Catharsis?
Yeah, so I was pretty much done with LJ, mostly because I had nothing to say. I didn't anticipate having something to post any time soon until very recently. This might be my last post...but will probably just be one of a sporadic number of posts to come in the months/years ahead. In fact, if I wasn't so sure that this would only be read by a small number of people, I probably wouldn't even be using this.
I have been in a mental funk for about three weeks now, give or take a few days. There are times when I'm in a good mood, laughing, smiling, etc. There are other times when I'm really depressed and just don't feel like doing anything other than wallowing in it. No, I'm not suddenly bipolar or even manic depressive...I know it's all temporary, but it's taking so damn long to wear off!
A little over three months ago, I met a girl, Sonia, online that shared a lot of my outlooks on life and a few of my hobbies. I was leery about meeting her, just because I have dabbled online before and never really had much luck for it, but after a few conversations I decided to give it a shot. We met in Fitchburg, where she lives, and went for a drive (we share the same habit as well). After a couple hours of that, it was time for us to head our separate ways for the night, but I knew then that I had met someone really special.
We clicked on so many levels it was ridiculous. If I wasn't 100% certain that we weren't related, I'd swear she was my slightly younger female twin (mentally, we don't look alike). I asked her if she wanted to do it again a couple nights later and she agreed. That time, we drove around, then grabbed dinner at Il Forno. Again, it was an amazing time and the hours flew by. That weekend was a friend's birthday party in Leominster. I was telling her about it and she invited me to stop by her place for a few beforehand if I wanted and we could chat and smoke again.
I took her up on the offer, of course, because at this point she'd started to feel like real girlfriend material...and I was starting to think she might be interested as well. As I was leaving her place for my friend's, I hesitated a minute, trying to work up the will to let her know I liked her and was interested in something more. I chose to refrain, though, but she noticed the moment of indecision because she asked me about it later that night when we were trading txts. I copped to being really tentative at making the first move, but said I'd rather not get into it in txt form and asked if she'd like to get together on St. Patrick's Day down my way.
We tried to go to the local Irish-themed pub, but the cover was ridiculous, so we went to the pool place a few buildings down...and it was league night. So we played darts for a bit, then went back to my place to watch a movie (The Big Lebowski - she'd never seen it). When it was over and she was getting ready to leave, I went for it. I was later told the way I went about it was "very sweet." She wasn't sure if she was looking for a boyfriend, so I said we could just go with the flow and see where it led us, to which she agreed. We shared a couple kisses, trying it out, and it seemed to work pretty well.
From there, we were together fairly regularly. I helped her move from her apt. to her new house, and she came to Opening Day and the 4/20 Red Sox games with me. We went to see Stephen Lynch in Worcester after an early dinner at Vinnie T's a couple towns over. I slept over her place a lot, she over mine here and there pretty regularly. We got into a nice schedule, but every once in awhile, her old disquiet about being in a relationship - even though ours was still pretty undefined and casual - would come up and we'd have a brief discussion about it. I kept assuring her that it had only been a short time and we both seemed to be enjoying it, so there was no need to rush to any kind of a decision that early. She agreed both times, and I made sure she was okay with it. So we kept on, but there were obvious feelings developing both ways, more strongly from my camp.
Even now, I don't know what happened. After she moved into her new house and began to start putting it in order, she began to grow very distant when we were together. Our txt'ing back-and-forth during the day went from hyperactive to lethargic. When we were intimate, I would often have trouble reaching the endgame, which bothered her even though I told her it didn't bother me as long as she reached her conclusion (she was honest when she didn't, which I can somewhat-proudly say was hardly ever). We had a few ideas as to how to fix that, but never really got to implement any of them. I would never go over without her invite, but it began to feel like the invitations were out of obligation and my presence, while welcome, more of a distraction. Her earlier flirtatiousness had mostly vanished and was being replaced by a sort of casual regard.
