone of the Service could be made into its scapegoats.
“No, ‘Telling her about The Prisoner’ in not a euphemism...”
The First Thursday meeting for December at the Melton Mowbray had a sparse turnout. This was possibly due to it being the second day of the New Year, so many people were either still recovering from the celebrations, or had yet to return from their seasonal break. This was not an ideal time for someone completely new to turn up, since only a few of the various fan groups were represented. However, we did our best to keep our new comrade entertained and informed as to what was what and who was who. Robert even saw to it that she was introduced to various people of interest. But Dave Lally managed to tell her about The Prisoner anyway. On the forthcoming convention front, Graham admitted that he was planning to hold Dangercon 60 to celebrate his birthday. By some arcane means, this led to the decision that Helena would be doing Dangercon 36. Or something like that. Meanwhile, Robert was informative about his new Valois army and entertaining with the story of the French invasion of Jersey. This had apparently ended in hilarity when the invasion force opened fire on a local pub - and were promptly set upon by the locals who had been drinking there at the time. Discussion of the recent New Year celebrations led to unexpected discoveries about some of the absentees at various events. However, it turned out that Les’s New Year’s Eve party in Blackheath was the most impressive. Some of us would have put this down to Les’s record collection, but apparently it was because someone called Rain had been dogging there all day. It was a telling example of how a misinterpreted fanzine write-up could make things much more interesting. Oh how we laughed as we maintained the old tradition - as per ancient charter - of talking toot in the pub.
“Family Matters? Of course it does…”
I spent the first Saturday of the New Year visiting family. As with the previous year, the conversation centred on family matters focussed mainly on issues of failing health, general decrepitude and other cheerful subjects. I was just glad my relatives - some of them my age, all highly educated - managed to avoid expressing what might politely be called “parochial” views on immigration, employment and welfare policies - and the abuses thereof. I would have found myself acting as a Voice for Tolerance - which given my own prejudices and bigotries would have been ironic. Luckily, religion, belief and gender issues did not arise, so the evening ended peacefully. However, it did leave me pondering the implications of having more in common with my second cousins - who were half my age. I could only conclude that having lived most of my life amongst the myriad creeds, cultures, and ethnicities of London, I had somehow acquired a broader outlook - in spite of having never been outside the European Union. Otherwise, there was food, games and gifts, followed by a relaxed journey home. I ended up with more chocolate and biscuits than I could eat, of course, but that was nothing unusual.
“Get your carnivorous arse out of my face…”
Reason notwithstanding, the Monday night gaming sessions at the Penderel’s Oak in Holborn carried on, unabated. The food, prices and variety of guest ales remained pleasing and we still had enough space to get all the gaming groups back together under one roof. Unfortunately, the flow-through of new staff complicated matters more often than not. Meanwhile, the main arc of Shaun’s Cyberpunk™ story reached a climax. We grabbed the main suspect’s henchman - in spite of the complication of him having a lady friend in the car with him - and hauled him away. She managed to get herself rescued by Trauma Team paramedics, whilst we took our prisoner to an isolated spot. Then the interrogation began, with Steve as Absolute Bastard Cop, Andy as Other Cop and Jonny 5 as Pervy Cop. My tech character sensibly watched the perimeter, aided and abetted by Isi’s Netrunner and Siobhan’s tech. We eventually got confirmation of what we had largely worked out - and learned that our prisoner was indeed an Inquisitor and it was being used as leverage on him. We then secured, sedated and stashed him with the pack, after which we reported back to our patron.
