[GAME] Celebrity Dungeon Master
It's a very simple game, really. Post replies to this message in the style of someone famous (actor, writer, musician, whatever) running Monte Cook's adventure "The Orc and the Pie" (http://www.montecook.com/arch_lineos11.html). You may have your celebrity running the adventure under any RPG system, and can make the Orc something genre-specific.
To sweeten the deal, I will award a prize to the best entry!
To get the ball rolling:
Quentin Tarantino / D&D 3e
Quentin "OK, dig this, man. You motherfuckers are in a five-foot-wide corridor beneath the Fane of the Unholy."
Player 1 "The WHAT of the Unholy?"
Quentin "Fane."
Player 1 "What's a Fane?"
Quentin "You know what a temple is, right?"
Player 1 "Yeah. It's a big church."
Quentin "Exactly. A fane is the same thing."
Player 2 "Then why not just call it a church?"
Quentin "In America, where WE are, WE call it a church. In the Middle East, they call it a Mosque. THIS is Greyhawk, so it's a Fane."
Player 3 "Do you know what they call a Fane in France?"
Players have a good laugh. DM is not so pleased.
Quentin "Alright, so you're walking down this corridor, and it's a wide shot and, oh, I don't know - I've already used 'Miserlou', so how about 'Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress' or something. And then the scene cuts to a low angle looking up at each Player-Character and there's this font that's like all Elf-like, but still 70's retro, right?"
"And the camera pauses and it's *BAM* Bruce Campbell as Regdar the Fighter then it cuts to another freeze-frame of Mialee and *BAM* Liv Tyler splashes across under the Wizard's name. Then we see Grace Jones and just as we're thinking 'Oh, shit, where has SHE been?' it's *BAM* Grace Motherfucking Jones as Mister Ember. Well, you get how it goes, right?"
"At the end of the hall is a door, and you carefully open it and step inside. The camera pans around, like that shot they did in 'Yojimbo', and then we get to the action."
"You are in the doorway of a ten-foot by ten-foot stone chamber. It's like a scene out of 'Don't Look In The Basement' except instead of crazy inmates, you see the biggest and baddest Orc you've ever laid eyes on. This is the King Kong of Orcs, the Alpha Male, the Top Dog. Not one of those pansy-assed John Wick Orcs, this guy is the REAL DEAL. He's holding a wicked-looking axe in one hand, and in the other, he's got a pie."
Player 1 "A pie?"
Quentin "Pie, motherfucker. Do you speak it?"
Player 2 "Ooooo-kay... WHAT kind of pie is it?"
Quentin "Funny thing about pies, now that you ask. This pie just so happens to be cherry. Not that shit you get in the can, I'm talkin' about fresh picked from the tree and baked up like Grandma used to do it. Real, honest-to-god American Cherry Pie. Like in that Warrant Video. Remember that song, came out in like the late 80's?"
Player 3 "I charge and attack the Orc."
Player 1 "I'm going to cast Magic Missile."
Quentin "Excuse me, but I believe I have a metaphor to relate before we roll initiative. I don't think I need to tell you what the 'Cherry Pie' in the song stood for. Bobbie Brown and the guys in the video made that pretty clear. It's all about pussy. But not just any pussy. Sweet, virgin pussy. It's every young man's dream, and because of THAT, it represents the American Dream. To be the first one to climb that mountain, to cross that river, to defeat the dragon - metaphorically speaking. And these guys in the video are all singing about it - that she's their cherry pie and shit. But she just keeps dancing around in front of them, flirting with them and teasing them, swinging her hips and giving them the 'If you want this, you'll have to come and get it' looks. And what happens then?"
Player 2 "We roll initiative?"
Quentin "NO! She drops the pie, and it falls to the floor and is ruined. It's no longer cherry pie, it's a mess that nobody wants to clean up. And THAT is the truth of the American Dream. That small-town girl with the Warrant posters on her bedroom wall who went to see them in Biloxi, the one who they picked out of the crowd and had security take backstage for the 'after party in the tour bus' - that sweet virgin girl who's suddenly confronted with HER dream of having Jani Lane make her a woman - THAT is what I'm talking about. She saved the money she got from mowing lawns to buy her ticket, and a concert T-Shirt, and that brand-new denim jacket with the leather fringes on the sleeves JUST FOR THIS SHOW. She drove 100 miles to see Warrant and now she's waiting BACKSTAGE for them."
"THAT is what the cherry pie represents! She's the cherry pie - pure and virginal, and everybody wants a piece. But to her, the BAND is the pie - it's the object of her desire - her dream. And when the two - Warrant and this young lady about to blossom into womanhood - come together, I don't need to tell you what happens. Physics tells us what happens, man - you can't have two Cherry Pies occupying the same physical OR metaphorical space, so you get what?"
Blank stares.
"A disaster. A train wreck. This girl has sex with Jani Lane, thinking it's going to be the best thing in her young life. She realizes what a mistake she's making halfway through, and when it's all over, she's getting kicked off the bus, and they're throwing her shoes and her jacket onto the pavement after her. Because the American Dream is just that - a dream. You can see it, but you can't taste it, and when you try to grab it, it leaves a mess on the floor."
"And THAT, as they says, is THAT. Roll initiative."
Player 3 "Hey, Quentin, it's kinda late. We've gotta go. Sorry..."
Quentin "Oh, no problem man. Don't apologize. Let's see - your characters started this campaign at third level, right? So how about next week we run a session that sort of 'goes forward in time' to show what they're like at, say EIGHTH level, then we'll come back to the Orc and the Pie?"