Her trips to my house decreased...one time, after we'd planned for her to come over to watch a movie (since our get-togethers had reached a point where I sat around and watched her paint her room or do some other kind of home-improving project; I offered to help and frequently did, but she was usually happier to do it herself and just chit-chat), she took a nap and didn't wake up to the alarm. When I finally woke her up with a phone call, she said she'd get herself together and head down. An hour later, she still hadn't shown or said she was on her way, and I called her back to find she'd fallen back asleep and wasn't even close to ready. I was irritated, a little stung that she couldn't find the will to wake up earlier and come see me after we'd planned it. I told her she didn't have to come down if she didn't want to, but she did anyway because she'd promised. It ended up being a pretty fun night, but it was one of the last times she ended up sleeping over.
In early May, we went to bed one night and began to enjoy the other's company and I didn't have any issues for a change. The next morning, she told me that she hadn't finished the night before, so I rectified that situation. She went off to work and I went home, not knowing it would be the final time we'd be intimate. A couple days later, we went out for one of my friend's birthday, dinner at the Longhorn in Leominster. She forgot her wallet at home, so I paid her way and said she could settle up with me later (she refused to let me pay for her stuff unless it was something really cheap). We had a good time and went back to her place for a bit. She ended up going out with some friends for their usual Thursday activities and I went home. It was probably our last real night together.
By this point, the distance was beginning to feel like it was growing on a daily basis, with seemingly no way to stop it. I had asked her about it not too long before and she acknowledged it and apologized, but said she didn't know why it was happening either. That weekend, she said she would be unavailable to hang out, but might be able to say hi on the phone or exchange txts here and there. For some reason, I decided it would be a good idea to get everything I was feeling out in an e-mail, thinking it would help her decision-making process. I guess it did, though she would later tell me that she'd already made up her mind to talk to me about things before reading it.
I didn't receive a response from her that day...or that night...or the next morning. I didn't call or txt her because I had said I would let her be. If I had stuck to that promise, I'm not sure if we'd still be together or if it would have just prolonged things a little bit more. Concerned about her lack of response, I decided to swing by her place when I drove up to Townsend to fetch something I needed for my newspaper job. My excuse was that I had two shirts of hers that she'd left at my place and wanted to get them to her in case she wanted to wear them in the coming days. Yes, lame, I know.
So I showed up on her doorstep on Mother's Day, not thinking her mother, with whom she had a somewhat combative relationship, would be there. Of course, I was wrong. After an awkward few minutes chatting with her mother, whom I knew (more on that later), she went home and Sonia went out back to chat a bit. She asked if I wanted my stuff back, interpreting my delivery of her shirts as a sign that, despite all I'd just said in my e-mail, I didn't want to see her anymore. I told her that wasn't the case and that I was just concerned when she didn't send any kind of acknowledgment my way, how I didn't know if that meant she hadn't read the e-mail yet and wondering if I was holding off on communicating with her for nothing. We parted with a kiss and a smile and I thought things were okay.
A couple days later, I called her to apologize for it, and for showing up unannounced, uninvited. She accepted the apology, but I could tell I was wrong about things being fine. A couple nights later, she asked if she could come over and I said sure. My best friend had just come up from NC for his brother's graduation and I wanted her to meet him and vice versa. On the way over to his house, we started talking about things and I could tell right away that they were in more jeopardy than I had thought. We paused long enough to visit him for a bit, then went back to my place to finish talking.
In the end, there was nothing I could do to change her mind. Even though I'd never considered us officially boyfriend and girlfriend, because she didn't want that, she said we pretty much were, just without the title. And she wasn't in a place for that. She had too much on her plate with the new house and all the repairs and upgrades that came with it, including readying a room downstairs for a tenant and providing for her best friend and said friend's son, who lived upstairs, as well as her own sister, whom Sonia has legal custody of, and their mutual friend, both still in high school. She had a lot of planned trips coming up and her schedule, as she had warned me it would, was getting crazy. She knew she didn't have the time or the emotional focus to be in a committed relationship and felt I deserved better than that.