Then it was just a matter of holding the interview, with Steve and Andy’s Solos ready to charge in and protect our client, whilst Isi’s Netrunner and Siobhan’s tech set up the electronic surveillance to record everything, with multiple off-site backups. Meanwhile, Jonny 5’s Fixer and my tech protected our client’s wife and child. There was some initial hilarity, when the suspect activated a jamming device - but with Isi’s Netrunner aiding and motivating her, Siobhan’s tech managed to work around it and restored the link. The tension rose as the suspect tried to keep control, but eventually he cracked and flipped open his case. Inside were some explosives and a big gun. The Solos promptly intervened, stunning him with a microwaver, then subduing and securing him. On our patron’s advice, we then handed over to Network 54 security, to keep the matter “in house”. The rest of us left discretely, to meet up later and tie up the loose ends. We eventually handed our unwanted Inquisitor to a booster gang, the Blood Razors, who agreed to let us pass through their turf in return.
However, soon after getting paid, we were recalled to the pack, as minor side plot kicked in. One of the carnival’s crew had been accused of rape and DMS, the rival media group to Network 54, were making a big issue of it and clearly trying to discredit the pack. We were tasked with using our Night City contacts to try and clear him. We started by running through the security videos from the carnival’s cameras and the DMS news videos. Then Steve and Andy’s Solos talked to their contact in the local mall security, and got a look at some of their footage as well. We saw the girl very clearly making moves on the accused - and we even spotted that she had spiked her own drink. With some additional research, we also identified the man who accompanied her to the police station when she reported being attacked - a high-ranking local Scientologist. The Solos even spotted that two couples in the crowd were actually two teams, working in pairs, scouting out the carnival. Meanwhile, Jonny 5’s Fixer went to see someone about getting a lawyer - which, given how few real lawyers there were left after The Purge, was no easy task.
“Does he know what ‘Irony’ means…?”
After a meteorologically tempestuous December, storms and flooding continued to dominate the British news throughout January. Those who had already had to either evacuate from their homes, or who had been left without power for the latter half of December, were especially concerned. However, David Cameron and his government were far too busy to help them. They were more concerned with stirring up people’s paranoia about the Bulgarians and Romanians who were apparently going to be flooding into Britain, when visa restrictions ended in the New Year. Strangely, the flood of migrants totally failed to materialise, rather embarrassing the government. I could just imagine David Cameron cursing perfidious foreigners who could not be bothered to come to Britain and claim British homes, jobs and benefits. So the Tories returned to stoking fears about international terrorism and engaging in gratuitous pauper-bashing.
Nature, by contrast delivered the wettest January in 100 years, with double the normal monthly rainfall in most areas. The flooding worsened, with more people being evacuated and a rising tide of anger and criticism was directed at Environment Secretary Owen Paterson and Lord Smith, head of the Environment Agency. For some reason, aspiring comedian and Minister without Portfolio - Ooh-er, Mrs - Kenneth Clarke leapt to their defence, comparing the people complaining to a lynch mob and claiming that this did not help matters. Which I felt just went to show that some people had not learned from the French and Russian revolutions and what happened to anyone disdainful of lynch mobs. However, many people believed that the most deranged comment about the flooding came from David Silvester of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) who claimed it was due to same-sex marriages. I personally felt it was more likely that the floods were caused by people pissing themselves laughing at UKIP. I also wondered if Nick Griffin, British Nationalist Party (BNP) leader and un-sympathised-with bankrupt, was happy that UKIP were looking worse than the BNP. Sadly, too many people remained more interested in the daily soap-opera lives of fatuous celebrities than the events around them, as per usual.
“What does The Magic Eight Ball suggest we get a man who already has a Magic Eight Ball?”