Player 2 "You know, I have a copy of Feng Shuei at home that I'll bring next week. I think it's a lot more your speed than D&D..."
To sweeten the deal, I will award a prize to the best entry!
To get the ball rolling:
Quentin Tarantino / D&D 3e
Quentin "OK, dig this, man. You motherfuckers are in a five-foot-wide corridor beneath the Fane of the Unholy."
Player 1 "The WHAT of the Unholy?"
Quentin "Fane."
Player 1 "What's a Fane?"
Quentin "You know what a temple is, right?"
Player 1 "Yeah. It's a big church."
Quentin "Exactly. A fane is the same thing."
Player 2 "Then why not just call it a church?"
Quentin "In America, where WE are, WE call it a church. In the Middle East, they call it a Mosque. THIS is Greyhawk, so it's a Fane."
Player 3 "Do you know what they call a Fane in France?"
Players have a good laugh. DM is not so pleased.
Quentin "Alright, so you're walking down this corridor, and it's a wide shot and, oh, I don't know - I've already used 'Miserlou', so how about 'Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress' or something. And then the scene cuts to a low angle looking up at each Player-Character and there's this font that's like all Elf-like, but still 70's retro, right?"
"And the camera pauses and it's *BAM* Bruce Campbell as Regdar the Fighter then it cuts to another freeze-frame of Mialee and *BAM* Liv Tyler splashes across under the Wizard's name. Then we see Grace Jones and just as we're thinking 'Oh, shit, where has SHE been?' it's *BAM* Grace Motherfucking Jones as Mister Ember. Well, you get how it goes, right?"
"At the end of the hall is a door, and you carefully open it and step inside. The camera pans around, like that shot they did in 'Yojimbo', and then we get to the action."
"You are in the doorway of a ten-foot by ten-foot stone chamber. It's like a scene out of 'Don't Look In The Basement' except instead of crazy inmates, you see the biggest and baddest Orc you've ever laid eyes on. This is the King Kong of Orcs, the Alpha Male, the Top Dog. Not one of those pansy-assed John Wick Orcs, this guy is the REAL DEAL. He's holding a wicked-looking axe in one hand, and in the other, he's got a pie."
Player 1 "A pie?"
Quentin "Pie, motherfucker. Do you speak it?"
Player 2 "Ooooo-kay... WHAT kind of pie is it?"
Quentin "Funny thing about pies, now that you ask. This pie just so happens to be cherry. Not that shit you get in the can, I'm talkin' about fresh picked from the tree and baked up like Grandma used to do it. Real, honest-to-god American Cherry Pie. Like in that Warrant Video. Remember that song, came out in like the late 80's?"
Player 3 "I charge and attack the Orc."
Player 1 "I'm going to cast Magic Missile."
Quentin "Excuse me, but I believe I have a metaphor to relate before we roll initiative. I don't think I need to tell you what the 'Cherry Pie' in the song stood for. Bobbie Brown and the guys in the video made that pretty clear. It's all about pussy. But not just any pussy. Sweet, virgin pussy. It's every young man's dream, and because of THAT, it represents the American Dream. To be the first one to climb that mountain, to cross that river, to defeat the dragon - metaphorically speaking. And these guys in the video are all singing about it - that she's their cherry pie and shit. But she just keeps dancing around in front of them, flirting with them and teasing them, swinging her hips and giving them the 'If you want this, you'll have to come and get it' looks. And what happens then?"
Player 2 "We roll initiative?"
Quentin "NO! She drops the pie, and it falls to the floor and is ruined. It's no longer cherry pie, it's a mess that nobody wants to clean up. And THAT is the truth of the American Dream. That small-town girl with the Warrant posters on her bedroom wall who went to see them in Biloxi, the one who they picked out of the crowd and had security take backstage for the 'after party in the tour bus' - that sweet virgin girl who's suddenly confronted with HER dream of having Jani Lane make her a woman - THAT is what I'm talking about. She saved the money she got from mowing lawns to buy her ticket, and a concert T-Shirt, and that brand-new denim jacket with the leather fringes on the sleeves JUST FOR THIS SHOW. She drove 100 miles to see Warrant and now she's waiting BACKSTAGE for them."
"THAT is what the cherry pie represents! She's the cherry pie - pure and virginal, and everybody wants a piece. But to her, the BAND is the pie - it's the object of her desire - her dream. And when the two - Warrant and this young lady about to blossom into womanhood - come together, I don't need to tell you what happens. Physics tells us what happens, man - you can't have two Cherry Pies occupying the same physical OR metaphorical space, so you get what?"
Blank stares.
"A disaster. A train wreck. This girl has sex with Jani Lane, thinking it's going to be the best thing in her young life. She realizes what a mistake she's making halfway through, and when it's all over, she's getting kicked off the bus, and they're throwing her shoes and her jacket onto the pavement after her. Because the American Dream is just that - a dream. You can see it, but you can't taste it, and when you try to grab it, it leaves a mess on the floor."
"And THAT, as they says, is THAT. Roll initiative."
Player 3 "Hey, Quentin, it's kinda late. We've gotta go. Sorry..."
Quentin "Oh, no problem man. Don't apologize. Let's see - your characters started this campaign at third level, right? So how about next week we run a session that sort of 'goes forward in time' to show what they're like at, say EIGHTH level, then we'll come back to the Orc and the Pie?"
Player 2 "You know, I have a copy of Feng Shuei at home that I'll bring next week. I think it's a lot more your speed than D&D..."