I explained that she was the one I wanted - and still is - and that I was okay with that and would work around it as long as it meant I could still see her and be with her. She wouldn't go for it, though, but did say she wasn't closing the door for good, because she did like me and did enjoy being with me. However, she told me not to wait around for her to become emotionally available, because it could and probably would be a very long wait. We vowed to remain friends, and have so far, and parted with a kiss so we could have a positive memory about how it all ended.
And that was that. It was fortunate timing that my friend was around and the rest of our usual crew made themselves available during the week he was up as well, because it definitely helped to have those people around as I was coping with it. I guess I still am.
I mentioned earlier that I know her mother: she is the on-again, off-again significant other to a guy who used to live at my one-time home in Leominster, when I lived in my friend's mom's basement. Sonia's mother was over a lot and actually ended up taking my room when I moved to Ayer, though both she and he have both moved out of that place since. She'd often told me I'd like her daughter and should hang around to meet her one night, but it never worked out. A year ago, a couple friends and I went to an apartment in Fitchburg for a party for one of the girls that used to hit up the Holden blowouts a few years previous. We never met the person who lived in the apartment, because she was on the phone in the other room with her boyfriend the whole time. As it turns out, that was Sonia's apartment...I knew it as soon as I walked in the first time I went there after I started seeing her.
I found this out before our second time out together and she was shocked and disconcerted about my knowing her mother, though I assured her she had always been cool to me. She had already explained how she had taken custody of her younger sister due to her belief, and the court's agreement, that her mother was not a fit parent for someone with the health issues of her sister, so I knew all about how little she thought of her mother. Their relationship appears to have improved over the last couple months, so maybe that animosity will begin to fade. It's funny now to think back about how terrible she felt that I knew her mother and thought it might be enough to make me not want to see her ever again as a result.
With all that in mind, I don't think I'd be overstating things much if I said that it certainly seemed like we were "supposed" to meet each other. I generally don't buy into that stuff, but that's an awful lot of near-misses to not have some sort of explanation. I don't know if she's the love of my life...I'm not even sure if I do truly love her, but I think I might or at least could (and could have in the not-too-distant future) and am at a complete loss as to what to do.
I still have so much confusion over just what went wrong. She says it was something that built-up over time and was no one thing that I did, but something must have triggered the thought process that led her to decide we had to "talk" even before I sent her that e-mail (assuming she was being honest and not just trying to make me feel better about sending it in the first place). I keep meaning to talk to her about it, but it never feels like the right time. We've had some good times just hanging out since and she even made it down for my birthday celebration last weekend. But there is still tension...even last night, when I called her to ask about getting some stuff through her connection, she didn't sound very happy to hear from me when she picked up and was a little terse as the conversation progressed, though it ended well.
So I don't know what I should do now. I still really, really like (if not love) her and can think of several moments in the final days that made it seem like she really wanted more than what we were doing. Even last week, when she took me out for a birthday dinner, there was some chemistry going on and some sparks flying. Whatever the case, I'm happier when she's around and as the days pass, my general outlook just seems to grow more and more bleak. I want to talk to her about this, but I don't know if I should...or when. She told me she didn't want anything serious with anyone, but I'm fearing that she might find someone that can fill my shoes as her more casual companion, which I am still willing to be as long as I know that's what it is going in.
The thing that bothers me the most, though, is that I don't know if I'll easily find someone with the same outlook on life and long-term goals, many of which Sonia and I still share today. Neither one of us is too keen on the idea of getting married; she has her "dream" ceremony all planned, but doesn't think the day will ever come. As for kids, she's almost certain she won't have them (though she likes kids and is good with them) and I'm pretty sure it's not for me, either. We both want to travel and see the rest of what the world has to offer. We both want to enjoy our lives, working to enhance them instead of maintaining them. And, obviously, we both look forward to our habit of choice being legalized eventually.