By his own admission, Steve based his birthday celebration on Isi’s birthday event. We started off by meeting up at the Penderel’s Oak, in Holborn, for a couple of beers - albeit on a Friday rather than a Monday. This involved cards, presents and a number of people I hadn’t seen in a while. The Magic Eight Ball proved a popular solution to the eternal decision making problem, whilst the conversation about the www.plentyoffish.com website that became an idea for setting up a www.plentyofsith.com website had some interesting aspects. However, in due course, we headed off Kimchee. As usual, our expectations were set on high, as we had yet to have a disappointing meal there. Happily, our expectations were exceeded. The food was excellent, the conversation interesting and a fine time was had by all. My only regret was that I had not got enough room for a dessert. The final stage was going to Belgo’s for some Belgian beer. This being a Friday, we did wonder if it would be as crowded as the Penderel’s Oak and Kimchee had been. However, it was fairly empty - except around the bar area, where people were crowding together as if the place was packed wall to wall. In spite of some wholly unnecessary shoving and jostling, we managed to get drinks and sat talking for a while. Eventually, some of us had to depart, although I did stay long enough to witness Liam’s arrival. Fortunately for those present, the drinks and conversation flowed ever onwards and all else was forgotten - unless someone wrote it up in a fanzine afterwards. Oh how we laughed as we maintained the old tradition - as per ancient charter - of talking toot in the pub.
“Hetalia: Eurozone Crisis…”
Civil disorder continued to rage across the Eurozone as the cutbacks continued and public anger increased. Various economies teetered, international relations remained rocky and things looked grim all round. However, possibly inspired by Slivio Berlusconi trying his hand at alternative comedy, French President François Hollande decided to lighten things with some classical bedroom farce, involving his wife and an actress. For some reason, this brought Le Bandard Fou by Jean “Moebius” Giraud to my mind, for no readily apparent reason. Again, Hetalia: Axis Powers and World Series - a satirical alternative world history with various countries personified as nationally stereotypical homoerotic pretty-boys - stood no chance against reality.
“SAN Chi PINCHI, SAN Chi PINCHI…”
The ZZ9 Third Wednesday meeting for January at The Sheaf, formerly known as The Wheatsheaf, had a very good turnout, although the weather was decidedly. Luckily, there was a distinct lack of New Year crowds, so we had very little trouble getting to the room we had booked. We ate, drank and talked of various things including Jim and Meike’s Groovy GCHQ Telecoms Mystery. The meetings book was passed around and the tone was lowered when reminiscences about the First Thursday raised the possibility of Helena, Deb and Sue collaborating on ZZ9 Slash. SAN-loss occured. Sadly, we didn’t have a string-of-imitation-pearls hair band being mistaken for a string-of-imitation-pearls cock ring as an excuse. Worse, the latest World’s Greatest Miley Cyrus Joke, about her duet with Madonna being Twerk experience, did not appear in Metro until the fifth Wednesday of the month. Fortunately, the drinks and conversation flowed ever onwards and all else was forgotten - unless someone wrote it up in a fanzine at some later point in time. Oh how we laughed as we maintained the old tradition - as per ancient charter - of talking toot in the pub.
“…”
Reason not withstanding, the universe continued unabated. America’s ongoing problems with wildfires, flooding and lunatics with guns - some of them police - shooting each other were reduced in significance when a sudden freeze and powerful winds combined into a “polar vortex” that took temperatures in America and Canada to their coldest for 20 years. Cities were reduced to a standstill by snow, supplies ran low and even Niagera Falls froze over. Naturally, there were deaths, but mercifully few of them. As ever, the otherwise un-noticed men and women of the emergency services stood to and did what had to be done, saving lives and demonstrating Humanity at its best. Political instability, mass killings and corruption remained rife in Africa, but no-one took much notice, probably because there was no oil involved. The Middle East continued to teeter on the edge, whilst in the Ukraine, protests and police clampdowns escalated towards the brink of civil war. Depending on your viewpoint, this was either the best of times or the worst of times for their President to go on sick leave, but he did so anyway. The violence carried on, regardless. In Russia, two suicide bombings in Volgograd, site of the forthcoming Winter Olympics led to a city-wide lockdown, with Russian President and raging homophobe Vladimir Putin apparently being very concerned about Islamic militants breaching his ring of steel. I thought they were just targeting the Winter Olympics, being personally unfamiliar with the thinking of madmen - and Islamic extremists. Meanwhile in North Korea, Kim Jong-Un, having executed his uncle Jang Song-Thaek, began purging his uncle’s relatives. Whether this would make people respect his authoritaaaiii remained to be seen.
