~Shadow on the road~ // [ONE-SHOT]
Title: Shadow on the road
Author: in_monochrome
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Kaoru x OFC (Alternative Universe btw)
Disclaimer: I don't own Kaoru. What is actually very sad, but unfortunately the hard truth .__."
Warnings: Sex and mentioned violence - but not at the same time.
Comment: Once again this whole idea was thought up in less then 5 minutes and once again I had huge problems with the end. I used the POV of the girl this time and wrote in the "I"-style, so she doesn't really have any name. Unfortunately I got a bit too inspired by one of sanghamyers fics? x_X (Feel free to kill me now.) Nonetheless I hope you all enjoy reading this odd thing and maybe leave me a nice comment *blink*
Beta-read by my dear sanghamyers. Thanks again T_T
On a further note:
I used A LOT of subliminal sentences. A LOT of figuratively things. Things that will seem unnecessary to you when you aren't sensitive for those. I compared things like falling leafs indirectly with feelings of my characters. I used sentences and mentioned things that might be completely irrelevant. But: Everything I write, every damn sentence has a reason to stand in this text. So, please don't think: "Why the heck is she babbling about that stupid random stuff?!" It has all a pretty meaning~ (at least for me xD) Also I often begin sentences and don't really end them....
As a little bribe.
Download the song from AYA - Shadow on the road~
Shadow on the road
It was 3AM when he took a last look at his watch. Sighed deeply and turned to me.
It was 3AM when he said that everything would be alright. That all the things would turn out good in the end and that there was no need to be afraid for me.
It was 3AM when he grabbed my hand. Softly kissed me like for a promise.
It was exactly 3AM...
...when we died.
"Shit!" Kaoru cursed out loud, despairingly searching for something in his pocket.
I looked up from the magazine I had grabbed from the magazine rack ‘cause it's cover had made me curious. Quickly I glanced over the last words of the article that had caught my interest. Then I put the magazine back into it's rack, stepped to Kaoru and watched him rummaging in his jacket and jeans pockets.
"What's the matter?", I asked carefully, now paying my attention at the candy next the cash desk.
"Can't find my money..."
"I thought we still had some bucks your brother gave us...?"
"Do you mean before or after he tried to kill us?!"
"I mean before you pointed that gun at his skull", I sarcastically replied.
"I haven't pointed a gun at his skull!!", Kaoru hissed angrily, grabbed my arm and bowed to me. "And you should better scale down your voice. You can't talk about things like these in public!"
"I talk wherever and whenever I want to. And why don't you pay with this here?"
Kaoru stared a second at the credit card between my fingers, then gazed at me. "Where the hell-?!"
My lips turned to a bright smile. "I stole it from him. Smart, ne?"
"Very smart!" The irony in his voice drove me mad. "If I pay with this they’re gonna find us in less then a hour."
"So quicker than you can count to ten," I said, grabbed some chocolate strips from the candy rack and threw them on the cash desk where already some beer cans, cigarette packs, some lunch-packages and instant ramen stood close to each other.
With some kind of an annoyed gaze Kaoru turned to me. "I actually just stopped because we needed to tank up. Now you are dragging along all that stuff. Why do you think we gonna need all of this?!"
"If you think that you can drive a car for more than 800 miles without eating and drinking... okay. How cool for you. But I unfortunately can't. And if you don't want me to starve you better shut up and let me buy this stuff."
"We don't even have money to pay the gasoline, how should we-?!" In the middle of his sentence, he got stuck and just stared at the money that had suddenly appeared in my right hand.
I blinked at him. "Have you really thought I would be that dumb to pay with a credit card so that every idiot could follow our route easily?! And I thought you would know me..." The disbelief while I was shaking my head was just acted. Anyways I was disappointed he had such a poor image of me. Maybe I wasn't the smartest, but neither was I a disturbed, drooling retard! ...most of the time.
That suddenly I also carried real money (which actually had been just a small part of the batch of money I had saved for over two years now) from my pocket had made him stare in silence at me. I almost believed that he really thought that I had been serious about paying with the credit card. Failed. Definitely failed this test, Kaoru.
I watched out for the sales clerk, but since we had entered the gas station, he had welcomed and looked at us, then suddenly excused himself and disappeared somewhere in one of those 'private' rooms, we hadn't even heard a noise from him. No one else was inside the gas station. Just me and Kaoru, who had took pleasure in trying out new sunglasses and posing with them in front of a window that reflected his appearance, because the lights shone bright at the glass.
I rolled my eyes, but said anxious: "Do you think he recognized us?"
Kaoru stopped his batty posing to raise an eyebrow and replied more or less interested: "You think they have 'wanted's' out that quick?"
"I don't know. Am I the son of the yakuza boss or are you?"
"Don't reply with sarcasm to anything I say. That annoys the crap out of me."
Indifferently how it might’ve looked I started scratching the black polish off my nails. "I'm sorry..."
He sighed. "It's okay. I'm the one to talk, hu? I think we're both just very stressed. Just let us get out of this shit as soon as possible." His right hand pat my head, while he was carefully taking the money - that I was still holding - off my fingers, propped his left hand on the cash desk and yelled: "Hey! HEY! We wanna pay! Could you please be that kind to get over here?! We're already late." He had mumbled the last sentence. Maybe more to himself. I watched him counting the money. His eyes looked utterly tired and his hair rather strawish - in some way I had never seen it before. As if it just lost it's whole shine. In that moment my hands were on the way into his hair, the sales clerk rushed out the 'private' room, looking enraged and wiping his dirty palms clean at his dark trousers. I pulled my hand back.
Mumbling something of 'stupid kids', a 'fence' and 'kill them with my ax' and kinda clumsy the old man looked at the display of his till. He started tipping some keys, until an audible 'click' sounded and the till opened ringing.
While Kaoru was paying, I left the gas station to catch some fresh air, before we would’ve to sit down in that stupid car again. All this hectic within the last three days had made me so restless and I lacked at least one full day of sleep. My butt had became numb, because we had spent almost the whole day driving. So actually I wobbled outside and tried to get far enough from the station to have a good angle to tilt my head and stare above at the sky. It was about half a hour past the dawn and just the leftover orange-red glowing streak at the horizon told about the day that was now about to become history. The very last beams, where the sun kissed the earth, then disappeared. For the night. For an other mild night late in summer.
"Any helicopters searching for us?" Kaoru’s voice had pulled me off my thoughts. I swirled around to see him lightly smiling at me, holding the two plastic bags full with the stuff he had bought, and beckoned me to come over to the car which was still where we had left it.
I took a last look at the horizon, but recognized with disappointment that the sun, while I had watched Kaoru getting inside the car, had been fully erased already. A short sigh while I stepped back to the gas station. He had opened the door on my side before I had arrived. I sat down in the car and slammed the door shut.
"Your stuff."
Both plastic bags were thrown into my lap. I looked inside them and noticed that the cigarettes had already changed their owner. In the same second I heard him lighting up a cig next to me and taking a deep drag. I saw the red glow of the end of it and it reminded me of the scene I had just watched. Like the sun glowing.
Kaoru placed the cigarette casually in the right corner of is mouth, pushed the key to the ignition lock and turned it around. The motor of the oldtimer coughed, but started up without any delay - for a change.
"Oh wonder!", I uttered.
"What a nice surprise," Kaoru replied grinning, took a look over his shoulder to the street and drove the car right on the asphalt after recognizing that there wasn't any traffic - obviously won't be there for a while, ‘cause we were... God only knew where we actually were! Somewhere in the middle of nowhere I guessed and leaned back mumbling. My back was arching again.
"Don't worry. Soon we will have enough money to buy a new car."
I stationed my plastics bags somewhere takeable between my feet. "Hu?!" My painful and partly annoyed heaving of unease must’ve mislead him.
"I thought your mumbling was... because of the car. We are more sliding along the road than actually driving." I could hear him taking another deep drag of his cigarette. Heard him blowing out the smoke without leading his fingers from the ruder back to his lips.
"It was more because I feel like my ass is gonna die a thousand deaths of this endless sitting on these damed leather seats."
"Uncomfortable?" If I hadn't closed my eyes in that second I had seen him taking a short gaze at me. "But the covers are brand new...!"
"It’s not because of the covers. The whole seats are just a huge misfabrication! Arrrk!" I muttered some curses when the car rumbled over some unevennesses.
"I know, I know..." Kaoru sighed. "The roadability is just awful."
"The WHOLE car is awful!"
"It's old, what did you expect?"
"I expected you to steal a reasonable car!"
"You can't choose when you're on the run! And you should be happy that we caught a car with keys. My abilities to break open things have always been horrible..."
For the tenth time I tried changing into a more comfortable position. "You always got your little brother for that, right?" My sarcasm was again not very useful.
The short, but pressing silence confirmed my thought.
"Let's not talk about Die."
I opened my eyes. Some sporadic houses and plots flitted by. I tried recognizing his facial expression.
"He'll find us."
"Let's not talk about Die," Kaoru repeated with a husky voice.
"But he will."
Kaoru stayed in silence. I couldn't even make out that he was still breathing.
"I'm sure he will..."
No reply. Just staring at the road.
