Sigh
Listening to a mix I had made for a friend/former friend/complicated acquaintance some months back. Sent it out and then this person's life, which had fallen apart, reassembled. I felt like a dork for making the mix and sending it out, there were no messages in the music as one tends to inadvertently do with mixes, more a tone of sadness and a sense of peace.
Fitting then as sometimes I feel that way. Peace and sadness. I miss the people I would see on a daily basis. I don't know if I would call them friend as I've always had so few friends that it doesn't really mean anything to me. Similar to the fact that there is nobody that I admire or look up to. Why waste time on things like that?
I was about to write how I missed my old life, but which one? The lonely scared guy who was afraid to succeed or put himself out there for people? The one who listend to music all day by himself in his apartment? The one that jerked off five times a day? Do I miss the one who went out with his brother every Wednesday to a bar where it was 2 dollar pints? Was it the man who worked in a record store for 4.40 an hour for 18 months or was it the man who lived on the west side of town with his brother and would drink a glass of soy milk and eat two bananas three times a week? Was it the man who got hired at a bookstore when he smoked, was interested in things and was thin? Was it the man who lived in a condo with a friend or the man who lived in a tiny sweatbox apartment when his girlfriend took a job on a Sunday, the last day of April, and moved away 10 days later.
I don't know who I am now. I don't know that all my life leading up to this point has been a positive thing.
It is bitterly cold outside. It was bitterly cold this weekend. I spent the weekend alone and living in a manner close to the way I used to. Kept to myself. Went out in the AM, took care of stuff, came home and listend to music (Bowie & lou reed) and cooked myself dinner.
I miss the daily contact of people. People to disappoint and disgust me, to make my situation outside of my home unpleasant so that the balance can tilt and I can enjoy my home time more and more.
In two months I will have a son in my life. While I am ready and accept it(even tho sometimes it just does not seem real...nothing does) my life as I know it is coming to an end. 32 selfish years WASTED on silly things.
I've enjoyed posting and adding things to this wherehouse records myspace page and my own blogspot counterpart. But it makes me sad and makes me think about that job in a critical light that hurts to think about. I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten to do what I wanted to do in that job, would I have been so inclined to stick with it and would I have then ended up at the bookstore at all? I mean what if that was a mistake. What if I made a mistake and stuck with it, losing my youth, my twenties in the process? What did I get out my youth? Nothing. I met my now wife later in my 20s and spent the first year making up for lost time(rosey will get this line). And now here I am. In a house in Traverse City, Michigan, where there is a faith section in the newspaper and NASCAR reports on the morning radio.
When I was a kid I went to my cousin's house for one reason or another. This is in Grand Rapids, where two of my Grandparents dies and my parents met. I remember talking about hating trying to fall asleep, the closing of one's eyes and opening them to find it still evening and dark. I remember closing my eyes and then opening them, while standing up, to find it morning. I think of that from time to time and wish that all of my life, everything that unfolded after that moment were a dream, my imagination. Of course why would I dream such a sucky life up until now?
I do have a few redeeming things about me. Charm. Charisma. (Hubris?) Sense of humor. Good memory, used to be good in bed. Used to have great hair. Used to smoke. Used to be able to drink. Used to be funny.
Well my computer is heading to sleep, battery issues. I head off to sleep now too.
Fitting then as sometimes I feel that way. Peace and sadness. I miss the people I would see on a daily basis. I don't know if I would call them friend as I've always had so few friends that it doesn't really mean anything to me. Similar to the fact that there is nobody that I admire or look up to. Why waste time on things like that?
I was about to write how I missed my old life, but which one? The lonely scared guy who was afraid to succeed or put himself out there for people? The one who listend to music all day by himself in his apartment? The one that jerked off five times a day? Do I miss the one who went out with his brother every Wednesday to a bar where it was 2 dollar pints? Was it the man who worked in a record store for 4.40 an hour for 18 months or was it the man who lived on the west side of town with his brother and would drink a glass of soy milk and eat two bananas three times a week? Was it the man who got hired at a bookstore when he smoked, was interested in things and was thin? Was it the man who lived in a condo with a friend or the man who lived in a tiny sweatbox apartment when his girlfriend took a job on a Sunday, the last day of April, and moved away 10 days later.
I don't know who I am now. I don't know that all my life leading up to this point has been a positive thing.
It is bitterly cold outside. It was bitterly cold this weekend. I spent the weekend alone and living in a manner close to the way I used to. Kept to myself. Went out in the AM, took care of stuff, came home and listend to music (Bowie & lou reed) and cooked myself dinner.
I miss the daily contact of people. People to disappoint and disgust me, to make my situation outside of my home unpleasant so that the balance can tilt and I can enjoy my home time more and more.
In two months I will have a son in my life. While I am ready and accept it(even tho sometimes it just does not seem real...nothing does) my life as I know it is coming to an end. 32 selfish years WASTED on silly things.
I've enjoyed posting and adding things to this wherehouse records myspace page and my own blogspot counterpart. But it makes me sad and makes me think about that job in a critical light that hurts to think about. I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten to do what I wanted to do in that job, would I have been so inclined to stick with it and would I have then ended up at the bookstore at all? I mean what if that was a mistake. What if I made a mistake and stuck with it, losing my youth, my twenties in the process? What did I get out my youth? Nothing. I met my now wife later in my 20s and spent the first year making up for lost time(rosey will get this line). And now here I am. In a house in Traverse City, Michigan, where there is a faith section in the newspaper and NASCAR reports on the morning radio.
When I was a kid I went to my cousin's house for one reason or another. This is in Grand Rapids, where two of my Grandparents dies and my parents met. I remember talking about hating trying to fall asleep, the closing of one's eyes and opening them to find it still evening and dark. I remember closing my eyes and then opening them, while standing up, to find it morning. I think of that from time to time and wish that all of my life, everything that unfolded after that moment were a dream, my imagination. Of course why would I dream such a sucky life up until now?
I do have a few redeeming things about me. Charm. Charisma. (Hubris?) Sense of humor. Good memory, used to be good in bed. Used to have great hair. Used to smoke. Used to be able to drink. Used to be funny.
Well my computer is heading to sleep, battery issues. I head off to sleep now too.