“He reads Soldier of Fortune one-handed…”
Meanwhile, in a universe at least superficially not entirely unlike our own, the latest episode of Kevin’s G.U.R.P.S™ diverted back to our team of UN.I.T renegade, who had managed to protect a full-blood Garou chemist, whilst policing up the last samples of a drug that actually allowed people to see into time - and made them targets for the Hounds of Tindalos, Mythos creatures given to preying on those who meddle with time, unprotected. Things were simplified by the arrival of The Winter King - also known as Santa - who offered to shelter the unfortunate chemist in his Timeless realm. This was apparently due to the actions of our other team, in different adventure. He also suggested that we might want to form a band - or least become the road crew for a band - so that we could travel far and wide with large amounts of equipment without too many questions being asked.
Soon afterwards, we got a lead to the group we had an interest in - Harry’s Boys. After running the gauntlet at the Punch and Headbutt and not starting a fight, we got to meet the people in question. Although they had a fearsome reputation, it soon turned out that we had a lot in common - particularly the kind of people they were tackling. So in due course, we found ourselves stealing a cargo of SG4 Upgrade nanites, and then releasing said nanites into a bank - which was a Karotechia front operation - with the occasional late-night lock-in, followed by a party with Goths, punks and military wannabes in between jobs. Our crime spree culminated in a robbery on another bank that was a front for Pentex. As its protection included a Necromancer, a corrupted Garou and a Dragon, we ended up having to do a lot of planning. Not to mention thinking, re-thinking and strategising. Eventually though, we came up with a plan. Making use of our various resources, including Anand’s mage character’s research facility in the Fae realm, we constructed a device that would temporarily neutralise magic in the area, then carried out the raid using mundane means. Things went well enough that we were taken to meet the people we had really been looking for all along - Saviour, the organisation that Harry’s Boys were working for. Oddly enough, the nature of the operations that had got our superiors so concerned all made sense when we learned that this was being run by the Sisters of Hippolyta, an order of holy mages. Their leader was not at all happy to learn who we were, but we managed to come to an agreement, whereby we could work together, without handing them over to those who would destroy or exploit them.
So, another mission was more or less successfully concluded - given that the Crawling Chaos did not make manifest, not even as Nyaruko-San - with our team intact. Although it had gone on later than usual, we even managed to make our way home afterwards in reasonably good order, having had an enjoyably challenging game.
“…”
In a world of hurts, filled with lands of confusion, the havens were all too few and far between. On the legal front, there was a spike of outrage, when the inquest into the killing of Mark Duggan found that the police who shot him had acted lawfully. Given that the original killing in 2011 had sparked riots across Britain, it could have ended in further violence. Somehow sanity prevailed, fortunately. Meanwhile, the trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson continued apace, having failed to outdo the epic legal saga of the late Jimmy Savile’s crimes. Ian Watkins of The Lostprophets, having admitted to abusing children, began planning his appeal, whilst Rolf Harris faced further charges. The “Higella” scandal ended, not that anyone was particularly interested in their pitiful attention-seeking. However, these were as nothing compared to the headline-grabbing trials of Dave Lee Travis and William Roach. Meanwhile, an Italian court overturned the acquittal of Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito for the murder of Meredith Kercher, sparking further controversy. On the sporting front, racing driver Michael Schumacher was hospitalised after a skiing accident, although after a month in a coma, doctors said he was starting to respond to treatment. Meanwhile, in the world of science and technology, the Chinese Yutu lunar rover apparently began to malfunction, having not long begun its mission on the moon. However, rumours that Ireland were still planning to send Bono and his band mates into space remained unconfirmed. Meanwhile, the European space Agency brought the Rosetta probe back online, after shutting it down to conserve power. This left the way clear for Rosetta to intercept comet 67P and drop a lander on it. It was another great day for space science.