The street lights were passing us by. The bright shine of the floodlights coming from the car towards us must have blinded his eyes painfully. For one second I saw his full profile in the light. In the same second I wished I didn't. The bitterness was hitting me. Like a bolt that directly crashed into my brain. And I ripped my gaze off him. Bit my lip.
"I'm sorry."
Again this silence. Again this pressure.
"Don't excuse yourself that often. That doesn't suit you."
Carefully I raised my look again, saw that hand that wandered on my knee, laying there softly. My eyes searched his, but he was only paying attention at the road like before. Putting my hand on his, I wished I had just shut my stupid mouth. Saying things before thinking about them had always been my strength. The reason why I always hurt without wanting it...
The hand stayed on my knee. Just when the red glim of his cigarette almost reached the filter, he withdrew it to open the window and threw the cigarette outside. Then his hand moved back to the ruder.
"We should stay in a motel tonight", said Kaoru after a few minutes in pure silence. "We haven't caught anything that is worth to call sleep the past days. We should take a break. What do you think?"
If relief could bring you so much pleasure... then you know you really needed it. And I just realized how much I thirsted after this sentence. "Yea." I smiled lightly, unable to type out what I felt - that he had been the one suggesting it. Cause I surely had begged for it, if we had been on the road for any longer.
"Okay. Then the next motel is ours."
~~~~
It was about 11PM when we arrived at the next motel. Kaoru parked the car and we two got outside.
The first thing I did was telling him I would rent a room and rushed into the office without waiting for an answer.
Four minutes later I came out the office. A key dangled from my fingers. He had used the time to take another smoke. When he saw me coming out he just grinned.
"And?", he asked totally unnecessary.
"I rented a single room."
Kaoru drew an eyebrow - again completely unnecessary.
"What?", I said with the most innocent voice I could afford. "There weren't any double rooms. They are fully booked tonight. That's what the owner said. A creepy guy by the way. Be lucky you don't had to come with me..."
His eyes told more than a billion words. The letters were just like written on his pupils. But he stayed calm. I had expected him to go refusing. But he just stood there, leaning against the hood, smoking his cigarette with relief and stared at something that was invisible to my eyes.
Since he obviously wanted to smoke that cigarette to the end, I used the time for taking a long look around.
I took a long look around. It was pretty dark and the lanterns had been already turned off. The whole motel seemed to be swallowed from darkness. It was a huge place, not very luxury. The ground leveled buildings seemed to yearn for a new, long overdue painting. Stains all over - and I could make that out even in the fade light of the moon.
Sand grated under my feet when I stepped to him. Though it was August and the nights mild, I had goose-pimples on my shoulder. Still I was just wearing that red tank top with the faded letters of my favorite band. I just had the clothes I was wearing, my wallet and a lighter - that wasn't even mine. And Kaoru had thrown my cell phone out the driving car right after we had made it to approach the highway.
I opened the door of the car and carried the plastic bags from the seats. In the same moment Kaoru threw the cigarette down and killed it with his shoe.
"Know what's odd?", he said with his back turned to me, with a voice that made sure that he definitely would tell me what was odd.
"The fact that you are still wearing sunglasses though it's night?" I knew I was too sarcastic again. But he just left too much space for me too attack. I just couldn't resist...
To my surprise he just smiled at me. "No." His finger was randomly pointing around. "Odd is the fact that the one half of the motel is rented, but the one and only car I'm seeing around here is ours."
I stopped. "Actually this isn't our car", I said, dodging his allusion and slammed the door.
"Yea...", was the only reply, that showed up with a smile that got blurred in the shade and covered by his dark hair.
When I noticed that he was about to light up another cigarette and that we would have actually spent all night outside, if I won't drag him with me now, I grabbed his arm firmly.
"Come on", I demanded with a convincing smile and pulled him with me, as he just stubbornly stayed where he was.
"Are you afraid they could think that we're homeless?!" Kaoru laughed and followed me just unwilling. "Then I understand your hurrying ‘cause now we are."
~~~~~
"Chocolate..."
Kaoru made it to stop pasting his look at the TV screen, where just a boring cowboy movie flickered and to have a look after me.
"What's the matter?"
"I'm dying...", I muttered in my pillow.
"Why?" He put the TV control on the small desk next to the bed and turned to me.
I muttered again.
Leaving the couch seat and sitting down on the bed next to me where I had buried my head into the sheets, he had forgotten to pretend his coolness for one moment. His face looked anxious - if that was even possible...
"What's the matter?", he asked again. Slightly he stroke the hair streaks on my face away and behind my ear.
"Chocolate", I repeated. "I want chocolate..."
"But we bought some, haven't we?"
"Yes, we have, but you already ate everything in the car", I grumbled disappointed.
Anyway he grabbed the plastic bags right next to the bed and searched through them and their content. Not much leftover in them, since we had immediately raided them and scatter everything in the room.
"Nothing, you're right."
"I'm gonna die..."
"Sure."
"I really will. I can feel it." My head left the pillows and I sat up.
Kaoru’s hand was caressing my cheek. "No, you won't."
"It is my own fault that my life is so chaotic at the moment..."
"You had a reason for it. Though it was maybe the totally wrong time. He already had been pissed when he had arrived that night. I saw him upset many times before. But I never saw him that enraged." Kaoru stopped. Thought for a moment. "He really loved you. Like no other. For the first time he did and then... You broke his heart." A dry laughing left his mouth.
I didn't understand why he was laughing. Or maybe I did deep inside me. I was quite satisfied with myself. I finally had what I wanted. The thing I had worked two years for. Hurting Die has been a small sacrifice to make. And it had been planned since the day it had began. Never I had thought about the way how to end it when I had reached the final point. I hadn't expected it to come that late. Neither I had expected it to happen that day. I still saw Die’s eyes staring at me, wanting to destroy me with just one look. The whole thing... the whole scene had just went out of control. When I tried to remember now I didn't even knew how the hell I got out of that apartment again. There was a huge hole in my memory. A huge dark, empty space. A huge question mark. God, had it really been just three days ago?
I noticed that Kaoru’s hand had left my cheek. Slowly and exhausted I got off the bed while grabbing for the money.
"What are you up to do?"
I turned around when he asked.
"Go buying some chocolate." I smirked. "I saw they have a vending machine for candy in the office."
Kaoru skeptically watched me when I was putting my shoes back on, but handed me his jacket. He knew exactly that there was no need to argue with me. If I wanted to buy chocolate then I would. By my own. I wouldn’t have accepted any "Let me go for it"'s or "I can do that"'s. There was a simple reason for it. And I had used his help quite a lot the last days. I couldn't bear any other support and even if it was just about buying chocolate. I didn't want him to do more for me than he actually should. I was wondering anyways why he had joined me on my escape. He risked his life for me. I was really wondering why...
"Here." Still he held the jacket in his hand and wanted me to take it. "It's cold outside and it's a few feet more to the office."
I knew it wasn't that cold outside, but I thankfully took his jacket anyway and put it on, before I left room #24 and headed to the office. My steps were resounding from the wooden ground of the roofed path to the office. It was ghostly outside. A few lamps had been turned on when we had moved to our room, they were still burning. Moths and other night-bugs were flying around the milky shine coming through the dirty glasses. Desperately swirling around, hitting the glass.
As I reached my destination and got inside, the doorbell shortly rang. I couldn't make out the owner of the motel and thought that he was maybe taking a nap. Right now I couldn't care less, leading to my longed for vending machine.
I bought three chocolate bars. Yet I was suddenly carving for something sugary. I could take some new energy. And I finally needed to stop thinking and spending my thoughts about the past. Forward was the way to go. But somehow I couldn't bottle up everything like I was used to. I was even angry at myself being so weak and just inwardly denying myself to cry about this. What did I fear? I just had to reach that huge city in the west, which was about two days driving afar from here. Had to give Ishizumi-san what he wanted and what I had worked for in the past two years. Then taking a plane back home. Taking off my wrong identity. Putting on another one. Again. A normal life... I forgot what it was like to have one.
"Are you two going to stay for longer?"
I winced terribly and swirled around.
The old, creepy owner of the motel had appeared behind me, wobbling back to his desk. Seemed to me like he was going to stay up all night - there laid a batch of invoices at his desk and folders everywhere. A lot of administration stuff.
"No", I replied when my heart decided to beat again. "We're leaving tomorrow. Tomorrow as early as possible."
"Ahh... so I have to eat breakfast alone again tomorrow." He sighed and sat down on the old chair.
"I guess so." I smiled lightly just to be nice. "By the way: Do you have a waterboiler by any change?"
He gazed at me for a second, then mumbled, but got up again and wobbled back to the room he had come from. Without even asking me why and for what I'd needed that waterboiler for he got back and handed it to me.
"Just bring it back tomorrow before you leave."
"Thank you very much!" I took all my chocolate stuff, the boiler and moved to the door. "Good night then!"
"Good night, good night...", the old man mumbled.
The door closed behind me ringing and I went back to our room.
~~~~~
"It's getting cold outside, won't you come in?"
I sat on the small veranda outside our apartment which had left and right a wooden fence and also walls. I had pulled my knees close to my body and had kept staring thoughtlessly and tired in the sky. Yes, I was tired, but nonetheless I could find my peace of mind and sleep.