I mean, to put it bluntly (pardon the pun), how many women are out there who don't want to get married or have kids, likes a lot of the same music, movies, and activities, and is all for doing the stoner thing? I don't want to say she's one in a million, but she's certainly the kind of woman you don't meet every day. Oh, and she's outgoing, funny, and attractive to boot, even with the little bit of excess weight she's been carrying around for awhile. That's a tough deal to find these days.
As the title implies, writing this was kind of a cathartic gesture for myself. It's not going to change anything, but it helps to get it out there and any comments will help a little as well (thanks to those who already posted them). I guess I'm just wondering what my next move should be...I know I have to talk to her and I hope to do so soon, but I don't anticipate that we'll return to our previous arrangement or anything similar, at least not any time in the foreseeable future.
Whatever answers I get, if any, I'll have to live with them and do my best to move on...but I really feel like I'm letting the best thing that ever happened to me ride off into the sunset with seemingly no way to stop it from fading into the distance.
It's been really hard trying to avoid thinking about that for the last three weeks...and it's getting harder.
6/18 Update: We just had a long talk about things, unexpectedly. It wasn't in the medium I would have preferred, but she said it let her say the things she's been needing to say. The air is a lot clearer now between us, but there is still a little tension in that she does not like discussing events of our romantic past with me. She claims it's because she's afraid it will give me false hope and/or lead me on, but I assured her it wouldn't. She said it's a practice she's kept with all former flames, both long- and short-term, I guess because it's easier than thinking about how things ended. I can only hope it won't last forever, because we had some awesome times that didn't involve romance and I look back on them with a smile. It bothers me to know end that she apparently can't do the same, at least around me, but I can live with that even if I have to pretend she occasionally reminisces in her private moments.
I can hope that our future times together don't have any tension and maybe I can start to move on from this, because it sounds like she is well on her way. And maybe, just maybe, we'll have a chance to revisit the relationship down the line, though right now it doesn't seem like a very probable happening.
C'est la vie...I guess I've just learned my first major lesson in love. It was the hard way, but isn't that always the way it is?
I have been in a mental funk for about three weeks now, give or take a few days. There are times when I'm in a good mood, laughing, smiling, etc. There are other times when I'm really depressed and just don't feel like doing anything other than wallowing in it. No, I'm not suddenly bipolar or even manic depressive...I know it's all temporary, but it's taking so damn long to wear off!
A little over three months ago, I met a girl, Sonia, online that shared a lot of my outlooks on life and a few of my hobbies. I was leery about meeting her, just because I have dabbled online before and never really had much luck for it, but after a few conversations I decided to give it a shot. We met in Fitchburg, where she lives, and went for a drive (we share the same habit as well). After a couple hours of that, it was time for us to head our separate ways for the night, but I knew then that I had met someone really special.
We clicked on so many levels it was ridiculous. If I wasn't 100% certain that we weren't related, I'd swear she was my slightly younger female twin (mentally, we don't look alike). I asked her if she wanted to do it again a couple nights later and she agreed. That time, we drove around, then grabbed dinner at Il Forno. Again, it was an amazing time and the hours flew by. That weekend was a friend's birthday party in Leominster. I was telling her about it and she invited me to stop by her place for a few beforehand if I wanted and we could chat and smoke again.
I took her up on the offer, of course, because at this point she'd started to feel like real girlfriend material...and I was starting to think she might be interested as well. As I was leaving her place for my friend's, I hesitated a minute, trying to work up the will to let her know I liked her and was interested in something more. I chose to refrain, though, but she noticed the moment of indecision because she asked me about it later that night when we were trading txts. I copped to being really tentative at making the first move, but said I'd rather not get into it in txt form and asked if she'd like to get together on St. Patrick's Day down my way.
