(no subject)
Aye..Why can't things ever run smoothly. I appreciate Ashley intent on telling me that she was doing to dinner, but for something for me that I wanted to know from her. That was before we were actually split to know what she was doing, not now. Far to many things go through my mind right now as is in regards to her going out that to officially know she is going out with someone is worse.
I mean, it's her life to what she does with it and how she wants to move on from everything even if it looks bad. Honestly, from anyone stand point it looks bad she is going out to dinner with another guy even with no intent on anything. It's just how it's perceived, just as with her and eric hanging out all the time. It just doesn't look good from the outside. As I said above, that what she does to improve her life or whatever is her choice but I just felt like my heart was tossed to the ground over it. The simple fact of her letting me know she is going out with a guy from california, who somehow magically found out she was getting a divorce then proceeded to ask for dinner. You know, I only see it as one thing from what the guy wants, which is purely sex especially if he is simply visiting from California. Girls are quite vulnerable after a relationship break, and feel as if they need a comfort in some way. Some guys know how to take advantage of that...
I'm also a little mad at her cause I swear she always held it against me with allison. As I told her if I was to plan a dinner/date like situation and tell her, what would she think. She said, typically the same thing but the fact she has thought about that ever since Allison. It's like, to continue to hold that against me for so long is quite hurtful in my eyes. I find it something she feels she can fall back on if I try to use something against her to keep her well defended but she doesn't understand that I think the same of her even though I know nothing of what has happened or hasn't happened in regards to eric/chris or whoever else. It's in a limbo state, haunts me everytime to not know something didn't go on or did cause that is how it was setup for me. Did they make out? Did they do this? Did it get to a point where they were like oh shit but stopped? I asked her to tell me whatever they did, but I doubt she has or would have considering she probably figures it never needed to be said and was never before unless I found out from other means.
Obviously from all of that, we both have had some trust issues for a bit. I wish she wouldn't have had that trust thing with me, as I constantly asked her if it was an issue or on what level and it never came out like that. I guess communication fail on both parts too. You know what sucks out of everything? It feels like me and Ashley did a round-about way in our relationship. We both went into our relationship looking good, going from to us gaining some weight and looking hefty on both our parts to going back to how it ended to losing that weight. Difference is, she came out on top looking like hot stuff. She may not feel like it cause she isn't the model looking thin yet as she wants to be but that's something exercise will do over time but for how she looks, she looks amazing.
Anyways, I need to move on from this all or somehow find a way to put my mind more at ease to just move on without thinking about it. Whether she told me or me finding out another way is sucky enough cause its all the same in my eyes. I'm sad at the fact that one day she may find someone that will be there for her and its not me. As you can see, I miss her all to much still and I don't feel like I've improved that much. I don't think I will see any significant improvements until I am able to get out and hang out with friends again.
On a different note, I can't wait to get some money flowing to get back into Snaps. I feel as if I can look good for myself, I can make my mind feel better in regards to me having a low self esteem. I don't know why, it's just been so low for me. Personally I don't think I can do anything at the time of going to snaps or working on a diet to achieve the goal quicker through a diet. We'll see as I plan to fix the thing hopefully this coming week or next when my new job checks kick in. I don't think I have any plans of touching tanning cause I've been paranoid of it as of late.
I mean, it's her life to what she does with it and how she wants to move on from everything even if it looks bad. Honestly, from anyone stand point it looks bad she is going out to dinner with another guy even with no intent on anything. It's just how it's perceived, just as with her and eric hanging out all the time. It just doesn't look good from the outside. As I said above, that what she does to improve her life or whatever is her choice but I just felt like my heart was tossed to the ground over it. The simple fact of her letting me know she is going out with a guy from california, who somehow magically found out she was getting a divorce then proceeded to ask for dinner. You know, I only see it as one thing from what the guy wants, which is purely sex especially if he is simply visiting from California. Girls are quite vulnerable after a relationship break, and feel as if they need a comfort in some way. Some guys know how to take advantage of that...
I'm also a little mad at her cause I swear she always held it against me with allison. As I told her if I was to plan a dinner/date like situation and tell her, what would she think. She said, typically the same thing but the fact she has thought about that ever since Allison. It's like, to continue to hold that against me for so long is quite hurtful in my eyes. I find it something she feels she can fall back on if I try to use something against her to keep her well defended but she doesn't understand that I think the same of her even though I know nothing of what has happened or hasn't happened in regards to eric/chris or whoever else. It's in a limbo state, haunts me everytime to not know something didn't go on or did cause that is how it was setup for me. Did they make out? Did they do this? Did it get to a point where they were like oh shit but stopped? I asked her to tell me whatever they did, but I doubt she has or would have considering she probably figures it never needed to be said and was never before unless I found out from other means.
Obviously from all of that, we both have had some trust issues for a bit. I wish she wouldn't have had that trust thing with me, as I constantly asked her if it was an issue or on what level and it never came out like that. I guess communication fail on both parts too. You know what sucks out of everything? It feels like me and Ashley did a round-about way in our relationship. We both went into our relationship looking good, going from to us gaining some weight and looking hefty on both our parts to going back to how it ended to losing that weight. Difference is, she came out on top looking like hot stuff. She may not feel like it cause she isn't the model looking thin yet as she wants to be but that's something exercise will do over time but for how she looks, she looks amazing.
Anyways, I need to move on from this all or somehow find a way to put my mind more at ease to just move on without thinking about it. Whether she told me or me finding out another way is sucky enough cause its all the same in my eyes. I'm sad at the fact that one day she may find someone that will be there for her and its not me. As you can see, I miss her all to much still and I don't feel like I've improved that much. I don't think I will see any significant improvements until I am able to get out and hang out with friends again.
On a different note, I can't wait to get some money flowing to get back into Snaps. I feel as if I can look good for myself, I can make my mind feel better in regards to me having a low self esteem. I don't know why, it's just been so low for me. Personally I don't think I can do anything at the time of going to snaps or working on a diet to achieve the goal quicker through a diet. We'll see as I plan to fix the thing hopefully this coming week or next when my new job checks kick in. I don't think I have any plans of touching tanning cause I've been paranoid of it as of late.