I had boiled some water and had melted the hard chocolate ‘cause there was nothing more healing for me than eating warm, melted chocolate. So I had wandered outside with my bowl, sat down and just stared somewhere in the dark while listening to the rushing water that came from the bathroom where he had took a long shower.
Now I tilted my head and looked at him, met his eyes gazing at me. He leaned casually against the open door.
"You could come over and give me some warmth", I chuckled.
"Haha, what a nice offer... for a joke." He turned around and I saw him heading back indoors.
"That wasn't a joke", I mumbled and shivered.
"I know..."
Slowly I turned to him, sitting up from my chair. I grabbed his arm and held him back. "And why are you leaving anyway?"
He stopped.
For a moment I was just looking at his back. I saw a few water drops dripping from his hair. Saw them running down his shoulders. Saw them disappearing and getting soaked of his black t-shirt. In one hand he held a towel. Still it wasn't that cool outside that he would catch a cold right away.
I stood right behind him. Carefully I slung my hands around his waist and leaned my head against his shoulders. Very gradually he finally turned around and looked at me as I had loosed my hug. There was no hesitation of mine. I grabbed his arm again, pressed my lips against his mouth. No reaction. My right hand headed to his wet hair, to his neck. First softly then more rough, I continued kissing him sweetly. No move. Longing, pleading, I begged him for entrance into his mouth. Nothing. Simply nothing. Resigned, my hand left his hair. Disappointed, I let go of his arm again.
There it was again... that cold stare. Not even directed at me. Looked right through me.
"Get inside."
I bit my lip. "Is that everything you have to say?!"
Half on his way back, Kaoru stopped. "Yes."
So I followed him back inside, closed the door behind me, leaned against it and watched him taking another beer with him, drying his hair with the towel while he sat down on the edge of the bed and continued staring at the TV screen.
First I closed my eyes, breathed in deeply, then sighed. I opened my eyes again, grabbed my shoe off my foot and threw it through the whole room. It bashed its deliberate destination: Kaoru’s stubborn, Japanese head.
"Arhgh!" The beer can thud down to the floor. Kaoru made a theatrically noise, growled and accidentally tuned off the TV with the remote control. "What the hell are you doing?!"
But his words were cut off immediately. He was pulled down onto the bed. His mouth was suddenly covered again. Covered up with my own. I stopped trying to be convincing. Demanding I pushed him into the sheets, held his wrists left and right to his head tightly in my hands, sat onto his lap and looked down on him. I had been sure not to see confusion in his eyes and I had been right. There was only that wild, untamed stare piercing me. I bowed down to him and smirked, laying my lips lightly on his. Not stopping the contact of our eyes, I could feel his small, ever pouting lips curling into a very dirty smile.
"Ahh, so you're not completely frozen..."
"Not yet..." Kaoru grinned into the kiss and moved his hips under my weight.
Promising I began to kiss his neck while my hands wandered from his wrists down to his chest. I nipped at the skin softly and ran my tongue over his Adams apple. "Not yet... aha..."
I slid my tongue into his warm mouth, still pressing him down on the bed with my lower body. Leisurely Kaoru replied the kiss, replied exploring. Finally he melted and sneaked his hands to my waist.
I pushed him back down.
Yet I firmly stayed in my position and grabbed the bowl with my chocolate I had put down on the floor, before I threw myself onto him on the bed. My fingers dipped into the bowl and out again with chocolate on my fingertips. Grinning I lead them to my mouth and watched him gazing at me with an either envious or disappointed look - I couldn't say exactly. But it amused me a bit. I licked the sweetness from my fingertips, was just eating with relish and didn't cut that bond of our looks. Didn't stop looking at him. In my mind I wasn't licking chocolate, sucking it off my fingers anymore... From the way he fixed me I knew that he knew what I was really doing in my mind and a low moan left his mouth as I rubbed my crotch against his with the rhythm I shoved my fingers in and out of my mouth.
When I dug them into the brown substance for the third time, caressed my own fingers once again... then bowed down to him for letting him taste the sugar from my lips. Just for the blink of an eye. Just breathing, just touching his tongue on the surface, but he smiled like a child who got some candy. Welcoming the sudden sweetness flowing into his mouth he pulled me into him, deepened our kiss, him slightly sucking on the tip of my tongue pleasing me.
My hands traveled down his chest and played around with the cotton fabric I found there, before I sneaked my fingers tapping inside that shirt, touching his bare and pleasantly warm body. Lightly I brushed my fingertips across his skin and then over his nipples.
Kaoru breathed faster.
With a bent back I bowed down to him once again. Nibbling playfully, I laid my lips on his neck. With my hot breath on his skin and my teasing lips I bit his skin gently and followed the pounding pulse, licking him like I licked my fingers a few moments back. Tasted his salty skin, tasted a bit of him. I wanted to get him laid. I would eat him, would swallow all of him... like I did with my chocolate. More and more restless rushing of blood in my groin made me dizzy. I wanted him so badly inside of me. I wanted him so badly moving inside of me, thrusting into me. But it was too early. No, not yet... But by now, down there where I sat onto him... I noticed something awaking. Something pressing against my pants. I couldn't help but smile again, leaving little kisses and marks on his collarbones.
I tugged off his shirt and tossed it to the floor, told myself to go slower, to keep the control.
Chocolate... out of the bowl... softly smeared on his upper chest. I was telling it to myself like a receipt to divert me ‘cause I had caught the wild look of his eyes. ‘Cause Kaoru’s lustful gaze made me all tingly. His expectant stare aroused me.
He opened his mouth but I didn't want him to speak now. I knew it would make me only more dizzy.
"What are you doing...?" Kaoru’s voice was hoarse.
"Shhh...", I said, laid my finger on his lips. "Let me show you…”
As I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, I felt him being surprised at first, but then he leaned back, quietly saying "Okay...", giving in just by the way he kissed me. I spread his lips open, tasted the inside of his moist mouth. Kaoru moaned deeply as he felt my strong tongue overpower his, but I had to end the kiss for a gasp.
I moved back to where I had stopped. Again I smeared some chocolate on him while his eyes followed every move I made, watching in pleasure. Intensively I ran my tongue over his chest. My hand stroked his sides. Another deep moan left his mouth as I licked off the chocolate all over his nipples. Sucking and taking my time. Discovering his body. Over and over my tongue caressed his more and more heating up skin. Yes, I played with him. I enjoyed rubbing myself crotch against his in a painfully slow pace. Enjoyed to make him even more aroused. Enjoyed feeling his member growing inside these pants that touched mine roughly every now and then. The briefness was what made him want more. Now I could feel it more clearly. The bulge, his erection was unignoreably pressing against me and my thighs. A short, but heavy bolt flashed through my whole body. And for a second I was gasping, laying my head on his chest, for a while just enjoying the pounding desire his hardness caused me. But all along I didn't stop moving on him. As if our clothes had already left.
I looked up to him.
Kaoru’s eyes were asking me, if that was everything.
And I replied with unbuckling his belt, pulling down his jeans and sneaking my right hand in his boxers.
No.
I tilted his head, brushed my fingers over his neck, through his dark-brown hair and the dark hair down there. Kaoru stretched his neck to give better access for nibbling and biting him carefully, kissing and licking, sucking, leading my mouth to where I wanted, while my left hand followed the lines of his strained sinews, painted invisible curves on it. With my right hand I took his member. I ran my fingers over the rigid length, stimulated him.
Our lips met again shortly before the change. Slowly, without my notice, he took over. First his kiss was slow, more exploratory, and very deliberate. Then he began sucking at my tongue and actually for the first time he really replied to my kiss, seemed to be pulled by his feelings. I had pushed him further, but now he was the one pushing me...
"Kaoru...", I drawled his name when he paused for a while to look at me. Both hands were holding my face, touching my cheeks, close enough to him to feel his irregular breath hitting mine - because I still moved my hand up and down his member, had just fastend and tightened my grip.
Kaoru fondled my neck, stroked my hair back and crawled his hands over my bended back, just when he straightened up and traced my lips with his tongue. Just a short second I wasn't paying my full attention anymore. Just a second I had given myself to him completely. Just a second and then the world suddenly smeared before my eyes and the colors mixed into one. Before my head landed in the pillows and my body fell onto the bed with an audible groan of the springs underneath me. Now I was the one being pressed down on the bed. He had simply turned me around.
I stared at him. He didn't even need to say a word, I could read his teasing words right off his eyes. Anyway... I didn't feel uncomfortable in this position at all. It only made me more pleased that he had finally decided to play with me and not just be played.
He bent down to me for a rough kiss, pouting his lips at first, now being the one begging for entrance.
His hands dragged me out of my shirt. He was impatient. Where had his well-known control gone? The one that had always gave me the cold shoulder...
With many small kisses he caressed my neck and undid my bra quickly. The touch of his warm skin on mine caused me a wonderful, intensive shiver. His mouth went lower, searched me with his tongue.
The tips of Kaoru’s fingers found their way into my pants. My uncontrollable wriggling made it difficult for him to let them go where he wanted them to be. As much as I still enjoyed teasing him, I gave in and let him have his way, ‘cause I couldn't hold myself back anymore. How he massaged my breasts, brushing his thumbs over the sensitive buds, giving them more attention than I had given to his. Feeling the full bliss of his caresses, I gave in completely and opened my legs to send out an offer without obligation.