We tried to go to the local Irish-themed pub, but the cover was ridiculous, so we went to the pool place a few buildings down...and it was league night. So we played darts for a bit, then went back to my place to watch a movie (The Big Lebowski - she'd never seen it). When it was over and she was getting ready to leave, I went for it. I was later told the way I went about it was "very sweet." She wasn't sure if she was looking for a boyfriend, so I said we could just go with the flow and see where it led us, to which she agreed. We shared a couple kisses, trying it out, and it seemed to work pretty well.
From there, we were together fairly regularly. I helped her move from her apt. to her new house, and she came to Opening Day and the 4/20 Red Sox games with me. We went to see Stephen Lynch in Worcester after an early dinner at Vinnie T's a couple towns over. I slept over her place a lot, she over mine here and there pretty regularly. We got into a nice schedule, but every once in awhile, her old disquiet about being in a relationship - even though ours was still pretty undefined and casual - would come up and we'd have a brief discussion about it. I kept assuring her that it had only been a short time and we both seemed to be enjoying it, so there was no need to rush to any kind of a decision that early. She agreed both times, and I made sure she was okay with it. So we kept on, but there were obvious feelings developing both ways, more strongly from my camp.
Even now, I don't know what happened. After she moved into her new house and began to start putting it in order, she began to grow very distant when we were together. Our txt'ing back-and-forth during the day went from hyperactive to lethargic. When we were intimate, I would often have trouble reaching the endgame, which bothered her even though I told her it didn't bother me as long as she reached her conclusion (she was honest when she didn't, which I can somewhat-proudly say was hardly ever). We had a few ideas as to how to fix that, but never really got to implement any of them. I would never go over without her invite, but it began to feel like the invitations were out of obligation and my presence, while welcome, more of a distraction. Her earlier flirtatiousness had mostly vanished and was being replaced by a sort of casual regard.
Her trips to my house decreased...one time, after we'd planned for her to come over to watch a movie (since our get-togethers had reached a point where I sat around and watched her paint her room or do some other kind of home-improving project; I offered to help and frequently did, but she was usually happier to do it herself and just chit-chat), she took a nap and didn't wake up to the alarm. When I finally woke her up with a phone call, she said she'd get herself together and head down. An hour later, she still hadn't shown or said she was on her way, and I called her back to find she'd fallen back asleep and wasn't even close to ready. I was irritated, a little stung that she couldn't find the will to wake up earlier and come see me after we'd planned it. I told her she didn't have to come down if she didn't want to, but she did anyway because she'd promised. It ended up being a pretty fun night, but it was one of the last times she ended up sleeping over.
In early May, we went to bed one night and began to enjoy the other's company and I didn't have any issues for a change. The next morning, she told me that she hadn't finished the night before, so I rectified that situation. She went off to work and I went home, not knowing it would be the final time we'd be intimate. A couple days later, we went out for one of my friend's birthday, dinner at the Longhorn in Leominster. She forgot her wallet at home, so I paid her way and said she could settle up with me later (she refused to let me pay for her stuff unless it was something really cheap). We had a good time and went back to her place for a bit. She ended up going out with some friends for their usual Thursday activities and I went home. It was probably our last real night together.
By this point, the distance was beginning to feel like it was growing on a daily basis, with seemingly no way to stop it. I had asked her about it not too long before and she acknowledged it and apologized, but said she didn't know why it was happening either. That weekend, she said she would be unavailable to hang out, but might be able to say hi on the phone or exchange txts here and there. For some reason, I decided it would be a good idea to get everything I was feeling out in an e-mail, thinking it would help her decision-making process. I guess it did, though she would later tell me that she'd already made up her mind to talk to me about things before reading it.
I didn't receive a response from her that day...or that night...or the next morning. I didn't call or txt her because I had said I would let her be. If I had stuck to that promise, I'm not sure if we'd still be together or if it would have just prolonged things a little bit more. Concerned about her lack of response, I decided to swing by her place when I drove up to Townsend to fetch something I needed for my newspaper job. My excuse was that I had two shirts of hers that she'd left at my place and wanted to get them to her in case she wanted to wear them in the coming days. Yes, lame, I know.
