(no subject)
I'm in such a place that i cant begin to believe in anything, i cant hold a thought thats positive for longer than maybe a couple of hours and the prospect of thinking about thinking about the future makes me want to pass out. this free-falling-gap-year-cabaret has begun on an almighty slum and the slope is rapidly steepening.
i could barely cope with the thought of myself going to university, being the victim of some horrible realisation that im having to experience other people going away is slightly more unbearable, having to experience the actions in this realisation at the moment is making me want to sit on the floor of my shower for hours and maybe burn things in a numb mental state. how dare people have alternative and instant prospects, i know they cant wait for me. i have an attachment to people that means im equally excited and anxious for them as they are for themselves, except i have the fear of maybe 20 people. i hate my bad decisions
most of all, im worried for losing benjamin, i have no fears of exceptionally-drunk-night-accessories or convenient dorm romance, im worried about the tectonic shift in lifestyles and environments. id rather drive a bolt through my hand than lose his wonderful wonderful company. id rather drive a bolt through my hand than spend two minutes when Emmy is near, but thats an irrational fear- one that overpowers every muscle and thought when she's around, but an irrational one none the less- i can predict the future but i hope with strain that i am wrong. its fine that they will live very close to each other, actually.
i refuse to acknowledge my birthday after next week as being any older than a ridiculous teenager is nothing i want to celebrate. i dont want to go to sri lanka and i want my university prospect to be decided now.
im full of hate, and i want to sleep forever.