OOC: Reclaiming OR: All The Things You Never Wanted to Know
You all know I'm not fond of putting ooc business up in my ic journal but I thought that just this once it was justified. Don't read if you don't feel like it and if you do, I appreciate you taking the time to get through it all. Another post with contact info and game talk and tumblr's and all that jazz will follow shortly.
This is a post I've attempted to make four different times since March only to find my entry eaten every single time. Yesterday's post by wow_storygirl prompted me to try yet again though at this point I think I have probably been out of sight long enough to be forgotten by a lot of people. But I feel like talking anyway since I never really left.
I know that I seemed to have disappeared back in March; I didn't exactly, but I did get very busy and for once this is a good thing. Suffice it to say that for the past couple of years life has been pretty awful; if an aspect could be bad it was horrendous. So in February I decided that all of that needed to change. I know I don't have control over everything but I thought I'd start working on what I did have control over. So for the month of February I plotted and planned and in March I got to work.
I started first by working on my house; this is a hefty amount of work and almost done. It's down to putting up shelves and hanging pictures. There's just one tiny room left to gut (literally) and some furniture to replace, which means I'll be building things soon. But the house is good, we've had work done on the car so it's working now and we even fixed up the yard. Woo! That may sound trivial but if you're not comfortable where you live, it's a problem that will affect every other aspect of your life. And I can relax now and not be so distracted by the awfulness of this place that I can't focus on anything else.
On top of this I have about a thousand and one health problems; they don't get along with one another and have frequent wars not only with my body but with each other. This is always a fun thing. I can't cure myself of diabetes or arthritis or asthma or anything else I have but a few careful tweaks can sometimes make all the difference. A few minor changes and it wasn't long before I started taking my 2 year old for daily walks. Next week we're going to start dancing and tomorrow we begin yoga. And I feel better for the little bit that we've done so far and as a bonus I've lost 10 pounds since the end of March. It's not noticeable to anyone but me but you know what? I'm not doing this for anyone else.
I've also stopped wasting my time on people who don't deserve it. My loyalty and caring are given now when they're deserved. No one has the right to make me feel like crap but me. And I must be honest, I try pretty hard not to do that to myself. ;) My list of friends may be small but it is a very good list. And on that note I seem to have started a friendship with my sister-in-law; we've only met once and that was a good eight years ago but we're writing regularly, really talking, and it's nice. And when the in-laws come to visit in September (my mother-in-law and I also write) she'll be coming with them. I've also reconnected with friends from my past, in person, and drug my family along for the ride. We're going places and doing things for a change and Moya has other little girls to play with once in a while.
I'm reading again. After three years of not touching a book I've read seven in the past three months. I can't tell you how wonderful that is. I've also sold some art... to a woman who breeds horses, she wanted it for her website, and I have a waiting list of people wanting to commission tattoo designs from me. I'm not certain why but I'm not complaining. You want my art on your body for the rest of your life? Spiffy!
Last but not least: writing. I'm not really much of a role player. I love it when I can get into it but I'm not so good at jumping in with people I don't know anymore. Rp, for me, was always a place to take all of the extra characters in my head who weren't going to get their own novels or short stories or whatever when they wouldn't leave me alone. Writing was where I spent my time and I spent my time consistently from the age of 14 to 30 working on the history of this world I'd created. And then I lost roughly half of my material. And my backup failed. And I was devastated.
It was soul crushing. I have been depressed before but never that depressed. Ever. For the better part of the last two years I haven't written a thing, I would force things to fill in rp gaps but there was nothing else, nothing that was for me, nothing that was meant to get the first of my novels published. None of my creations. It was too depressing. I'd sit down to type or pick up a pencil and just want to cry, and sometimes I did, for all the work I'd lost and couldn't fathom how to start over or where. It didn't just stop me writing, it stopped me from doing anything creative because my drawing, my painting, all of it was tied to what I was writing.
And then February came and little bits of story started popping into my head again. Truthfully it was that that prompted the changes in outlook on everything else. I've written chaotically, dozens of little bits of dozens of different stories filtering out. And that's ok because I was writing, if not every day, several times a week. A month ago I picked one hour in which I have to do nothing but write every day, whatever comes out, however much or little it's fine. Just do it. And then this short little paragraph popped out one day and the next day another paragraph that went with the first one and for almost two weeks I've worked on one solid story. It's very short and I don't know where it's going but for the first time in at least two years I like what's coming out and I read over it and I'm hopeful. It's not the series I'd planned to have the first of published by now, but that doesn't mean it won't be as good and that doesn't mean I can't publish it instead, whatever it ends up being, or that I won't be able to get back to that massive world. Anything is possible.
And in the meantime I'm getting healthy, I'm taking my daughter out and showing her everything I can. We chase bubbles in the backyard and she introduces me to people when we're out shopping as 'my best friend, mommy' and gets mad at me if I don't agree with her that I'm beautiful. I'm making our house and yard a place we want to escape to and spending my weekends with a husband who can't get enough of me. My free time is filled with art and refurbishment projects and hide-and-seek and making slime and a toddler in my lap for Doctor Who and Harry Potter marathons (at her insistence!). And you know what? I'm happy. And that's something I haven't been able to say in a very, very long time.
So I didn't disappear, I'm just taking a few things back that I never should have lost to begin with and in the process I'm freeing up more time to say hi to all of you. Because I do care about all of you and you are on that oh-so-short but oh-so-precious list of friends.