So I showed up on her doorstep on Mother's Day, not thinking her mother, with whom she had a somewhat combative relationship, would be there. Of course, I was wrong. After an awkward few minutes chatting with her mother, whom I knew (more on that later), she went home and Sonia went out back to chat a bit. She asked if I wanted my stuff back, interpreting my delivery of her shirts as a sign that, despite all I'd just said in my e-mail, I didn't want to see her anymore. I told her that wasn't the case and that I was just concerned when she didn't send any kind of acknowledgment my way, how I didn't know if that meant she hadn't read the e-mail yet and wondering if I was holding off on communicating with her for nothing. We parted with a kiss and a smile and I thought things were okay.
A couple days later, I called her to apologize for it, and for showing up unannounced, uninvited. She accepted the apology, but I could tell I was wrong about things being fine. A couple nights later, she asked if she could come over and I said sure. My best friend had just come up from NC for his brother's graduation and I wanted her to meet him and vice versa. On the way over to his house, we started talking about things and I could tell right away that they were in more jeopardy than I had thought. We paused long enough to visit him for a bit, then went back to my place to finish talking.
In the end, there was nothing I could do to change her mind. Even though I'd never considered us officially boyfriend and girlfriend, because she didn't want that, she said we pretty much were, just without the title. And she wasn't in a place for that. She had too much on her plate with the new house and all the repairs and upgrades that came with it, including readying a room downstairs for a tenant and providing for her best friend and said friend's son, who lived upstairs, as well as her own sister, whom Sonia has legal custody of, and their mutual friend, both still in high school. She had a lot of planned trips coming up and her schedule, as she had warned me it would, was getting crazy. She knew she didn't have the time or the emotional focus to be in a committed relationship and felt I deserved better than that.
I explained that she was the one I wanted - and still is - and that I was okay with that and would work around it as long as it meant I could still see her and be with her. She wouldn't go for it, though, but did say she wasn't closing the door for good, because she did like me and did enjoy being with me. However, she told me not to wait around for her to become emotionally available, because it could and probably would be a very long wait. We vowed to remain friends, and have so far, and parted with a kiss so we could have a positive memory about how it all ended.
And that was that. It was fortunate timing that my friend was around and the rest of our usual crew made themselves available during the week he was up as well, because it definitely helped to have those people around as I was coping with it. I guess I still am.
I mentioned earlier that I know her mother: she is the on-again, off-again significant other to a guy who used to live at my one-time home in Leominster, when I lived in my friend's mom's basement. Sonia's mother was over a lot and actually ended up taking my room when I moved to Ayer, though both she and he have both moved out of that place since. She'd often told me I'd like her daughter and should hang around to meet her one night, but it never worked out. A year ago, a couple friends and I went to an apartment in Fitchburg for a party for one of the girls that used to hit up the Holden blowouts a few years previous. We never met the person who lived in the apartment, because she was on the phone in the other room with her boyfriend the whole time. As it turns out, that was Sonia's apartment...I knew it as soon as I walked in the first time I went there after I started seeing her.
I found this out before our second time out together and she was shocked and disconcerted about my knowing her mother, though I assured her she had always been cool to me. She had already explained how she had taken custody of her younger sister due to her belief, and the court's agreement, that her mother was not a fit parent for someone with the health issues of her sister, so I knew all about how little she thought of her mother. Their relationship appears to have improved over the last couple months, so maybe that animosity will begin to fade. It's funny now to think back about how terrible she felt that I knew her mother and thought it might be enough to make me not want to see her ever again as a result.
With all that in mind, I don't think I'd be overstating things much if I said that it certainly seemed like we were "supposed" to meet each other. I generally don't buy into that stuff, but that's an awful lot of near-misses to not have some sort of explanation. I don't know if she's the love of my life...I'm not even sure if I do truly love her, but I think I might or at least could (and could have in the not-too-distant future) and am at a complete loss as to what to do.