“Dude - Wrong Film…”
Deb’s 42nd Birthday celebration began at the AMF Hollywood Bowl, Canada Water, in London’s Docklands. Whilst the idea of turning up to go bowling in bathrobe and sandals, looking like I’d just got out of bed to channel my inner Jeff Bridges, was not without a certain appeal, Deb had specified that Grease was the word, not to mention the theme of the event. So, I coaxed my hair into a so-so quiff, donned jeans, leather jacket and a white T-shirt. Much to my surprise, I had the Best Natural Quiff and Size 42 Bowling Shoes, although Shaun had the Most Noticeable Wig and Helena won Best Dress and Hairdo hands down. Meanwhile, Deb and Rachel were the Pinkest Ladies and the Chuck Berry Reference went to Jonny “B Goode” 5. Naturally, the Lobster was the Surrealistest. When it came to the actual bowling, Alex was the Most Serious, although Hazel and Robert both beat him, whilst Wag and Helena were the First to Score 42, although they were beaten by their own children. All this beating may have involved whips and chains, but I didn’t like to ask - someone might have told me. Otherwise, we rejected common sense to make the impossible possible - because that’s the way Team Gurren rolls - and agreed that wherever he was, The Dude also rolled and abided. Finally, having got the cinematic references out of the way and finished our games, we departed. A couple of Deb’s friends joined us and we headed for the nearby pizza restaurant, where we were briefly joined by Liam, who had apparently come as The Edge. The rest of the evening was spent eating, drinking, conversing and wondering why Wag had a pink drink in a four-pint jug. It looked like something from the Kelis Yard of Milkshake Competition, but was apparently a daiquiri. Fortunately for those present, the drinks and conversation flowed ever onwards and the matter was forgotten - unless someone wrote it up in a fanzine afterwards. There were several renderings of Happy Birthday - including the one for Deb - and much merriment all around, before we finally paid our bill and went our various ways. It had been a fun night out and we’d all had a great time - which was all we needed.
“T-Day Minus 58 and Counting …”
In spite of the government’s claims that the economy was recovering, I still found the number of jobs I was eligible to apply for to be rather small. That said, a couple of the senior managers found jobs and even I managed to make a few applications. The worrying news was the number of vacancies that were either not as described or which had possibly been filled before they were advertised. Whilst I could sympathise with a Human Resources department desperately trying to avoid staff redundancies, it was not helping my fellow agency staff and I to find proper work. Reading about cutbacks in various sectors, I began to think that if this was what it was like during an economic recovery, I didn’t want to think about how bad it would be if it was failing. One report in the Evening Standard went so far as to suggest that with all the cuts, businesses could find themselves short of people who could afford their products and services. I suspected such companies would respond to a shortage of local consumers by outsourcing the consumer end of their business to other countries…
“I celebrated the 40th Anniversary of Dungeons & Dragons™ and I had [rolls dice, consults table] an Excellent time…”
On 26 January 1974, Dungeons & Dragons™ was officially launched. 40 years later, on 26 January 2014, Robert held a 40th Anniversary game, using original rules, dice and figures of the period. In spite of the weather and bus diversions, I was on time and the rest arrived soon after. We talked a while about Dragonmeet 2013, Ian Livingstone CBE, Steve Jackson and the early years of Games Workshop™. It was an entertaining reminiscence for those of us who remembered when White Dwarf was a games magazine, rather than a Games Workshop™ catalogue. The British gaming industry also got a mention, especially in terms of the gaming figures sector. Then it was on to the game itself. Robert had pre-generated our characters and given some of us secret agendas, for added depth. Thus began An Unorthodox Meander: Here There and Everywhere In Between as chronicled by Panzie the Hobbit.