Things have a way of twisting and turning and doing everything but what you expect but just because the road goes on longer than you'd thought doesn't mean it won't take you somewhere wonderful. So my road's had a few bridges out and I've had to take some detours. That's ok. My journey may be taking longer than I'd intended but I'll get there eventually.
This is a post I've attempted to make four different times since March only to find my entry eaten every single time. Yesterday's post by wow_storygirl prompted me to try yet again though at this point I think I have probably been out of sight long enough to be forgotten by a lot of people. But I feel like talking anyway since I never really left.
I know that I seemed to have disappeared back in March; I didn't exactly, but I did get very busy and for once this is a good thing. Suffice it to say that for the past couple of years life has been pretty awful; if an aspect could be bad it was horrendous. So in February I decided that all of that needed to change. I know I don't have control over everything but I thought I'd start working on what I did have control over. So for the month of February I plotted and planned and in March I got to work.
I started first by working on my house; this is a hefty amount of work and almost done. It's down to putting up shelves and hanging pictures. There's just one tiny room left to gut (literally) and some furniture to replace, which means I'll be building things soon. But the house is good, we've had work done on the car so it's working now and we even fixed up the yard. Woo! That may sound trivial but if you're not comfortable where you live, it's a problem that will affect every other aspect of your life. And I can relax now and not be so distracted by the awfulness of this place that I can't focus on anything else.
On top of this I have about a thousand and one health problems; they don't get along with one another and have frequent wars not only with my body but with each other. This is always a fun thing. I can't cure myself of diabetes or arthritis or asthma or anything else I have but a few careful tweaks can sometimes make all the difference. A few minor changes and it wasn't long before I started taking my 2 year old for daily walks. Next week we're going to start dancing and tomorrow we begin yoga. And I feel better for the little bit that we've done so far and as a bonus I've lost 10 pounds since the end of March. It's not noticeable to anyone but me but you know what? I'm not doing this for anyone else.
I've also stopped wasting my time on people who don't deserve it. My loyalty and caring are given now when they're deserved. No one has the right to make me feel like crap but me. And I must be honest, I try pretty hard not to do that to myself. ;) My list of friends may be small but it is a very good list. And on that note I seem to have started a friendship with my sister-in-law; we've only met once and that was a good eight years ago but we're writing regularly, really talking, and it's nice. And when the in-laws come to visit in September (my mother-in-law and I also write) she'll be coming with them. I've also reconnected with friends from my past, in person, and drug my family along for the ride. We're going places and doing things for a change and Moya has other little girls to play with once in a while.
I'm reading again. After three years of not touching a book I've read seven in the past three months. I can't tell you how wonderful that is. I've also sold some art... to a woman who breeds horses, she wanted it for her website, and I have a waiting list of people wanting to commission tattoo designs from me. I'm not certain why but I'm not complaining. You want my art on your body for the rest of your life? Spiffy!
Last but not least: writing. I'm not really much of a role player. I love it when I can get into it but I'm not so good at jumping in with people I don't know anymore. Rp, for me, was always a place to take all of the extra characters in my head who weren't going to get their own novels or short stories or whatever when they wouldn't leave me alone. Writing was where I spent my time and I spent my time consistently from the age of 14 to 30 working on the history of this world I'd created. And then I lost roughly half of my material. And my backup failed. And I was devastated.
It was soul crushing. I have been depressed before but never that depressed. Ever. For the better part of the last two years I haven't written a thing, I would force things to fill in rp gaps but there was nothing else, nothing that was for me, nothing that was meant to get the first of my novels published. None of my creations. It was too depressing. I'd sit down to type or pick up a pencil and just want to cry, and sometimes I did, for all the work I'd lost and couldn't fathom how to start over or where. It didn't just stop me writing, it stopped me from doing anything creative because my drawing, my painting, all of it was tied to what I was writing.
And then February came and little bits of story started popping into my head again. Truthfully it was that that prompted the changes in outlook on everything else. I've written chaotically, dozens of little bits of dozens of different stories filtering out. And that's ok because I was writing, if not every day, several times a week. A month ago I picked one hour in which I have to do nothing but write every day, whatever comes out, however much or little it's fine. Just do it. And then this short little paragraph popped out one day and the next day another paragraph that went with the first one and for almost two weeks I've worked on one solid story. It's very short and I don't know where it's going but for the first time in at least two years I like what's coming out and I read over it and I'm hopeful. It's not the series I'd planned to have the first of published by now, but that doesn't mean it won't be as good and that doesn't mean I can't publish it instead, whatever it ends up being, or that I won't be able to get back to that massive world. Anything is possible.
And in the meantime I'm getting healthy, I'm taking my daughter out and showing her everything I can. We chase bubbles in the backyard and she introduces me to people when we're out shopping as 'my best friend, mommy' and gets mad at me if I don't agree with her that I'm beautiful. I'm making our house and yard a place we want to escape to and spending my weekends with a husband who can't get enough of me. My free time is filled with art and refurbishment projects and hide-and-seek and making slime and a toddler in my lap for Doctor Who and Harry Potter marathons (at her insistence!). And you know what? I'm happy. And that's something I haven't been able to say in a very, very long time.
So I didn't disappear, I'm just taking a few things back that I never should have lost to begin with and in the process I'm freeing up more time to say hi to all of you. Because I do care about all of you and you are on that oh-so-short but oh-so-precious list of friends.
Things have a way of twisting and turning and doing everything but what you expect but just because the road goes on longer than you'd thought doesn't mean it won't take you somewhere wonderful. So my road's had a few bridges out and I've had to take some detours. That's ok. My journey may be taking longer than I'd intended but I'll get there eventually.