I still have so much confusion over just what went wrong. She says it was something that built-up over time and was no one thing that I did, but something must have triggered the thought process that led her to decide we had to "talk" even before I sent her that e-mail (assuming she was being honest and not just trying to make me feel better about sending it in the first place). I keep meaning to talk to her about it, but it never feels like the right time. We've had some good times just hanging out since and she even made it down for my birthday celebration last weekend. But there is still tension...even last night, when I called her to ask about getting some stuff through her connection, she didn't sound very happy to hear from me when she picked up and was a little terse as the conversation progressed, though it ended well.
So I don't know what I should do now. I still really, really like (if not love) her and can think of several moments in the final days that made it seem like she really wanted more than what we were doing. Even last week, when she took me out for a birthday dinner, there was some chemistry going on and some sparks flying. Whatever the case, I'm happier when she's around and as the days pass, my general outlook just seems to grow more and more bleak. I want to talk to her about this, but I don't know if I should...or when. She told me she didn't want anything serious with anyone, but I'm fearing that she might find someone that can fill my shoes as her more casual companion, which I am still willing to be as long as I know that's what it is going in.
The thing that bothers me the most, though, is that I don't know if I'll easily find someone with the same outlook on life and long-term goals, many of which Sonia and I still share today. Neither one of us is too keen on the idea of getting married; she has her "dream" ceremony all planned, but doesn't think the day will ever come. As for kids, she's almost certain she won't have them (though she likes kids and is good with them) and I'm pretty sure it's not for me, either. We both want to travel and see the rest of what the world has to offer. We both want to enjoy our lives, working to enhance them instead of maintaining them. And, obviously, we both look forward to our habit of choice being legalized eventually.
I mean, to put it bluntly (pardon the pun), how many women are out there who don't want to get married or have kids, likes a lot of the same music, movies, and activities, and is all for doing the stoner thing? I don't want to say she's one in a million, but she's certainly the kind of woman you don't meet every day. Oh, and she's outgoing, funny, and attractive to boot, even with the little bit of excess weight she's been carrying around for awhile. That's a tough deal to find these days.
As the title implies, writing this was kind of a cathartic gesture for myself. It's not going to change anything, but it helps to get it out there and any comments will help a little as well (thanks to those who already posted them). I guess I'm just wondering what my next move should be...I know I have to talk to her and I hope to do so soon, but I don't anticipate that we'll return to our previous arrangement or anything similar, at least not any time in the foreseeable future.
Whatever answers I get, if any, I'll have to live with them and do my best to move on...but I really feel like I'm letting the best thing that ever happened to me ride off into the sunset with seemingly no way to stop it from fading into the distance.
It's been really hard trying to avoid thinking about that for the last three weeks...and it's getting harder.
6/18 Update: We just had a long talk about things, unexpectedly. It wasn't in the medium I would have preferred, but she said it let her say the things she's been needing to say. The air is a lot clearer now between us, but there is still a little tension in that she does not like discussing events of our romantic past with me. She claims it's because she's afraid it will give me false hope and/or lead me on, but I assured her it wouldn't. She said it's a practice she's kept with all former flames, both long- and short-term, I guess because it's easier than thinking about how things ended. I can only hope it won't last forever, because we had some awesome times that didn't involve romance and I look back on them with a smile. It bothers me to know end that she apparently can't do the same, at least around me, but I can live with that even if I have to pretend she occasionally reminisces in her private moments.
I can hope that our future times together don't have any tension and maybe I can start to move on from this, because it sounds like she is well on her way. And maybe, just maybe, we'll have a chance to revisit the relationship down the line, though right now it doesn't seem like a very probable happening.
C'est la vie...I guess I've just learned my first major lesson in love. It was the hard way, but isn't that always the way it is?