Our looks met. For a short while he paused, left my breasts, placing a short kiss on my collarbone, neck and cheek, then wandering his fingers down between my thighs.
Affectioning, Kaoru licked his lips and pulled down my panties, watching me lying there underneath him now... all naked, winding, waiting for him to take me. I was longing for it. My eyes were half closed as a low moan more like a small sigh left my mouth and I looked at him pleading not to keep me waiting for him to move on now that we had crossed the line. Complying, without any hesitation he went on going down, leaving breathed kisses on my stomach and kissing along the creamy thighs presented in front of him: He kissed my ankle lightly, then moved back up.
It's was like I had a whole blackout for the split of a second. A short, but heavy shudder winced through my body. I pressed my head back into the pillows, my hips in the air against his lips laying down gently between my thighs. Opening my legs even more, I finally closed my eyes, drifting away, just enjoying, praying for him to just don't stop. Softly running his tongue over the most sensitive spot, caressing it with the tip, he held my thighs. Skillfully, cautiously, he began sucking my center softly. He brought his full tongue down to me to give me sweet pleasure. I was melting, yet wet from arousal his mouth was giving me. My fingers were buried deeply in his hair, held it tightly, closer to me. Oh, please. Closer. Kaoru swirled his tongue around, sucking more heavily and demanding as he noticed my growing desire. He licked me and suddenly I felt so weak in my knees like never before.
He had pulled me close so to the edge, but then stopped - cruel as he was - shortly before I reached my peak and collapsed under him.
I gasped.
"I know you want it... so why keeping you waiting any longer...?" Less than two seconds later Kaoru got rid of his boxers.
With irregular breath I reached my hands out for him to drag him down on me. Just briefly I touched his erection, hungrily wrapped my legs around his waist. "I want it..." My mouth was so dry, my throat so huskily. "I want..."
"Yes..." That glittering in his eyes, the way he looked at me... really looked at me, not through me anymore, the way he breathed his words, the way his hands roamed up my hips, the way he was just fixing my eyes with his own, was torturing me.
I couldn't take that anymore. I didn't finish my sentence.
He did know what I wanted anyway...
I moaned in relief when he was sliding into me. Seeking his neck, I buried my nails in his skin and pulled him nearer. The first possessive thrust into me and I just begged for more. He covered my mouth with swallowing kisses. Slowly at first he pushed himself deeper into me. Pulling out and in changing continuously. He spread my legs open, digging and demandingly continued to take me. The way I wanted him to. Low and lustful I heard him groan. He was exploring my mouth. I stroke my hands up and down his spine, feeling every inch of him, asking with my tongue for more lovable kisses. I wanted to discover him. I had waited so long for this. Had consumed myself for him since the very first day, since we had met each other. Never I had been allowed to be with him, hadn't been allowed to do all these things with him. In mind he had fucked me over and over. But in real life he had always just fucked my mind.
I opened my eyes for a small gaze, just to be sure I wasn't dreaming. No, this feeling, this pounding, this craving was just too hard, too heavy, too intensive, to be unreal. My heart skipped and was almost bursting through my chest now, when our eyes met again. And I wanted to be filled up with him... till I was overflowing.
Kaoru panted my name lightly. The word leaving his rosy lips as sweetly as no one else had ever said my name. The word leaving his mouth with his mellow voice huskied from arousal. Then he picked up the pace, went faster, higher, like the rhythm of a song. I followed, losing myself within that rhythm.
I welcomed every thrust and every touch from his fingertips tickling over my creamy nipples, missed it every time we had to separate our lips for taking breaths before melting into one again. We were one.
It seemed that my tightness was almost enough to send him flying into an orgasm, but he held it back, obviously wanting to give me the entire way he had to give me.
He caressed my nipples with his ardent tongue, gently brushed his hands all over my body.
And although he wanted to give me so much more, I couldn't take it anymore. Again I saw just billions of sparkling stars in front of my eyes as Kaoru hit the spot deep inside me, causing fireworks to explode. His mouth was wandering to mine again, seeking mine. I was moaning into his open mouth, slung my arms around his neck and pressed my burning groins against his constantly shifting hips as I came hard. I fell into the endless clutches of orgasm, dug my head deeper in the pillows, my fingernails so much deeper into his skin. No longer stifling my groans, but letting them out.
I pulled him down quickly after myself. Kaoru was panting in my ear loudly, moaning, coming undone and leaving a hot trace inside of me. While I was still feling the aftermath of pleasure rushing through my whole body, he kissed me tenderly, then pulled out. Gasping he fell next to me onto the small bed.
I looked at him, touched his chest with my fingers and gently stroke them over the lines and squiggles of his tattoos covering his arm and his left collarbone. His hand got over mine and carefully he pulled me closer to him into his arms.
For a while he was just holding me. I searched for protection and for something like warmth in his hug. His kisses were just too sweet to be meant honest. What we did just felt like a dream. His lips just tasted too good to last on mine forever.
So the moments passed. Unnoticed and slowly sneaking away.
Somehow I was a little disappointed when he suddenly started speaking though. I just wanted to close my eyes now and fall asleep as it was already late.
"I think I'm sure now that he'll gonna find us."
Resting my head against his chest and continuing to paint invisible lines on his skin, I looked up to him. "You are?"
Kaoru just nodded, scratched his head and wrapped his arm around me. "You should have thought about this before you said all those things to him. Before you almost told him the truth... He is enraged now. And he will try everything to find you. To find me. To find us. ‘Cause now we're both too deep into this."
"You think he'll kill me...?"
"He has all reasons to kill us both..."
"But you are his brother! I'm sure he won't-"
His fingertips reached out for his cigarettes. "I'm his stepbrother." I heard the noise of the lighter and him inhaling the smoke, before blowing it out again. "But I know him. And I know that he is in the position to do it. That includes being without any feelings. Being coldblooded. Being able to kill someone. That's what we learned over all those years. And even if it seemed to you like we would get along pretty well... We don't. Faked sympathy. Just a relationship on purpose. I'm older... I'm not the real son of our father, but anyways, he made me the legal heir, not Die. I've always been treated like the only offspring. Like the only one to take over the whole business, if our father would be gone one day. Die has always been in my shadow. He just couldn't escape of being always compared to me, of failing and always being forgotten, making the filthy work, while father involved me into all his plans and let me take part at all his important meetings. Nonetheless Die trusted me, ‘cause he always had to. I never had something personal against him, but he had never been the rational person I was. Die knew he could count on me, that I'd protect him and that he would always have my back in a fight. Same time I knew that he wouldn't even hesitate to pull the trigger, if he'd ever had the chance to... and let it look like an accident... He never had that chance. But now he even has a way to do it without being in the need to justify himself. Father gave me up. And if Die is gonna get us... I'm sure he'll kill us both."
I closed my burning eyes and moved nearer to him sighing. "What a nice thing to look forward to."
"Surely."
As beautiful as his caring was, the more reassuring the touch of his skin was on mine... I knew it really wouldn't last that long. We are an exception of a rule, I thought and wished that the sun just wouldn't raise up next morning. I just wanted to stop. Maybe even stopped breathing in his arms now.
"Can I ask you something?" Kaoru’s mellow voice brought me back to reality.
"Of course..."
"If you knew all along that I was the sole heir of the whole company... why have you slept with Die... instead with me?"
I just couldn't help but grin. "Because Die is stupid enough to blab out the information I needed. Especially when he's drunk."
"Die isn't the smartest." Why did his voice sound more worried than amused? "He gets deceived way too easy and gives people too much point of attack. He's just like a high-spirited boxer who leaves his guard down from arrogance. You wanted to eat him up from the inside just like a maggot, didn't you?"
"You know me... And I knew from the first second that you saw right through me." Until now I hadn't opened my eyes again. "I just don't get one thing... You're the only heir... so the legitimate and sole heir of everything... Why didn't you betray me? Why didn't you expose me? Why did you throw all of this away? Just to help me...? Why?"
"’Cause this isn't the life I wanna continue to live..."
"And... in what world do you want to continue living...?" I opened my eyes, but he didn't look at me.
No answer. Just smoking his cigarette, Kaoru didn't say any more word to that. He simply left me with that sentence. But still he held me close to him in his embrace, played with my hair and just warmed my quickly cooling off body underneath the blankets.
Kaoru took a look at his watch.
"God, it's already 3AM... actually we should sleep now. We won't have any power to stand up at 5:30AM, if we don't..."
"I can't sleep now", I said and buried my face back into the sheets. He had made me unable to sleep a wink this night. "My head if full of everything, but I can't even think about sleeping now. I'm so restless..."
A deep sigh came from Kaoru when he turned around to me. "Don't worry about tomorrow. It will be alright. Everything will be alright. All things will turn out good in the end. There's simply no need for you to be afraid. It will be alright. I promise."
Gently he grabbed my hand. I looked up to him and watched his dark eyes. His fingers touched my chin. Softly he kissed me like confirming that promise.
And somehow I believed him...
To the world... we won't exist anymore... from this moment on.
To the world we had died...
We had simply died.