At the Village Inn, our party learned that The Evil Wizard Llebney had been terrorising the village - until someone knifed him to death. This left his Dungeon Lair largely unguarded, so Muttock the Wizard, Deukesvault the Cleric, Luvvy the Elf and Clump the Dwarf were keen to get in there and loot the place. However, as Panzie, I managed to persuade them that a hearty meal and a night’s rest beforehand was a good idea. The next day, without even stopping for Second Breakfast, we departed for the dungeon, accompanied by The Annoying Hobbit Song. At the entrance we found a corpse, an empty Bag of Holding and nearby, a marker stone with a big red fish painted on it. It was indeed a Herring. Once inside, Clump and I found a door marked Undead - so we called in Deukesvault to turn them, leading to some lewd comments about Luvvy, turning. However, this was forgotten when Muttock set off a trap, unleashing a Dildo Monster. Luckily, it proved vulnerable to his Magic Missile Spell. In the Room of Undead, the skeletons were easily turned, but hilarity ensued when the Mummy proved unexpectedly resilient. Luckily, it wasn’t fire-proof, although it cost us one of our lanterns. Moving on, we stayed away from a Trapdoor over a Spiked Pit and found Llebney’s collection of Magical Items in a Storage Room. These included a Magic Ring that made everything invisible to the wearer, a Mace of Happiness that left anyone who handled it helpless with bliss, some Magical Gold Coins and a Locate Hands Spell Scroll. Luckily, Robert had decided to spare us the Exploding Balls Spell. Prying the Mace out of Luvvy’s hands, we moved on and eventually found a Room of Henchmen. Unluckily, they overheard me warning the party, but Muttock’s Sleep Spell put them all out for the count - and their Tap-Dancing Amphibians, too. Most of us felt that tying them up was enough, but Muttock decided that killing all but one of them was necessary. The surviving prisoner told us where to find Llebney’s Staff and we headed off, found the Secret Entrance and avoided the obligatory Slime before finding The Staff with The Knob on The End.
At this point Deukesvault revealed that he was on a Mission from his God to destroy the Staff. Muttock showed his true colours by threatening him and demanding the Staff, at which point I swallowed a Potion of Magical Immunity and revealed that Muttock was Llebney’s brother. There was hilarity, but we prevailed, killing Muttock and destroying the Staff. Then Deukesvault healed the mortally wounded Luvvy and I found a Secret Escape Tunnel that led outside. It emerged right next to the marker stone with a big red fish painted on it. Once back at the Inn we were able to examine our loot and Clump discovered that, in daylight, the Magical Gold Coins turned into mud. So ended our adventure, where it had begun. As it turned out, we managed to consume plenty of snacks and beer and learn that the Cherry flavoured coke had a vile artificial aftertaste. By contrast, the oat cookies with stem ginger naturally tasted strongly of ginger - resulting in a lewd Biggles joke. Fortunately the drinks and conversation flowed onwards until it was time to depart and the matter was forgotten - unless someone wrote it up in a fanzine afterwards.
“Memento Mori…”
January’s noteworthy deaths began with Phil Everly, of The Everly Brothers. Actor James Avery, best known as Philip Banks in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air followed suit, as did film producer Sir Run Run Shaw, the man behind numerous kung-fu films - as well as the science-fiction classic Blade Runner - whose signings included actor Chow Yun-Fat and director John Woo. Former Prime Minister of Israel, Ariel Sharon died after eight years in a coma, actress Alexandra Bastedo best known for her role in 1960s television series The Champions succumbed to cancer, as did actor Roger Lloyd-Pack of Only Fools and Horses fame and Eric Lawson, the actor best known as The Marlboro Man, from the 1970s cigarette adverts, died of pulmonary lung disease, due to smoking. Singer, activist and folk music legend Pete Seeger laid down his banjo, amid numerous tributes from the musical world and last but not least, actor, writer and director Maximilian Schell bowed out. Rest in Peace…