(no subject)
So everyone is here. Natalie, Matt, Naomi, and Ella. Plus me, my mom, and my dad.. all living in one house. And on Thursday(?) Elisabeth will be here. I'm having very mixed emotions about this. I mean, I'm extremely happy they're finally here, and the girls are gorgeous and sweet and so smart.. and I'm getting to spend some time with Natalie, which is very nice.. but.. I dont know. Its hard to have any alone time when there are 7 people in the house.. especially when 2 of them require constant attention and 2 others of them have a million questions to ask about things. And usually when they come, my room is my haven.. where I can go to be alone.. and I get to sleep in my bad and its my home and it just feels safe.. and this time.. i dont even have that. Cause Naomi is sleeping in my bed with me. Which means I had to clean my entire room and put away every little thing that was on a shelf or the desk or the dresser.. and I have nowhere to put all that stuff.. cause its a lot of stuff.. so now my entire room is in my closet. It also means we took off all the pillows and my blankets that i've been sleeping with for years and years.. and left 2 pillows and a scratchy sheet and a heavy quilt that i hate. And it also means that when i go to bed at night, she's gonna wake up.. and when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she's gonna wake me up.. and when she wakes up at 7:30 in the morning.. shes gonna wake me up. I dont know how thats gonna work out for a week. Especially the last week I'm home.
And then there's Matthew. He's a nice guy. I love him and everything.. but I dont know.. hes too friendly or something. Like he keeps asking me about my classes and what school is like.. and it would be okay if we were just sitting there talking, but he does it when I'm in the middle of trying to find Sassa outside and get him inside. And he doesnt just ask general questions.. I tell him my philosophy teacher is strange but interesting.. ans he asks me how.. and then keeps asking me how so or like what.. until i just dont know what to say anymore. It sorta annoys me.
And freaking Natalie. I love her to death and shes the only one who isnt making me crazy already.. but tonight she asked me about Chris. I had finally kind of stopped thinking about him.. at least not constantly.. and then she asked me about him. And she wanted me to tell her about him.. so I had to sit there and tell her all the things that are so great about him and why i love him so much and show her pictures of him.. and try really hard not to cry the entire time. She asked me what he was like.. and all I wanted to say was that he broke my heart. Its so hard because I miss him so much.. and I cant get away from him. And he doesnt make it even a little bit better.. he cant tell me he misses me too or actually try to talk to me.. so I know I should let go, and I tell myself to let go.. but I cant. Today was especially hard cause he loves Naomi so much.. and he always listens when I wanna tell someone how I have the most amazing nieces ever and tells me how adorable she is when I show him pictures. And thats all I wanna do today.
..Theres this thing with the women in my family.. we all have the same left foot. Its hard to explain.. but they're all the same shape and the toenails are the same and everything.. its hereditary.. and so we were talking about that tonight. And Natalie said I'd better make sure Chris has a nice left foot so my kids dont inherit mine.. that made me so happy for a second.. to think about that, and then I remembered how things are now.. and I got sad again.
So tonight I really needed to get away from things.. and either be by myself or be with my friends.. and then I come online and find out Ashley, Chloe, Sarah, and Poodle went to BAM tonight. It broke my fucking heart. I would've loved to go there with them tonight.
I thought this break was gonna be like how things were over summer.. we would all hang out all the time and we'd go to BAM almost every night.. and thats very far from how its been. I've been to BAM.. twice I think. And one of those times we were only there for 10 mins. I saw Alex and Alissa once.. Keri and Jake twice.. Kyle a few times.. Ashley like twice.. and I didnt see a lot of people at all.
Last night was one of the best nights I've had all month.. my parents went to church, then they came home and got me and we all went to Mel's Diner for dinner.. then went to the Target and I bought a movie. It was just fun. It was nice to spend time with them when they werent thinking about anything else. The whole time I've been home my mom has either been working or getting ready for Natalie and the babies to come. Thats it. She promised me we would spend a lot of time together.. just me and her.. and we watched 2 movies together. That was it. I try to talk to her about things and she either doesnt have time to listen to me or she just talks about what she needs to do for them. Its so hard. When I came home I was expecting to spend time with my family.. to do things together.. and instead, I've spent a good 75% of this break sitting around my house alone. Thats the story of my life.. loneliness.
I dont know what to do. I want just one thing in my life to be good.. purely good.. steadily good. I want one person who never hurts me or betrays me.. one person who is never too busy for me.. one person who is always there when I need them.. one person I know I can turn to no matter whats wrong. Why cant I find this person?
And then there's Matthew. He's a nice guy. I love him and everything.. but I dont know.. hes too friendly or something. Like he keeps asking me about my classes and what school is like.. and it would be okay if we were just sitting there talking, but he does it when I'm in the middle of trying to find Sassa outside and get him inside. And he doesnt just ask general questions.. I tell him my philosophy teacher is strange but interesting.. ans he asks me how.. and then keeps asking me how so or like what.. until i just dont know what to say anymore. It sorta annoys me.
And freaking Natalie. I love her to death and shes the only one who isnt making me crazy already.. but tonight she asked me about Chris. I had finally kind of stopped thinking about him.. at least not constantly.. and then she asked me about him. And she wanted me to tell her about him.. so I had to sit there and tell her all the things that are so great about him and why i love him so much and show her pictures of him.. and try really hard not to cry the entire time. She asked me what he was like.. and all I wanted to say was that he broke my heart. Its so hard because I miss him so much.. and I cant get away from him. And he doesnt make it even a little bit better.. he cant tell me he misses me too or actually try to talk to me.. so I know I should let go, and I tell myself to let go.. but I cant. Today was especially hard cause he loves Naomi so much.. and he always listens when I wanna tell someone how I have the most amazing nieces ever and tells me how adorable she is when I show him pictures. And thats all I wanna do today.
..Theres this thing with the women in my family.. we all have the same left foot. Its hard to explain.. but they're all the same shape and the toenails are the same and everything.. its hereditary.. and so we were talking about that tonight. And Natalie said I'd better make sure Chris has a nice left foot so my kids dont inherit mine.. that made me so happy for a second.. to think about that, and then I remembered how things are now.. and I got sad again.
So tonight I really needed to get away from things.. and either be by myself or be with my friends.. and then I come online and find out Ashley, Chloe, Sarah, and Poodle went to BAM tonight. It broke my fucking heart. I would've loved to go there with them tonight.
I thought this break was gonna be like how things were over summer.. we would all hang out all the time and we'd go to BAM almost every night.. and thats very far from how its been. I've been to BAM.. twice I think. And one of those times we were only there for 10 mins. I saw Alex and Alissa once.. Keri and Jake twice.. Kyle a few times.. Ashley like twice.. and I didnt see a lot of people at all.
Last night was one of the best nights I've had all month.. my parents went to church, then they came home and got me and we all went to Mel's Diner for dinner.. then went to the Target and I bought a movie. It was just fun. It was nice to spend time with them when they werent thinking about anything else. The whole time I've been home my mom has either been working or getting ready for Natalie and the babies to come. Thats it. She promised me we would spend a lot of time together.. just me and her.. and we watched 2 movies together. That was it. I try to talk to her about things and she either doesnt have time to listen to me or she just talks about what she needs to do for them. Its so hard. When I came home I was expecting to spend time with my family.. to do things together.. and instead, I've spent a good 75% of this break sitting around my house alone. Thats the story of my life.. loneliness.
I dont know what to do. I want just one thing in my life to be good.. purely good.. steadily good. I want one person who never hurts me or betrays me.. one person who is never too busy for me.. one person who is always there when I need them.. one person I know I can turn to no matter whats wrong. Why cant I find this person?