~~~~~ ♥ ~~~~~
Comments are always love!
Author: in_monochrome
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Kaoru x OFC (Alternative Universe btw)
Disclaimer: I don't own Kaoru. What is actually very sad, but unfortunately the hard truth .__."
Warnings: Sex and mentioned violence - but not at the same time.
Comment: Once again this whole idea was thought up in less then 5 minutes and once again I had huge problems with the end. I used the POV of the girl this time and wrote in the "I"-style, so she doesn't really have any name. Unfortunately I got a bit too inspired by one of sanghamyers fics? x_X (Feel free to kill me now.) Nonetheless I hope you all enjoy reading this odd thing and maybe leave me a nice comment *blink*
Beta-read by my dear sanghamyers. Thanks again T_T
On a further note:
I used A LOT of subliminal sentences. A LOT of figuratively things. Things that will seem unnecessary to you when you aren't sensitive for those. I compared things like falling leafs indirectly with feelings of my characters. I used sentences and mentioned things that might be completely irrelevant. But: Everything I write, every damn sentence has a reason to stand in this text. So, please don't think: "Why the heck is she babbling about that stupid random stuff?!" It has all a pretty meaning~ (at least for me xD) Also I often begin sentences and don't really end them....
As a little bribe.
Download the song from AYA - Shadow on the road~
Shadow on the road
It was 3AM when he took a last look at his watch. Sighed deeply and turned to me.
It was 3AM when he said that everything would be alright. That all the things would turn out good in the end and that there was no need to be afraid for me.
It was 3AM when he grabbed my hand. Softly kissed me like for a promise.
It was exactly 3AM...
...when we died.
"Shit!" Kaoru cursed out loud, despairingly searching for something in his pocket.
I looked up from the magazine I had grabbed from the magazine rack ‘cause it's cover had made me curious. Quickly I glanced over the last words of the article that had caught my interest. Then I put the magazine back into it's rack, stepped to Kaoru and watched him rummaging in his jacket and jeans pockets.
"What's the matter?", I asked carefully, now paying my attention at the candy next the cash desk.
"Can't find my money..."
"I thought we still had some bucks your brother gave us...?"
"Do you mean before or after he tried to kill us?!"
"I mean before you pointed that gun at his skull", I sarcastically replied.
"I haven't pointed a gun at his skull!!", Kaoru hissed angrily, grabbed my arm and bowed to me. "And you should better scale down your voice. You can't talk about things like these in public!"
"I talk wherever and whenever I want to. And why don't you pay with this here?"
Kaoru stared a second at the credit card between my fingers, then gazed at me. "Where the hell-?!"
My lips turned to a bright smile. "I stole it from him. Smart, ne?"
"Very smart!" The irony in his voice drove me mad. "If I pay with this they’re gonna find us in less then a hour."
"So quicker than you can count to ten," I said, grabbed some chocolate strips from the candy rack and threw them on the cash desk where already some beer cans, cigarette packs, some lunch-packages and instant ramen stood close to each other.
With some kind of an annoyed gaze Kaoru turned to me. "I actually just stopped because we needed to tank up. Now you are dragging along all that stuff. Why do you think we gonna need all of this?!"
"If you think that you can drive a car for more than 800 miles without eating and drinking... okay. How cool for you. But I unfortunately can't. And if you don't want me to starve you better shut up and let me buy this stuff."
"We don't even have money to pay the gasoline, how should we-?!" In the middle of his sentence, he got stuck and just stared at the money that had suddenly appeared in my right hand.
I blinked at him. "Have you really thought I would be that dumb to pay with a credit card so that every idiot could follow our route easily?! And I thought you would know me..." The disbelief while I was shaking my head was just acted. Anyways I was disappointed he had such a poor image of me. Maybe I wasn't the smartest, but neither was I a disturbed, drooling retard! ...most of the time.
That suddenly I also carried real money (which actually had been just a small part of the batch of money I had saved for over two years now) from my pocket had made him stare in silence at me. I almost believed that he really thought that I had been serious about paying with the credit card. Failed. Definitely failed this test, Kaoru.
I watched out for the sales clerk, but since we had entered the gas station, he had welcomed and looked at us, then suddenly excused himself and disappeared somewhere in one of those 'private' rooms, we hadn't even heard a noise from him. No one else was inside the gas station. Just me and Kaoru, who had took pleasure in trying out new sunglasses and posing with them in front of a window that reflected his appearance, because the lights shone bright at the glass.
I rolled my eyes, but said anxious: "Do you think he recognized us?"
Kaoru stopped his batty posing to raise an eyebrow and replied more or less interested: "You think they have 'wanted's' out that quick?"
"I don't know. Am I the son of the yakuza boss or are you?"
"Don't reply with sarcasm to anything I say. That annoys the crap out of me."
Indifferently how it might’ve looked I started scratching the black polish off my nails. "I'm sorry..."
He sighed. "It's okay. I'm the one to talk, hu? I think we're both just very stressed. Just let us get out of this shit as soon as possible." His right hand pat my head, while he was carefully taking the money - that I was still holding - off my fingers, propped his left hand on the cash desk and yelled: "Hey! HEY! We wanna pay! Could you please be that kind to get over here?! We're already late." He had mumbled the last sentence. Maybe more to himself. I watched him counting the money. His eyes looked utterly tired and his hair rather strawish - in some way I had never seen it before. As if it just lost it's whole shine. In that moment my hands were on the way into his hair, the sales clerk rushed out the 'private' room, looking enraged and wiping his dirty palms clean at his dark trousers. I pulled my hand back.
Mumbling something of 'stupid kids', a 'fence' and 'kill them with my ax' and kinda clumsy the old man looked at the display of his till. He started tipping some keys, until an audible 'click' sounded and the till opened ringing.
While Kaoru was paying, I left the gas station to catch some fresh air, before we would’ve to sit down in that stupid car again. All this hectic within the last three days had made me so restless and I lacked at least one full day of sleep. My butt had became numb, because we had spent almost the whole day driving. So actually I wobbled outside and tried to get far enough from the station to have a good angle to tilt my head and stare above at the sky. It was about half a hour past the dawn and just the leftover orange-red glowing streak at the horizon told about the day that was now about to become history. The very last beams, where the sun kissed the earth, then disappeared. For the night. For an other mild night late in summer.
"Any helicopters searching for us?" Kaoru’s voice had pulled me off my thoughts. I swirled around to see him lightly smiling at me, holding the two plastic bags full with the stuff he had bought, and beckoned me to come over to the car which was still where we had left it.
I took a last look at the horizon, but recognized with disappointment that the sun, while I had watched Kaoru getting inside the car, had been fully erased already. A short sigh while I stepped back to the gas station. He had opened the door on my side before I had arrived. I sat down in the car and slammed the door shut.
"Your stuff."
Both plastic bags were thrown into my lap. I looked inside them and noticed that the cigarettes had already changed their owner. In the same second I heard him lighting up a cig next to me and taking a deep drag. I saw the red glow of the end of it and it reminded me of the scene I had just watched. Like the sun glowing.
Kaoru placed the cigarette casually in the right corner of is mouth, pushed the key to the ignition lock and turned it around. The motor of the oldtimer coughed, but started up without any delay - for a change.
"Oh wonder!", I uttered.
"What a nice surprise," Kaoru replied grinning, took a look over his shoulder to the street and drove the car right on the asphalt after recognizing that there wasn't any traffic - obviously won't be there for a while, ‘cause we were... God only knew where we actually were! Somewhere in the middle of nowhere I guessed and leaned back mumbling. My back was arching again.
"Don't worry. Soon we will have enough money to buy a new car."
I stationed my plastics bags somewhere takeable between my feet. "Hu?!" My painful and partly annoyed heaving of unease must’ve mislead him.
"I thought your mumbling was... because of the car. We are more sliding along the road than actually driving." I could hear him taking another deep drag of his cigarette. Heard him blowing out the smoke without leading his fingers from the ruder back to his lips.
"It was more because I feel like my ass is gonna die a thousand deaths of this endless sitting on these damed leather seats."
"Uncomfortable?" If I hadn't closed my eyes in that second I had seen him taking a short gaze at me. "But the covers are brand new...!"
"It’s not because of the covers. The whole seats are just a huge misfabrication! Arrrk!" I muttered some curses when the car rumbled over some unevennesses.
"I know, I know..." Kaoru sighed. "The roadability is just awful."
"The WHOLE car is awful!"
"It's old, what did you expect?"
"I expected you to steal a reasonable car!"
"You can't choose when you're on the run! And you should be happy that we caught a car with keys. My abilities to break open things have always been horrible..."
For the tenth time I tried changing into a more comfortable position. "You always got your little brother for that, right?" My sarcasm was again not very useful.
The short, but pressing silence confirmed my thought.
"Let's not talk about Die."
I opened my eyes. Some sporadic houses and plots flitted by. I tried recognizing his facial expression.
"He'll find us."
"Let's not talk about Die," Kaoru repeated with a husky voice.
"But he will."
Kaoru stayed in silence. I couldn't even make out that he was still breathing.
"I'm sure he will..."
No reply. Just staring at the road.
The street lights were passing us by. The bright shine of the floodlights coming from the car towards us must have blinded his eyes painfully. For one second I saw his full profile in the light. In the same second I wished I didn't. The bitterness was hitting me. Like a bolt that directly crashed into my brain. And I ripped my gaze off him. Bit my lip.
"I'm sorry."
Again this silence. Again this pressure.
"Don't excuse yourself that often. That doesn't suit you."
Carefully I raised my look again, saw that hand that wandered on my knee, laying there softly. My eyes searched his, but he was only paying attention at the road like before. Putting my hand on his, I wished I had just shut my stupid mouth. Saying things before thinking about them had always been my strength. The reason why I always hurt without wanting it...
The hand stayed on my knee. Just when the red glim of his cigarette almost reached the filter, he withdrew it to open the window and threw the cigarette outside. Then his hand moved back to the ruder.
"We should stay in a motel tonight", said Kaoru after a few minutes in pure silence. "We haven't caught anything that is worth to call sleep the past days. We should take a break. What do you think?"
If relief could bring you so much pleasure... then you know you really needed it. And I just realized how much I thirsted after this sentence. "Yea." I smiled lightly, unable to type out what I felt - that he had been the one suggesting it. Cause I surely had begged for it, if we had been on the road for any longer.
"Okay. Then the next motel is ours."
~~~~
It was about 11PM when we arrived at the next motel. Kaoru parked the car and we two got outside.
The first thing I did was telling him I would rent a room and rushed into the office without waiting for an answer.
Four minutes later I came out the office. A key dangled from my fingers. He had used the time to take another smoke. When he saw me coming out he just grinned.
"And?", he asked totally unnecessary.
"I rented a single room."
Kaoru drew an eyebrow - again completely unnecessary.
"What?", I said with the most innocent voice I could afford. "There weren't any double rooms. They are fully booked tonight. That's what the owner said. A creepy guy by the way. Be lucky you don't had to come with me..."
His eyes told more than a billion words. The letters were just like written on his pupils. But he stayed calm. I had expected him to go refusing. But he just stood there, leaning against the hood, smoking his cigarette with relief and stared at something that was invisible to my eyes.
Since he obviously wanted to smoke that cigarette to the end, I used the time for taking a long look around.
I took a long look around. It was pretty dark and the lanterns had been already turned off. The whole motel seemed to be swallowed from darkness. It was a huge place, not very luxury. The ground leveled buildings seemed to yearn for a new, long overdue painting. Stains all over - and I could make that out even in the fade light of the moon.
Sand grated under my feet when I stepped to him. Though it was August and the nights mild, I had goose-pimples on my shoulder. Still I was just wearing that red tank top with the faded letters of my favorite band. I just had the clothes I was wearing, my wallet and a lighter - that wasn't even mine. And Kaoru had thrown my cell phone out the driving car right after we had made it to approach the highway.
I opened the door of the car and carried the plastic bags from the seats. In the same moment Kaoru threw the cigarette down and killed it with his shoe.
"Know what's odd?", he said with his back turned to me, with a voice that made sure that he definitely would tell me what was odd.
"The fact that you are still wearing sunglasses though it's night?" I knew I was too sarcastic again. But he just left too much space for me too attack. I just couldn't resist...
To my surprise he just smiled at me. "No." His finger was randomly pointing around. "Odd is the fact that the one half of the motel is rented, but the one and only car I'm seeing around here is ours."
I stopped. "Actually this isn't our car", I said, dodging his allusion and slammed the door.
"Yea...", was the only reply, that showed up with a smile that got blurred in the shade and covered by his dark hair.
When I noticed that he was about to light up another cigarette and that we would have actually spent all night outside, if I won't drag him with me now, I grabbed his arm firmly.
"Come on", I demanded with a convincing smile and pulled him with me, as he just stubbornly stayed where he was.
"Are you afraid they could think that we're homeless?!" Kaoru laughed and followed me just unwilling. "Then I understand your hurrying ‘cause now we are."
~~~~~
"Chocolate..."
Kaoru made it to stop pasting his look at the TV screen, where just a boring cowboy movie flickered and to have a look after me.
"What's the matter?"
"I'm dying...", I muttered in my pillow.
"Why?" He put the TV control on the small desk next to the bed and turned to me.
I muttered again.
Leaving the couch seat and sitting down on the bed next to me where I had buried my head into the sheets, he had forgotten to pretend his coolness for one moment. His face looked anxious - if that was even possible...
"What's the matter?", he asked again. Slightly he stroke the hair streaks on my face away and behind my ear.
"Chocolate", I repeated. "I want chocolate..."
"But we bought some, haven't we?"
"Yes, we have, but you already ate everything in the car", I grumbled disappointed.
Anyway he grabbed the plastic bags right next to the bed and searched through them and their content. Not much leftover in them, since we had immediately raided them and scatter everything in the room.
"Nothing, you're right."
"I'm gonna die..."
"Sure."
"I really will. I can feel it." My head left the pillows and I sat up.
Kaoru’s hand was caressing my cheek. "No, you won't."
"It is my own fault that my life is so chaotic at the moment..."
"You had a reason for it. Though it was maybe the totally wrong time. He already had been pissed when he had arrived that night. I saw him upset many times before. But I never saw him that enraged." Kaoru stopped. Thought for a moment. "He really loved you. Like no other. For the first time he did and then... You broke his heart." A dry laughing left his mouth.
I didn't understand why he was laughing. Or maybe I did deep inside me. I was quite satisfied with myself. I finally had what I wanted. The thing I had worked two years for. Hurting Die has been a small sacrifice to make. And it had been planned since the day it had began. Never I had thought about the way how to end it when I had reached the final point. I hadn't expected it to come that late. Neither I had expected it to happen that day. I still saw Die’s eyes staring at me, wanting to destroy me with just one look. The whole thing... the whole scene had just went out of control. When I tried to remember now I didn't even knew how the hell I got out of that apartment again. There was a huge hole in my memory. A huge dark, empty space. A huge question mark. God, had it really been just three days ago?
I noticed that Kaoru’s hand had left my cheek. Slowly and exhausted I got off the bed while grabbing for the money.
"What are you up to do?"
I turned around when he asked.
"Go buying some chocolate." I smirked. "I saw they have a vending machine for candy in the office."
Kaoru skeptically watched me when I was putting my shoes back on, but handed me his jacket. He knew exactly that there was no need to argue with me. If I wanted to buy chocolate then I would. By my own. I wouldn’t have accepted any "Let me go for it"'s or "I can do that"'s. There was a simple reason for it. And I had used his help quite a lot the last days. I couldn't bear any other support and even if it was just about buying chocolate. I didn't want him to do more for me than he actually should. I was wondering anyways why he had joined me on my escape. He risked his life for me. I was really wondering why...
"Here." Still he held the jacket in his hand and wanted me to take it. "It's cold outside and it's a few feet more to the office."
I knew it wasn't that cold outside, but I thankfully took his jacket anyway and put it on, before I left room #24 and headed to the office. My steps were resounding from the wooden ground of the roofed path to the office. It was ghostly outside. A few lamps had been turned on when we had moved to our room, they were still burning. Moths and other night-bugs were flying around the milky shine coming through the dirty glasses. Desperately swirling around, hitting the glass.
As I reached my destination and got inside, the doorbell shortly rang. I couldn't make out the owner of the motel and thought that he was maybe taking a nap. Right now I couldn't care less, leading to my longed for vending machine.
I bought three chocolate bars. Yet I was suddenly carving for something sugary. I could take some new energy. And I finally needed to stop thinking and spending my thoughts about the past. Forward was the way to go. But somehow I couldn't bottle up everything like I was used to. I was even angry at myself being so weak and just inwardly denying myself to cry about this. What did I fear? I just had to reach that huge city in the west, which was about two days driving afar from here. Had to give Ishizumi-san what he wanted and what I had worked for in the past two years. Then taking a plane back home. Taking off my wrong identity. Putting on another one. Again. A normal life... I forgot what it was like to have one.
"Are you two going to stay for longer?"
I winced terribly and swirled around.
The old, creepy owner of the motel had appeared behind me, wobbling back to his desk. Seemed to me like he was going to stay up all night - there laid a batch of invoices at his desk and folders everywhere. A lot of administration stuff.
"No", I replied when my heart decided to beat again. "We're leaving tomorrow. Tomorrow as early as possible."
"Ahh... so I have to eat breakfast alone again tomorrow." He sighed and sat down on the old chair.
"I guess so." I smiled lightly just to be nice. "By the way: Do you have a waterboiler by any change?"
He gazed at me for a second, then mumbled, but got up again and wobbled back to the room he had come from. Without even asking me why and for what I'd needed that waterboiler for he got back and handed it to me.
"Just bring it back tomorrow before you leave."
"Thank you very much!" I took all my chocolate stuff, the boiler and moved to the door. "Good night then!"
"Good night, good night...", the old man mumbled.
The door closed behind me ringing and I went back to our room.
~~~~~
"It's getting cold outside, won't you come in?"
I sat on the small veranda outside our apartment which had left and right a wooden fence and also walls. I had pulled my knees close to my body and had kept staring thoughtlessly and tired in the sky. Yes, I was tired, but nonetheless I could find my peace of mind and sleep.
I had boiled some water and had melted the hard chocolate ‘cause there was nothing more healing for me than eating warm, melted chocolate. So I had wandered outside with my bowl, sat down and just stared somewhere in the dark while listening to the rushing water that came from the bathroom where he had took a long shower.
Now I tilted my head and looked at him, met his eyes gazing at me. He leaned casually against the open door.
"You could come over and give me some warmth", I chuckled.
"Haha, what a nice offer... for a joke." He turned around and I saw him heading back indoors.
"That wasn't a joke", I mumbled and shivered.
"I know..."
Slowly I turned to him, sitting up from my chair. I grabbed his arm and held him back. "And why are you leaving anyway?"
He stopped.
For a moment I was just looking at his back. I saw a few water drops dripping from his hair. Saw them running down his shoulders. Saw them disappearing and getting soaked of his black t-shirt. In one hand he held a towel. Still it wasn't that cool outside that he would catch a cold right away.
I stood right behind him. Carefully I slung my hands around his waist and leaned my head against his shoulders. Very gradually he finally turned around and looked at me as I had loosed my hug. There was no hesitation of mine. I grabbed his arm again, pressed my lips against his mouth. No reaction. My right hand headed to his wet hair, to his neck. First softly then more rough, I continued kissing him sweetly. No move. Longing, pleading, I begged him for entrance into his mouth. Nothing. Simply nothing. Resigned, my hand left his hair. Disappointed, I let go of his arm again.
There it was again... that cold stare. Not even directed at me. Looked right through me.
"Get inside."
I bit my lip. "Is that everything you have to say?!"
Half on his way back, Kaoru stopped. "Yes."
So I followed him back inside, closed the door behind me, leaned against it and watched him taking another beer with him, drying his hair with the towel while he sat down on the edge of the bed and continued staring at the TV screen.
First I closed my eyes, breathed in deeply, then sighed. I opened my eyes again, grabbed my shoe off my foot and threw it through the whole room. It bashed its deliberate destination: Kaoru’s stubborn, Japanese head.
"Arhgh!" The beer can thud down to the floor. Kaoru made a theatrically noise, growled and accidentally tuned off the TV with the remote control. "What the hell are you doing?!"
But his words were cut off immediately. He was pulled down onto the bed. His mouth was suddenly covered again. Covered up with my own. I stopped trying to be convincing. Demanding I pushed him into the sheets, held his wrists left and right to his head tightly in my hands, sat onto his lap and looked down on him. I had been sure not to see confusion in his eyes and I had been right. There was only that wild, untamed stare piercing me. I bowed down to him and smirked, laying my lips lightly on his. Not stopping the contact of our eyes, I could feel his small, ever pouting lips curling into a very dirty smile.
"Ahh, so you're not completely frozen..."
"Not yet..." Kaoru grinned into the kiss and moved his hips under my weight.
Promising I began to kiss his neck while my hands wandered from his wrists down to his chest. I nipped at the skin softly and ran my tongue over his Adams apple. "Not yet... aha..."
I slid my tongue into his warm mouth, still pressing him down on the bed with my lower body. Leisurely Kaoru replied the kiss, replied exploring. Finally he melted and sneaked his hands to my waist.
I pushed him back down.
Yet I firmly stayed in my position and grabbed the bowl with my chocolate I had put down on the floor, before I threw myself onto him on the bed. My fingers dipped into the bowl and out again with chocolate on my fingertips. Grinning I lead them to my mouth and watched him gazing at me with an either envious or disappointed look - I couldn't say exactly. But it amused me a bit. I licked the sweetness from my fingertips, was just eating with relish and didn't cut that bond of our looks. Didn't stop looking at him. In my mind I wasn't licking chocolate, sucking it off my fingers anymore... From the way he fixed me I knew that he knew what I was really doing in my mind and a low moan left his mouth as I rubbed my crotch against his with the rhythm I shoved my fingers in and out of my mouth.
When I dug them into the brown substance for the third time, caressed my own fingers once again... then bowed down to him for letting him taste the sugar from my lips. Just for the blink of an eye. Just breathing, just touching his tongue on the surface, but he smiled like a child who got some candy. Welcoming the sudden sweetness flowing into his mouth he pulled me into him, deepened our kiss, him slightly sucking on the tip of my tongue pleasing me.
My hands traveled down his chest and played around with the cotton fabric I found there, before I sneaked my fingers tapping inside that shirt, touching his bare and pleasantly warm body. Lightly I brushed my fingertips across his skin and then over his nipples.
Kaoru breathed faster.
With a bent back I bowed down to him once again. Nibbling playfully, I laid my lips on his neck. With my hot breath on his skin and my teasing lips I bit his skin gently and followed the pounding pulse, licking him like I licked my fingers a few moments back. Tasted his salty skin, tasted a bit of him. I wanted to get him laid. I would eat him, would swallow all of him... like I did with my chocolate. More and more restless rushing of blood in my groin made me dizzy. I wanted him so badly inside of me. I wanted him so badly moving inside of me, thrusting into me. But it was too early. No, not yet... But by now, down there where I sat onto him... I noticed something awaking. Something pressing against my pants. I couldn't help but smile again, leaving little kisses and marks on his collarbones.
I tugged off his shirt and tossed it to the floor, told myself to go slower, to keep the control.
Chocolate... out of the bowl... softly smeared on his upper chest. I was telling it to myself like a receipt to divert me ‘cause I had caught the wild look of his eyes. ‘Cause Kaoru’s lustful gaze made me all tingly. His expectant stare aroused me.
He opened his mouth but I didn't want him to speak now. I knew it would make me only more dizzy.
"What are you doing...?" Kaoru’s voice was hoarse.
"Shhh...", I said, laid my finger on his lips. "Let me show you…”
As I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, I felt him being surprised at first, but then he leaned back, quietly saying "Okay...", giving in just by the way he kissed me. I spread his lips open, tasted the inside of his moist mouth. Kaoru moaned deeply as he felt my strong tongue overpower his, but I had to end the kiss for a gasp.
I moved back to where I had stopped. Again I smeared some chocolate on him while his eyes followed every move I made, watching in pleasure. Intensively I ran my tongue over his chest. My hand stroked his sides. Another deep moan left his mouth as I licked off the chocolate all over his nipples. Sucking and taking my time. Discovering his body. Over and over my tongue caressed his more and more heating up skin. Yes, I played with him. I enjoyed rubbing myself crotch against his in a painfully slow pace. Enjoyed to make him even more aroused. Enjoyed feeling his member growing inside these pants that touched mine roughly every now and then. The briefness was what made him want more. Now I could feel it more clearly. The bulge, his erection was unignoreably pressing against me and my thighs. A short, but heavy bolt flashed through my whole body. And for a second I was gasping, laying my head on his chest, for a while just enjoying the pounding desire his hardness caused me. But all along I didn't stop moving on him. As if our clothes had already left.
I looked up to him.
Kaoru’s eyes were asking me, if that was everything.
And I replied with unbuckling his belt, pulling down his jeans and sneaking my right hand in his boxers.
No.
I tilted his head, brushed my fingers over his neck, through his dark-brown hair and the dark hair down there. Kaoru stretched his neck to give better access for nibbling and biting him carefully, kissing and licking, sucking, leading my mouth to where I wanted, while my left hand followed the lines of his strained sinews, painted invisible curves on it. With my right hand I took his member. I ran my fingers over the rigid length, stimulated him.
Our lips met again shortly before the change. Slowly, without my notice, he took over. First his kiss was slow, more exploratory, and very deliberate. Then he began sucking at my tongue and actually for the first time he really replied to my kiss, seemed to be pulled by his feelings. I had pushed him further, but now he was the one pushing me...
"Kaoru...", I drawled his name when he paused for a while to look at me. Both hands were holding my face, touching my cheeks, close enough to him to feel his irregular breath hitting mine - because I still moved my hand up and down his member, had just fastend and tightened my grip.
Kaoru fondled my neck, stroked my hair back and crawled his hands over my bended back, just when he straightened up and traced my lips with his tongue. Just a short second I wasn't paying my full attention anymore. Just a second I had given myself to him completely. Just a second and then the world suddenly smeared before my eyes and the colors mixed into one. Before my head landed in the pillows and my body fell onto the bed with an audible groan of the springs underneath me. Now I was the one being pressed down on the bed. He had simply turned me around.
I stared at him. He didn't even need to say a word, I could read his teasing words right off his eyes. Anyway... I didn't feel uncomfortable in this position at all. It only made me more pleased that he had finally decided to play with me and not just be played.
He bent down to me for a rough kiss, pouting his lips at first, now being the one begging for entrance.
His hands dragged me out of my shirt. He was impatient. Where had his well-known control gone? The one that had always gave me the cold shoulder...
With many small kisses he caressed my neck and undid my bra quickly. The touch of his warm skin on mine caused me a wonderful, intensive shiver. His mouth went lower, searched me with his tongue.
The tips of Kaoru’s fingers found their way into my pants. My uncontrollable wriggling made it difficult for him to let them go where he wanted them to be. As much as I still enjoyed teasing him, I gave in and let him have his way, ‘cause I couldn't hold myself back anymore. How he massaged my breasts, brushing his thumbs over the sensitive buds, giving them more attention than I had given to his. Feeling the full bliss of his caresses, I gave in completely and opened my legs to send out an offer without obligation.
Our looks met. For a short while he paused, left my breasts, placing a short kiss on my collarbone, neck and cheek, then wandering his fingers down between my thighs.
Affectioning, Kaoru licked his lips and pulled down my panties, watching me lying there underneath him now... all naked, winding, waiting for him to take me. I was longing for it. My eyes were half closed as a low moan more like a small sigh left my mouth and I looked at him pleading not to keep me waiting for him to move on now that we had crossed the line. Complying, without any hesitation he went on going down, leaving breathed kisses on my stomach and kissing along the creamy thighs presented in front of him: He kissed my ankle lightly, then moved back up.
It's was like I had a whole blackout for the split of a second. A short, but heavy shudder winced through my body. I pressed my head back into the pillows, my hips in the air against his lips laying down gently between my thighs. Opening my legs even more, I finally closed my eyes, drifting away, just enjoying, praying for him to just don't stop. Softly running his tongue over the most sensitive spot, caressing it with the tip, he held my thighs. Skillfully, cautiously, he began sucking my center softly. He brought his full tongue down to me to give me sweet pleasure. I was melting, yet wet from arousal his mouth was giving me. My fingers were buried deeply in his hair, held it tightly, closer to me. Oh, please. Closer. Kaoru swirled his tongue around, sucking more heavily and demanding as he noticed my growing desire. He licked me and suddenly I felt so weak in my knees like never before.
He had pulled me close so to the edge, but then stopped - cruel as he was - shortly before I reached my peak and collapsed under him.
I gasped.
"I know you want it... so why keeping you waiting any longer...?" Less than two seconds later Kaoru got rid of his boxers.
With irregular breath I reached my hands out for him to drag him down on me. Just briefly I touched his erection, hungrily wrapped my legs around his waist. "I want it..." My mouth was so dry, my throat so huskily. "I want..."
"Yes..." That glittering in his eyes, the way he looked at me... really looked at me, not through me anymore, the way he breathed his words, the way his hands roamed up my hips, the way he was just fixing my eyes with his own, was torturing me.
I couldn't take that anymore. I didn't finish my sentence.
He did know what I wanted anyway...
I moaned in relief when he was sliding into me. Seeking his neck, I buried my nails in his skin and pulled him nearer. The first possessive thrust into me and I just begged for more. He covered my mouth with swallowing kisses. Slowly at first he pushed himself deeper into me. Pulling out and in changing continuously. He spread my legs open, digging and demandingly continued to take me. The way I wanted him to. Low and lustful I heard him groan. He was exploring my mouth. I stroke my hands up and down his spine, feeling every inch of him, asking with my tongue for more lovable kisses. I wanted to discover him. I had waited so long for this. Had consumed myself for him since the very first day, since we had met each other. Never I had been allowed to be with him, hadn't been allowed to do all these things with him. In mind he had fucked me over and over. But in real life he had always just fucked my mind.
I opened my eyes for a small gaze, just to be sure I wasn't dreaming. No, this feeling, this pounding, this craving was just too hard, too heavy, too intensive, to be unreal. My heart skipped and was almost bursting through my chest now, when our eyes met again. And I wanted to be filled up with him... till I was overflowing.
Kaoru panted my name lightly. The word leaving his rosy lips as sweetly as no one else had ever said my name. The word leaving his mouth with his mellow voice huskied from arousal. Then he picked up the pace, went faster, higher, like the rhythm of a song. I followed, losing myself within that rhythm.
I welcomed every thrust and every touch from his fingertips tickling over my creamy nipples, missed it every time we had to separate our lips for taking breaths before melting into one again. We were one.
It seemed that my tightness was almost enough to send him flying into an orgasm, but he held it back, obviously wanting to give me the entire way he had to give me.
He caressed my nipples with his ardent tongue, gently brushed his hands all over my body.
And although he wanted to give me so much more, I couldn't take it anymore. Again I saw just billions of sparkling stars in front of my eyes as Kaoru hit the spot deep inside me, causing fireworks to explode. His mouth was wandering to mine again, seeking mine. I was moaning into his open mouth, slung my arms around his neck and pressed my burning groins against his constantly shifting hips as I came hard. I fell into the endless clutches of orgasm, dug my head deeper in the pillows, my fingernails so much deeper into his skin. No longer stifling my groans, but letting them out.
I pulled him down quickly after myself. Kaoru was panting in my ear loudly, moaning, coming undone and leaving a hot trace inside of me. While I was still feling the aftermath of pleasure rushing through my whole body, he kissed me tenderly, then pulled out. Gasping he fell next to me onto the small bed.
I looked at him, touched his chest with my fingers and gently stroke them over the lines and squiggles of his tattoos covering his arm and his left collarbone. His hand got over mine and carefully he pulled me closer to him into his arms.
For a while he was just holding me. I searched for protection and for something like warmth in his hug. His kisses were just too sweet to be meant honest. What we did just felt like a dream. His lips just tasted too good to last on mine forever.
So the moments passed. Unnoticed and slowly sneaking away.
Somehow I was a little disappointed when he suddenly started speaking though. I just wanted to close my eyes now and fall asleep as it was already late.
"I think I'm sure now that he'll gonna find us."
Resting my head against his chest and continuing to paint invisible lines on his skin, I looked up to him. "You are?"
Kaoru just nodded, scratched his head and wrapped his arm around me. "You should have thought about this before you said all those things to him. Before you almost told him the truth... He is enraged now. And he will try everything to find you. To find me. To find us. ‘Cause now we're both too deep into this."
"You think he'll kill me...?"
"He has all reasons to kill us both..."
"But you are his brother! I'm sure he won't-"
His fingertips reached out for his cigarettes. "I'm his stepbrother." I heard the noise of the lighter and him inhaling the smoke, before blowing it out again. "But I know him. And I know that he is in the position to do it. That includes being without any feelings. Being coldblooded. Being able to kill someone. That's what we learned over all those years. And even if it seemed to you like we would get along pretty well... We don't. Faked sympathy. Just a relationship on purpose. I'm older... I'm not the real son of our father, but anyways, he made me the legal heir, not Die. I've always been treated like the only offspring. Like the only one to take over the whole business, if our father would be gone one day. Die has always been in my shadow. He just couldn't escape of being always compared to me, of failing and always being forgotten, making the filthy work, while father involved me into all his plans and let me take part at all his important meetings. Nonetheless Die trusted me, ‘cause he always had to. I never had something personal against him, but he had never been the rational person I was. Die knew he could count on me, that I'd protect him and that he would always have my back in a fight. Same time I knew that he wouldn't even hesitate to pull the trigger, if he'd ever had the chance to... and let it look like an accident... He never had that chance. But now he even has a way to do it without being in the need to justify himself. Father gave me up. And if Die is gonna get us... I'm sure he'll kill us both."
I closed my burning eyes and moved nearer to him sighing. "What a nice thing to look forward to."
"Surely."
As beautiful as his caring was, the more reassuring the touch of his skin was on mine... I knew it really wouldn't last that long. We are an exception of a rule, I thought and wished that the sun just wouldn't raise up next morning. I just wanted to stop. Maybe even stopped breathing in his arms now.
"Can I ask you something?" Kaoru’s mellow voice brought me back to reality.
"Of course..."
"If you knew all along that I was the sole heir of the whole company... why have you slept with Die... instead with me?"
I just couldn't help but grin. "Because Die is stupid enough to blab out the information I needed. Especially when he's drunk."
"Die isn't the smartest." Why did his voice sound more worried than amused? "He gets deceived way too easy and gives people too much point of attack. He's just like a high-spirited boxer who leaves his guard down from arrogance. You wanted to eat him up from the inside just like a maggot, didn't you?"
"You know me... And I knew from the first second that you saw right through me." Until now I hadn't opened my eyes again. "I just don't get one thing... You're the only heir... so the legitimate and sole heir of everything... Why didn't you betray me? Why didn't you expose me? Why did you throw all of this away? Just to help me...? Why?"
"’Cause this isn't the life I wanna continue to live..."
"And... in what world do you want to continue living...?" I opened my eyes, but he didn't look at me.
No answer. Just smoking his cigarette, Kaoru didn't say any more word to that. He simply left me with that sentence. But still he held me close to him in his embrace, played with my hair and just warmed my quickly cooling off body underneath the blankets.
Kaoru took a look at his watch.
"God, it's already 3AM... actually we should sleep now. We won't have any power to stand up at 5:30AM, if we don't..."
"I can't sleep now", I said and buried my face back into the sheets. He had made me unable to sleep a wink this night. "My head if full of everything, but I can't even think about sleeping now. I'm so restless..."
A deep sigh came from Kaoru when he turned around to me. "Don't worry about tomorrow. It will be alright. Everything will be alright. All things will turn out good in the end. There's simply no need for you to be afraid. It will be alright. I promise."
Gently he grabbed my hand. I looked up to him and watched his dark eyes. His fingers touched my chin. Softly he kissed me like confirming that promise.
And somehow I believed him...
To the world... we won't exist anymore... from this moment on.
To the world we had died...
We had simply died.
~~~~~ ♥ ~~~~~
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